Studying, Coffee, & Chicago

You sucked in a breath. "So you're sending me away?"

It was barely noticeable, but your heart rate began to increase, the beeping of the monitor becoming just slightly faster.

"No, we are not sending you away, I promise you." You looked up at her, your heart rate slowing.

"But what's gonna hap-happen to me then?" you asked, trying to hold back your tears.

"You're gonna come home with us," she answered. "We'll make some changes to keep you safe, but you're coming home. I can promise you that." You looked up at her, unconvinced. Hailey, like the detective she is, clocked it right away. "Would I ever lie to you?"

"No," you answered quietly.

"Exactly. So, you're coming home with us." She looked around at Jay and Will, still dead asleep. "Now, do you want to go to sleep or watch a movie? Those two are so dead to the world that I don't think a little noise will wake them up."

***

The clean air felt like a garden blooming in your chest when you breathed it in after being stuck in a sterile hospital for 72 hours. Sure, you were still in the city, but fresh air was fresh air.

You had decided that afternoon that you wanted to ride home with Hailey, so with a brother on either side of you, they walked you out and to the car. But after you got in the backseat, Will slid into the passenger seat.

You furrowed your eyebrows, but then it quickly dawned on you.

"You needed back up?" you hissed at Hailey. She didn't even so much as flinch at your tone, but you did catch Will's slight grimace out of the corner of your eye.

"Just a precaution," she answered.

"I thought you were on my side."

"Y/N," Will warned.

"What?"

"We're trying to help you here."

"I know. You and Jay need to try less. You obviously didn't care then, so you don't get to care now."

"Y/N, you don't mean—"

"Hailey," Will began, "just leave it alone. Let's just get home."

***

When you got home, after three hours of being on your phone in the car with hardly any words to either Will or Hailey except to order a snack at a fast food place, you didn't know what to expect. And, as Hailey's car pulled into the parking garage, your nerves started to jack up.

Will noticed the way your fingers kept twitching as you tapped a beat to something in your head because, well, if it was to what was playing on the radio, your rhythm was astronomically off.

"You okay back there?" Will asked quietly. You nodded, but Will didn't like the way your eyes darted to him and then out both windows. "If you're trying to run, Jay's right behind us, and you wouldn't get very far."

"It's not that," you answered quietly, the first time your words to Will had no bite in the past however many hours.

"So, you're not trying to run, but you're looking out the windows like a felon Jay and Hailey would pick up. Seems pretty fishy to me. What about you, Hailey?"

Hailey glared at him, as if asking why he brought her into this. "I hate to admit it, Y/N, but Will's right."

You looked at Will's face. Stern...but caring. Like when he needed people coming into the ED to tell him what drugs they took so he could help them.

"There's just..." you trailed off and then started again, this time saying it faster. "There's not gonna be people waiting to take me away in there, right? Like on Dr. Phil?"

"If we thought we needed Dr. Phil, we would've sent you to a residential facility right from the hospital."

Hailey whacked Will's arm and sighed. "What he means is that there is no one inside coming to take you away, and you are staying with us. No Dr. Phil. Plus, you're an adult, so they wouldn't be able to just take you; you'd have to consent to it."

You let out a deep breath. "Okay. Good."

Once parked, you grabbed Will's backpack out of the trunk to carry in for the simple fact that you would be able to grip the straps until your knuckles were white as you walked inside. If Will noticed how tight your grip was on the walk upstairs, he didn't comment on it.

Jay had gotten inside the apartment a few minutes before you, mainly because he only had himself and his stuff to bring inside.

All you could think about as you walked inside was taking a hot shower and finally getting clean after 72 hours in the hospital. You took off your shoes and put Will's backpack by the door.

"Y/N, we need to talk about some--" Will started, but you cut him off as you started walking to the bathroom.

"We can talk after I shower," you shouted behind you.

Your two brothers shared a look. "Should we—" Jay began, but Will cut him off.

"She'll figure it out soon enough."

As if right on cue, about thirty seconds later, you stormed out of the bathroom.

"Where the fuck is all my shampoo and stuff? And why is there no lock on the bathroom door anymore?" you yelled.

"If you had given us one second to explain before you stormed off to take a shower—"

"We can't trust you with it," Jay said, as if it were obvious, cutting his older brother off.

Hailey, trying to mitigate the situation, walked off quickly to her and Jay's bathroom to retrieve your bin of products.

"What do you mean you can't trust me with it? You seriously don't think I'd try and swallow a bottle of fucking shampoo, do you?"

"Y/N, it's not that—"

"Well, you did try to kill yourself."

"Jay!" Will yelled again just as Hailey walked back into the room.

"We have all your stuff right here. We're just gonna give it to you in smaller amounts for safety," Hailey calmly explained. "We just want to help you and keep you safe."

"She gave a way better explanation than you did, Jay." You glared at him. "And for the record, it was alcohol and pills, not fucking cleaning chemicals."

"Same thing," Jay answered.

"No, it's not the same thing, and you know it!"

"No, I don't know it. And, until we know otherwise, this is what we're doing."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Jay? I'm alive who cares—"

"Your heart fucking stopped, Y/N!"

Your eyebrows furrowed. You dropped the pair of clothes you planned to change into. "What? No, it didn't."

"Yes, it did. It's in the chart that you didn't want to see."

You looked around the room at Jay, Will, and Hailey. Will and Hailey's eyes were filled with sadness, Jay's with anger and something else that you couldn't quite put your finger on. But you stayed fixated on the anger.

"I don't believe you!" you yelled and ran to your room.

