/* I feel like there is an all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to love/relationships that some schizoids have but I rarely see it being discussed, even though I have seen other schizoids acknowledge it.
What I mean is that personally I keep most people under “Nothing”: I only have pseudo-relationships with them, where even if we interact and arguably "get along" they are not actually connected to me but instead are in a relationship with a character/persona I play. Even if from their perspective the relationship is close/intimate in reality they may not actually know me at all, and my level of [ genuine ] emotional disclosure towards them is absent or insignificant.
Any sort of attempt at getting closer to "me" as opposed to that character and to get me to accept love/intimacy almost always backfires, and I dismiss affection directed towards me especially if it is unsolicited.
And while that is usually out of a disinterest in the other person, it is often superficial. While I may present [ and often feel ] as if I do not “want” love at all, I feel like underneath it all, the reason I cannot accept love from another person is because I know they are not actually going to love me enough.
The best analogy I can think of [ and one that might be a cliché for some schizoids now ] is like being at a buffet with a black hole for a stomach. It is not simply a "distrust" or "anxiety" that the food may be spoiled or poison. The food can very well be appealing and fulfilling, but no matter how much I eat, the hunger never goes away. Instead just being there makes me resentful because being surrounded by food just reminds me the hole in my stomach exists to begin with. Leaving may make me hungry but as with real food, your body shuts down the sensation of hunger if you leave it long enough.
In interpersonal relationships, it feels the same: I end up dismissing or resenting people who show love for me, and it is not actually because I hate them or because I do not believe they "truly" love me. Rather, it is that I feel my own needs are insatiable and people showing affection for me feels like being baited into false hopes. Like I’m starving for a full course meal and the best those who love me can do is give a well-intentioned but ultimately lacking piece of bread.
Their love could very well be real, and I could know it is real, but the hunger does not go away. I know that if I I reveal my secret neediness it will only drive them away [ and that opens me up to other problems like the feeling of humiliation ].
I feel as if any relationship I have is not going to be worth the investment unless it is an “All” relationship: a daydream one where there is no conflict and they can fulfill all my desires. A relationship for the purpose of having someone to hang out with or have small talk or share a hobby with and all do not fulfill that all-consuming need, which means I just do not make friends in general. I may have superficial relationships but they are centred around that character and not me.
The idea of a relationship that is not extremely intimate/invested but still genuine just does not register to me: in my mind love is all about consumption, both of me by them and them by me, and that in itself is another problem of its own.
Many schizoids already recognise the unsustainability of such an arrangement. But due to the fear of engulfment and the misplaced logic that negotiation is impossible, tolerating the "imperfect" nature of a real relationship can be paralysing.
The schizoid instead satisfies themselves with their fantasy relationships, where they control all the stakes and nothing can go wrong. Instead of sabotaging existing relationships, we just never truly enter them to begin with. */
