BADA BOOM !

thank you very much.

i don’t look older.

i just look worse i think.

whoa! that tall child looks terrible!

like, uhh, i always thought that, uh, quicksand was gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

i never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life.

euch! this oughta be good!

but here’s the thing. i hadn’t.

i was in love with ____.

why do people do that?

this is the height of luxury!

how’d you get lost in new york?

i know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world.

hey, look at that high-waisted man!

he got feminine hips!

no!!! that’s the thing i’m sensitive about!!!!

no one knows what you’re talking about, you idiot.

now when people make fun of me, i deserve it.

i don’t like that i’m in that lane, either, and i sure would like to get out of it!

it’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes.

first off, no.

that is outrageous!

those are two real things i heard on law and order: svu at 3 in the afternoon.

______ is a detective with the special victims unit, he handles new york’s most sensitive cases.

you’re gonna have to get used to that.

hmm….gross.

mop it up!

percentage-wise, it’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.

no, i didn’t do anything.

a hero is any man that does his job.

you’re either a tot, or you’re dead and you’re an angel.

beat it, bozo!

yeah, let’s be bad!

c'mon, let’s do it, all right!

everyone get outta my way!

i just wanna sit here and feed my birds.

oh honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect?

_______ and _______ .

aww, i love how you just wear anything.

nooo! in fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder!

and you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years!

why are you doing this to me?

because we’re ______ : life is a fucking nightmare!

i’ll just keep all my emotions right here and then one day, i’ll die.

what the fuck am i supposed to do with that?!?

would that be good for you?

would you like that?

i used to drink too much and then i would black out and i would “ruin parties”.

or so i’m told.

i don’t know!

so i would hear stories about myself.

okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.

scatter!

did i do that?

hey, come here.

i want to show you something.

why? why would you do this?

cause it’s the one thing you can’t replace.

i’m new in town.

excuse me, i’m new in town, and it gets worse.

alright now what am i gonna do today, what am i gonna do tonight?

imma push him.

i know someone that’s new in town.

i decided i was gonna try and get a xanax prescription.

and i’m like, yeah, that’s the kinda lowbrow shit i’m looking for.

all right! i am too blessed to be stressed!

let’s do it!

it was a lie…to get drugs.

you know? like a crime!

this might as well happen.

so i yelled: I’M SORRYY!!

feel free to change details and pronouns as you see fit. some nsfw and triggering material.

think you’re hallucinating?

i need your help, ___.

beyond the usual boilerplate, people owe anybody they’re fucking steady.

you fucker, if i’d known you were still this bitter...

i’m just trying to be professional is all.

don’t worry. thinking comes later.

hey, call me or something.

you never did let me down, ___.

no. you were always true.

like godzilla says to mothra, man, ‘let’s go eat someplace.’

are you broken up?

i can’t say it enough -- change your hair, change your life.

so where would i find him accidentally?

call your mother once in a while so she knows you’re alive.

morning, ___. what’s on your head?

howdy, ___. still married to what’s-his-name?

paranoia alert.

we found we shared many of the same opinions about the u.s. government.

how long you been doin' this?

does he eat pussy?

oh sure. he eats pussy.

not much eating pussy in there, huh?

congratulations, hippie scum.

whatever it is, i didn’t do it.

keep doing that, ___, you're givin' me a hard-on...

what’s the beef here exactly?

there's plenty of crime on the high seas.

you're gonna kick him? that's assault!

___, can we at least try and be professional about all this from now on.

___ and i should have met cute but actually we met squalid.

we both let go about the same time, barf and shit all over the place, me with my face in his lap and to complicate things, he had this hard-on...

AAAHHHAHAH!

you're staring at my teeth?

i don't think ___ is really dead.

do you like the lighting?

i forgot, i, uh, i have to use the bathroom?

huh huh huhuhuhuhu.

my tits aren't really that big, but it's the thought that counts.

true. you were a fucking mess when i met you.

i've never seen you this emotional, ___.

besides, maybe you did do it, has that crossed your mind yet? maybe you just forgot?

maybe you just conveniently forgot about it the way you do so often forget things and this peculiar reaction of yours is a typically twisted way of confessing the act?

i'm only a light smoker.

how many joints a day do you smoke?

i don’t keep track.

maybe you can’t keep track.

would you say you're still in love with her?

ordinarily, we're the one's asking the questions.

there's no need to be insulting.

it's dark and lonely work, but someone has to do it.

and a girl don't necessarily want to get into difficulties with those folks.

i'm not a snitch. 

i’m like, so sorry, ___.

i’m supposed to be dead.

you're emotionally involved? with a boat?

FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYBODY AND THE FIRST FUCKIN’ FAMILY! FUCK THE DOG!

fuck you. and fuck your banana.

as one who's been down this particular exit ramp -- you can only cruise the boulevards of regret so far, and then you've got to get back up onto the freeway again.

i wish so many things could be different... nothing was supposed to happen this way, ___, i'm sorry...

are you the great beast?

but i can see in the dark.

pancakes aren't quite as good as my mother’s -- what i really go for here is the respect.

don't get sentimental on me, man, it fucks up your edge.

and this wouldn't be just more of your paranoid hippie bullshit, would it?

have i told you lately how strong i think your morals are, ___?

i have an addictive personality.

have you any idea of the therapist bills around here for which you are directly responsible?

this doesn't mean we're back together.

god, you're a nosy fuck, aren't you?

i can hear you getting a hard-on. 

grow up.

did i get you?

fuck you, ___. you're a fucking lunatic.

get in the car. get in the car.

you saved your life. now you get to live it.

listen... i'm sorry about last night.

you okay, brother?

i’m not your brother.

no... but you could sure use a keeper.

did you see it?

of course we saw it.

well, thanks. i can always use a nice, unprejudiced opinion on the way i’m conducting my life.

well, this is one thing you can’t run, and you fucking hate it, don’t you?

all right. what do you want?

it would have been funny if it hadn’t been so grimly awful.

i’ll be damned. 

i’ve never seen that before. 

oh, the shitters have got it all figured out.

come on down, honey.

her heart denied it.

all taken care of, my good man.

she loved him, and she had been right to love him.

i’ll get you! i’ll get you if it’s the last thing i ever do! if it’s the last motherfucking thing i ever do!

go to bed, you’re breaking my heart.

hurts, doesn’t it? i know.

she looks shattered.

i understand how you feel.

how’s it hanging?

i was sleeping. i guess i thought i still was.

live forever.

fucking crybaby.

you ain’t mad, are you?

will you be back early?

you really don’t look good at all.

i don’t have anything to hide.

no! no! no!

here you go, you shitter! see how you like it!

it’s just a funny little glitch.

don’t worry.

he was meat. they scraped him up with a shovel.

i love you.

he’s very sweet.

SHE SEES ME SHE IS ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE.

what a bunch of fucking clowns.

you think that’s funny?

what the fuck?

it could have been funny if it hadn’t been so sad, and if it hadn’t gotten scary as quick as it did.

it was bad from the start.

and it got worse in a hurry.

it was something behind the gleam.

it was as if a cold november wind could think.

it’s not a piece of shit at all.

it was love, or something like it.

i’m sorry you had to be in on that last night, man.

because as soon as you have a kid, you know for sure that you’re going to die.

when you have a kid, you see your own gravestone.

i’ve seen something even uglier than i am.

i know what i am. i’m ugly. 

i…alienate people somehow.

no, you can’t dig it.

fuck you.

there’s something underneath. something better. 

let’s go for a ride big guy…let’s cruise.

i think it’s just one of the things you pick up from your father.

come on, doll, what do you say?

i tell you i felt sick inside my heart.

it hurt me too bad to look at that.

how the time flies when you’re having fun.

i’ll get them! you see if i don’t!

let’s go to the movies.

you’re mean, ____. really.

that night i kept the scream in my throat.

there was no love in that voice, at least none that i could hear.

my advice to you is to forget the car. sell her.

it is always hungry.

it eats friendship.

just thinking. thinking ill of the dead.

i imagine it was a filthy, frightening way to die.

it was hateful.

feel free to change pronouns as you see fit !

wish me luck out there.

you will die on august 7th, 2037.

thank you. that was very nice. thank you.

so... i don’t judge those crowds, by the way, okay?

i know how big letters should be.

to begin with, a big-ass H.

no, really. and i don’t like confrontation, cause i’ve never been in a fight before.

some people give off a vibe of...right away, they’re like, ‘do not fuck with me.’

i’m so open and vulnerable.

i married my wife.

i love saying ‘my wife.’

that’s like, ‘ooh, who’s that fella?’

i would always think to myself, ‘how could another person kill someone?’

and then i got cheated on, and i was like, ‘oh, okay.’

it’s just creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly.

anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.

why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

that’s not even a situation.

that’s actually stand-up comedian dan levy.

and i know that’s awful, but wouldn’t you give a million bucks to see that wedding video?

peace be with you.

hey that’s good. let’s keep that for 2,000 years and change it to trick ___.

her body is young, her face is as old as time.

these are things people say to me.

i was like, ‘2029? that’s not a real year.’

have you ever watched hgtv?

cause you’re never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy.

i thank you for laughing, because no one did that day!

i think emily dickinson’s a lesbian.

who’s to say?

a disgraced nuclear physicist? all right, proceed.

well, this is the best movie idea i have ever heard in my life.

hey...doesn’t anyone wanna know why...his dick was near my biters...in the first place?

like, when my dad and i would talk, it was like that scene in the movie heat, when robert de niro and al pacino sit down in that diner.

don’t whoo if you’re white.

no one look at me or i’ll kill myself.

hello? hush!

i think about that every goddamn day.

eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.

hey, can i walk ya home?

and it was him...___. the comeback kid.

cause he never forgets a bitch, ever.

feel free to change details and pronouns as you see fit. some nsfw and triggering material.

son of a bitch!

oh, look what you did!

you plopped it!

i'll plop you!

be careful! don't touch that. never touch that.

that stupid cornballing piece of shit!

it's fine. it's good. that's okay. have fun.

did you go shopping?

get a job.

it looks like i'm going to be staying here for a while.

well, let's face it. you are overbearing.