Will glared at Jay. "You weren't supposed to tell her. The notes said--"

"I know what they said. She needed to know," Jay responded icily. Then, he left the room, and a few seconds later, Will and Hailey heard a door slam.

Will sighed. "I'll go talk to Y/N."

Hailey nodded. She knew what he was thinking: the last time you were upset and at home and went to your room, you brought alcohol and a bunch of pills in your car, which is why you were in this predicament in the first place. She knew, because Will had called Kelly when you were in the hospital and he had cleaned the house of anything you could use to harm yourself and locked the medicine and alcohol cabinets, that there was nothing in your room that would cause you serious harm, but she also knew that there is no stopping someone from trying.

"I would talk to Jay, but I don't think it's even worth a shot. I don't know where his head is anymore."

Will shook his head sadly. "None of us do." Then, with a look that Hailey could only discern as either sadness or frustration, he made his way to your room.

He knocked, said it was him, and then entered. After everything that happened, you didn't expect anything less. You understood that no one was going to leave you alone for long periods of time anymore.

But that didn't stop you from telling Will to get out.

He stood with his hands in front of him, a small sign of surrender.

"You know as well as I do that I can't do that."

Steady. Measured. Calm.

You looked up at him from where you sat with your knees pulled to your chest in the middle of your bed. "You sound like a doctor."

"Maybe that's because I am one." You looked at him, simply cocked an eyebrow. You didn't know what you should say or what he wanted to hear, so you just shut up. "Can I sit?" Will gestured to the edge of your bed, where an extra blanket was messily folded.

You shrugged. "I guess."

"Jay wasn't wrong. Your heart did stop."

You looked closely at Will's face. His eyes were sad, his mouth set in a straight line, and his eyebrows slightly creased. Either he learned how to lie as well as Jay did when he was undercover, or he was telling the truth.

And if he was telling the truth, he had better have the facts to back it up.

"When?"

"In the ambo. En route to the hospital. Pulse was already very slow when the paramedics got there. You coded, and they had to do CPR."

"For how long?" you asked. "How long did they have to do CPR on me?"

"Three minutes."

You nodded, slowly taking everything in. "Didn't think it was super long. My ribs aren't broken."

You sat in silence for about thirty seconds, neither of you knowing what to say. But Will knew there was one more thing you needed to know, that you deserved to know: that if the paramedics had shown up two minutes later, you most likely wouldn't be here right now.

"Y/N, look at me," he said gently.

Your heart was in your throat, your lip starting to tremble, and tears threatening to spill over.

You shook your head.

"Please?"

You shook your head again and then frantically wiped your eyes with the heels of your hands.

"I - I can't," you finally said.

"You can't look at me?" You nodded. "Why can't you look at me?"

"Because you're gonna give me that look!"

"What look, Y/N?"

"The one you always do when you're disappointed and mad at me. I just can't take it anymore, Will! I can't!" And that was all it took for you to erupt into sobs and curl even further into yourself. "I can't, and I'm sorry. I can't."

The lump in Will's throat grew as he watched sobs rack your body. Curled in a fetal position, gripping your pillow, and he didn't have words to say. So he just...sat there...counted to 60 three times. Then, he gently placed a hand on your shoulder.

"I'm here," he whispered. "And I know you're not gonna like this, but I—"

"You can't leave me a- alone right now! I- I know!" you shouted between sobs, snot staining your pillowcase.

"You're right, but I don't want to leave you alone right now either. You're gonna make yourself sick."

"And why do you- do you care?"

"Because I'm your brother. Caring for you is kinda part of the job description."

"I- I can't...talk.. to Jay."

Breathing faster.

"Why?" Will asked. "Why can't you talk to Jay?"

"He's gonna...gonna... be-be mad."

Huff, huff, huff.

"Dis- a- app- appointed. Will!"

Ragged pants. Pins and needles in your feet.

"Is she okay?"

"What's going on?"

But you hardly heard Jay and Hailey over the shuddering of your breathing.

"It's just a panic attack," Will answered.

"Well, stop it!" Jay yelled. "Help her!"

"It's not like I can snap my fingers and fix it, Jay!"

"Will...chest...h- hurts."

"Jay, get out. You're gonna stress her out more. Hailey, grab some water for when she's calmed down."

There it was — doctor mode. Efficient. Smart. Controlled. Everything you weren't.

He knelt in front of you, grabbed one of your fingers that was limply trying to grip onto your pillow.

"Y/N, listen to me. You're having a panic attack. The worst that can happen is you pass out, and then your breathing will go back to normal."

"I— know— what— it—"

Will quickly cut you off. "You know what it is, good. Well, not good that you'vee have them before, but good that you know what it is, so the newness doesn't freak you out."

"Not— h—"

"I know, not helping."

"Her phone," Hailey volunteered. "It has a breathing app on it, and it vibrates on every inhale, exhale, and hold. That way, she has a cue."

"Y/N, does this help?" Will asked. You nodded and, with shaky hands, reached out toward where you threw your phone on your bed when you got into your room. Will got to it first and passed it to you.

Once you managed to put in the passcode, you then pulled up the app and hit the breathing option.

After multiple cycles and Will and Hailey both breathing along with you to model the action, you were finally calm enough where you felt that your heart and lungs were't going to burst out of your chest.

"You thirsty?" Hailey asked gently. You nodded, and she passed you the glass of water. Slowly, you took a few sips. "What do you need?"

You shrugged after polishing off the entire glass. "I dunno. I need a lot."

"What do you need right now?" Will clarified. "Still want that shower?"

You nodded once again. "A shower would be good. Maybe...maybe some food after, too?"

"We can do that. What sounds good?"

"Something warm. Comforting."

