gitbigger

Definitely not. You can even see as you read further into the archives of this site how things have changed over the years. It’s only been the last 2-3 years that I’ve noticed a real change in the thickness of my facial and some parts of my body hair.

I’ve always wanted to be hairy, though. One of my most embarrassing memories is on a family vacation my sister teased me relentlessly for the “beard” I was trying to grow. It was just a bunch of typically teenage wispy hairs, but I wanted a beard so badly I was super proud of it.

Luckily I knew that based on my father’s genetics I had a pretty good chance, so I just needed to be patient. I wasn’t super keen on, say, the back hair and such, but I’ve grown to sort of like how it looks now.

Afraid not.

The short answer is that my mind has been preoccupied with other life concerns, so my body goals have taken a back seat. I haven’t been actively pursuing any sort of goal; I’ve just been on autopilot - going to the gym, eating as normal, nothing special. I haven’t even stepped on a scale in months, so I don’t know where things stand. I feel good though, if I’m honest. I neither like nor dislike how I look, I just haven’t really thought about it much at all.

As such, because this blog is purely about body-related topics, I haven’t really had much to write about here. When I finally can commit some mental energy to it, I’ll be back.

If you’re curious about a longer answer, check below the break.

I love answering stuff, and I try to respond to everything I can (when life doesn’t get in the way, like recently). I tend to only publish the ones I find most interesting or thought-provoking to the blog though.

You’re all welcome to send any questions to my inbox (or a direct message) and I’ll do my best to at least answer you directly (provided you don’t submit anonymously).

In general, the goal is both. Fat alone is unsustainable, and my terrible genes won't let me get very big on just muscle.

That being said though, I've been on a break from bulking since March, but I was really enjoying the growth I was experiencing so much that I got a bit obsessive about keeping that going. So I was really pigging out for a while there and ended up gaining nearly 30 pounds of almost entirely fat (to just a hair under 300lbs), which shifted my ratio of muscle to fat in a way I wasn't too keen on.

I love indulging and pigging out (as you can tell from the recent videos), but too much fat really starts to bog me down, and I've learned that I feel more confident when I look more all-over thick and not just chubby. That's kind of why there's been few pictures.

Oh my yes. Tumblr (like all social media) can both help and hurt your insecurity, depending on what state of mind you approach it with.

One of my favorite quotes is “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” Social media does an excellent job of allowing you to only show your best to the world, while keeping the dirtier realities to yourself.

It makes it seem like the guy who travels the world and has a well-paying job and multiple boyfriends or whatever has it all figured out. That he knows the keys to happiness, and that you should model your behavior after him. His amazing life experiences make your life look depressing and sad.

In reality, though, you have no idea what he’s dealing with. He could be just as depressed and sad as you are. His way of life could be nowhere close to one that brings true happiness.

We all have a tendency to look at the people above us and feel worse about ourselves, even the guys you’d think have no one else to look up to. I suspect this wasn’t as big of a problem before the internet, because now you can use Tumblr to create a feed of the most attractive men and be inundated with photos at all hours of the day that could drive a man to think that everyone in the world is a giant burly masculine beast that makes you look insignificant.

It does honestly help to be able to put myself out there among that flood of photos and get some kudos. The internet is a brutally honest place, and to have someone take the time to write a positive comment about my appearance does a great deal to validate my efforts and keep me going. It’s not how you should tackle the larger issue of body dysmorphia or whatever else you’re dealing with, but it can help pick you up on a bad day.

Of course, that kind of thing can get very addictive. There’s a risk of becoming dependent on that feedback, instead of dealing with your insecurities in a healthy way. It can breed some nasty unflattering online personalities or inflated egos, but the insecurities are still there.

Oh boy, this is one of those million-dollar questions, so I am not going to have a solid answer for this, but I can definitely share my experience.

Will I ever be 100% happy with my physical appearance? No, I don't think that's possible for anyone. No matter who you are or how far you've come, I can pretty much guarantee you will have something you wish was different.

Now does that mean I'll never be happy with my body? Of course not. Right now, I'm very happy with the way I look. I want more of course, so I'm not satisfied, but I am happy--more than I've been in a long time.