___, if i could stick my pretty little nose in here for one second...

___, where are you off to on this glorious sunday afternoon?

does anyone have an ice pack?

and then we actually get to kiss, right?

louder.

zip me up.

it'll fly out on its own!

why are you calling me? what do you need?

i don't need anything.

it's a bird!

i'm on the phone.

it walked on my pillow!

why can't you get a job?

this is not going to be a day at the beach.

what are you doing here, and why are you in a bathrobe?

she's always got to wedge herself in the middle of us, so she can control everything.

yeah. ___'s awesome.

what, with you kicking me out of your house there are few places left i can stay.

well, you can't stay here either.

let me ask you something. is this a business decision, or is it personal?

i'll go away. but i won't be happy.

it's personal.

i am so sorry.

well, actually, i think i'm gonna quit.

i know why you're doing this.

that just makes me wanna puke all over your head, sir.

___, you cool with this?

___, you can't do that in the snack room, pal?

stop! stop it! it's all wrong.

but we were just about to kiss.

wait a minute. is it about a girl?

just drop it, ___.

methinks a cupid i shall play.

mm. mmm. mmmmmmmm.

you think you never hurt me?

what are you talking about? when have i ever rebelled?

i never see you anymore, ___.

you're in prison.

i was here yesterday.

i'm sorry. i couldn't break away from the poker game. 

listen. let him go.

maybe it was the 11 months he spent in the womb.

maybe it was my fault.

i make my living with my hands.

you know, i'm in pretty good shape.

you could be eating my dust all day, slowpoke.

well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

i don't know what the hell her problem is.

it was utterly macabre.

she always makes everything about her.

she's the last person i ever want to need something from.

well, she likes to be needed, just as long as it doesn't cost her anything.

woah. look who's got something to say.

i'm ___, and i wanna shoot down everything you say so i feel good about myself.

cause i'm an uptight bitch!

you old horny slut!

well, no one's gonna top that.

also, i think your dad thinks i'm gay.

he thinks everyone's gay.

do you wanna get a soda?

it's gonna be a huge disaster. i'll get you tickets.

i'm a little shaky, but here to work.

but we're here to work.

here's a candy bar. oh. no. i'm withholding it.

look at me getting off.

how dare you turn ___  against me.

___ is a grown man. he can make his own decisions.

i was trying to fit in.

you were flying today, buddy.

yes, i was flying but a little too close to the sun.

get in the backseat.

i sit in the front seat now.

you have to fight for your family.

you smell like my mom.

you're home.

i'm sorry about what i said. it was out of line.

i shouldn't have poked my nose into your life.

but ___, you're, like, the most important part of my life.

that's a little cornball.

i don't mind.

mother of god! oh! every damn time!

this is a big one.

feel free to change details and pronouns as you see fit. some nsfw and triggering material.

there's always money in the ____.

[clicks tongue].

i am having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich.

you wanna take a bite? take a bite.

no touching.

i'm exercising. i'm sleeping well.

i'm doing the time of my life!

what's up, pumpkin?

i told you that in confidence.

i got something we can try, all right? it's a little risky.

get up. get up. get up. get up. get up. get up. get up.

i'm up, okay.

we are just about ass to ankles back here.

wow! i'm mr. manager!

i don't know what i expected.

the only thing i found in the freezer was a dead dove in a bag.

you didn't eat that, did you?

what is your return policy, by the way?

you spent $68 on hair conditioner?

a small price to pay for self-esteem, ___.

are you still jealous that you lost best hair to me in high school and got dorkiest?

it's important not to tie your self-esteem into how you look or what people think of you.

you know how much rejection i face every day?

well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me!

you stay on top of her, buddy. do not be afraid to ride her. hard.

i can't tell you how many health codes you're violating right now.

i can't believe i volunteered for this.

this is my stupidest rebellion ever.

hey, do you wanna go play skee-ball?

then why don't you marry an ice cream sandwich?

remember how crazy our hair was back then?

you don't have a job, you've got a job offer. anybody can get a job offer.

yeah. you sit with that. you think about that for a while.

did you enjoy your meal, ___? you drank it fast enough.