"I think we can figure something out," Hailey said. "Now, for your shower, here's the deal--"

"Please don't tell me you're gonna be in the bathroom with me, Hailey."

"I won't be in the bathroom--"

"Good."

"--But, you will have to leave the door open, and I will be right outside the door."

"What, do I have a time limit, too?"

"Y/N--"

"No," she answered. "You do not have a time limit. We can make one if you want us, too, though."

You quickly shook your head. "So, do I just tell you what products I want? Like, is there a limit or something? Because I want to take an everything shower."

Hailey shot a look to Will, and he put his hands up in a sign of surrender. "This one's up to you. I have no idea what an everything shower is."

"Okay, how about this: I'll give you a small soap, body wash, exfoliant, shampoo, conditioner, all in small containers, and then when you're done, you give those back to me, and I'll give you lotion and body oil and everything else after?"

"Okay. And, I can shave?"

"I need to be in the bathroom when you do that. Safety."

You took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. I'll call you in when I'm done with my shower and have pj shorts and a shirt on."

"Okay, sounds like a plan. I'm gonna go get some products ready." Then she went up and walked to your door, but just when she was about to leave, she turned back to you. "And, Y/N, thank you for not fighting us on this."

***

"Christ, Jay," Will hissed.

"You're acting like I'm the bad guy here."

"And you think you aren't?"

"Hey, I'm just telling her what the notes say."

"No, what you're being is an ass."

"And she's being stubborn!"

"Jay, I need to listen to me right now. Not just hear me, but listen to me." Jay crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow, a silent cue to let his older brother continue. "Our little sister just attempted suicide--"

"I know that."

"Uh, let me finish." Jay rolled his eyes. "Our little sister just attempted suicide. No signs, no nothing. She buried it for who knows how long. It's gonna take a bit for her to open up."

Will watched as Jay's Adam's apple bobbed up and down, a telltale sign he was holding back tears. "So what do we do?"

"Be there for her. Be patient. And go with her timeline."

"And we do this how?"

"Well, she said she wanted something warm and comforting to eat, so how about we flip through Mom's recipe book and see what we can find?"

***

"Smells good," you mentioned to Hailey when you exited the bathroom an hour later, after probably the longest and hottest shower of your life.

"You? Because you smell like coffee."

"Coffee body scrub and coffee-scented lotion," you told her. "And, uh, you can use it sometime if you want to. But, it smells like someone's cooking something."

Hailey didn't miss it -- the way you held out an olive branch, the first time it felt like you had done so in months. "I think Jay and Will made some stew if you're hungry."

You nodded, then placed your clothes back in your room and made your way to the kitchen.

"Um, Hailey said you made some stew," you said quietly.

"We did," Will confirmed.

You spotted your mom's recipe book sitting on the counter. "Is it..."

"Mom's?" You nodded. "Yeah."

"It, um, it smells like it."

That made Jay turn around from the pot he was finishing stirring. "You remember what it smells like?"

You stared at Jay for a second, digesting the weight of that sentence. "Oh my God. I guess I do." You furrowed your eyebrows as you felt a lump rising in your throat. You'd eaten that stew only a handful of times, mainly in the winter, since your mom died. "She'd always make it mid-week and- and I think I'd watch her make it sometimes. Is that right? Did I do that? And, why do I remember the smell? Will, is that normal? Am I going crazy? Am I--"

Will quickly grabbed your hand. "Y/N, breathe." He waited for you to take two breaths before continuing. "That's normal. Olfactory memories are some of the strongest. And, yeah, there were some times when I'd come home, and you were sitting on a barstool watching Mom cook and snagging some carrots."

"But, why am I just remembering that now? I've had it since she's died, but not a lot."

"Could be your emotions running high. Maybe it was already in the fridge and ready to eat, and you didn't smell it while it was cooking the other times. Nothing to be worried about."

"Why stew?" you asked Jay.

He shrugged. "Will said you wanted something warm and comforting. Plus, there' lots of vegetables in it, so it will get you some nutrition after the hospital food you've had for the past few days."

"If you're hungry, it should be done," Will said.

"Okay," you said, and slowly walked over and grabbed a few bowls from the cupboard. You set the other ones on the counter, one for Will, one for Jay, and one for Hailey.

"Let's see if Jay's cooking skills survived," Will joked.

"You burn mac n cheese, so I don't want to hear any gripes about my cooking," Jay shot back.

"That was one time, and it was after a 24-hour shift."

"What? Forget to put water in it or something?" Hailey laughed as she scooped out some stew.

"That is exactly what happened."

"At least I didn't set the smoke alarms off in the building. My microwave just always had the faint smell of smoke in my apartment in New York. Didn't get my security deposit back after that," Will answered as he sat down at the kitchen table.

You blew on a spoonful of stew. It was warm and comforting, just like Will said...and not burned. "It's good. You didn't lose your touch."

Jay smiled. "That's the nicest thing you've said to me since I've been home."

You scoffed and glared at him.

"Really?" Will asked.

"What? It's true."

"God, did Bolivia teach you how to be a dick?"

"And did me being gone teach you how--"

"Jay! Jay, Jay, Jay!" Will yelled, drowning out the rest of what Jay was going to say.

"I'm gonna eat in the living room! Fuck you, Jay!"

Then, you stood up and made your way to the couch, hot, angry tears beginning to run down your cheeks. Hailey followed you.

You set your stew on the coffee table and shoved it away from you, and then pulled your knees to your chest. You laid your head back on the couch and felt tears just stream down your cheeks, and then you felt the couch dip.

"Hey," Hailey said and put a gentle hand on your shoulder.

"I don't know, Hailey," you sobbed. "I don't. I really don't."

