the stories we shared

there’s something about being surrounded by just great energy. 

i have not always been successful at this, so i want to give myself some time to appreciate it.

ideo is truly as amazing and bright as they say

flowers can make anyone’s day

i was authoritative and productive and helpful. i think these are things to pay attention to, in terms of answering this question on fulfillment

i talked about super interesting things! like the future of community, the role of community designers, digital governance, diversity-- all things that come very naturally to me and i think in that i am answering my own question of “what do i want to be known for” and “what doesn’t feel like work”...

what can i make of this? all these concepts are just coming to the forefront and i think there is so much potential to lead in this emerging space, to create new forms of governance, connection, engagement....it’s not media or community alone, or storytelling, technology, or global dynamics.... but some mix of all of them. maybe that’s what i want to be known for. perhaps the reason i struggle to articulate this is because it’s an undefined field and i am in this growth streak stage and i can feel myself learning and thinking about things differently. a lot of it has to do with where i am and i think it validates my hypothesis that i can only get better by being around by people who are more experienced than me in certain areas. i think i am gaining the skills and influence and communication and leadership to be more effective and yet i am hungry so god damn hungry to be doing. i need to continue to moderate this and be honest and compassionate with myself, and pace things. take things in quarters, k. 

i think the best way you can add value is often by asking the right or different questions. we are all overstimulated and so we want someone to make us think differently. everyone loves a contrarian...

i think i need to be less social. and just spend time with myself? or focus more. i don’t think i want to meet people just to meet people. but there is the pull of being present, of yes, living.

i think being around super ambitious people corrupts the mind. like i don’t care how many people went to gsb. i don’t care if you went but it seems that is the orientation towards success. there is a part of me that wants to be young and live and free and there is a part of me that could live well without it and just focus and work. since i am not killing myself doing my own thing now i think i could be better suited to just enjoying and living life because being an entrepreneur means ridiculous stress and anxiety and pressure and i want that but i know it will destroy me. so is it ok now to live? i think i am afraid i will get too comfortable, enjoy life too much, is it destructive to question having those things?

i wish i could escape from social media and all the social comparisons for a bit. it is the most strenuous and exhausting part of being a young person today and i cannot be good and i cannot create things on my own if i am always in that frame of mind. 

she went to take a sip of her coffee, but it was too hot, too soon, so she pulled back.

“oh, really, that’s great. you love that. about what?”

“about us.”

he looked up from his phone, put it down, turned the screen to the table. 

“what about us?”

she shifted a bit in the chair, found her gaze traveling to the couple peering over the menu at the table next to her. perhaps from an outsider’s perspective, they didn’t look that different. he was next to her, but he wasn’t hers. that was the difference.

she didn’t have a good response, even though she knew the answer. if they didn’t talk about it, she could convince herself it was a non-issue. she could convince herself things were okay, things were the way they should be.

“we could have been something.”

the words hung in the space between them, floating gently, waiting.

he nodded, sat back in his chair. his fingers stretched towards his phone but pulled back. 

“i can’t be something for you. you know that. i’ll only let you down.” 

she knew he was being honest and she could not fault him for that. she remembered, this, the missing, the wondering, the waiting, as much as she remembered the way he held her hand in the park last night, suspended in quiet, the two of them by the fountain, her head in his lap, and just beyond his gaze -- the stars. it was so quiet that late at night, she didn’t want to disturb the peace. there was an urgency to make the most of the moment and so he kissed her harder and she wanted more as much as she wanted it to end. she could never get used to it, the abruptness in the way they transitioned, from together to separate. 

at some point what could be wouldn’t be enough for what was. at some point she would not take this half love anymore.

“i know.”

can you feel distant from everyone even when you go through these motions that bring you closer? sex and drugs and drinking and intimate conversations, all these things just make me feel further from you and its not for a lack of trust or desire, at least i really don’t think so. i don’t think so.

it’s perhaps a knowing that you will never be what i fully need you will never be the person i can rely on and i don’t want to change you and i don’t want to wait for you to change. ok this sounds like a trust issue.

if the point is just to have fun then i guess it is okay but it does not make me feel good this kind of fun so perhaps there really is no point and it is a waste of my time?

i don’t want to want you

i want to walk away in the other direction

i want to walk by you in the street and i want you to break from the pain

of watching me go