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@strawberriecherry

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My Soul Cried and I Rejoiced
It’s over, the semester is over. I still have some assignments due, but I went to my last class today. I cried so hard. I cried from every fiber of my soul. Free at last, free at last THANK GOD ALMIGHTY IM FREE AT LAST. I cried and swayed side to side thanking God and giving myself the therapy I haven’t been throughout this semester. I cried out my fear, I cried out my shame, I cried out my anger, and I cried out my regret. It’s over. Everyday I wanted to die before the sun came up, but I feel like I can finally want to see tomorrow. I’m free.
I worked this semester. I went to the doctors with bad news. I went against my morals and principles. Pushed my body to new painful limits. I was mentally exhausted and emotionally dead. I lost a friend in a hideous way. My family believed lies about me. I couldn’t go home. My finances were and are in trouble. My laptop broke. I made a mistake that I refuse to voice. I neglected myself. I lost my sense of self and relapsed in people pleasing. I blanked three times during my presentation. I got Cs and Ds on some exams. It was a rough couple months.
I just cried it all out. I thanked God for getting me this far. I don’t care about the honors program, I don’t care about my grades, and I don’t care about not graduating with Summa. It was all I hung onto this semester to keep me going to class and to not give up on myself. Now that class is over, I will eat a B+ or two and I will celebrate how I survived. I didn’t jump off that ledge even though I imagined doing so many times at work, o did step out in traffic after getting off the bus. I didn’t. I just didn’t and I held strong to life. I thought of my family, the money, the consequences all in general and kept going. I just kept telling myself I could make it another minute, another moment, another second. I am worth seeing this through. I am worth the future I envision. I am worth giving myself another chance. I would never hurt myself, but I was so tempted. I don’t like pain or failure. I made it. I made it to today! F school. I’ll be back tomorrow to work on my thesis proposal and thesis intro revision tho. I still want more for myself. I want to gift myself with the possibility of getting what I want.
Aww, the baby. I still choose myself daily. 8 years later.

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Going to work on helping others while I try to help myself. I have been working on pacifying myself more.
I learned some ugly truths about myself this weekend.
I am quite moody and I do things that annoy people with my indecisiveness or need for control. My inconsistencies can be exhausting for others. I often need to know everything even when I don't need to and make issues that didn't need to be an issue.
I understand why I am such a hard person to love. I feel sad, but not devastated at the revelation.
I almost always have a problem with others. I don't give as much grace to others for being annoyed with me, when I'm annoying.
My lack of consistency is annoying. My need to be considered all the time (unrealistic) is annoying. My constant complaining is annoying.
I don't know how to be and let be. I am full of instability. I am a walking conductor for chaos because of that.
I am insecure and I make bad financial decisions.
I can lack accountability and action for change.
I am honestly a shit person and I need to change that because I don't see myself living a long life like this.
Between the stress, sadness, and strife I open myself up to.
I need to change otherwise I may lose everyone and I may lose myself.
So beautiful 😍
I'm 29 now. This is what I look like these days. #beatdatrice #myface
they should invent a version of me that didn't have unrestricted internet access at a young age

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Life is crazy. At a point of apathy. It's 2023 and I feel like the last 5 years of my life were a waste. I'm getting back on track and finding myself again. I'm a teacher now and I'm pretty good at it to be not even a year in. Loving working with SPED.
Anyway, I'm struggling personally to find my purpose. I have no deep attachments besides my best friend. My family here doesn't really care for me that deep. They cause more problems than any they try to fix.
My new doctor took MDD off my chart. I'm definitely dealing with chronic depression still. A bubbly personality doesn't mean I want to be alive. I'm just a good actress. I can present happy or easygoing if I choose to.
Elon is a punk!
Welp...
"... other companies ..." huh? Just other ones? Not SpaceX?
Musk's companies benefited from subsidies as recently as April, when SpaceX won a $2.89 billion contract from NASA. Tesla got subsidies for
Oops, my finger slipped.
What a pathetic waste of oxygen. Calling Musk a punk is an insult to punks everywhere. He's less useful than a dead rat. He's an egomaniac the likes of which humanity hasn't suffered outside of fiction. The only good he'll do is fertilizing the ground he rots under and providing a bathroom with his gravestone.
Imagine holding lifesaving technology hostage for your own gain because you were insulted on Twitter. Pathetic.
I think now that queens dead they should have her stuffed and put on display in Cairo for the next 150 years.

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Spirited Away (2001) — Dir. Hayao Miyazaki
“Once you’ve met someone you never really forget them.”