the jade pavilion

When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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His bright blue eyes snapped open to see you pouting at him, hands over your already very sore breasts that he had painfully squeezed against his side. "Oh" he frowned, understanding. "It's that week, isn't it?"

You nodded slowly, letting Satoru manoeuvre you on your back so he could rest on his elbow next to you. When you first found out he was tracking your cycle you did call him a freak, but to be honest, it was worth it with how gentle he was with you now.

"Is it really bad?" he asked, tracing soft lines over your collarbone with his free hand. His touch was feather light, his hand apologising to your tender skin.

"It hurts" you exhaled, letting your head sink into the pillow with a long sigh. "They feel heavy"

"Heavy?" Satoru echoed, very obviously looking down to your chest. Naturally, you pinched him. "Ow! What was that for?"

"I'm in pain and you want to check if they're bigger?!" you growled, ready to throw a pillow right on his stupid white hair.

"No no no, you know I think they’re perfect” Satoru apologised immediately, peppering kisses all over your face. "It was for science only"

"Sure" you rolled your eyes, but you couldn't keep the angry act for long, not with your boyfriend's puppy dog eyes so close to your face.

"I mean it, I only want to help" he said, sitting up. And you did believe him – your boyfriend had been trying his best since he figured out how difficult pms was for you.

Last month, he even bought you a personalised hot water bottle with both your initials on it. Baby blue, of course.

You weren't sure who else would be confusing their hot water bottle for yours anyway, but its the gesture that counts.

"Come here baby, I'll help you up" he called to you with wide open arms, but as soon as he started to pull you up, you groaned again. "Is it that bad?" he grimaced, seeing your hands go back to holding onto your sore breasts.

Unfortunately, it was.

"It's ok" you tried to deflect, feeling bad for how worried he seemed. "You don't have to worry about m–"

"None of that" Satoru pouted. "Does that help?" he nodded to your hands, clearly some sort of plan starting to form in that head of his.

"Kind of" you replied, massaging yourself. "Should probably put on a bra" you sighed.

"In bed?!" Satoru shook his messy white hair side to side. "It's unfair" he completed solemnly. And you agreed with him.

But then he opened up his mouth again, with that tone he employed when he was going to suggest something... unusual.

"Why don't you...let me help?"

That made you stop halfway, turning up to look at him. "What do you mean?"

"Just… come here" he said, extending those pale fingers to you. You had one raised eyebrow, but let him do what he had intended – and soon his large palms were closing around your breasts.

"Pervert" you deadpanned.

"You said it helped!" he argued.

You took a moment, considering. You were very used to your boyfriend touching you everywhere, of course, but you had never seen him look so commited about it. It was almost endearing, in a kind of, um, odd way.

"So, what, you'll just be my personal bra today?" you teased.

"If you want me to" he nodded.

"Aren't your arms getting tired?" you narrowed your eyes at him.

"Baby, this is what I train for" he replied smugly.

You let out a little laugh, enjoying your boyfriend's silly plan and how serious he was about it. "You can't possibly keep this up" you joked.

"Wanna bet?"

You shouldn't have said yes. But of course you did.

The rest of the day was spent with Satoru glued to you – more so than usual. "You're enjoying this" you poked him as he stood with his chin on top of your head and his hands right where he promised they'd be, watching you make your morning coffee.

"You wound me, princess" he pretended to sigh. "This is for your own good"

Sure it was.

Later you sat down to watch TV, and Satoru placed you right on his lap, before his hands returned to your chest. "You're ridiculous" you laughed, his chin heavy on your shoulder this time and your back to his chest.

"Is it helping?" he asked.

In truth, it was. He was warm and soft and much more comfortable than a real bra; and walking around like you had been cursed into attachment was lifting your mood as much as it was annoying you too.

His eccentric ways were just one of the things you loved about your boyfriend, after all.

Of course, this all got a bit too ridiculous when you announced you were going to shower, and got followed by the white haired giant all the way into the bathroom. "You can't be serious" you looked up at him.

"I only want to hel–Ow! Ok, I'll be outside"

You laughed, seeing his pout as he closed the door behind him. It was adorable how devoted he was to this stupid plan – and you also couldn't deny you missed his loving touch as soon as he had let go of you.

Maybe he could help you shower too. He only wanted you to feel better, right?

"Satoru" you called, not even surprised when the door opened before you had even finished saying his name.

"Need me?" he grinned from ear to ear.

You would have pinched him again if he wasn't so damn adorable.

my boobs feel like they're about to explode and this is what came of it I don't know what else to say

permatags @madamechrissy @mercipourleveninx @septembermoonchild @plaguecxlt @nanamitiddiechomper @kekeanna266 @amazedfor @dogggggggblog-kaye @literallyadarling @dawnsoblivion @chewiebee @iquitfindingausername @valberryboos @pwd54gr54 @raendarkfaerie @bbfawns @itimisu @sapph22 @bornafairy @sukunahs @hatchus2 @sukubusss @pawwwginaaa @b-bitter

When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

taglist: @indiewritesxoxo @alebrasil0101 @unikittylover57 @maomimii @xadenpoop @mxchiii @tinkspen @martianzmars @drasticallyinluv @grimm3r @choyuxx @janellawliet @nanamigirl4ever @actuallynarii @aiive @chloe022r @targaryenposts @erasersslut @loulasav @natsolox @kenstarsworld @elviqss @blu3berryies @cupidstrace @ksjtozaki @feyrinnn @heartless-rythm @beaniesayshi @shazzer29 @mortallyshadysoul @neverlandqueen36 @sweethoneycream @mikkmmmii @sikurgvx @8nitxe @lexispeak @inmywhitegown @unlimited-impressions @absolutelycaffeinateddevil @paulineeo @onlykuna @jjkfannn34 @queendom-of-yuki @blinmkk @emmaiscool22 @angelbabyy111 @moonsquid49 @0imliterallybatman @crunchycathy @yailuxe

When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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When you’d first arrived back in town after escaping Mahito’s clutches, you’d gone straight to your parents to tell them what had happened and to ask for them to contact the Higurumas to help you through the legal process. If you’d been more mentally stable at the time perhaps you would’ve gone to them alone, playing along with your father’s request to not bring Sukuna to the house. 

But you’d been in no fit state to do anything alone, so Sukuna had tagged along that evening to support you, revealing himself to your mother for the first time as your boyfriend. 

