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Dear love of my life

Coming to Germany made me realize I was still looking out for love, meaning you. I was still waiting for you. I still had hope for us. All these letters all these poems, all of it. In the same night that I realized what I wanted, I realized what I didn't want. I don't want half assed love. A love that waits. Us and ours don't have the luxury of time. We don't have forever. We have to fight for what we want. We have to fight for right now. Tell me love, do you want right now? Can you muster the bravery right now demands? Can you drop all the fragile and valueable your lovely hands carry? I know, my love. I would never ask you such a thing. Not even because I've dropped the load off my hands and met you half way. Not even because I'm standing outside your doorstep with the best song my strings could play or the best notes my voice could sing. Sometimes we don't have the luxury of right now or ever. Sometimes all we get is the glance across the bus stop, a simple introduction, the first and only time I heard you say my name. Sometimes we are just simply meant to walk away. I knew you were going to be meant more to me when I caught you staring at the way I read the graffiti off the walls. I knew it then. I did not know the bravery that it would muster to say I love you in passing. To say I love you and never know your response. My love does not wait. And you, only love waiting.

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Made it to Berlin. A string of events have happened from awesome brunch in Berlin to great wine stories about past loves and musical lovers. And occasional political tensions and even the you don't know me and I guess I kinda don't know you either conversation. In summary, our friendship. Next time I'm making sure I'm not a burden and bring other folks so we do things and just chill out without overbearing the host. But while I have a chance to think I find myself talking to C. "Dude I don't think I'll ever find someone a good as you. It makes me feel all sorts of despair" It makes me feel good validated but also sad. The world is a lonely place. And we hold on to all sorts of connections to make meaning and sense of things. The world is all sorts of fucked up. What am I doing to make it better?

Night frights

I wasn't ready to read my horoscope and now I know why. Nichols says, "You, however, have every reason to get out your flashlight and investigate these night-frights. If you don’t they might start to sever ties that bind you to love, passion and progress. If you don’t they might just start to undo all the details that you’ve finally started to get straight. If you don’t you might start to feel it was all for naught and nothing much will ever amount to anything at all." I had a nightmare this morning. The kind you wake up crying from. My ex was beat up by a group of young men, there he was lying on the floor with his upper lip busted. Unconscious. I had forgotten about him and I kept asking, "how could you?! No! No!" I jokingly told him, "don't get beat up ok?" But what the hell is going on?! Where did all these feelings come from? Today has been a weird day, a hard day. I'm sad and mopey. I feel myself starting to get antsy. Reverting to toxic habits. I let this huge crying session. I'm not sure why I'm so knee deep in feelings. I was fine. On top of the world actually after my race, looking forward to Berlin and I feel defeated. I don't know why. I hate the highs because then come the lows if I don't manage. Maybe it's time I considered therapy or medication. Or maybe I'm getting closer to a truth and I'm grieving.

You know that song by the Lumineers that says, “think of what it might have been if you took a bus to china town, I’d be standing on Canal and Bowery and she’d be standing next to me.”

How does one know when to run back?

No, I’m not thinking of running back. Well, maybe a little. Is there like a grace period? If it’s more than a year, give up! Move on and find another story to tell. Or maybe I should find another song to sing.

This love thing is confusing. This relationship thing is a mess. Last time I was hurt took me 2 years to recover. This time, being real and all, I’m assuming needs its time.

There comes a certain freedom with letting go. So everyday I’ve let go, and in some moments, amidst nightmares and wishful thinking, I’ve held on for dear life to those little wrinkles of love.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll have something like I had with you, maybe it will be even better. But I do want a family. I saw my paternal grandmother in the hospital today. Life happens so fast. I want moments of happiness that build upon each other, not people coming in and out. I get it, we are rivers. I'm the most unstable river of them all but I want a life companion. I want someone who understands my family because they resemble their own. I have faith. I'm looking towards you, universe, for guidance. Im becoming better and I expect better.

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strong and only getting stronger.

