☆ kel ☆

i struggle to word things in person and a lot of the time i sit and text random thoughts because i do not understand socialisation and i don't understand people and i find it upsetting because id love to talk about how i feel to someone in person because it would probably sound a lot more convincing than it does over text and i feel like half of the time no one believes me because i probably act entirely different in person. i am still struggling with how i feel i just struggle to word things and think on the spot with regards to how i should word things

i basically have just felt like the most unlikeable person on earth for several years now and i genuinely want to just kms like i don't even know why i feel like this because i don't really have a bad life in terms of friends and family and my living situation

^ ontop of that i'm convinced everyone hates me and i have really bad issues of getting jealous of people and i have insane fomo to the point where i just like sit and sob for hours because i feel like nobody likes me.

ontop of this everyone always talks about how they have a best friend or even like a main friend. i don't have that and i feel like all of my friends like each other more than they like me which probably isn't true but i pick up on these tiny little things which makes me think it's true which also makes me feel SO selfish for having these sorts of thoughts but like, i can't really help it, ive felt this way for atleast a good 5 years, i've tried seeing through it but nothing has really worked at all. the thoughts just keep on coming back and it makes me feel horrible

and despite all of this i still really love all of my friends and they are my favourite people ever, so ontop of all of that im really scared to lose any of them, i feel like one day they're all just going to leave me because they hate me and ill have no one left but myself

i also don't feel real sometimes and i often talk to myself when i play games and i act like my friends are sitting with me when they're probably doing something much more useful with their time 🧍‍♀️

i feel like i also find way too much comfort in fictional characters which is a stupid thing to be upset about but sometimes when the conversation isn't about something i know about i actually get upset over it 🧍‍♀️ i also get more upset than i probably should when people say they dislike a character that's my favourite because my brain thinks that the character is an actual real person that i can rely on and seek comfort in and view as my actual best friend which is why i love nobara so much because i really love the message she gives out but then i remember that im being stupid and she isn't even real so what's the fycjing point

to sum it up - i feel horrible all of the time and i hate everything :D