To say that first meeting had been rocky was something of an understatement.

Her judgement of the man was evident and only further heightened by your father’s obvious disapproval. If you hadn’t been in such a state of distress you were certain that both of them would’ve outright voiced how disappointed they were in you. Perhaps they would’ve even asked Sukuna to leave.

But neither of them spoke out actively against him that day - not when he was the only thing you seemed to be clinging to, desperate not to be parted from him for a second. 

They could understand that he was your saviour - that you needed him, and even begrudgingly accepted it when you all but moved into his apartment in the weeks that followed, spending every night with him in the one place you felt safe and comfortable. It wasn’t like they were happy about it - you knew that, but they weren’t about to stand in the way of their traumatised daughter and her wants. 

Sukuna was the one thing keeping you going, and your parents knew that. 

Even if he was far from ideal in their minds. 

Your mother, no matter her opinion on a person, had always been the type to try to keep things civil and polite, which was how you and Sukuna had ended up invited for dinner at your childhood home, in which your mother was trying her best to extend an olive branch and keep an open mind about your boyfriend. 

It had already been an awkward affair, and you were desperate to leave, but Sukuna seemed unfettered, smiling politely at your mother’s largely condescending questions. 

“No, I didn’t go to college. My family wasn't very well off and even with scholarships it would’ve been hard for me. I might go back to school in a few years once I have some savings, but it was always a better option for me to earn.” His arm came to wrap around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him in an act that no doubt had your father seething. “I’m set on finding a good career though. I want to be able to provide.” 

Your mother gave him a polite smile before diverting her attention back down to her plate, while your father rolled his eyes. It was clear that neither of them particularly liked the idea of him thinking long term about your relationship. In the few times she’d caught you alone since finding out about Sukuna, your mother had not so subtly reminded you that Hiromi was still single and willing to date, pairing it with the suggestion that a change of scenery might be good for you. 

So far you’d politely turned her down, but the whole thing was starting to grate on your nerves. Sukuna was who you’d chosen - he’d protected you through the worst of times and was continuing to care for you now, even when you were depressed and traumatised. There wasn’t anyone else you wanted - it was only him. 

It had always been him and always would be. 

“Do you think you’ll be coming back to work soon, sweetheart?” Your dad asked, shifting his attention to you. 

Since the incident you’d found it difficult to even get out of bed most days, your mind laden with thoughts of Mahito and what might’ve happened if Sukuna hadn’t arrived. And when you weren’t thinking about that, you were picturing Shoko’s lifeless body laid out on the floor. The idea of holding it together for a whole day of work seemed impossible. 

Your father had been understanding enough to allow Sukuna to take a couple of weeks off after everything first went down, aware that he didn’t want you left alone in such a distraught state, but Sukuna had been back on site for weeks now, while you still moped around at home. Your phone and Sukuna’s gun were never far from your grip whenever you were alone, constantly on edge that you’d hear the rattling of a window or the slow unlatching of the door, leading you to another terrible fate. 

“I- I don’t know.” 

You’d been waiting to return back to your normal self, to bounce back to the way you were before. But you felt like a vital part of you had been stolen, never to be returned. It was so similar to how you’d felt after Ryu’s death, and yet so different too. With Ryu, it had been like getting carried away by a stream, constantly trying to get your head above rushing water to take a breath. 

This felt more still - like you were drifting steadily to the bottom of a calm lake without the capability to kick back up to the surface. There was a numbness to the pain that settled within you through each passing day, like pieces of your heart were slowly being peeled away and cast aside. The piece that Sukuna held in his hands felt like the only one that was safe, protected by the one person who brought you comfort. 

“It's fine for me to look after her.” Sukuna cut in before your dad could respond. “She doesn’t need to work.”

The man pressed his lips into a thin line, collecting himself before making any rash response to Sukuna’s words. He’d hardly eaten any of his meal, clearly discomforted by the whole situation of having a dinner party with someone he didn’t approve of, someone who he knew had laid hands all over his daughter. 

“She should work. She’s more qualified than you are, it would be silly to let years of education go to waste.” 

“I don’t doubt her skill.” Sukuna bit back, “I simply care for her wellbeing. When she feels better she can decide what she wants to do, I’ll support her whether it brings us millions of dollars or makes us nothing.” 

“That’s admirable, don’t you think, honey?” Your mother tried her best to disarm the tension, casting a glance at your father who seemed utterly unconvinced. 

You kept quiet, uninterested in pushing your way into the conversation. Dinner hadn’t seemed like the best idea, even if you could see your mother’s intent. Your father would never accept Sukuna no matter how good a person he was to you - his low social standing already sealed that deal, making this whole meeting a waste of everyone’s time. 

It was better if you simply kept the two halves of your life apart. There was no point in causing strife or trying to convince your dad of anything when he was already deadset in his beliefs. He wanted you to marry someone wealthy like Hiromi, someone who could take care of you financially without working on a construction site. 

Someone with soft, uncalloused hands. 

Someone who would never think to cover themselves in tattoos. 

Sukuna would never be that, so he’d never be accepted. If anything, his heroic act of saving you from Mahito had only further concreted him as someone unpleasant in your father’s eyes - the type of man who was strong and scrappy enough to kill another. 

That his actions were in defence of you didn’t seem to matter. 

And for that reason you were done trying to argue. 

You’d only agreed to the dinner invitation because Sukuna had urged you to, emphasising the importance in him building a relationship with your family if you were going to be together. But ultimately, he was on his own on that front, because you could see no way in which dinner would end with anything but more animosity between both parties. 

So you’d let them talk things out, excusing yourself to the bathroom to free yourself of conversation you had no interest in hearing. 

Well, that and because you’d been beset with the sudden urge to vomit. 

For the last few days your stomach had been odd. You’d been waking up each morning feeling nauseous, leaving you sprinting to the toilet and throwing up until your stomach was emptied of its bile. Throughout the day the dizziness would decrease, but you found yourself disinterested in most foods, that wave of sickness passing through you at the hint of various scents. 

At first you’d convinced yourself it was a bug, but as you’d excused yourself from the table, suddenly nauseous after lifting a piece of broccoli to your mouth, you began to wonder if that was all it was. 

