InsecureThoughts

My heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was beating through my chest. I knew it was him but didn’t recognize the car he drove up in. It was an old Volkswagen beatle. It was as yellow as the sun. I knew it was a beatle because i had recognized it from the movie Herbie. I was scared and I didn’t even know why. My grandma could see the fear in my eyes so she told me to hide upstairs. Like any good grand daughter would i listened and made my way upstairs into my grandmas bedroom. It was so quiet in the house i could hear every sound. The door opened and i heard him speak. I couldn’t fully understand what he was saying exactly but i knew he was looking for me and my brothers. I was terrified but for some odd reason i had an urge to get closer so i can make out what they were saying. I slowly tip toed to the top of the stairs where he couldn’t see mebut I could see him in plain sight. “Can i wait here til they come back” he said in a hopeful tone. “No, I’m sorry. I have to leave soon so you cant stay here.” My grandma said firmly. “Okay well will you tell them i stopped by and let them know i will come back tomorrow same time” i can tell he was desperate to talk to us. His voice sounded soft and uneasy. When he usually spoke it was firm and with a purpose. But today was different. The door slammed shut and i heard my grandma lock the door and shut the blinds in the front window so nobody can see through. I ran back into her room and sat on her bed. I felt stupid that i was afraid to talk to him. I don’t know why i was scared but to this day it was one of the biggest regrets of my life. That was the last time i ever saw my father alive. I was too scared to talk to him. I was only 7 years old.he died a few days later. He came to see my two brothers and i because he knew something bad was going to happen and, all he wanted to do was see his only three children. And i was too scared to talk to him. Now in my adult life, i replay that day over and over. Wishing it was different. I wished that when I saw him walking up to our front door that I would run as fast as i could and give him a long big hug. I constantly think that if i actually talked to him that day that he would still be alive. I would still have a father and my life would be so different. After that everything changed.

Now, you’re just a memory. A person that exits only in my head. If only I made another choice.

I followed Redd closely behind him as he made his way into the doctors office. I could tell I was about to hear bad news but for some reason I felt calm. Redd signed me in and the receptionist handed him a clipboard full of papers to fill out. He scanned the room and made his way over to an empty love seat next to the water cooler. As he began to fill out the series of questions I attempted to look up and see my surroundings but The flourecent lighting made my eyes throb in pain. It hurt so bad that I had to put my sunglasses back on. Any light wether it was natural sunlight or lighting from a room hurt me. The only thing that made the pain stop was to shut my eyes closed and refrain from any eye movement. Redd asked if I was okay and I nodded without saying a word. I couldn’t see him but I knew he was worried. I wanted to burst into tears but I knew if I did that the pain would worsen. I can feel any sense of calmness that I had in the beginning quickly leave my body and I felt the panic start to sink in. I knew what was ahead of me but I wondered how I was gonna take the news once I heard it out loud. Would I become an emotional drama queen or would I find solace in this terrible situation I’m in. In that exact moment I decided that whatever the outcome was that I’d choose to be have a positive attitude. Because that was the only way I knew how to face it. Any negative energy I put into it would probably break me. The nurse called my name and Redd guided me into the back room where I was going to hear the bad news. I sat down on the patient bed and I started to think back at all that research I did. All the trials I searched for and never found. There was no cure only progression. That’s what killed me the most. What I have had no cure it only progressed. I looked around the room and saw images and models of the human eye. All the layers it consists of. How we as humans can see the entire world with two eyeballs. But mine were deteriorating. I was never gonna be able to hold a normal job again. I was never going to able to even drive my car again. My life was changing and I literally couldn’t even see it coming. All I can see was fog and halo rings of light. I couldn’t see details in my husbands face. I couldn’t see the clipboard full of paperwork that I had to fill out. I took my vision for granted. Without it I was useless. I was slowly going blind and I didn’t need A doctor to tell me that. I just needed a doctor to confirm it so I can move on with my life. Whatever kind of life I had left anyway. The doctor came in and he said it. Out loud and it was officially confirmed. I have kerataconus which has no cure and it only progresses.