DepriBerry

Ace of diamond gave me motivation for my dream because the mc is so hopeless

I love anime and baseball

I always feel like this.

You guys know those anime characters who go through shit and then work their way up and change things. Sometimes they struggle too but in the end they get what they want.

It always seems to be the main characters.

I choose to be non of these.

Not a bystander—because I know how it feels to be seen and ignored.

Not a perpetrator—because I refuse to become what hurt me.

Not a victim—because I won’t relive my pain to survive.

Sometimes I ask myself if my ex-bestfriend misses me?

We were last year in the same school. And we graduated from there so we knew we wouldn’t see each other often cause she would start work and I would continue achool. We made a promise to start the same hobby.

And I asked her often if she were ready but she said she still needs to discuss with her parents so I told her when they agree she should text me. After that we didn’t see each other again but I kept texting her.

Asking how work is like and asking her if she would like to go out and stuff. And on her birthday we had funfair so I texted her telling her I had gift and just congratulating her and I asked her to meet up there.

She told me she couldn’t go to the funfair at all not even on the other days and not even at night after I asked her. I was desperate to go to the funfair with her. But she couldn’t because she would be at her parents with her boyfriend so we agreed on next week.

At that day my friend saw her on the funfair..

So yeah I was kinda sad cause she lied to me

But what broke my heart was that she didn’t congratulate me on my birthday which is only 4 days after hers. That happened last year too and she apologized and told me she would never ever forget it and promised she would gift me something next year. (Also last year I baked her 30 muffins for her and her family as a birthday gift )

And then just two days after my birthday she asked me to meet up so I can give her the gift and she also asked me if I could come with to buy shoes if I wanted to cause she needed new ones.

I just answered with "sry got no time I’m stressed"

And never texted her again.

It’s been now around 4 month and I always check her profile picture and our chats. And it seems like I always texted first but I ask myself if I did something wrong cause she didn’t even tell me happy new year. I really just wished that would be an exuberant for her to text me.

Just now my sister told my mom that she measured her blood pressure and that it was too low. Before that I heard my mom telling my dad that his daughter is having a low blood pressure but I didnt really care. But after hearing my sister telling it my mom that her blood pressure was just 100 seeing my mom getting worried again as if she didn’t know. Made me kind of jealous.

I cant help but think about the time where I always felt like passing out not having any energy and barely eating always burnt out, feeling nothing but everything,trying to wake up but also hoping not to, hoping to get help but not asking, hurting myself, blaming everything to myself trying to lecture myself by punishing myself.

If I had showed it would I have been treated like that too? Being worried about too? Would I have been??

I don’t really feel jealous it’s just a sting but it went away fast. Cause I feel like since I opened up about now wanting to get to spain my mom is trying to get closer. So when I say I have no one she says "I am here" but I reply with "I dont need anyone". Cause I don’t them. I don’t them. I don’t like it. Just stay away from me and I will be happy.

I dont like how they suddenly want to treat me better after ignoring me as a punishment for being stressed out. Also I told myself to not rely on them cause I want to be independent so I don’t care. I just feel weird when they do it and they do it horribly wrong so they just make it worse. And just how she says it its like she want me to take my guard down for her benefit.

Now that I am 11 months clean and getting much better. I feel weird as if I wish I was still depressed. If I was just a little longer depressed would there be something that I could have used to be like I am now cause there is no reason for me to act like this.

But there was also something else when my mom told her husband about his daughter and he don’t care at all uff I hate this men. He is always like that. No matter what we say he doesn’t care. Even when we try to open up he doesn’t care. Only thing he can do is "trying to help" by trying to resolve our problems when we actually just need someone to listen! I hateeww him