You’d stood there, in your parents downstairs toilet, peering at yourself in the mirror. The sound of Sukuna making strained conversation echoed through the wooden door and you paid it little mind, letting words drift into mere noise while you studied your reflection. It was hard to recognise the person staring back at you, with your sunken eyes and chapped lips serving as a constant reminder of the difficult few weeks you’d had. 

But those weren’t the changes you were focussed on. 

Prodding at your cheeks, you became certain that you were putting on weight, your face a little rounder than you were used to it being. In addition, acne had begun to spring up across your forehead and chin, symptoms that were usually only present when you were on your period. 

Now that you were considering it, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d been on your period. 

It hadn’t been cause for concern, because the contraceptive pill had occasionally caused inconsistency with your cycle, meaning a missed period or spotting wasn’t unusual. That paired with how much stress you’d been under, it came as no surprise that you hadn’t been bleeding as usual. 

That combined with the nausea though? And the subtle changes to your face? That was a concern. 

You hadn’t realised how long you’d been in there pondering the facts until there was a quiet knock on the door. 

“Is everything okay honey?” Your mother called out.

“Yeah, all good.” 

“Can I come in?” 

Swallowing, you dried tears that had appeared on your face, not quite sure when you’d started crying. You pulled open the door and let her step in. If she noticed the redness of your cheeks she said nothing, simply pulling the door shut behind her to get some privacy. 

“You’ve been in here a while,” she commented. You turned back to the mirror, watching her through the reflection as she sat down on the edge of the bath, eyes meeting yours. “Are you sure you’re okay? We’re not upsetting you are we? I know dad can be difficult.” 

Shrugging, you shook your head. “It's what I expected. It's fine.” It wasn’t fine, you loved Sukuna and you wanted others to see what you could see - you hated that a dinner with your parents felt like torture all because you dad didn’t approve, but asking him to change his ways would be like asking the sun to stop shining, so there was no point in lamenting. 

“It's not fine. I’ll speak to him. I know we were both shocked when you brought Sukuna here, but if he makes you happy I’ll do nothing to chase him away.” 

“You don’t like him though, do you?” You asked, staring at her bitterly through the mirror. Your hand had subconsciously moved up to your stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea forced its way through you, leaving you swaying on your feet. 

“I…” She hesitated. “I was surprised, but I don’t know him well enough to dislike him.” It was a diplomatic answer, and you did all you could to avoid rolling your eyes. “But what I think doesn’t matter. Do you like him, sweetheart? Do you think he’s good for you?” 

“Yes.” 

That was the easiest answer you’d ever given.

“Then that’s all that matters to me, and it's all that should matter to you dad,” she said. “I just don’t want you to drift away from us because of this. It would break my heart for you to go off and have children with him only for us to never see them because we can’t play nice. If that boy treats you well, then your dad will just have to accept it.” 

You nodded, only half listening. What she was saying was nice, you appreciated the sentiment, finding it pleasant to have someone on your side for once. However, you were too focused on the shifting feeling in your stomach to be truly grateful for what she was saying. You just wanted to be left alone, uninterested in having a conversation about your current state with your mother. 

A basic acceptance of Sukuna being in your life was probably already a big enough adjustment for her. 

Adding a potential pregnancy into the mix could ruin everything. 

Especially when you had no idea how you were meant to feel about it. 

“Anyway,” she continued at your silence. “I’ll leave you be - I don’t want to abandon Sukuna to your father for too long. Don’t hide away all night, I think it's better if your dad sees the two of you together looking all happy - it’ll soften him up.”

You offered her a smile as she placed a gentle hand on your shoulder before heading back to the dinner table, the quiet sound of conversation continuing while you remained still, hands grasping the edge of the basin, wondering if the small portion of food you’d eaten was going to rise up from your stomach. 

There was no point in panicking until you were certain of what you suspected, and for now you almost wanted to bury your head in the sand. Even though you loved Sukuna, this didn’t feel like the right time for this - you were still picking through so much trauma and you couldn’t imagine doing that with a baby at your hip. 

Besides, you weren’t particularly certain how Sukuna would take the news. 

He’d always been open about wanting children with you one day, but you assumed that was a statement for the future, once the two of you were in a better position. There was no space in Sukuna’s apartment to raise a child - you’d have to drastically change both of your lives if you were going to make space for an extra addition. 

Panic swelled within you, and you braced yourself harder against the sink, your head spinning. 

It wasn’t something you had the time or space to consider. You had too much on your mind to really think about it. For all you knew, you could be getting ahead of yourself - what if you were just ill? What if everything was a coincidence? Worrying before taking a pregnancy test was foolish. 

You’d wait until Sukuna was at work and buy one at the drug store, and until then you’d give it no further thought. 

—

On the way to the drug store the following day, you ran into Yuki. It was a chance meeting - she was stepping out of the coffee shop next door, brown eyes widening as they met yours. Conversation between the two of you had been limited, mainly on your part. You could find little energy to spend time with anyone who wasn’t Sukuna, and seeing Yuki had unpleasant memories rushing through your mind. 

That same feeling seemed to present itself in her, as she winced at the sight of you, quickly attempting to replace the expression with an uneasy smile. 

She looked similar to you - her eyes were sunken and exhausted, and she’d lost some weight since you’d last seen her. She was usually a muscular girl, the epitome of health, and to see her looking so skinny made your heart sink. 

“Hey. Long time no see,” she said. Her tone was lacking any enthusiasm, but you knew not to take it personally. If her last few weeks had been anything like yours, she simply didn’t have the energy to spare. 

“Hey,” you responded bashfully. “Sorry I’ve been bad at replying to your texts…”

“Don’t sweat it. I get it.” She chewed on her lower lip, swaying awkwardly on her feet. “Do you wanna come to my place? I could really do with talking to you.” The reluctance in your eyes must’ve been evident, because she was quick to continue speaking. “Nothing sinister. I just miss you.” 

Glancing at the drug store, you nodded. “Sure, I just need to grab something first if that’s okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

Much to your dismay, she followed you as you stepped into the store. You’d assumed she’d wait for you outside, but you should’ve known that luck never tended to favour you in such a manner. Agonising in your head, you wondered if you should buy something other than a pregnancy test to avoid any questions from Yuki, but in the end you decided that would be embarrassingly cowardly. 

Both of you were adults. If you needed a pregnancy test, you needed a pregnancy test. There was no scandal to be had. 

