looking back
pairing: everyone/reader. eren/reader
warnings: MANGA SPOILERS. MAJOR MAJOR MANGA SPOILERS. CHAPTER 139 , DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE MANGA/ DONT WANT SPOILERS. Death mention, Sadness- VERY SAD. Alcohol consumption, Nightmares, brief description but not really. Season three spoilers.
A/N: yeah, i totally didn’t cry while writing this 😫 sunny told me it would be sad ofc- but did i listen? no 🥰
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the trip was long. the journey itself to get there was exhausting, the emotional side of it was taking a toll on you. you didn’t know if you would even want to come in the first place, but then again, it was what everyone had wanted. they wanted to see him. well...at least, in a sense...in the only way they could.
the trek to the hill was silent, as if there were a tension hanging above everyone’s heads. the thoughts of everyone- everything you all had lost in the past years. it had been three long years since you had been on your home land. three years since you had talked to him. three years since he had died.
staring at the state of the stone slab at the foot of the tree was a feat that brought the memories back to the forefront of your mind as if they were lightening. all of those moments spent in the rain, heat, cold, all of it. even the ones you distinctively remember where you didn’t know if you both would make it back then- if you’d see him again.
it was an unbreakable silence- nobody wanted to bring anything up first. not even as you all gathered around and sat in front of his grave, gazing down at the words engraved in the stone slab.
it seemed like a long time since you had gotten there that someone had finally broke the silence, “jean...why does your hair look like that?” armin managed to murmur out after breaking his gaze from the stone.
it was all the group needed to loosen up, many of them letting out chuckles and soon enough you were smiling along with them.
“yeah....eren would have made fun of you for it for sure,” you piped up, finally reaching over to open the wine you had brought. jean made a face in response and snatched the bottle from your hands, causing you to huff in annoyance.
“oh yeah- sure- bag on the guy who tried to look his damn nicest. whatever- that bastard can eat his words if he even tried to comment on my hair,” jean ranted as he uncorked the wine, soon slamming the bottle onto the ground after taking a drink from it straight.
“you horse- use the cups we brought,” annie cut in suddenly, thrusting one forwards with an annoyed glare. jean merely rolled his eyes and took the cup from her, pouring a hefty amount into his cup almost instantly. “yeah yeah- shut it,” he grunted out.
everyone took turns pouring the wine into their cups, taking sips. soon enough the silence turned into a bustling conversation, joking around light heartedly; they were light conversations.
“you know- remember when eren’s odm gear totally went awal and caused him to slam his head into the ground?” reiner cut into the conversation, finally bringing up the man who’s grave the group had come to visit. instead of pausing in a depressive silence like before, everyone let laughs tumble out of their mouths, your own expression lighting up into a bright smile.
“yeah! i remember mikasa and armin had to patch him up so many times!” you cried out through your laughter, bringing your cup up to your lips. you caught the eye of the female from across the circle, her soft smile only making your own grow.
it was like a fever-dream. the nights you would spend with him, the days spent alongside him fighting, talking, joking...it almost felt like he was still there with everyone, getting overly embarrassed by their taunts and laughter- he would definitely become red in the face and shout out insults or threats to them all. either that, or he’d try to embarrass you all as well. you could picture him sitting next to armin, joining in on the drunk banter and festivities. you could picture him here, with everyone. with you.
“you know…you’ll get wrinkles at a young age if you keep scowling…”
the boy stared up at you from where you were on his hip bones, having just pinned him down. light sparring- well, at least that’s what it was supposed to be. until your sparring partner got frustrated.
you didn’t know him- vaguely remembered his name, and vaguely of who he surrounded himself with. but besides that, all you really knew of him was his drive to kill titans.
“shut up! you’re so annoying!”
he sprung up suddenly and his head smashed into your own, causing you to reel back with a heavy screech, quick to shove your hand into his face to move him back.
“you crazy ass suicidal bastard!” was your response, and soon the two of you were rolling around in a feat of what seemed to be a power struggle wrestling match. it continued on until you two were pulled away soon after.
but even as the group went on about their memories with him, he wasn’t. all you could do was remember the times he was there with everyone, smiling alongside them. you joined in to distract yourself from thinking too much about it.
“or the time he tried to compete with sasha in a shooting range and lost,”
“let’s not forget the time he talked about captain levi’s height and captain levi was standing behind him!”
“or when annie flipped him”
“didn’t he flip you because of that, jean?”
“n-no! shut up! we’re not talking about me!”
“you know- i remember him being so worried about your mom- he thought she was being treated so badly!”