"What don't you know, Y/N?"

"Everything."

"What is everything? Can you try to be more specific?"

"What to do? Why Jay's so mad at me?"

"Well, you did just call him a dick."

"And you're saying he isn't one?" Hailey stayed silent. "That's what I thought."

"Well, for what to do, you do have a therapy appointment tomorrow."

"I thought you guys couldn't schedule stuff for me because I'm an adult."

"Hospital did it and consulted us. Since you were on a hold, they needed something on the books."

"With who? Who's the therapist?"

"A woman named Elena. At Med. Will asked around and heard she's one of their best."

"Am I gonna be stuck in the hospital again?"

"Nope. Just gonna talk to her for an hour."

"Okay."

The two of you fell into silence, but Hailey knew you were thinking. "You know, if there's anything you want to ask about therapy, you can ask me. I've done it for years."

"Was it helpful?" you asked quietly. You had only been to therapy a handful of times, a max of five sessions with each therapist after life events, such as when you were involved in that house party shooting in high school, when your dad died, and when Jay got shot two years ago.

"Yeah, it was, still is. I learned a lot about myself. I'm still learning new things about myself and new skills."

"What if I don't know where to start? I mean, there's a lot."

"You start where you want to start, and they'll help you move onto the next thing. You don't have to know everything, Y/N. That's what therapy is there for: to help you process everything and figure out next steps and what to do next."

"But, what if I really don't know what to start with tomorrow?"

"Elena will help you. There's nothing to worry about. And, if it doesn't feel like the right therapist for you, then we'll find you a new one."

"Will you bring me? Tomorrow? To therapy I mean. I'm assuming Jay and Will won't let me drive yet."

"Yeah, I can do that. Now, why don't you eat some of your stew before it gets too cold?"

***

Your fingers trailed along your ribs, feeling for any soreness, tenderness from CPR, from being revived, from having your heart restarted. You pressed. Hard. You were trying to feel what it may have felt like. You gasped for air. Then, you went back to simply feeling around your rib cage and your sternum. You tried to remember. Tried to remember completing the 911 call, getting into the ambo, getting to the hospital, being on a stretcher. But, there was nothing. You remember calling 911 and waking up in the hospital, and that was it.

You don't know how long you laid awake, trying to remember things but coming up with nothing and feeling your ribs for any signs of CPR and feeling nothing, not even a remnant. But you knew you were wide awake and wouldn't be falling asleep anytime soon. You thought about reading, but your mind was too active for that and would just wander off. You needed to do something with your hands, something tangible, but you also needed something that made your mind shut up.

Then, after racking your brain, you landed on it: cooking.

Cooking with your headphones on and music or a podcast had become somewhat cathartic for you since Jay left. It allowed you to forget everything and allowed you to focus on something else. Sometimes you'd even watch a tv show like Gilmore Girls while cooking.

So, you grabbed your phone and noise-cancelling headphones and quietly crept into the kitchen. What you didn't count on was the drawer with the silverware creaking and Jay being asleep on the couch.

"Y/N?" You jumped as he made his way into the kitchen. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." His eyes traveled to where your hand was poised above the butter knives in the silverware drawer. Knowing that he needed to tread lightly, he simply asked, "What are you doing up?"

"Can't sleep."

"So, you're having a snack?"

"I was, um, I was gonna cook. With my headphones on. It um, it helps my brain shut up."

Jay nodded. That was the most you had opened up to him since he'd been home. "What are you making?"

"Eggs en cocotte. Like custardy eggs. With tomatoes, onions, and cheese. It doesn't take long, but it needs to be in the oven for a bit."

"Do you need a sharper knife for the onion?" he asked. "I can grab you one if you need it."

"No, I should be good with a butter knife."

"Ok, but I'm still going to monitor you."

You sighed, but nodded. "I understand."

Then, you popped on your headphones and preheated the oven. You didn't argue with Jay, and he took that as a win.

***

"Do you want one?" you asked Jay thirty minutes later.

"Hmm?" he asked, looking up from the NHL highlights he had been watching on his phone. "No, I'm good," he answered a second later after he'd processed what you'd asked.

"You sure? I'm probably only gonna eat half of this."

"Okay, sure. If you're not going to finish it all, I'll eat the rest."

You pulled down two plates, put the eggs on buttered toast, and slid one over to Jay.

"It's good," Jay complimented after taking the first bite. "I was a bit nervous when you put the heavy cream in there, but it worked."

"Thanks."

"Where'd you learn how to make this?"

"Tik tok," you answered. "I find a lot of recipes on there."

"What's your favorite thing you've made so far?"

"Apple butter cinnamon rolls," you answered without hesitation. "You might not like them, though, because I put frosting on them and the frosting is really sweet."

"Well, I'd like to try them." He waited a second for you to say something and when you didn't, he decided now was as good a time as any to say this. After all, you weren't yelling at him. "You scared me." You put down your food and turned your full attention to him. "When I got that call..." he trailed off.

"When you got that call and then what?"

"I was terrified, Y/N. I was terrified that you were dead."

Dead. A lump rose in your throat.

"I didn't want to die. I just..."

"You just what?"

"I wanted it all to stop."

"What did you want to stop?"

"My thoughts. My feelings. It- I was alone, Jay. And I- I thought- I don't know what I thought. Just, I wanted to feel normal again."

"How long haven't you felt normal for?" he asked quietly.

You shrugged. "For a long time. Years." You looked away. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just- How can I tell you if I don't even know what I'm feeling?" You frantically wiped at your eyes as tears began to fall.

"And I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me. I'm sorry I left."