You picked one up from the shelves casually, casting a sideways glance at your friend as you did so. Something akin to disappointment flickered in her eyes for a moment, but she managed to conceal it well. She offered no words of judgement, trailing behind you as you went to pay, and failing to mention it on the short walk back to her place. 

It had been a long time since you were last at her house, but it felt comforting to be there all the same. Yuki had always had a great eye for decor, and her living room was filled with tasteful colours and low lighting which gave it a lovely cozy feeling. It was sweet to see Choso’s things scattered with Yuki’s across the room, making it clear that the space belonged to the both of them. 

Soon, you’d have to speak to Sukuna about moving into his place properly - or perhaps having the two of you move into a new place entirely. It would be nice to have something that belonged to the two of you, rather than feeling like you were intruding on a space that belonged only to him. You wanted more than a single drawer in his home. 

“Can I get you anything? Water? Green tea?” She asked, as you settled down on one of the sofas, sinking back against the pillow.

“I’m okay.” You still weren’t over your wave of sickness that morning, and didn’t want to consume anything that would make it worse. Yuki nodded, and sat down across from you, an awkwardness settling over the room as the two of you sat there in silence. 

After weeks apart, you weren’t clear on what to say to Yuki. You didn’t know if you should discuss what had happened at Satoru’s lakehouse, or if you should ask about the trauma that followed. Both matters were touchy subjects of discussion. But equally, it felt hard to discuss anything else. Sukuna was off the table, and so was Shoko. It felt like you’d have to dance around so many topics that it was easier not to speak at all. 

While considering your next words, you found yourself remembering that you’d been invited to Yuki’s house, leaving the burden of conversation on her shoulders not yours. That had you relaxing a little, watching your friend struggle with the same conflict in her own mind. 

She took a long sip of coffee before speaking, as if steeling herself for what she was about to say. “I’m sorry, for what I did back at Satoru’s place. I shouldn’t have- sorry.” 

You tilted your head, struggling to compute what she was saying. In your mind she had nothing to apologise for - you’d all been in a terrifying situation brought on by a couple of psychopaths. Unless she’d outright invited them into the house, there was no apology needed.

But the deep guilt in her eyes was stark, like it had been eating away at her for a long time. 

“I know you’re mad at me. I think you hate me, don’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. I get it, I picked you to be hurt by Mahito, I probably deserve to be hated.”

Your memory of that evening was largely spotty, and you’d blocked out much of what had happened to you. At Yuki’s words, the memory of Mahito forcing her to inflict injury onto you or Shoko came rushing back to you. It wasn’t something you’d held against her - she didn’t truly have a choice in the matter. If she hadn’t chosen a name Mahito would’ve killed you all. 

What else was she meant to do but pick you? Especially with Shoko in the state she’d been in. 

“I’m not mad at you, Yuki. You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said softly. “I haven’t been avoiding you either, I just haven’t had energy for anyone but Sukuna. I can barely drag myself from bed in the morning.”

“Right,” she mumbled, clutching her coffee cup a little harder. “But I deserve hatred. I watched him cut you up and did nothing. Shoko was more of a saviour to you than I was - all I could do was cry and watch it happen.” 

“And you’re alive. So that was probably the right thing to do.” Shoko’s actions had been foolish. You’d had no way of knowing it at the time, but if she’d just held on a little longer perhaps she’d still be alive. The boys could’ve rescued all three of you. 

Yuki nodded, brows furrowing as tears pricked at her eyes. You were only just noticing how bloodshot they were, like she’d been crying so regularly that the white was permanently tinged with red. 

It was sad to see someone like her reduced to tears. 

“Shoko. Oh god,” she sniffled. “I can’t stop seeing her when I close my eyes. I was angry at her when she died, so fucking angry over the fact she’d slept with Choso all those years ago. What kind of a wicked person am I to have felt that way about her in her final moments? It was such an unimportant thing and I was seething at her just before her heart stopped. I’m so fucking selfish.” 

You rose to your feet, crossing the gap between the two of you and taking a seat at her side. Your arm looped around her shoulder, and you pulled her close to you as she cried, struggling to hear her ramblings while she wept into your shirt. It was a dynamic you’d never experienced before, unaccustomed to comforting Yuki, but you did your best all the same. 

“Stop, Yuki. There’s no point in guilt. She’s gone and there’s nothing we could’ve done - we were both just trying to live.” 

She said nothing, and you let her cry for a while longer, stroking your hand through her long blonde hair. It felt like it had been a long time since the two of you had sat together in any amount of harmony for more than five minutes. Ever since Sukuna had come into your life things had been tense and uncomfortable - for once you felt like the two of you were on common ground, just like you had been throughout your teenage years. 

Even if this particular common ground was something you wished you didn’t have to share. 

Slowly, Yuki drew back from you, drying her tears with her sleeve. She took a deep breath as she stared over at you, cogs working away in her brain, like she had much more to divulge but she wasn’t quite sure how to approach the topic. 

“Did he rape you? Mahito?” She asked, abandoning any tact and coming straight out with the question. Your heart picked up in fear at the mere mention of the word, unwilling to consider how close you’d actually come to that fate. 

“No. Sukuna found me first.” 

She let out a laugh which sounded almost bitter, dropping her voice as she spoke. “Right, of course he did.” Before you could question what she meant by that, she was speaking once more. “I was raped, did you know that? Did your boyfriend tell you that?” 

Reeling, you shuffled back from her a little, caught off guard by her fresh burst of spiteful energy. Her statement had come so suddenly that you were struggling to get your head around it, your mind still on her guilt and sorrow for Shoko, struggling to understand how anything had to do with Sukuna. 

“What?” You stumbled over the word. “I d-didn’t know. Oh Yuki-” 

“Stop. It happened, there’s nothing to be done about that. I’m glad it didn’t happen to you, but were you aware that it didn’t need to happen to me either?” 

Still struggling to follow, you tilted your head in question. “O-of course it didn’t need to happen. Those guys were awful, they should have never-” 

She sighed, cutting you off. “Of course you don’t know. Why would he have told you? It would ruin his image, wouldn’t it?” 

“What?” You asked, dumbfounded and eager for Yuki to just get to the point already. Your head was starting to spin and you didn’t want to focus too hard on anything. If she wanted you to reach a conclusion on your own she'd have to accept that you were in no physical condition to do so at that moment. 