“...eren always did regret never telling his mom he loved her....” mikasa suddenly cut in to the conversation.
the group went on reminiscing for a long while, laughter being shared between everyone. your stomach almost hurt from thinking back to the many times eren had embarrassed himself. of course, there were light hearted memories, the funny ones seemed to outshine them in the conversation just in the slightest. though, even with the happiness seeming to run through you all, it wasn’t long before the group had become silent once more, staring longingly down at their cups or to the side.
it was another night of no sleep for you, it seemed. it was annoying- how many times you woke up in a cold sweat due to nightmares that just wouldn’t go away. it was different tonight though. for some reason…you just felt so…powerless. and claustrophobic.
it wasn’t much of a waiting game for you like this, listening to the noises in the tents to the others moving around in their makeshift beds. eventually you had to get up- clear your head. you couldn’t take it anymore. it was like a suffocating whirlwind of thoughts, you hadn’t realized you had been dozing out throughout getting your shoes on. before you knew it, there were leaves crunching underneath your feet from along the path.
the forest was so eerie at night, the sun shining down on everything and the path seemed to dark in some paths. even so, you just wanted some time away from the stuffiness. even if it would end up with you lost- though you doubted that would happen.
it seemed to be a long ten minutes before you decided you’d finally sit near the trunk of one of the trees. you brought your knees up under your chin, soon averting your eyes towards the sky. it was calm, for once.
that is, until you heard the same crunching to your right.
you sat up quickly, your pointed gaze hurriedly looking over, suddenly guarded, “hello? who’s there?!” you called out.
the crunching stopped, and soon your eyes adjusted to the brief light. of course you’d recognize those eyes anywhere. the passion in them was recognizable anywhere.
“…fancy seeing you out here…” your voice was soft, yet it didn’t fail to have that sarcastic tone that was so easy to use with him. eren merely scoffed.
“yeah, yeah. i heard you leave so i came lookin’ for you. i didn’t want you getting lost,” he huffed out, soon moving to take a seat next to you.
“aww, was brave wittle jaeger worried about me?~” you teased.
he was glad for the pale moonlight being the only source of light on you both, for it was easy for you to miss the way his face lit up into a light red. the annoyed grunt that left him left you both in a silence, and soon you were moving your gaze back up towards the sky. it was nice. you always felt most comfortable alongside him.
“…did you have a nightmare?” his voice cut out suddenly, almost enough to make you jump. however, the soft tamber of it relaxed you, and soon you were turning your gaze back; only to be surprised when your eyes met his immediately. he had already been staring at you- yet you couldn’t guess for how long.
“it’s so weird how you can guess things about me in a second with just one look. are you telepathic or something?”
“don’t avoid the question, (y/n).”
a hefty sigh left you, and soon you were turning away from him. you were afraid to see his expression-but you knew he wouldn’t leave it without getting an answer.
“…i just- yeah. i guess you could say that. i just- it’s just…do you think we’ll be alright after this? how much it will…how hard it’ll be to retake shinganshina? it must be so hard on you and mikasa and armin- i can’t even begin to fathom the pain…i wanna help in some way- b-but i just feel..powerless? like…reiner and bertholdt’s - hell, even annie- all three of them betraying us…i don’t know…affected all of us…and yet you’re still so…strong” you huffed, picking at the grass near your feet as you avoided his gaze. you missed the way his gaze softened- one of the many things you were oblivious to.
“honestly,” he started with a grunt, bringing his hand up to your own and tugging it over to his lap. it almost made you fall to the side. “i think you might be overreacting,” he bluntly put out.
it had you blushing feverishly, and you were quick to stare up at him with surprise- but he cut you off before you could curse at him- “you just…worrying about me…reminds me that i’m not alone…which is enough…” he sighed.
your expression faltered, and you let out a helpless grunt before looking down once more. you didn’t say anything afterwards, and neither did he.
connie was the one to break the silence this time.
“i miss him,” he said, voice suddenly shaky as his eyes glossed over, his gaze moving up to meet that of the groups, yours included.
you hadn’t even realized tears of your own had swelled over your lash line and fell over on the apples of your cheeks. not until your eyes moved down to his grave, eren jaeger.
“he was...so bright and hopeful. i remember when- when he would go on rants in the mess hall about killing all of the titans...” you almost stuttered over yourself.
“I’ll kill them all, every last one of them!”
“yeah...he sounded so stupid,” jean chuckled, shaking his head and smiling against his wine cup.
“he would announce it to everyone...at the stupidest of times...not to mention his stupidly annoying undying passion,” connie huffed and downed the rest of his wine, trying to hide the tears that had filled his eyes.
“i wonder...what he would say about us crying over him if he saw us,” reiner sighed.
“he’d probably make fun of jean for crying, and connie for starting it,” you chimed in shakily.
“hey! you’re not too far off!”
everyone was crying, yet at the same time...you all were smiling.
“hey…when this is all over…do you think…we can live happily…together?” he asked one night.
your head moved up almost immediately, staring up at him from across the table, and soon your head was tilting to the side, “are we not happy right now?”
he almost looked conflicted for a moment- but soon enough that dull look was replaced after a small sigh, and soon he smiled at you. “you’re right. i’m completely unhappy with you,” he teased.
and when you turned your back to take the dishes away- his expression faded, dreading of what was to come. and how you would come to hate him.
once they had all gotten it out, armin stood suddenly, holding his cup over eren’s grave and beckoning everyone to follow. they poured their wine over the grave. it bled into the ground and soon disappeared, leaving a wet patch in the soil.
“we miss you...you suicidal maniac...”