My first gaining foray was a tremendous learning experience. I made a lot of mistakes, but I can say that one of the biggest mistakes was not appreciating what I had. I was so focused on my lofty goals and how far I felt from them, that that whatever size I was felt like nothing to be proud of, even at over 300 pounds.

Only now when I look at old photos do I really appreciate how big I was. Even though I wasn't the 450-pound beast I dreamed of then (and still do), I can say I really liked how I looked. In the moment though, I thought nothing of it, and I am still upset at myself for that.

The several years in between that first gain and now really cemented in my mind that I did a terrible job appreciating what I had, and just how important that is for long-term success.

The way I see it now, satisfaction sounds nice, but it's not the goal. I know too many people who save feeling happy with themselves for when they hit a certain weight or a certain size, and that's foolish. For many of us, the point that you consider the finish line will end up feeling unsatisfying too, because there will always be more to want. It's a moving target you'll never reach, and saving your happiness for that point just means you'll never be happy.

Now, depending on your situation, the idea that you'll never be finished might sound horrible. If you don't like the process of dieting or exercising or gaining or whatever it is you're doing, then the prospect of it never ending sounds miserable. If that is the case for you, that is something to do some serious thinking on.

For me though, my body goals are akin to my art goals. Drawing is like any other skill, in that it is about improvement. If you focus on the people who are better than you, you'll find it more discouraging than motivating. Because even when you finally reach the level of the person you envied for years, you’ll quickly discover that they felt the same way about someone else. There is no point at which you will feel like there’s no more improvement to be done.

I know my art isn’t the best, but what keeps me going is appreciating how far I've come. To be able to look back at my drawings from a year ago and see the difference in skill and quality--that is what's satisfying. That is what provides motivation to continue.

Originally planned to continue this bulk until the end of the month, but surprise flu-like symptoms put me out of commissions for a few days. Since it'll take me a while to get back into the groove, I figured this probably a good time to call it for now.

It's bittersweet, but I honestly cannot consider the past four months anything but an absolute success. Normally I get so physically and emotionally exhausted by month 2 or 3 that I stop making progress. I get sick of eating, sick of the gym, and just generally unmotivated.

This time, progress was incredibly steady from start to finish. I had such great support from around the ‘net, and was just generally feeling very good about myself, my motivation levels were through the roof. I could probably keep going for months, but it's time for a break. With over 70 pounds gained, my body (especially my feet) needs some time to adjust and get used to being heavy again.

The next 2-3 months will be a bit quiet. I will do my best to maintain my weight, though I expect to lose 10-20 pounds because that's just how things go. When late May/early June rolls around, I will start back up, with an eye on 300 and beyond. Looking forward to it!

Eh, I’m still wary about putting too much of a spotlight on my silicone, for a number of weird reasons.

For one, I’m paranoid about glamorizing this stuff. I would be happy if my experiences became the catalyst for some guys to eventually do it themselves, but what I don’t want is to make it seem like this was something I did out of the blue. It took me years of research and planning and contemplation to get to the point where I felt ready to take the plunge, and I cannot stress enough how important I think that is. The last thing I want is for someone to do it impulsively.

For that reason, I am glad that there is a dearth of information out there about silicone. Hopefully it forces people to slow down and really consider if this is what they want to do. It’s a big, big decision.

Also, it’s odd but it feels wrong to be as proud of it as my weight gain. Weight lifting and gaining takes so much effort for me that these 10-pound milestones feel like a really big accomplishment. When I add silicone, it is an amazing experience but it isn’t the same sort of accomplishment—all I did was pay for it.

I dunno, I’m very new to being part of this world instead of an outsider looking in. Still figuring it all out.

Anyway, on a less serious note, here’s a brief update. I had 200cc added this past weekend, putting me at 1000cc total (300 in my shaft, 700 in my sack). I was still quite full from my last filling, so that’s all I could manage. I’m going to be waiting 2-3 months before the next go so it can be another big one.

As far as the Diesel jock, it’s straining but it’s still doing it’s job. Other pieces of clothing are not so lucky.