“Sukuna saw me. He saw me in a room with that man, skulked about in the hallway watching while Jogo hit me, while he climbed on top of me. He could’ve stopped it, could’ve burst in and helped but he didn’t. He disappeared off to look for you and left me to my fate. It was five minutes until Choso found me, five minutes that I’ll never forget.” 

Conflict warred in your heart, leaving you uncertain on how to react. Sukuna had told you Yuki was safe - he’d lied. To leave someone to their fate at the hands of a psychopath was despicable behaviour, and exactly the type of thing that Yuki warned you about when it came to him. 

But at the same time you couldn’t help but believe he’d lied for a good reason. His first priority had always been you, and if he’d felt that intervening with Yuki’s situation would leave you to a dire fate, it didn’t surprise you to hear he’d make a harsh decision. 

It didn’t make you feel okay about it, but you could understand his thinking. The couple of minutes he’d have taken to save Yuki might’ve been minutes in which you’d be raped or killed, and he was unwilling to risk that. 

He’d made a hard decision out of love for you. He’d known Choso was coming for Yuki, but no one else was coming for you except him. 

Besides, a nasty part of you questioned Yuki’s statement regardless. It had been a stressful night for all involved, and who was to say that she truly saw what she thought she saw. For this to be the first time she’d mentioned it felt odd, and she’d admitted to wanting to sabotage your relationship once already. You were deeply sorry for what had happened to her, but you couldn’t understand why Sukuna needed to take the blame.

The person deserving of blame was rotting in a prison cell. There was no more to be discussed. 

Your thought process must’ve reflected into your eyes, because Yuki’s face contorted into an expression of sheer horror. “Oh my god, you don’t believe me. Why the fuck would I lie? He looked at me and walked away. Your sweet boyfriend left me to be raped.”

“Yuki, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m not going to disparage Sukuna without at least talking to him first. We were all in a stressful situation and everyone made mistakes - you yourself said you made mistakes - it's not fair to assume something that hasn’t even been discussed.” 

She shook her head. “You’re unbelievable. What will it take to convince you that he’s rotten?” 

You scoffed. “‘To convince me’,” you echoed flatly, “and you wonder why I didn’t instantly believe you. All you ever do is try to drive a wedge between us. If Sukuna had stepped in and saved you - if I’d been raped because of that, you would’ve used that as an excuse to prove he was rotten.” 

Yuki parted her lips to protest, but the words died on her tongue. She knew that to be true - no matter the situation she would always use it as an opportunity to twist it around on him. She knew it. 

“Please, Yuki, I’ll speak to him about it. I feel terrible about what happened to you but you have to stop attacking my boyfriend at every turn. I already lost Shoko, I don’t want to lose you too.” 

She shook her head, shoulders dropping in defeat, a look of sheer disbelief marring her face. “God, he really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? It's embarrassing. I feel like I’m watching you get chipped away and I can’t stop it no matter what I do.”

“Perhaps you could’ve tried being kind to me,” you said, voice trembling a little. “For the last few months you’ve done nothing but treat me like I’m stupid, so I’m sorry if I seem difficult, or distant. I don’t want to fight with you, I haven’t even said that I don’t believe you, but you only ever see what you want.” 

Yuki bit her lip, shaking her head. “I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t see another way, and now it's too late, isn’t it? His claws are in you. I suppose his kid is too, huh?” She asked, gesturing to your bag, where a pregnancy test sat within. 

You said nothing, tears prickling at your eyes. You didn’t want to deal with any of this, you simply wanted to go home and curl up in a cocoon and forget everything you’d heard from Yuki that morning. You wanted Sukuna to wrap himself around you and play with your hair, and you wanted to stay there for all of time, until everything disappeared but you and him. 

“Are you just gonna keep it?” She asked quietly, the plea in her tone not going amiss.

“I don’t know,” you answered coolly, getting to your feet and pulling your bag over your shoulder. You’d gain nothing from staying there longer beyond Yuki taking more shots at your lover, and it would do little to sway your opinion. You’d speak to him about it once he was home later that evening. 

But you knew it would change little. 

If Yuki and Sukuna were the only witnesses to the situation, they would exchange barbs and differing views until the end of time. 

And ultimately you’d have to side with the person you were in love with. 

Heading towards the door, you paused at the threshold, casting a look back at your friend. She was staring at you, sadness and anger blending together in her chestnut eyes.

“For the record, Yuki, if the situation was reversed and Choso saw me in peril and walked away knowing that you weren’t safe either and wanted to get to you first, I would forgive him. People prioritise those they love, and you can call that fucked up all you want, but its human nature. I mean, you chose me for Mahito to cut open. We’re all ugly in an ugly situation.” 

You didn’t let her speak again, slamming the door behind you and exiting onto the street beyond. 

—

The rest of your day had been spent obsessively cleaning Sukuna’s apartment. It was an activity that was long overdue, because things had been piling up over the past few weeks with you in a lethargic state. It would be nice for Sukuna to come home to a clean place, as a thank you for looking after you so well while you’d been incapable of anything. 

Besides, cleaning was an activity that allowed you to take your mind off things. 

Between the unpleasantness of the conversation you’d had with Yuki, and the positive pregnancy test sitting in the bathroom trash, you could really do with letting your mind go blank at least until Sukuna came home. 

Once he was there to share your problems and concerns with, things would be better. Issues always seemed smaller when voiced, and Sukuna always knew the right thing to say or do. Spending the afternoon laying in bed fretting would do you no good. 

Starting in the kitchen, you’d been thorough in working your way through Sukuna’s apartment - scrubbing the floors, dusting the bookshelves, wiping the insides of the windows. By the time you made it into the bathroom, your final obstacle for the day, it was growing dark outside.

Sukuna had said he’d be back late that evening. It was the birthday of one of the guys on the construction crew, and he’d been invited out for drinks after work. You were certain it wouldn’t be long until he made it home, never eager on spending too much time with his coworkers, so you picked up your pace as you set to making the bathroom sparkle. 

It had been easy, mindless work much like everything else that afternoon until you ran a mop across the floor and knocked a tile loose. 

Initially, you’d thought nothing of it, putting the mop aside for a moment and moving to put the tile back in its place below the sink. Your hand faltered at the realisation that there was a hollowed out space beneath the misplaced tile, with a small plastic bag hidden within. 

