what's gonna be left of the world

If she was my mom, I would’ve emancipated myself before I was 18. I feel like if I criticize your mom’s taste in dishware anymore she’ll never let me back in your house. I don’t think I’ve been in a grocery store in years. I guess I’ll have to start going when I finally move out, but until then I’ll stick to having Cobie pick stuff up when I need it. That’s so weird. Maybe you should just wear your hood? Not especially, but then again I haven’t tried it so maybe they are and I’m just missing out. Trust me, I have Amazon Prime and it’s my best friend. It’s entirely possible. I might actually light on fire. 

Nah, she’ll totally let you back in the house -- I mean, she can’t stop you from coming into my garage apartment, and Richie likes you a lot, she wouldn’t want to explain that to him. You could hire a personal shopper or something; your family could afford that, right? And then you’d never have to worry about me trying to push you around in a shopping cart, because you know I’d ask. Or about me buying you stuff that comes in shark shapes. People with hoods are suspicious, too, there’s a delicate balance here, O! Are your clothes flammable? Do we need to go shopping and get you more flame retardant ones?

I guess I see the logic in that? But like, then they just cause a lot of pain and suffering for everyone else so it’s kinda shitty. Someone asked for a regular coffee, but with half water? And then like a combination of hazelnut and peppermint. It was super weird. The only thing that saves my day is when we split tips and I can take mine home. As long as you promise never to be an asshole to any barista, you’ll be fine. 

Nobody knows them personally. They cry a little bit and then forget it as soon as they find a new favorite band, I bet. Half water? Did they just want it to taste super weak or something? Was it hot or cold? Peppernut sounds kinda good, though! Like dipping a candy cane in Nutella. You guys just split them equally? That’s kinda cool, but also kinda communism? Or did I get that wrong? It seems like you should get what you earned when you were working and like, everyone else should too.

Bailey J: Question, what do you consider the minimal and maximum time that you can be touched/ touch another person before it's uncomfortable?

EMILIO: DONUTS

EMILIO: ARE

EMILIO: INCREDIBLE!!!

EMILIO: LIL DOUGH BALLS WITH HOLES AND THEN COVERED IN SUGAR!!!

EMILIO: A MASTERPIECE.

CALEB: DUDE I KNOW!

CALEB: I WANNA EAT LIKE SEVEN RIGHT NOW!

CALEB: OR USE THEM AS A BURGER BUN!

CALEB: OR TRY THE ICE CREAM STUFFED ONES I SAW ON INSTAGRAM!

I guess that’s true. I would just think most people would rather do it later than sooner. Um, just a regular caramel iced coffee I guess? I don’t mind doing one pump of something, but it’s when people get ridiculous that I get angry. 

Not everybody, the average rockstar likes to die when they’re 27 so that people will remember them forever as legends or something, instead of them living long enough for their music to get lame. What’s the craziest thing somebody asked for today? It’s chill, I can dump my own sugar in if I need more, I don’t wanna make you do extra work.

Art projects? Mason jars are not art. They’re a sin. Honestly, there are so many good types of cups, jars are not needed. I’ll go buy your mom a whole set of them if she needs some more. I wish our Target was a Super Target at least. Then there’d be more room to spread out and damage the merchandise discreetly. I hope not. I do have to go in there occasionally. I can’t do all my shopping online no matter how convenient that would be. That word is banned from here to the opposite end of the earth when it comes to me. 

I didn’t say I agreed with her, I was just passing on a direct quote. I mean, she has money to afford better stuff, maybe she just needs someone as smart as you to educate her on what it is. Dude, that would be even better, then I’d never have to hit up Kroger or Harris Teeter. There are so many old ladies who stop their carts to pinch my cheeks in those places, like... why? Do my cheeks seem pinchable to you? I mean, if you get Amazon Prime it all comes in 2 days and that makes doing all your shopping online almost possible. Fortunately, the perk of the garage apartment is that mom still gets stuff a lot of the time, though; if I ever move out I’m gonna have to go way more often and then I might just start ordering those Amazon grocery boxes instead. Do you think you’d drop dead just from crossing the threshold?

There’s nothing in life I love more than crushing a guys heart. Goodbye, Rodrigo, it was fun while we lasted. Actually, I’m lying. No it wasn’t. Onto bigger and better, though! No use in dwelling on the past. Who’s down for playing some True American this weekend? I’ll provide the booze, as long as you all sign waivers. 