say what you want about him. at least he's happy for me.

they're grown-ups. they're allowed to have fun whenever they want.

i should be in charge.

please, do you even wanna be in charge?

he's about to do something really irresponsible.

you think it's irresponsible? i'll be right there.

i'm gonna get blamed for this.

i screwed it all up. i've got no right to call myself ___.

burn it down.

let's burn down this son of a bitch.

this is gonna be our best summer ever, buddy.

you look very handsome today.

are you crazy? there was money in that!

well, it's all gone now, and it was my decision.

so the next time you wanna have a little power struggle just remember that you're playing with fire.

feel free to change details and pronouns as you see fit. some nsfw and triggering material.

look what they've done, ___.

we're here! we're queer!

we want to get married on the ocean!

it just makes me want to set myself on fire.

oh my god! i have the exact same blouse.

a trick is something a whore does for money... or candy.

what comes before anything? what have we always said is the most important thing?

breakfast.

you want the loops or the flakes today?

i wonder how i can talk you out of ever making that face again.

i'm hoping the universe provides a path for me.

i haven't packed for that.

you can't do that on the balcony, buddy?

i bought a frozen banana and when i bit into it, i found this.

looks like a foot.

it tasted like a foot.

we should teach them a lesson.

but isn't it against the law?

i told you. we should've taught them a lesson.

it's a party, not a shareholders' meeting.

are those police boats?

i knew it was against the law.

give me a cell phone.

why are you crying? why are you crying?

out, out, out!

i don't have time for your magic tricks.

what is wrong with you? why are you so angry?

i'll make you disappear.

what an adventure, gang.

i've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me, and i think it has.

i want to be an actor.

that's it. i'm done.

i'm sick and tired of the greed and the selfishness and the taking.

what exactly is this intervention for?

fuck off, traitor.

i'm tempted to kiss again to teach them a lesson.

why would that teach them a lesson?

go fish. uno.

i got a job. something you apply for, and then they pay you to... never mind.

so, no hard feelings. adios. sayonara.

i quit.

probably a good career move.

yeah, i don't think that's true, ___.

i got the worst fucking attorneys. 

i guess he really misses his family.

let me ask you a question. where the hell have you been? why didn't you call me?

look at my life, ___.

what are you doing? are you trying to cry?

i'm sad. life is hard right now.

this is why i didn't call you. you're so judgmental.

no i'm not judgmental.

and you're disappointed in me.

i'm not disappointed in you.

so i'm disappointed in you.

what is not disappointing about my life?

seriously, you're gonna pull a muscle.

feel free to change details and pronouns as you see fit. some nsfw and triggering material.

running away isn't going to help anything.

please don’t hurt me.

just let me go, okay? i won't tell anybody.

i'm going to keep you alive.

you got some fight in you. i can respect that. but don't even think about trying that again.

you're lucky to be here at all.

my generosity only extends so far. 

i saved your life, ___.

thank you so much for saving my life, i...

i guess i should -- i should go to a hospital now.

you need to eat, you need to sleep, and you need to start showing me a bit of appreciation. 

sorry about that. i didn’t mean to scare you.

how long have you been down here?

getting out of here is the last thing you want to do.

keep your hands to yourself!

no touching.

i need privacy.

i learned how to do a french braid, so if you ever want me to do that for you, lemme know.

___ is like a black belt in conspiracy theories.

i’m not explaining it right.

i see you two are getting along.

it's delicious. it's the best sauce i ever tasted.

tattoos. i always wanted one.

yolo. i don't even know what that means but i hear people saying it all the time.

everything i wanted to do, i did.

oh my goodness. is that monopoly?

that's how we kill the time.

your humor is not funny.

now please shut up and let us eat in peace.

you trying to insult me?

i know what a traitor looks like, understand?

do not let her in!

i know it's hard.

i have something to confess to you.

it was an accident. but it was my fault. i was afraid to tell you. i'm sorry.

i'm going to need some stitches.

i’ll walk you through it.

have a drink.

people are strange creatures.

what’s this? is that blood?

he took her and he killed her.

everything okay up there?

you asked earlier about regrets. i've got some of those.

look, we're here. we're alive. and that means something.

feel like some music.

problem solving always puts me in a musical mood.

nex time, try to be more specific.

i'm always watching. always.

i go wherever i want.

i know what you're doing. i see what you're doing. i know what you're up to.

you think i'm an idiot?

i wanted your gun.

i want her to respect me, the way she respects you.

i accept your apology.

he was going to hurt us.

he was going to hurt you.

this is the way it was always supposed to be.

you're safe now. now it's just you and me.

this is not part of anything you need to see.

i thought we'd change things up tonight. have dessert before dinner.

would you like a cone or a bowl?

i know this is not the life you prefer.

i want us to be a happy family. you and me.

you don’t know what’s out there.

you can’t run from them.