If you were wise, perhaps you would’ve left it alone. Maybe you would’ve assumed that it had been left there by a previous occupant of the apartment, or maybe by the tilers who had originally fitted the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of you, and you found yourself reaching into the hole and withdrawing the plastic bag from its position. 

What you held was a neatly packed thing, containing a mobile phone, car keys and a wallet. None of the items looked recognisable to you - Sukuna’s phone was black and, as of recently, had a Hello Kitty charm you’d given him dangling from it, meanwhile this phone was silver and bare. Not to mention, the blue wallet looked nothing like Sukuna’s usual leather one. 

You weren’t sure what you were expecting as you pulled the items from their bag, wondering if Sukuna even knew of their existence. Perhaps some criminal had lived here before him and had stowed away a spare phone and ID to use for illegal dealings. You placed the phone and keys on the counter, turning your attention immediately to the wallet. 

For some reason it felt familiar to you, with the insignia of some heavy metal band printed across the front.

There was no time for you to ponder on where you’d seen it before - no need for you to connect the dots on your own, not when your fingers were already prying open the wallet, gaze falling upon a gut-wrenchingly familiar face staring at you from the ID hidden within.

Hajime Kashimo. 

All the air in your lungs disappeared, and you found yourself frozen. No thoughts came to your mind, all you could do was stare blankly at the item in your hand, unwilling to draw any conclusions about what its presence in your boyfriend’s floor meant. Slowly, your eyes moved to the phone, suddenly realising how familiar it was to you - as was the lightning bolt keychain hanging from the set of keys. 

Why would anything of Kashimo’s be in Sukuna’s apartment? 

They hadn’t known each other. 

Your body moved on its own, reaching for the phone and flipping it open, dismayed to find that it was dead, offering no further explanation as to what was going on. Slowly you put it down, sinking to your knees, gaze still fixed on that image of Kashimo staring up at you. 

There had to be an explanation for this - some reason for Sukuna to possess these items, something that would make everything make sense. There had to be. And yet, there was some part of you that told you to exert caution, to think lucidly about what you’d just found, to consider the facts of the last time you’d seen Kashimo. 

Satoru had told you about the man’s infidelity, and Sukuna had comforted you afterwards. You’d largely considered that moment to be the catalyst for your relationship to bloom. Kashimo had been normal with you for the rest of the reunion, only showing his true colours via text after he’d left. 

From a phone that was now in possession of your boyfriend. 

Since then, you had heard nothing from Kashimo, aware only of a snippet of a rumor from a university acquaintance that he had moved out of the city and left his band in the lurch. Gone off to Hollywood, apparently, not unlike Yorozu. 

Anxiety pushed its way into your chest as your brain connected the last few dots. Sukuna had seemed so comfortable in his execution of Mahito, so controlled in the way he guided your hand, like he’d done it many times before. 

Maybe he had done it before. 

Perhaps he’d framed Kashimo of something despicable and disposed of him before you could ever verify the truth. 

No, no, no. 

You wouldn’t believe it. You couldn’t. Sukuna had been nothing but loving towards you, always looking out for your best interests, offering you comfort and protection in your darkest times. He couldn’t have killed him, or if he did there would’ve been a good reason for it. 

That you were certain of. 

Earlier that day you’d told Yuki that you wouldn’t condemn Sukuna without hearing him out first, and in that moment you were jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was an explanation - of course there was an explanation, you just needed to ask for it. 

Trying to contain the tremor in your hands, you packed the items back into the bag and returned them to their position, sliding the tile back to where it had been before. Letting out a shuddering breath, you tried your best to calm yourself at the click of the front door, your heart rate spiking at the sound of Sukuna’s voice calling out for you. 

It was okay. There would be a reasonable explanation for everything. You didn’t need to act strange with the man you loved and you certainly didn’t need to be fearful of him. 

You knew that.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you put on a gentle smile of greeting, your worries easing ever so slightly beneath his crimson gaze. He stared at you with such love and reverence, his expression holding a softness which pushed your anxieties straight to the back of your head. 

“Rough day, baby?” He asked, crossing the gap between you. A hand came up to stroke your face before pulling you close, pressing his lips against yours in a passionate kiss. The contact had your gut tightening with pleasure, and you wondered how you could ever doubt someone you adored so much. 

There was an explanation. There had to be an explanation.

A mix of nausea and exhaustion washed over you at the thought of confronting him about it that evening. Between your talk with Yuki and the knowledge that a child was growing within you, you were limited on mental bandwidth, and couldn’t face another shock that evening. 

You wanted to get your thoughts in order first about everything - the kid, Yuki’s claim, Kashimo’s belongings - wanted to pretend that everything was okay for the evening before you did anything rash. 

All your questions would still be there in the morning, and maybe answers would be more obvious in the light of day. You couldn’t deny that you were exhausted, not thinking straight in the way that usually would. You just needed time to think. Perhaps the next day you’d awaken and realise your findings had been nothing more than a nightmare. You’d had no shortage of those after all.

“Just tired,” you lied as you pulled back from his kiss. The words came out shaky, and Sukuna’s eyes narrowed. He knew you well enough to sniff out a lie with little effort. 

“Did something happen?” He asked, his voice dropping low. “You look like you’ve been crying.” You weren’t really aware that you had been. A few tears had dripped down your cheeks at the sight of the positive pregnancy test, still unsure what to think of the outcome, but that was hours ago. You supposed the day had worn on your face more than you’d realised. 

“No, just struggling with the usual stuff,” you confessed. 

“Right.” His thumb brushed your face tenderly, red eyes darting around the room. “You cleaned up.” It was embarrassing to admit how deeply you read into that observation, scanning for any hint of concern in his voice, but you found none. On the contrary, he seemed pleased with you. 

“I just thought it would be nice.” 

“Thank you, baby.” He planted a kiss on top of your head, giving you a tight squeeze. You were reminded just how strong he was, suddenly aware of how impossible it would be to overpower him if he ever decided to use that strength against you. A shiver passed through you at the thought. 

It didn’t matter. Because there was an explanation for everything. He’d never hurt you. Never.

“What do you want for dinner? We can order from that pizza place you like? Watch an episode of The Sopranos?” He pulled back to look at you, the charming smile you loved so much plastered on his handsome face.