For so long, well 2 years of my life, I looked forward to my former partner’s graduation with anticipation. His graduation was somehow also my victory. I felt we both had worked hard to achieve this. Me by mostly being the primary financial contributer and housekeeper. It seemed eternal. I couldn’t wait for his graduation to begin living our lives, my life. We could travel. We could be anything. I feel I took the breakup a lot harder than him. He broke up with me for someone else and that meant dealing with feelings of rejection and betrayal (he lied me and lead me on) but also a loss of purpose and identity.

I imagine myself on this day to be the luckiest girl. My patient (and sometimes impatient) waiting would finally paid off.

There were so many problematic things with that. Today I’m still dealing with the loss. On cold rainy days I miss waiting for that idea of us, my idea of happiness. Ideas of relationships can be so hegemonic. I had been running with my daydreams, He was waiting it out, looking for his sense of freedom. I look forward to the day I can finally stop feeling that pain. Every day, it’s less and less.

But everyday I’m starting to feel a little more free. Like letting go something i desired so much makes me feel free.

I may not be where I imagined myself so many years ago but I feel blessed. The quest for a sense of purpose is scary by myself, but it is also liberating. I can do whatever I want, I can go wherever I want. I’m running a 10 mile race (scary but I will get to at least 6-7 miles, maybe the 10 if I pause). I’m going to Berlin with no plans and reuniting with an old friend (even scarier). I’m doing all the things I set out to do and I am learning to deal with my feelings, emotions, and all the nuances in between. I can feel myself feel emotionally stronger, identify the hegemonic ideal vs. what’s real and make the decision about what I want.

I guess I just wanted to say, I’m proud of myself. For being able to get through this, 6 months after, strong and only getting stronger.

ALSO I’M FUCKING GOING TO BERLIN!!!!

It's April 26

For as much I’ve written about the breakup I think I’ve been avoiding the real issue at hand. My quest for love has really been about self love . And now I desperately want to say “now that I love myself fast forward to loving someone else and having babies.” Patience is not my strongest suit.

Codependency is real. When I don’t have any projects or things to obsess on, I look to people. I can be really good at it. But it’s indicative of my reluctance to process. My tongue permanently sits between my teeth as a divider, so my stressed jaw can relax. It’s a coping mechanism. I look to obsess on things and respond sometimes erratic or on a whim to avoid process and the gap. I’ve been talking about this void, this pit in my stomach since I was young. My earliest memory is feeling this feeling. Alone, abandoned, little. I don’t know where it comes from. Maybe this is genetic memory. Whatever it is, it’s something now I have to figure out.

I guess I wanted to say: stop looking for answers, advice, or foreshadowing. Your story isn’t written anywhere. Wake up everyday with energy and drive, be the person you’ve been looking for. Be a thousand times better than the day before, stop passively watching the world go by. At the same time, be hella sad, write really sad songs and poems, feel everything you’ve been avoiding.

He told me my sad snapchat made him cry. I recorded our songs from Texas to New Mexico. Truthfully, it felt good to do that. To tell that story, it’s still my favorite and it’s the story I want to remember. I just really dislike this part right now.

Who am right now? Lonely ex that hasn’t moved on? I’m not angry or bitter, well not always anymore. I don’t love him because I don’t know him anymore.

But I miss who he was all the time.

The idea of doing 2 year relationships all throughout my twenties bores the hell out of me but I hate playing the game. I’m not good at it and it gives me no pleasure.

I don't think there are any models for what I want. I’m going to focus on my friendships.

Or are you deepening your understanding of all that you bring to the table, of all that you bring to this world and of all that you can bring to whatever you are wishing to accomplish? Focus on aligning yourself with what makes you a happier person not just the one who wins the race.

Chani Nichols, April 20th horoscope for Aries

This evening I yearned for Albuquerque but then I found myself falling for Chicago. It's most definitely home. I love feeling this strong sense of home. This is it. Ok I'm going to cut through the crap. I had a meeting with an old friend. Not that we knew each other super well or anything but now it seems we have a lot in common. He gives me confidence. Oh those Chem classes you gotta take? Piece of cake! Here eat something, you're all bones! And at the same time he has that same annoying trait all darn scorpios have where he pushes the line to strike a reaction. He strikes up a convo with anybody. Talks like no one else is around about anything. Universe, is this your answer? But why are you sending me another Scorpio? I don't know if there is even romantic interest but I like hanging out with him. As soon as I found out he was a Scorpio I was like wtf. How many more! What lesson did you want me to learn?! I thought I already learned it! Isn't it time for something real and forever?