And there it was. The familiar feelings. You remembered him walking out the door, Will telling you he was moving to Seattle with Natalie.

This doesn't change anything. He'll leave in a few weeks once you're stable and forget all about this, and Will will be with Natalie in Seattle, and you'll be stuck here, alone.

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

You dumped the rest of your food in the trash and went back to your room, leaving Jay to wonder how in the hell he'd be able to get through to you.

***

"What brings you in today?" Elena asked as you sat on the couch across from her in her office the next day. She looked like the stereotypical therapist — cardigan, glasses, diplomas on the wall behind her. She had a notebook in her lap, and her legs were crossed at the ankles. You grabbed a pillow and held it tightly while you thought about what to say.

"Don't you already know?" you asked.

She shrugged. "I like to hear it from you and get your point of view."

"And happens if I don't tell you?"

"Nothing. But, it might be really hard to spend the next hour skirting around the topic, but you can tell me as little or as much as you want to."

"How does this go? Like, I tell you and then what?"

"We talk about how you got here and then look back and see what was happening. Then, we build some coping skills so this doesn't happen again, and work on anything else you want to work on."

"You make it sound so simple."

"It might feel hard at the beginning and even overwhelming, but we'll take it one step at a time, and you let me know if you feel overwhelmed or have any questions. This is your space, and you can use it how you want."

You hugged the pillow tighter to your chest. "You know I attempted because the hospital called you, but I didn't really want to die."

"Okay, so walk me through what happened. If you remember, what was going through your mind?"

And so you did, as much as you could at least.

"And how are you feeling now?" she asked once you were finished.

"I'm not going to kill myself if that's what you're trying to get at."

"That is not what I was trying to get at, but thank you for telling me that." She paused. "What emotion are you feeling now after the attempt compared to what you were feeling before the attempt?"

"I guess I was feeling alone before and during the attempt, and now... I don't know what I'm feeling."

She sat back in her chair. "You said you don't know what you're feeling, but try and tell me."

"I don't know. Lots of things."

"So, you're feeling lots of things. Let's try to name those things. You can feel multiple things at once."

"I can?"

"Oh, absolutely."

"Okay... I'm feeling...overwhelmed, I guess. I'm also mad. And, I think there's regret, but I don't really know about that one."

She nodded. "You said you're feeling overwhelmed. So, let's start with that one. Why are you feeling overwhelmed?"

"Because this is a lot. I'm in therapy, Jay's back, I'm constantly watched, and I can't even take a shower without the door being open."

"You mentioned a few things there. Why is therapy overwhelming?"

"Just that I have to talk about all of this. I feel like once I start talking, there's gonna be so much that comes up, and it's going to be so hard."

"What's going to be hard about it?"

You paused. "Maybe that I haven't talked about this with anyone? That I've shoved everything down and I'm scared what will happen when it comes up?"

"I see. So, I'm hearing a lot of fear, and this is becoming overwhelming. Does that sound right to you?"

"Huh. I never thought of it like that, but yeah. I guess I'm scared about all of this because what if I pushed something down and it pulls me down again when it comes up?"

"Hmm. Tell me more about that."

"There's nothing else to tell."

"Why does it scare you to think about everything you buried?"

Damn, she was good. You sat there and stared at the floor, asking yourself what was so scary about it. Then, it hit you. "Because it's going to hurt and last time it hurt so bad that I tried to kill myself."

"You're scared it's going to hurt so much that you'll try again?" You nodded as tears began to roll down your cheeks. You reached for a tissue. "And that's why you're here: to work through this so we don't get to that place again." She paused. "I'm hearing a lot of fear around your emotions. Does that sound right to you?"

"Yeah, yeah it does."

"Tell me more about that. Because it sounds like you're scared to think about stuff in your past that hurt you, and I'm wondering why?"

"Because I'm scared of attempting again."

"But, Y/N, that's the outcome. You have you thinking about stuff in your past that's painful, and then you attempt, but there's something that comes between those two things. What is that?"

"I mean, hurt and sadness. Fear. There were some things that happened that were really scary. I just don't want to think about those things."

"I see. And what would happen if you allowed yourself to feel those emotions?"

"I wouldn't like it."

"Why?"

"Because no one likes to feel sad. No one likes to feel scared."

"You're right. Most people don't like feeling those things. But that's what makes us human, all of these different emotions."

"I guess, yeah."

"What I want you to do for the next few days until I see you again is to track your mood. Simply write down what you're feeling. And feel it. Don't push it down. Try to sit with that emotion. Do you think you can try and do that?"

You told her that you could try that, and then you discussed how you didn't currently want to kill yourself and some coping skills, such as cooking, if these urges crept back up. Then, you left her office, feeling lighter than you had felt since before you attempted suicide.

"How was it?" Hailey asked.

"It was...a lot. Do I have to talk about it?"

"You don't have to. But, just know that I'm here if you want to."

But, on the ride home, it hit you: this wasn't a quick-fix therapy. This is one where you'd have to talk about everything from your past and God, that scared you more than anything.

***

"How'd it go?" Will asked when you walked in the door.

"Fine," you answered quickly. "Gonna go for a run."

"Not alone, you're not."

You glared at Jay. "Where the hell did you even come from?"

"Living room. Heard the door open."

"And let me guess -- you have to come with me?" You glanced at Hailey, hoping she'd come instead.

"Sorry, gotta run to the district and sign some paperwork to finalize my leave."

You looked at all of them and scoffed. "So all three of you are babysitting me for the foreseeable future. You've gotta be kidding me."

"You--" Jay shut his mouth when Will glared at him. "If you still want to go on that run, I'm coming with you."

"And if you don't go, we are not letting you shut yourself in your room all day."

