Thoughts

Perhaps it is best to remain single for now until I figure out what I want and settle down. I dont really want to talk to anyone while im recovering form heartbreak still- although it could be beneficial. things move fast and I dont want someone after sex or settling down right away. 

:(

And yet I dont know how to feel. I am excited of course, but im not sure if im excited to see and hold you or to yell and scream at you for telling me you want to break it off before you leave and then adding onto that to mail me that you think im not improving and then not send me anything else for the next month. I know you have access to a phone, but yet I have not heard from you. You can't stand your parents, yet they are the ones invited to your graduation. I am at a loss of whether I deserve this or not. When you treated me well, everything was great. I think you lost respect for me for some reason and I deserve respect. I can't be in a relationship with someone that does not communicate with me. Who tells me how I feel. Yet I hope we can work it out and you go back to respecting me as I respect you. But I dont know what it will be like, I dont know whether or not you will miss me at all when you're gone. I dont know if you crave my touch as I crave yours or think about making love to you like you might for me. I miss our intimacy. And yes I fucked up. When you dont even know whether to talk to the person it doesn't feel like a relationship at all. When you tell a neutral person about our experience and you dont know the answer about being on a break or not has absolutely fucked me in the head. I made mistakes, I need to be told I am important to you. These actions are me acting out for not getting what I need. I dont know where to go from here and I wish I did. Taking it one day at a time is difficult. Will I even be able to see you after this. 4 years is too long. I dont know what to think.

I fucked up. I put my trust in someone I shouldn’t have, which I thought I could. At the end of the day you can really trust yourself. You have to trust your gut instinct about people and yourself. I am a good person. I ended up in a relationship with a best friend that doesn’t care about my true happiness/best self. My true friends know I don’t like to drink and would never put me in a position that I was their puppet. I fucked up but he might not ever realize he did something wrong by dragging me to the next club when I was way too intoxicated to do that on my own. Drinking too much isn’t fun it’s honestly a bad sign of integrity if you’re abusing drugs that much. This was the nail in the coffin to ever do this again. I am done being a puppet to anyone. I know he’s gonna tell people. It’s years down the drain where I thought a supporter was really my biggest downfall. Take this and learn from it

It is for me and you

I always tried to run away from this issue. I was not sure how much it affected me until I did landmark. I thought at one point that just because I talk about how I am sad doesn't mean that I’m actually DEPRESSED. I found it comforting and liked to use the depression card in my brain when I felt down- it gave me validity to know that it’s ok to not want to do anything. My mind is a fucking maze. Do I accept this diagnosis? Am I OK with it? Am I ACTUALLY OK with not doing anything when I actually want to FUCKING create something in life? Is the diagnosis just making SOMETHING mean SOMETHING ELSE when in reality I just am feeling an unpleasant transient emotion?!? what the fuck? All these questions hit my brain each second. I am at a loss. And the depression makes it harder to swallow. I want to ask others if they struggle with this, but then there is the DIAGNOSIS of social anxiety working its way in. Am I doing it right? Am I going to be powerful like others if I have to combat the constant fear of everyones opinions to the point I freeze in fear. Or is that what every other fucking person does? Because mine drags me to tears. Then I remember ITS OK to feel these emotions. ???? Even THOUGH IT IS THESE VERY EMOTIONS HOLDING ME BACK.  What if the diagnoses aren't real? I want to fight them. I wish I didn't have these FUCKING FEELINGS. I don’t want to have to convince myself to be OK with things,  I just want to be ok. It’s like when I process things it needs to go through a multilevel system to process. I perceive what is going on through judgement, my anxiety/depression reacts, then my landmark brain jumps in and its a power struggle from there. 

It’s when you wake up and check the time and you immediately are filled with dread and remorse thinking about how much you COULD have communicated if you were up today. Today was Christmas and you were sick and couldn't go and on top of that you woke up at 8 pm and felt like shit from that. My mom stayed up with me for a little but its not always the case. It’s when you have to put life on hold for a month because of the importance of sleep to you and how you cant wake up on 5 hours of sleep and feel fine. When I wake up at 7pm I want to go back to bed. I don’t want this schedule to ruin my life. This puts me on the sidelines of my own life. I dont make plans because I want to sleep. I don’t reach out because I know it is pointless if I feel this way. Just overwhelmed and sad. So fucking sad. Like there is no point to even wake up on nightshift because either way you’ll be isolated. This is not working for me and this is the first time after landmark since ive been on nights and I did not realize just how unhappy I was and realized I could do something about it. its too much. Yesterday you woke up cried took a bath and then pretended you were somewhere else for the rest of the evening until you felt the slightest bit tired got excited then slept some more. This is not living unreasonably. I wanted so bad to be with my cousins and family to see them on Christmas and to communicate with power for the first time ever since landmark as well. I will change and put an end to nightshift scaries. First I will start with my therapist then my PCP then my boss to see if I can put an end to it. 

And I didn't like who she was, I made it mean that she was incapable of breaking a cycle, she was trapped. She was not powerful with the choices she made. She didn't care about what happened next because she felt powerless in her position. That is not who I am. I am powerful. I am able to communicate things. I do not fall victim to what happens around me. Because I am able to communicate for myself.

I’ve never felt passionate about anything I’ve done, it just made sense to do it. It makes SENSE to work full time, get your own apartment, and have health insurance. I feel as if im going to give myself an aneurysm over thinking about the path I chose. To me it means there’s something better out there for me. Just remember its meaningless. 

Being a person of integrity and a person of my word.