Crap, I just told someone I’d smoke and rave but TRUE AMERICAN IS SO MUCH MORE FUN! I’m so good at it, my legs are really long so I can jump across the lava so easily, pick me, pick me, you totally want me on your team.

Being woken up at lunch time because your neighbors are blasting Hannah Montana songs is the best way to be woken up. I think it’s time to grab free food from Subway, and take Scoobert skateboarding through town. Anyone got any plans tonight? I wanna go smoke and rave.

Dude, niiiice. Have you ever listened to the one with the Jo Bros? That was a jam. I could totally be on board for the smoking and raving if there was any way you could get me a free five dollar footlong -- chicken bacon ranch is so good, I could like swallow it whole.

Sorry, man! I wasn’t sure whether you were busy or not, and I dropped my phone in the river the other day, and it’s taken me forever to dry it with my blow dryer! I’ll invite you next time, once my ankle heals. Or before. Who knows. Let’s see how bored I get between now and next week!

I can always make time for you, you’re my best subject! No, no, no, don’t do the blowdryer thing, that can like fry it -- my mom wouldn’t let me use hers when I dropped my phone in the toilet, she told me you’re supposed to put it in rice instead. Just get an ankle brace! Nothing’s supposed to be able to slow you down.

Maybe you should come up with a better story than getting distracted by tweets? Like stopping a murderer or eating a bad burrito?

There hasn’t been a murder in Coolsville in ages since like, the last Mystery Inc. was around, I don’t think anyone’s gonna buy that! The bad burrito I already used one day when I wanted to hang out with a friend who was home for spring break, though, so like... I dunno, he might just tell me I’m never allowed to eat Mexican food on break again, and that would be bad. But those are good ideas, you got any more?

Oh, hey! Little Sullivan! Milo has told me about you and if you’re half as cool as he is, I’m sure you’re a great dude. So, what’s happening in the town of Coolsville I can jump in on? 

He did? Score, he knows what he’s talking about. Uh -- a lot of people get married this time of year because I have to go photograph them for my job. Do you like wedding crashing? That’s definitely a thing you could try.

Sharks can tweet? RAD. I thought they’d find that a little hard, with being them being all fins and no thumbs. What kinda shark is Montauk? Is he a Great White? Montauk definitely sounds like a badass shark name. Just tell your boss you were getting a blowjob while developing the photos, and then he’ll have to understand. Nobody can resist a good blow.

Dude, isn’t it the best thing ever? I think it’s the OCEARCH dudes doing it for them but who cares who it is, what the sharks have to say is beautiful. Montauk is a great white, yeah! They caught him as a baby and he’s an adorable little bugger, he’s gotta be my favorite shark of all... Though Rock Star Lydia, she’s really not far behind. Hmm -- I dunno, then it sounds like I let other people into the lab to see our ‘secret technique’, that might get me fired faster than the sharks, bro. Plus, uh, I’m not sure he’d believe that.

I’m four shots of espresso into Thursday, and I’m ready to rumble! Me and my band have got a gig at a bar tomorrow, and I’m puuumped! I feel like I could do 100 laps around Coolsville, but I probably shouldn’t. My heart might give out. Ohio is insane! Being in a band is insane. I might be insane!

Dude, nobody in Coolsville is having as much fun right now as you are. How can you drink so much coffee? That stuff tastes like butt! It’s all about Red Bull for me, that’s what gives me wings instead. Are you in my cousin’s band too, or is there some battle of the bands suddenly happening here that nobody warned me about?

Only ten days into being twenty one and I’m already over the hype of being drinking age. It was only cool drinking on my actual birthday, now I’m bored.

Really? Are you like not doing it right or something? Drinking’s more about who you’re with than where you are.

Thank God. It was hell watching your mom feed Richie out of those things. I know that was like five years ago, but I’m still traumatized. I hate that baby food jars are just little mason jars now. Who came up with that idea? We could, but we’ve already been kicked out for doing that once. Should we risk it again? 

Right? Her excuse was that she would use them afterwards for art projects, but I’ve never seen her do anything but drink from them. Like, what has she got against cups? I even got her a really cool Tervis cup with sharks on it for mothers day to replace the mason jars, she’ll never even miss them. Hmm... Yeah, it would help if Coolsville were big or cool enough to have more than one Target, do you think they have us on a Target’s most wanted list yet? Because I kinda like buying snacks there, I don’t wanna be permanently banned but I know better than to say the W-word to you...