"So choose wisely," Jay said and smiled.

You glared at him but finally responded, "I'm gonna go change. We're going my pace, so I don't want to hear you bitch about having to walk when I'm giving you a heads up now."

Then you turned on your heel and made your way to your room.

"She been like this all day?" Jay asked as he turned to Hailey.

"Moreso since she walked in the door."

"Great, so I'm the common denominator."

"Just try not to provoke her on the run. Don't ask her questions. She's got a lot on her mind already. You don't need to add to it, Jay."

"Will?"

"I'm with Hailey on this one. Let her open up to you, and if she doesn't want to talk, don't force her to. She already had therapy today, so she might be emotionally drained. Just let her work out her negative energy."

He sighed. "Fine. She's really testing my patience."

"She's testing all of us," Hailey agreed. "But we have to go slow with this. We don't want to push too hard. I'm assuming we all understand the risks of pushing someone too hard in this situation, correct?" Both brothers nodded. "Okay, good. I'm gonna head out. Will, make sure Y/N and Jay don't kill each other and that they both come back in one piece."

Once you came out of your room with your phone, headphones, and watch, Jay was lacing up his shoes. "Ready?"

"Yeah."

The minute you were outside and on the sidewalk, you turned your music up so loud that you were sure that Jay could hear the specific song you were listening to. And before you knew it, about half a mile in, hot tears were running down your cheeks.

You gasped when you felt a hand on your wrist and whipped your head to the side to see Jay looking at you, pure concern written across his face. You could see his lips moving, but couldn't hear what he was saying, so you quickly slowed to a walk, paused your music, and took your headphones off.

"What?"

"Y/N, what is going on?"

You scoffed. "Are you kidding me, Jay? What is going on? How about me trying to kill myself and now constantly being babysat and you waltzing back in here like you have some sort of say in my life when you've been fucking around in Bolivia for a whole year and not talking to me or Hailey or Will."

Jay wasn't about to get in a fight in the middle of the sidewalk in downtown Chicago, so he just said, "You're right. I should've kept you in the loop."

"And all the other shit I've gone through, it's all just piling up and everyone just fucking leaves and-- wait...you- you said I'm right?"

"Yeah," he answered, lowering his voice in hopes that you'd lower yours. "I should've thought about how all of this would have impacted you, and I'm sorry that I am just now realizing this."

You studied his face, wondering if he was being genuine or if he was just saying whatever it took for you not to run off into oncoming traffic. But, there wasn't a hint of malice. His eyes were directly trained on you, not monitoring his surroundings like you knew he would do if he was worried about you running off.

You rolled your eyes. "Took you long enough to figure that out."

"I know. And, I'm sorry."

"Thanks for the apology, but it's not just gonna be all sunshine and roses now."

"I know. And I'm not saying it's going to. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry."

"Thanks." You paused, went to put your headphones back on, but knew you needed to say more. "But, I don't accept your apology yet. I need to... I don't know. I need to wrap my head around everything."

"That's fine. I just wanted you to know."

And while Jay knew it wasn't a full acceptance, you were still talking to him instead of yelling. And, he knew that that was one step closer to repair.

***

"How'd it go?" Will asked Jay as the two stood outside the slightly cracked open bathroom door while you showered.

"Um, good...I think. She cried a bit, cussed me out."

Will leaned his head against the wall and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Jay, I don't know what your definition of good is, but mine definitely doesn't sound like that."

"And I apologized. For leaving, I mean. And for not looking at how my actions would impact her."

"And how do you think that went?"

"You sound like a fucking therapist, man."

Will laughed quietly. "Guess Dr. Charles is rubbing off on me."

"You could say that. But I think it went well. She said she can't accept my apology yet, but that's okay. I wouldn't accept my apology yet either."

"Jay."

"What? I'm serious. I was only thinking of myself, not Y/N, not Hailey, and I was a dick. I thought that avoiding my problems would make them better."

"Did you sneak off to a therapy session today, too?"

Jay looked down, reluctant to tell his older brother where he snuck off to early this morning before everyone else was awake. "I went to a veterans support group this morning. I was having a hard time sleeping after Y/N woke me up last night, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to go."

Will smiled and clapped Jay on the shoulder. "Well, I'm proud of you for doing that." He paused. "And, if you tell anyone I said this next part, I will deny it. But, I think you need to talk to Hailey, too."

"Oh, don't worry. I know I need to do that."

"I think we need some more groceries. Maybe you and Hailey can run to the store together? It will give you some alone time."

"Only if you make sure you meet up with Nat tomorrow and talk before she goes back to Seattle."

"We're grabbing coffee tomorrow morning."

"Wow, look at you planning ahead."

Will rolled his eyes. "Shut up. And, go take a shower."

"I barely even ran!"

"I know, but you still stink. Don't want you stinking up Hailey's car when you two go on a grocery store date."

And to that, Jay just flipped Will off as he made his way down the hallway and to his bedroom.

As Jay rifled through his closet, looking for a better pair of shoes than his army-issued boots and old running shoes he'd left behind, he felt a stack of papers. He'd never left papers here, and he didn't think Hailey had touched his side of the closet since he left. Ever the detective, he pulled the papers down.

Dissolution of Marriage - Divorce without Children - Cook County, Illinois.

Parties: Hailey Anne Upton (married name: Hailey Anne Upton-Halstead) & Jayson Halstead.

Will was right: his conversation with Hailey needed to happen, and it needed to happen now before he lost the only woman who had seen all sides of him and still decided to marry his sorry ass.

***

"Anything specific we need?"

"Not really," Jay answered. "Just figured we'd see what we need and get it."