You wanted to say yes, but the thought of sitting with him quietly while all your thoughts were swirling around in your head was far from ideal. You needed to go to sleep, fearful that prolonged time at his side would give away what you knew and put you in a position of having to deal with things before you were ready. 

Besides, the idea of watching Tony Soprano kill so ruthlessly on screen while you grappled with the question of whether your boyfriend had done the same didn’t sound like your idea of a good time. 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’ve got a really bad headache and I don’t want to make it any worse.” Sukuna’s face fell, and your own chest ached at the disappointment in his eyes. He’d been waiting all day to come home and spend time with you - he’d confessed that was what kept him going at work. 

Just like he’d been your shining light through all the trauma, you were his shining light too - the one thing that really mattered to him. And here you were pushing him away over something you were certain could be explained. 

That wasn’t fair. 

But for some reason, you couldn’t bring yourself to ask him about it either to clear the confusion up, hairs standing on the back of your neck when you considered broaching the topic. 

It was just a result of your exhaustion. That was all. 

“Okay, baby. Have you taken anything for the pain?.” His hand brushed soothingly against your forehead, and guilt knotted itself together in your stomach. How could you believe this man guilty of any wrongdoing when he was always so tender to you? 

Did it even matter if he was guilty? He was all you really had, the singular thing keeping you sane after everything that had happened. It was likely your overactive imagination jumping to conclusions anyway, that was the issue here, not Sukuna. Not the man who loved you so much he’d do absolutely anything for your sake. 

“I haven’t.” 

“I’ll get you some painkillers, you go and lie down.” Another dizzy spell overcame you as you made your way to the bedroom, leaning heavily against the doorframe as all the thoughts of the day rushed at you. You didn’t want to be at odds with Sukuna over anything. You wanted to curl up against his side and drift off knowing you were safe. 

Because you were safe with him. He’d saved you from Mahito. And now your brain was trying to convince you that something was wrong? You were always sabotaging yourself - how could you be sure that Kashimo’s belongings had even been under those floorboards? You hadn’t exactly been able to trust your mind lately. 

What if you’d hallucinated up an issue? What then? 

The pregnancy had come as a massive shock to you, perhaps your brain was trying to come up with excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. 

Somewhere within you, there was an awareness that line of thinking was delusional. Likewise, there was an awareness that there was no mistake in the meaning behind Sukuna owning things that had belonged to Kashimo. You knew, somewhere in the distant recesses of your mind, that Kashimo was dead. 

That Sukuna had done it. 

And with that flickered a question about what else he had done, a thought promptly swept away by the currents of your mind before you could cling to it. Because acceptance didn’t come easy, not when you loved the person responsible. 

You couldn’t let yourself believe it, forcing a smile and accepting your own poor mental state as an explanation for what you’d seen. 

Sukuna stepped into the bedroom, painkillers in hand along with a glass of water which he handed over to you. There was something odd in his expression, like he had a question to ask you. Slowly he sat down on the bed, reaching out for your hand and holding it tightly within his. 

“Have you got something to tell me?” 

For all the delusion you’d fed yourself, your blood still ran cold. Had you put the tile back incorrectly? Did he know what you knew? Sweat gathered on your brow, tongue frozen in your mouth when you tried to speak, unsure how to best formulate a question or an explanation. 

He wouldn’t hurt you, would he? No, you doubted it. He was too possessive of you. 

Before you could put any words together, he spoke once more. “I saw the test in the trash.” 

Oh. You’d been so frazzled upon knocking the tile aside that you hadn’t finished your full clean of the bathroom, and had forgotten to empty the wastebin, leaving your positive test there for anyone to see. You hadn’t formulated a plan on how you were going to share the news with him, but you hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

Before you could stop them, tears sprung to your eyes, all the emotion of the day overwhelming you. There was too much going on for you to process it. With the Kashimo discovery and Yuki’s harsh words you’d had no time to think about your opinion on the pregnancy, and now you were being directly confronted on it. 

Why couldn’t you just catch a break for once?

Sukuna’s eyes widened in panic, and he was quick to wrap his arms around you, pulling you against his chest. “Hey, don’t cry. It's okay baby, come here.” 

It wasn’t okay, nothing was okay.

But you leant into his embrace all the same, wetting his hoodie with your tears in a display which had become all too common between the two of you. He didn’t push you for anything more, expecting no explanation, simply stroking your hair affectionately. You could feel his heart thudding excitedly beneath his ribs and once again a strange guilt prickled at you.

“Do you…” He trailed off. “Do you not want this? The baby?” 

A pang of hurt went straight through your heart at the dejected nature of his tone. It was clear that he was thrilled, that seeing the test lying in the trash had been something positive for him. 

And there you were moping and doubting. 

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I feel like I’m just being overwhelmed lately. I don’t have time to even consider what I really think about the baby.” You pulled back from him slightly, letting him dab your tears with his fingers.

“What else is on your mind? Maybe I can help?” 

“Nothing.” The statement came out too quickly, and in a higher pitch than you would’ve liked. Sukuna seemed suspicious of the response for a moment, before letting it go with a sigh. You’d been fairly odd lately anyway, and considering what he’d just discovered, who could blame you for being a bit off? “I’m just- I don’t know, depressed from everything.” 

He nodded, biting on his lower lip. “Well, it's not like you have to make a decision now, you can’t be far along. If you don’t want it we’ll deal with that.” There was a sadness in his voice that told you that wasn’t what he wanted to do, and pity began to gnaw away at your stomach. “To be clear, I’d like you to keep it, but it's your choice baby. I know how hard these months have been. I’ll love you no matter what.” 

A soft kiss was pressed into your hair, sending a flush across your cheeks. Of course he’d love you no matter what, he’d made that clear on more than one occasion. Could you love him no matter what? If your suspicions about Kashimo bore fruit? If Yuki’s claim was true? 

How would you implode if you walked away from him? What would you have then, in a life where you’d steadily been falling apart at the seams with nothing but him to hold you together? 

The anxiety built up within you again, and despite wanting to lay the matter to rest for a while, you simply couldn’t. You had to ask him. 

“Sukuna.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you kill for me?” 

“Yeah.” He said it without hesitation. There was no dramatic flair to his response, nothing to suggest that what he said was false bravado like most boyfriends might display to their partners. It was a simple confirmation, one that you knew to be true as his red eyes met yours. “You know I would. You’ve seen it.” 

