pishtaco of angst

have you felt the primal call of the unmerciful sea calling you to strike down those who would defy you? no? well if you stopped using overpriced flower-scented body wash and switched to SEA HAG, you might. 

look down.

back up. where are you? you’re a siren, bare-breasted and shrieking as you lure the unwary to their doom on the rocks below. and you smell amazing. 

what’s in your hand? back at me. it’s a vial of skin-nourishing ingredients, derived from the seaweed you used to strangle a hated foe. it does wonders for your skin tone and resilience, and we all can agree that we will need that resilience in the coming war.

look again: the seaweed is now a formal apology from the last man who unnecessarily tried to explain something to you.

Henry Cavill reading thirst tweets.

BONUS

Do you get called “daddy” a lot?

one crack cocaine

@bisimonbaz

1.[the video is shakey as it zooms in on the top of Wayne Tower. Riddler comes into focus first, then Robin. Riddler is holding Robin by the ankle off the roof]

Batman: PUT HIM DOWN ED OR I SWEAR TO GOD—

Red Robin and Red Hood: DO A FLIP

2.[a video of Nightwing taken by Batgirl. They’re in a red light district, and you can faintly hear the cha-cha slide coming from the building they’re next to. Nightwing is dancing along perfectly]

3.[a picture of Robin, holding a baby robin. The caption reads “he’s trying to figure out how to sneak it into the bat cave”]

3.5.[a second picture posted shortly after. It is blurry, but you can vaguely make out the shapes of Robin and Batman. The caption reads “he found out”]

4.[a video of Red Hood and Blackbat signing frantically in ASL. The camera flips to Red Robin]

Red Robin: they’re arguing about which pizza rolls are the best

Batman, from off Camera: where the hell do they even get pizza rolls? Agent A sure as hell doesn’t let them in the house—

5.Nightwing: I dare you to jump off the roof without your grapple

[Red Hood starts sprinting to the edge of the roof. They are on one of the tallest buildings in Gotham. The camera shakes as Nightwing runs after Red Hood]

Nightwing: No wait I diDNT FUCKING MEAN IT HOOD—

5.5[a super bad candid of Batman and Red Hood and Nightwing. The camera is tilted as if someone is trying to hide it. The caption reads “this has been going on for 20 min”]

Batman: —ell would you think that’s a good idea—

Red Hood: —if you should be yelling at anyone it should be nightwing—

Nightwing: —don’t drag me into this!

[snickers are heard off camera]

Batman: Im dragging both of you into this! Why on earth would you dare your brother to jump off the roof when you know damn well he’ll do it?!

Red Hood: yeah—

Batman: oh don’t you even start Hood—

6.[a picture of Red Robin and Superboy mid fall. It is unclear where they fell from. The caption reads “they were watching buzzfeed unsolved and got scared by a pigeon”]

7.[the camera opens and quickly zooms in on Batman. He looks annoyed. There is a low chanting of “money in the jar” coming from off camera]

Batman: ‘crap’ is not a fucking swear word—

8.[a picture of Robin curled up against Black Bat. She looks surprisingly fond. The caption reads “he fell asleep durning the stake out”]

9:[a shakey Video of Red Hood. He’s fighting off at least six people while singing in a rather nice sounding baritone range. The caption reads “once a theater kid always a theater kid”]

Red Hood: IVE GOT NO STRINGS—

[red hood fires a gun]

Red Hood: —TO HOLD ME DOWN

10:[a video of Red Robin and Signal. They’re sitting on a roof, sharing several tacos.]

Signal: why do you call yourself Red Robin? Robins are technically Red already, aren’t they? They’ve got that little red patch on their chest

Red Robin: it’s for the aesthetic

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do–