As soon as the weather changes, my behavior changes. Art parasites had this quote of "if you're lonely when you're alone you're with bad company" maybe I'm shitty company. It's true. Some days I can't even with myself. Today goes on that list. Well this evening. I need my own place... But taking time off is antithetical to living on your own. Income and health insurance is necessary. But as much as I tell myself that, I know it isn't a true. Leaving my job is either the bravest thing I'll do or the stupidest, I imagine, the result will be indicative of how I refer to this turning point.

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Instead of being bitter because you are much happier without me, I should focus on myself. I don’t know where those feelings come from. Its not like I still like you or anything. It still hurts to see your face, and the rejection still hurts.

You didn’t want to kiss me anymore. That has to be the worst feeling ever.

But I really don’t care for you anymore. I’m just angry I don’t have someone. I hate these feelings, this antsy-ness, insecurity, feelings of unworthiness. I need to get a schedule, I need to run, prep meals, and study.

I waste so much time day dreaming and working, complaining, feeling enervate. I have so much to look forward to. I dont know why I waste my time thinking about you.

I do know. Those little gems of our time together. I want them. I do want someone. The one. and eventhough I know there is no such thing, here I am wishing. I know right now is not the right time for me.

Romantic love inspire me, holds me together. Not just anyone will do. And I’m not interested in investing in dating, its a shit show. Gah. Whatevs.

Part of my self care is letting myself cry.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m crying. I feel this really deep sadness, this huge gap. I miss him. Actually, I’m not sure if its him I miss. I miss my life in New Mexico, I miss sunny days, but then I remember the gap, the lonliness I felt.

i want both. I want to fill the gap and be home and have sunny days.

I know I said, I would return, but I don’t think I will.

I'm starting to like someone, that I shouldn't like. I don't even really know this person, but something weird happened. He likes to talk and I like how he tells stories. Maybe all of us like each other a little bit, we all similar, similar things to share, things that move us, things that scare us. But I see him and I really like him. His white sox hat, his smile, how he wears his truth on his sleeve and says exactly what he's thinking. I know he fucked someone over, but I can also see how he's been supportive and nice. It's tricky how muddy the water can get. This will pass. I'm not an asshole and I'm not sure I can stomach if my feelings grow so it's not growing. I wonder if friendship can grow. Can I like him as a friend? Maybe I'm confusing the feeling of friendship. But this means I have a better idea of who I want. I want a south side Chican@ that reminds me of jasmine trees, of why we fight and why we heal. That wears his truth and isn't afraid of sharing it. That believes in sci fi stories and is down to go on quantum jumps with me. I'm looking for a traveller that knows this is home but home is something you nurture. I'm looking for someone who could love and nurture future life projects, loves themselves. I'm really glad I'm taking my time, that I'm not running to hide in other people or go fucking half the world. I'm really glad I'm taking my time finding who I am, who I want to be and who I want to be with. I'm not going to settle for this fuck buddy dating crap. That's not who I am. I want the real deal, full on energy investment, maybe forever but let's get through dinner first, maybe I'll put up with you skittish dog if you don't mind blah blah blah, I'm not looking for save me or save you, I'm looking for lets run to Vegas and get married cuz yolo or cuz I love you and this is craziest love I've ever felt and it feels right, maybe we're both manic or maybe life is too short to debate the maybes, to get caught up on the mundane or the petty. I want magic, I want it feels like I'm thinking that or that's been my life. How did you know that was also my truth? So I'm running with it because these moments are rare and you gotta go with them, like that magic carpet ride scene, like the feeling you get on a summer day, like the first time you scores that goal, or you lead a Chant, or you ride in la, where the weather is perfect and you thought, "I'm happy but I'm missing something" and you found the missing link, the connection that centers you to the universe. I'm my own person. I don't need anyone to be complete or happy but you add some extra ions to my charge and we just radiate faster and brighter and i wanna speed through the solar system and burn brighter with you.

