I copy pasted this from my twitter, I just wanted to add that's it also an answer on why I'm not that active here recently
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Hi, just a message to wish everyone a happy new year.
I have no drawing to show, I have nothing.
I will just talk as a person, as a human, about why I have nothing to show, why I did not have a drawing for Halloween, Christmas and the new year.
At the beginning of 2024 I had no goal, just hoped to see my life improve, but it ended up being the opposite.
I have not corrected my faults, I only made them worse. The relationship between me and my parents has worsened, I hardly see them anymore. So I’m much more lonely, I don’t see anyone outside of work and these people aren’t my friends either.
I just work, have no time for myself to do activities that would please me.
It’s very difficult, my suicidal tendencies have calmed down a bit at the beginning of the year before reappearing in September, since then everything is falling apart, I am not diagnosed but I lie to myself by saying that I am ok when I know very well that I am depressed to some extent. It’s not the first time but now I see the effects of all those years trappes in my own hell: my anorexia gets worse, I get sick more often and I'm in pain everywhere on my body,I eat very little and I am deshydrated. Add to that my dysmorphia which has never had so much hold in my head.
I’m much weaker mentally than before even though it was always something that I had in me, I also have even less confidence in myself, which is why I hardly published a drawing this year.
I had so much to draw, I had a fanfiction to write and yet I did nothing, and I probably will not do better in 2025. This year I didn't realized any dream, I have not achieved any great thing, 2024 ended up being kinda useless.
In 2024, I found my existence quite useless,too. I’m still looking for the desire to live, the real desire to live.
To say that I’m still here just because I have a crush on a fictional character from a manga that will probably end next year. It’s not really a real desire to live you know.
Since I’m in this world, I keep looking, telling myself that I can live, maybe in 2025, it will happen, I don't know for now.
So, please, in 2025, take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones, make your dreams come true and don’t step one step into hell like I do.
I don’t know why I wrote all of this, I needed to write a little bit to put on paper the state of my life I think
Have a great year