"Never known you to shop without a grocery list."

"I did notice you're running low on that tea you like, so that's one thing on the list."

"You noticed?" she asked, surprised that her husband (well, her husband-for-who-knows-how-much-longer) even noticed it.

"Hailey, I notice a lot. Like how you've barely slept since I've been home."

"Huh. Observant."

"Hailey... don't do that."

"Do what, Jay? You haven't been here for almost a year, and now you want me to talk to you?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I want."

"And you think you deserve it? After everything you put me through?"

"Hailey, I--"

"Jay, I can't do this right now."

Jay turned down a mostly empty side street and then pulled over, quickly putting his truck in park. Hailey shook her head.

"What are you doing?"

"What I should've done a long time ago. I'm sorry, Hailey. I'm so sorry. Just up and leaving you, that wasn't me."

"Then who was it, Jay? Because the man I knew wouldn't do that! The Jay I know promised he wasn't going anywhere, knew my past, and still left." She clenched her teeth, trying to hold back tears. "What were you running from, Jay? From me? Are you still running?"

"Hailey," he whispered, keeping his voice low because he knew how much she hated yelling. He didn't want her to be scared -- him yelling and being in an enclosed space with him, he knew what it would bring up for her. He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away. "I wasn't running from you."

"Then what is? Why did you leave?"

"I told you that day -- I wanted work that was black and white. Good guys and bad guys."

She shook her head sadly. "Jay, I know there's more to it than that. What happened? With the army case and the store? What happened that made you think the solution to whatever was going on was to leave, to leave me and your family? What was it?"

He took a deep breath, preparing to tell her when this all started. "Do you remember the case with Knox?"

"Your old army buddy, yeah. I do. That was right when we first moved in together. We were eating Mcdonalds on the floor. I remember that night and that case."

"I couldn't get it out of my head, everything he did over there."

"I do remember you went to more therapy then, yeah. You went from once every two weeks to once every week."

"My nightmares were back, but you knew that. And then, when that case with the store and the vet, Hailey, I felt something I never felt as a cop." He paused and looked at her, met her eyes. Her brows were slightly furrowed, and her eyes were trained on him, as bright a blue as he always remembered them to be. He doesn't think he'd looked her in the eyes this much since before he left. "I wanted revenge. I wanted to go after the perp who shot him. I thought I was...I thought I was turning into Voight, Hailey. And, the stuff he did before you got into Intelligence, it tore people apart, made them leave, hell, Al died. I know you were here for that last part, but I thought I was protecting you. I thought that if I left, got my head on straight, and came back when Voight retired, then I could go back to being a good cop, one who doesn't think of revenge and whose only job is to protect and serve. I didn't want to hurt you, Hailey. I thought I was protecting you."

"What were you protecting me from?" she whispered, so loud that Jay barely heard her. "I'm not scared of you, Jay."

"I know that, I know. I guess I was trying to protect you from what would happen if I went down Voight's path. There would have been possible prison time; I'd have more bounties on my head than the normal Intelligence member. I thought it would be safer for everyone if I just left."

"And did it help?"

"Not at all," he answered truthfully. "It made it worse. Y/N was right -- I went right back into the environment that caused my PTSD, and well, that didn't help it."

"Was that why you slept on the couch last night? Because of nightmares?"

"I didn't have any last night, but yeah, it was. And, I had to keep an eye out for Y/N. Figured it would be safer if someone was closer to the door if she tried to leave in the middle of the night."

She stayed silent, wondering if she had been on the couch that night, if you wouldn't have snuck off with bottles of pills and alcohol and gone for a drive.

"I want to make this work, Hailey. Really, I do."

She swallowed the lump in her throat and then sighed, figuring it was time to tell him about what had happened six months ago, even if you had told Will and Will had told Jay, he hadn't heard it directly from her yet.

"I was abducted when you were gone. You were off the wire."

"Hailey, I--"

"Y/N, she uh, she stayed up with me when I couldn't sleep. And, one night, I heard crying from the bathroom, and then she didn't answer, so I walked in, and the poor kid was sobbing and dry heaving. You know what she told me, Jay?"

"No," he whispered, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that his wife had been abducted when he was out chasing cartels in Bolivia, and he wasn't able to do anything about it. "I don't know what she told you."

"She said I got kidnapped because you left, and if you were here, this wouldn't have happened. She said she already lost one brother and now she was going to lose her sister, too. She was beside herself, Jay. She actually threw up from crying so hard."

Jay swallowed and clenched his eyes shut to try to stop himself from crying. "God, I didn't know."

"And how could you? I didn't tell you."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Hailey."

"Why didn't you tell me that you felt like you were turning into Voight?"

"What?" he asked, taken aback by the slight change in subject.

"Why didn't you tell me that you felt like you were turning into Voight?" she repeated. "We could've talked about this, found you another unit."

"I thought it would've been easier to just leave."

She gave him a pointed look. "Is that the real reason? Or, is that just the one you keep telling yourself?"

He furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at the ceiling of his truck. "Huh. I don't know."

"That's okay. Just, when you have the answer, let me know, okay? Don't leave me in the dark like you did before."

And he wanted to ask if they were good, but he knew it was way too soon to do that. After all, she had divorce papers on the top shelf of their closet. It was going to take a lot more than one short truck ride to the grocery store full of hard conversations to mend their relationship.

***

"How's it going? Feeling better?" Will asked in the living room as you mindlessly scrolled through your phone.

"Jay told you I cried on my run, didn't he?" Will nodded. "Jesus, he likes to tell everyone my business, doesn't he?"

"He also said that you two talked a bit. I think it's good that you're talking to him."

