throughout the film neil's laugh is so distinct, his voice is so loud and exhilarating, and what really gets me is that this voice so full of life won't be remembered by anyone. by his parents, by his friends. one day todd will forget his voice. it won't even be a memory. it will be gone, just like he is. just like his hope and dreams, his passion and determination, his love and his sorrow, the touch of his skin, his firm hand shakes, his polite smiles and toothy grins. all gone. and one day, todd will think back to those three months at welton before that fateful night, and he won't see neil's face, or hear neil's voice. he'll have a vague recollection of small afternoon study sessions, running to the cave, boys laughing in the locker room, neil on the stage, everything slightly blurry at the edges and nothing clear. just a feeling, a warm panging sensation in his chest, unattended reunions, old regrets, greying hair, existing in a time that neil never touched, never experienced, never made his mark. and todd will never know what it meant, so he forgets, because it's easier than admitting that there once was a boy named neil who he loved. that's a secret he'll keep to himself. the only thing that ever truly was his, to hold, to understand, to perceive, to experience without anyone else's prying eyes and unwanted perception. and every time i hear neilâs laugh i think of everything they lost. everything neil lost, his parents, his friends, todd. the silence that filled the perry household, his and toddâs dorm room, the cave, the hallways. the emptiness that neil left behind, that they didnât know needed filling until he was gone. that space that neil didnât know he took up so beautifully. as a caring friend, a dutiful son, an excellent student. and nothing more, not a loving husband, not a profound actor, not an amazing parent, co worker, or any other role neil would have filled just as well. thereâs a space that no one knows is missing. but as time goes on, they can see it, todd can feel it. and heâll walk down streets, sit in coffee shops, teach in classrooms, go to theatres to see plays, and hope that maybe heâll hear neilâs laughter, see his soft smile out of the corner of his eye, exactly where he should be. and heâll be there, just as he always shouldâve been, and everything will be right again. normal. but that never happens. and todd canât imagine it any different, canât feel neil, can picture him as he was or how he would be now. itâs all gone, even the sound of his laughter. and todd wonders when he started to forget, what he lost first. did he even try to hold on? did any of them?
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