He was right. Even if your hand had been on the trigger that evening with Mahito, it had been Sukuna who was in control - his hand caressing your carefully, guiding you into an action you never would’ve managed on your own. 

It wasn’t a first kill. You should’ve been more aware of that the moment it happened. Sukuna had been painfully calm. 

“Right,” your voice went quiet.

Sukuna’s fingers came to graze your chin, holding you to meet his gaze properly. There was no hate or anger in those red eyes - you never encountered anything but love there, a love that made your stomach flip with desire whenever you saw it, a love that you weren't sure could be displaced by anything even if you wanted it to be. 

“Why do you ask, baby?” His nose brushed against yours, and again you found yourself tongue-tied beneath the intensity of your presence. You knew you should've come out and said what you saw, but fear stopped you. Because the moment those words spilt from your mouth, everything was going to change, you knew that.

And you weren’t sure it was a change you wanted. 

“I- um- I don’t know. Just wondering.” You squeaked, cursing yourself as you backed down.

There was something amused in his expression, watching you carefully, not unlike a cat observing a mouse caught beneath its paws. “I’d kill anyone who caused you harm, anyone who tried to steal away your happiness. I killed Mahito to protect you, and I’d do it again. You’re the only person who matters to me. Is that a problem?”

It was a problem, but his words tugged on your heartstrings all the same. There was something romantic about a man who would do anything for you. If you hadn't been with a man like Sukuna, who knows where you’d be. Perhaps your brains would’ve been splattered across the floor at Mahito’s feet. 

“I don’t know,” you said. “I don’t know if it's a problem. It depends.” 

“On?” 

“How far you would go.” Sukuna’s eyes glimmered with interest. He brought his lips to your neck, kissing away at the exposed skin, almost as if he was testing whether you’d push him away. You didn’t, you weren’t sure that you could, your heart fluttering desperately beneath his touch, telling you to forget the conversation and move on. 

You were having such a good time, why open a can of worms when things had been fine? 

“I would go as far as necessary to keep you safe. That’s all,” he murmured against your skin. “Now, is there something specific you want to ask? Or is this nothing more than a thought experiment?” 

Again you tried to build your courage, but found you had none to give. In your frazzled condition you weren’t certain you were capable of providing objectivity on anything. You needed to regroup - to think carefully about what Sukuna had said and re-examine the evidence you’d found. You needed to look at Kashimo's phone. You needed to consider whether Sukuna’s presence at your side trumped morality. 

After all, you were a killer too. What if Sukuna had his reasons for the situation with Kashimo, like you’d had your reasons with Mahito? There was always an angle to consider, and in the midst of a panic on the day you’d found out you were pregnant, was neither the time nor the place. 

“It was just a thought,” you spoke softly, leaning into the fluttering kisses spreading down against your shoulder, his fingers pushing your shirt down to give him better access to his soft skin, sucking marks on top of the purple bruises that already existed there. 

He hummed, but you weren’t confident he believed you, a shock of something strange in his deep red eyes. “Of course, baby.” His hands slid beneath your shirt, sliding up the bare skin of your sides, earning a shiver from you. His touch was still as pleasant as ever, still something you yearned desperately for. 

And despite him being the cause of much of your anxiety that evening, he also seemed like the only solution - the one person who could allay all your worries with his mere presence, touching you with an affection that you could receive from nobody but him. The very reason that you would jump to no conclusions or decisions. 

You loved him. 

You needed him. 

It was as simple as that. 

“Want me to leave you alone for a bit?” He whispered huskily against your ear. “You said you wanted to sleep.”

It probably would’ve been best for you to agree - to nod along and leave him to have his dinner alone while you drifted off beneath his soft sheets. But you couldn’t bring yourself to send him away any more than you could bring yourself to condemn him for evidence that lay plain before your eyes. 

“I want you here, if that’s okay?” 

The look on his face could only be described as pure euphoria, like you’d just handed him an award you weren’t aware you were giving out. He was always thrilled to be with you, but this was something else, like a balance of power had just shifted and you weren’t sharp enough to understand how. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you, baby.” 

That night, you spent hours tangled in his sheets just as usual. His fingers intertwined with yours, keeping you pinned beneath him, his lips set to work on every inch of your tired body while he filled you up over and over again with long, intimate strokes. This was Sukuna at his very sweetest, making love to you in a manner that proved his devotion. 

There was no roughness about it, nothing kinky like you’d grown accustomed to with him. 

This was deeply loving, and it was all about you. There was something in his movements that was sending you a message, as if he was thanking you or perhaps opening up to you on a whole different level of trust that you’d never held with each other before. 

“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, won’t you baby? I’ll never let anyone else have you.” He’d mumbled in your ear, just one of many possessive statements breathed out between desperate moans of pleasure. And you’d agreed, lost in the throes of passion, consumed by him just like you always were. 

Because you really were his. 

You didn’t want anything to change that. 

It would be nice to be able to slip back into the ignorance you’d held that morning, before you’d spoken to Yuki or cleaned the damn apartment. It really was bliss, to not have concern and anxiety eating away at your chest, leading you to question everything you held sacred in your life. 

If only you could banish it all away. 

Because in your soul, deep in there, you knew now that Sukuna was rotten. 

On some level you’d known it for a while. Yuki and your parents had made no mistake in their assessments, and you’d brushed it aside all the same. You were drawn inexplicably to the man even through all his failings. If you’d had any sense you would’ve run far from him the moment he’d broken in through your window. But you didn’t, and there you were, tangled up so intimately with a man who had likely murdered your ex-boyfriend. 

Tangled with him and whispering words of love and affection against his shoulder, tangled with him and letting his hands run over your stomach where your baby grew, tangled with him and letting him do whatever he liked with you - just as you always had. 

Because even as the rot he carried with him festered, visible to your eyes in a way it never had been before, you still weren’t sure you could bear to part with him. 

a/n: sukuna actually crazy for the impact he's had on reader's mental over several years (since ryu) to the point where she's even hesitating after finding that stuff in his bathroom :(

stay with the murderous boyfriend and pretend everything's fine vs confront him and lose everything you love (and possibly your life) our girl is going THROUGH it :(

hope you enjoyed and thank you for the support! comments and reblogs are appreciated as always! <3

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