There's a bluebird

I’m not supposed to look back. I’ve told myself there’s no point in being sentimental. Yet, there I am, replaying the moments of when things were different. Wishing that I could return to a time where it all seemed too good to be true.

I’m not supposed to look forward. I’ve told myself there’s innumerable uncertainties. Yet, there I am, questioning why I am not planning every single facet of my life anymore. Wondering about every what if and drawing hypotheticals.

It frustrates me that I am confused about my identity. Do I push myself to be objective because of the ones I’m close to? Do I change the parts of myself to accommodate loved ones?

I have these high expectations for myself. “I need to be stronger. I need to be logical. Reason is more important than feeling,” I say.

“I can’t let my emotions rule me,”

It’s funny because I get asked that a lot.

“I think it’s the way they say your name,” I say. “Like you know it’s safe inside their mouth.”

“Could you tell me more?” They ask.

Is it the familiarity? Is it the security?

It’s strange because I always seem to find my way back here. No matter how much time passes, I make my return.

Tired of people failing to meet my expectations.

Maybe it’s better to keep to myself.

I often try to remind myself that the little things are significant. Seeing you smile should be enough. Hearing from loved ones should be enough. Baby steps to success should be enough.

Yet, there’s this void within me that hasn’t gone away. For the past week, this emptiness has carried over.

Must you feel as dreary

because I knew of your day—

I knew you had a lot in the way.

But, sometimes it’s difficult to keep emotions at bay,

on days filled with gray.

And I wish you were here,

so we could lay—

We all are.

That’s the beauty of it, anyway.

She knew it is never his intention to make her feel that way. A lot of the things he did for her was because he wanted her to be happy. I suppose all he ever wanted to do was to make her happy.

“The way you’re treating me and the situation. You know that I want your undivided attention,” she replies. “I care about you,” he says. “Then why don’t you act like you care?” She questions.

Both were frustrated. Tired of thing after thing surfacing. Eventually, he stepped out of the bedroom for a bit.

He kisses her on the forehead, “I love you.”