DEAD DELIVERY.

feel free to change details and pronouns as you see fit. some nsfw and triggering material.

there’s always money in the ____.

[clicks tongue].

i am having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich.

you wanna take a bite? take a bite.

no touching.

i’m exercising. i’m sleeping well.

i’m doing the time of my life!

what’s up, pumpkin?

i told you that in confidence.

i got something we can try, all right? it’s a little risky.

get up. get up. get up. get up. get up. get up. get up.

i’m up, okay.

we are just about ass to ankles back here.

wow! i’m mr. manager!

i don’t know what i expected.

the only thing i found in the freezer was a dead dove in a bag.

you didn’t eat that, did you?

what is your return policy, by the way?

you spent $68 on hair conditioner?

a small price to pay for self-esteem, ___.

are you still jealous that you lost best hair to me in high school and got dorkiest?

it’s important not to tie your self-esteem into how you look or what people think of you.

you know how much rejection i face every day?

well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me!

you stay on top of her, buddy. do not be afraid to ride her. hard.

i can’t tell you how many health codes you’re violating right now.

i can’t believe i volunteered for this.

this is my stupidest rebellion ever.

hey, do you wanna go play skee-ball?

then why don’t you marry an ice cream sandwich?

remember how crazy our hair was back then?

you don’t have a job, you’ve got a job offer. anybody can get a job offer.

yeah. you sit with that. you think about that for a while.

did you enjoy your meal, ___? you drank it fast enough.

say what you want about him. at least he’s happy for me.

they’re grown-ups. they’re allowed to have fun whenever they want.

i should be in charge.

please, do you even wanna be in charge?

he’s about to do something really irresponsible.

you think it’s irresponsible? i’ll be right there.

i’m gonna get blamed for this.

i screwed it all up. i’ve got no right to call myself ___.

burn it down.

let’s burn down this son of a bitch.

this is gonna be our best summer ever, buddy.

you look very handsome today.

are you crazy? there was money in that!

well, it’s all gone now, and it was my decision.

so the next time you wanna have a little power struggle just remember that you’re playing with fire.

feel free to change details and pronouns as you see fit. some nsfw and triggering material.

look what they’ve done, ___.

we’re here! we’re queer!

we want to get married on the ocean!

it just makes me want to set myself on fire.

oh my god! i have the exact same blouse.

a trick is something a whore does for money… or candy.

what comes before anything? what have we always said is the most important thing?

breakfast.

you want the loops or the flakes today?

i wonder how i can talk you out of ever making that face again.

i’m hoping the universe provides a path for me.

i haven’t packed for that.

you can’t do that on the balcony, buddy?

i bought a frozen banana and when i bit into it, i found this.

looks like a foot.

it tasted like a foot.

we should teach them a lesson.

but isn’t it against the law?

i told you. we should’ve taught them a lesson.

it’s a party, not a shareholders’ meeting.

are those police boats?

i knew it was against the law.

give me a cell phone.

why are you crying? why are you crying?

out, out, out!

i don’t have time for your magic tricks.

what is wrong with you? why are you so angry?

i’ll make you disappear.

what an adventure, gang.

i’ve been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me, and i think it has.

i want to be an actor.

that’s it. i’m done.

i’m sick and tired of the greed and the selfishness and the taking.

what exactly is this intervention for?

fuck off, traitor.

i’m tempted to kiss again to teach them a lesson.

why would that teach them a lesson?

go fish. uno.

i got a job. something you apply for, and then they pay you to… never mind.

so, no hard feelings. adios. sayonara.

i quit.

probably a good career move.

yeah, i don’t think that’s true, ___.

i got the worst fucking attorneys. 

i guess he really misses his family.

let me ask you a question. where the hell have you been? why didn’t you call me?

look at my life, ___.

what are you doing? are you trying to cry?

i’m sad. life is hard right now.

this is why i didn’t call you. you’re so judgmental.

no i’m not judgmental.

and you’re disappointed in me.

i’m not disappointed in you.

so i’m disappointed in you.

what is not disappointing about my life?

seriously, you’re gonna pull a muscle.