"Doesn't change the fact that he left."

"I'm not saying it does." He sat down on the couch next to you and gently pulled your phone from your hands. "Listen, Y/N, I know you're scared."

You laughed. Of all of the things to come out of your mouth, your mind decided it needed to be fucking laughter. "Am I that predictable?"

"You're angry, shutting us out. No matter how much you do that, we'll still be here for you."

"Will you? Or will you be in Seattle?" you snapped.

"I should've talked to you about this instead of springing this on you, and I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you should have."

With that comment, Will knew that this conversation wasn't going anywhere, so he finally asked what he thought might help you open up, what he thought no one would have asked you yet.

"What were you feeling? When you tried to kill yourself?" His medical training made him blunt, and you were almost thankful for that, for him not skirting around the topic with a euphemism.

"I told you. My body was numb, but everything was on fire. Why are you--"

"I'm not talking about what you were physically feeling, Y/N. What were you feeling emotionally?"

You looked up at your oldest brother's kind, caring eyes. There was nothing malicious in them, and there never had been. He wore the same caring look on his face that he had fifteen years ago when cleaning up your scraped knee from when you tripped and skidded across the pavement on your scooter.

"I was...I guess I was scared," you answered honestly.

"Of dying?"

"No." You shook your head. "Not of dying. I'm not really afraid of death, more scared of how I die."

"Then what were you scared of?"

"Who was gonna find my body, how you and Hailey and Jay were going to keep living when I was gone. I didn't want Hailey to blame herself, but I knew she would. And, when that thought came, that's when I called 911."

"It sounds like you cared more about everyone else than you do yourself. Why?"

"Jesus, Will. I don't know. But I'll talk about that in therapy, I'm sure. Now, can I have my phone back?"

"How about we play a game? I found Skip-Bo."

You knew what he was doing, trying to mend your relationship by spending time together. But, damn, that was your favorite card game. So, you gave in. "You did? Where?"

"In one of those boxes under the stairs that Jay refuses to unpack."

"Will, were you snooping?"

"I was. Shocked you haven't been. Now, 20 or 25 cards in our pile?"

And then he pulled the pack of cards from a drawer in a cabinet next to the tv and sat on the floor cross-legged across from you with the coffee table between the two of you. The minute he started shuffling, you were transported back to rainy days and being babysat by your older brothers, who would always protect you while Mom and Dad were working. And with that thought, you realized that maybe Jay and Will hadn't changed too much. They'd always been there for you, but now you were an adult woman who didn't blindly listen to their reasoning and wanted answers for yourself on why a decision was made. Maybe, they just needed to see you like the grown woman you were instead of a little kid who couldn't shuffle or needed help bandaging up a scraped knee...well, maybe not the shuffling part. You still didn't know how to shuffle a deck of cards.

***

You heard a knock on your door as you finished the chapter of your book you were reading, as you were winding down for bed. "Yeah? Come in."

"Hey," Jay said as he entered. "Are you at a good stopping point?" he asked as he motioned toward your book.

"Give me about thirty seconds to finish these two paragraphs so I can finish the chapter. One sec."

"Good book?" Jay asked once you closed your book, and he sat down next to you, not so discreetly hiding something behind his back.

"It's okay. It's a little bit science fiction-y, so not totally what I'm into."

"Then why are you reading it?"

"I had some Book of the Month credits, and the reviews looked promising. Just feels like I'm slogging through it."

"You can always stop reading it, you know. That's also an option."

"It's not that bad. A book has to be terrible or just plain confusing or boring for me to DNF it."

"Fair enough." He pulled his hand from behind his back. "I probably should've given this to you a few days ago, but I didn't want you to shut me out. And, after your run today, maybe it's just my perspective, but I think things are getting better."

You took it from his hands and then took a shuddering breath and held the Build-A-Bear to your chest. He was still in his military uniform, hat, shoes, and all. "Beary. You kept him safe." You squeezed the stuffed animal tighter. "Ugh. I didn't know how much I needed him until now." A few stray tears rolled down your cheeks. "Thank you."

He squeezed your shoulder. "You're welcome, kid. Now, get some rest."

Then, he left your room, and it wasn't lost on either of you that that was the first conversation where there wasn't tension since he'd been back. Then, you made your way to your closet and grabbed the blue fuzzy Build-A-Bear off the floor.

"Sorry, Detective Blue," you whispered.

And then, you placed both Beary and Detective Blue on your bed next to you and continued reading.

***

"Hey, thanks for meeting me," Will said to Natalie when he walked into a local coffee shop the next morning after he had gotten his coffee.

"No problem. How is she?"

"She's...well, she's alive, and she and Jay talked without yelling last night, so we're getting there. She started therapy, too, which will hopefully be helpful."

"That's good. And what about you? How are you doing with all of this?"

"Good question. You know, I really don't know, Nat."

She reached across the table and gently grabbed his hand. "Will, it's okay. You don't have to know."

"I want to give you answers about moving to Seattle and the timeline, but I can't give them to you right now. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to give me the answers now. Do you still have your job at Med? You didn't give Goodwin your resignation yet, have you?"

"No, work doesn't have any idea that I'm moving and that I got an offer at Gray Sloan."

"You didn't break your lease yet?" Will shook his head. "Okay, so figure out what to do about the job offer at Gray's and then go from there. If you need to come meet me out there in a year or two, then we can do that."

"Nat, are you sure?"

"Positive. Family comes first. You need to make sure you're here for Y/N and not worrying about moving logistics." Will just gazed at her and smiled. "What? Do I have a milk mustache from my latte?"

"No," Will laughed. "I just love you so much."

"And I love you, too."

***