silly little diary.

you. you are not the whole kingdom, but you are the magic that makes it bloom. i love you.

then i thought to myself.. what if in that fall i can sense the breeze caressing my skin, see the sun shining through leaves—blissfully blinding me with its light, tickling my senses, overwhelmed my little heart, making it scream delightfully to the world—letting those billions of people know that, “i’m in love with you! i’m so grateful for your existence! i want you to know that i am in love!”

the clouds drift slowly, painting stories in the sky, the trees whisper your essence as the wind passes by. every stray cat feels like your presence, soft and fleeting, and even the taste of that dish you once mentioned. the animals we spoke of seem to echo your name, and suddenly, the world doesn’t look the same. it’s you in every view, every sound, every thought. i realize now—i’m all about you.

the flaws you think will push me away, i see them, and i stay. the heaviness you carry alone, i’ll be here—be your home. let the world pull at your gaze, but won’t you look at me instead? i’ll be here, unshaken and steady, the one who stays, endlessly.

they could weave their words into a storm, and cast their doubts like shadows on the shore, but with you, the noise fades, and the world feels lighter than ever before.

the gift i never expected to come, but i quickly contented to receive. the gift with many imperfections, but i’ll make it perfect in my own ways.

today i opened the pandora's box, and it tells me that time isn't on my side. i'm not on track. i'm lost. a presence—an existence blurred my judgement. i'm not being careful. i'm rushing things i should not. i ignored the signs—and i will do it again. i'm going to hold onto that lingering hope, believe in the deceptive expectation that’s trapped inside it—for however long it will be.

to you whom i cherish, you are one of the most precious beings i have ever known. your existence is like morning dew to my deserted days, a quiet refreshment that breathes life into me. your messages are the cherry on top of my cupcake, lighting me up with its sweetness and sourness—your strength and flaws, i deeply admire them all. you are the unexpected force i welcomed at my rusty door—the same force i want to protect, even if i must move mountains and lift monstrous stones. you are a presence this full-of-evil realm does not deserve—too precious, too adorable, too sweet, too kind. i could go on and on if it’s about you, and how this world and its people should have treated you. you are the one person i truly want to give a thousand little pats on the back, for always trying your best every single day. and i want to remind you that whatever storms, rains, and thunders come your way, i’ll always be here for you, making sure you know it will be okay.

to you whom i cherish, i don’t know what this is, but one thing i know is that every day, i hope for you to have a blessed day—that your coffee is always warm, as well as your tea, your soup, and your bowl of rice. and when it’s getting hot outside, i hope the clouds will always be an umbrella that i send for you, and the trees will be your private shade, finding you wherever you go. i hope you meet a cute stray cat you can pet wherever your feet take you. i hope you’re safe from obnoxious people and are always surrounded by good people and good energy. i hope that when the day ends, you can have time for yourself—a nice bath, a peaceful dinner, relaxing me time, and a good, tight sleep. i hope that your favorite side of the pillow is always cool and comfortable, your blankets are clean, and that the ghosts in your room are praying with me for your good rest, because you deserve every good thing this world could offer.

It was inviting, captivating, tempting, but you'll be forever be a ship I almost jump in.

i'll clap with my cherry blossoms petals, because, i'm that cherry blossom inside a garden you have turned into a waste pit—but despite that, i'll bloom.

but I'm waiting, for the time I can finally say the word.

there was a time when you were just this tiny pebble—insignificant, a speck of the universe i could easily ignore and toss aside. i don’t know when it happened, i didn’t realize when it all started, and i didn’t notice when this tiny pebble became a cobble—and eventually a boulder. an existence i tried to ignore and deny, but it was too expansive—i had to surrender. now here i am, crushed under the weight of you, a weight that was never meant to hold. but it’s my fault—even when i’m battered, i still choose not to scream the words that deserve to be heard by you.

but was any of it true? or just my endless tunnel of thoughts. sigh, and when i finally let myself to fall in love again, i will love hard—hard enough that i could feel my heart tighten just at the thought of them. i will love hard—so hard that my head spins when i see their text, and my heart skips at their presence. i will love hard again—so fiercely that every moment with them will feel like a gift, and without them, an ache.

“the songs about to start, the doors about to open” no, Niki, no. no songs about to start, it was silence all along. no doors about to open, only white walls surrounding me, sucking every last drop of my sanity. no flowers ever about to bloom, i am once again alone, in a desert.

“i don't like that falling feels like flying till the bone crush,” but I'm pretty sure i wasn't falling headfirst, and i know it wasn't a fall that could crush my bones. but maybe i was wrong all along, or maybe it was the unknown forces within you that shattered me into nothing when i realized what this pain was trying to tell me. now that it has come to this, could my shattered pieces even reach you by the help of the wind?