hey angels, just a little ~~update~~ from your gal cora i’m so sorry i’ve been so inactive for months but i found that as soon as i had to start really studying, i didn’t manage my time well enough to spend any time on studyblr, and that honestly the whole community felt a little overwhelming for me. i became very unwell during my study leave before my AS level exams in may and june, and nothing went very well. i feel like in this space you’re allowed to struggle, and allowed to take time out, as long as that produces the perfect grades we all seem to be working towards eventually. it’s ok to fail, as long as you can work at it and sort your shit out before exam day. well, i didn’t. i had perfect grades all year, but that doesn’t mean anything, because ultimately, i crumbled. i was disconnected from my work throughout all of study leave, learning everything, practicing every possible essay, but not in a way that made me able to access the information in my first exam. so i failed it, bolting out, collapsing into a toilet cubicle at college. i worked all of that night for my exam the next day, and on that following morning, i tried to kill myself. i sat my exam in the afternoon, sweating and shaking - and it was okay, but nothing like what it should have been. the papers that followed were all pretty awful too - not because they were difficult, but because i couldn’t shift the mindset of doom, couldn’t focus on anything other than what I was hallucinating and the information right at the surface of my head. i did badly in all of them, i’m mostly certain, and had to make that horrible admission of defeat after each one. I Have Failed And I Will Not Be Able To Do What I Wanted Anymore. my month of exams is a blur now, really, because I was so detached from myself during it. i don’t really know what happened. I overworked, maybe, exhausted myself, definitely, and was suffering from a whole host of mental health problems I hadn’t faced in a very long time. whatever it was, i failed some very important exams. i hope it’s obvious what that’s such a difficult thing to say, especially in this space. i’m doing better now. term is over, I’m free. I’m reading things I’ve wanted to for months and writing sometimes and making nice art. I’ve made the decision to apply to university next year rather than this year, which means the grades from these exams matter much less than they otherwise would - as long as I do brilliantly next year, which to be fair is a lot of pressure. I’m still chasing cambridge, somehow, though having come across a perfect course at lse I’m really pleased to know it’s not my only good option. i’m really in love with my girlfriend and i’m going on holiday to my favourite place tomorrow and will mow through some summer reading while I’m there. I’m riding horses again. I’m breathing. I’ve failed, really badly, at least by my own standards. but somehow still alive. have wonderful summers loves. if i feel well enough, I’ll see you in september for a2 year. (always active on my personal k1ndred)