But I didn’t respond

He texted me, “I just want you to know that I think I finally understand why you would get so mad when we fought, blah blah, I’ma be a better person, blah blah, blah.”

I meant to say:

I’d wish you could understand how I feel now. Confused if I really thought you were the real thing or if I’m just bitter I lost my safety net and I now I gotta go catch the damn fish by hand. Sometimes i love you and sometimes I think it’s all fake and love isn’t real, and I’m manic-depressive but no ones knows because I’m a highly functioning adult. The work of self-love is the hardest thing.

But today I did two loads of laundry, I cleaned my room (like deep clean) and half-assed cleaned the living room. I’ll get better at this, I just gotta keep doing it and give myself the time. make the time. be better.

Life goes by really quick when you decide you aren’t gonna do shit.

Whenever I start to feel this way, empty, antsy, like being left behind, I begin to deal in unhealthy ways.

I decided to mope around today. Idling looking up apartments, watching a stupid show on netflix. Life goes by really quick when you decide you aren’t gonna do shit.

There were so many things I needed to get done but I didn’t give a fuck.

I’m going to Berlin in like 6 weeks. Running a race in 4 weeks. I am gonna get eaten alive.

I wasn’t able to do most of the things I wanted. Like really train for the race. Lose weight. I’m angry and I’m bitter. I’m angry I don’t have time to do all the things I want to do.

Or a place of my own. Or two pets I don’t know how to deal with. Or how to be an adult. or that I’m hung up on someone who doesn’t give two shits about me. It’s hard to not think “of course he’s gay, of course he never loved you, of course, of course.” but then I remember there have been too many that didn’t love me for real, despite their attractions. Is this my fate? To be poorly loved? To love poorly?

The work never stops and I just want to stop stressing and working so damn hard.

I;ve been looking for apartments but I don’t want any of them. I want Albuquerque. I want a cute little adobe apartment. I want San anto.

I’ve been trying to put myself out there. But even with friends saying, “let’s go to the dance floor” I’m filled with anxiety and think out loud, “oh, I’m not ready.” But I go out there. And instead of talking to someone new, or smile back to the guy is obviously smiling at me, I look for you. Glimpses of you everywhere I go. It’s not like you were the shit, it’s not like you were everything I’ve been looking for but I knew you and I don’t want to know anyone else or anything else. To say that I miss you is the biggest understatement of the year and It’s only April. It was a lot easier when I was distracted by Seattle, but Seattle is imaginary. you were real. or at least, I thought you were real. I keep waiting patiently for this wound to heal but it’s hard.

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm too young to be this bitter. Sometimes. I no longer wish to see you or think of you. I don't know why it still hurts. Everyone is moving on. Everyone moves. Swinging back and forth between smiles and flirtatious looks. All I want is poetry and music. Loud soul crushing sounds followed by the cadence of wounded words. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just lonely and depressed remembering the cycles of highs and lows, knowing deep inside I'm some kind, maybe, not really, bipolar. I fear this is the truth. But I'm living with the consequences of feeling empty. Running from place to place for fillers. I'm afraid I'm on the verge of running again. Somewhere between self-care and mania. Somewhere between "be patient with yourself" and the lows. Somewhere between balance and denial. I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok. I just need to get through this week. Every week it's the week and it's never the time to stop, to say no, to finally leave. I've walking for 25 years like I was born tired, maybe this is the last spurge of live my soul is meant to live and I've been ready for the other side for decades.

Clearly the virtual side of the world is one story and the other is a sex forest. Reminds me of that play, Shakespeare's midsummer night dream. Where everyone behaves as if they are in a temporary holiday. Say you met someone within your circle, chances are they have slept with 3 people in the same circle. Is no one really bothered by that? Not that im looking for a clean slate or anything but come on.

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