Ms. NightinGail

Tori: Malay ko ba kung depende sa photosynthesis ang pagiging ano mo

Jude: WHAT? Anong kinalaman ng photosynthesis sa akin? Ano ako halaman?

Ang pagtitiwala ay parang pagmamahal ng husto, puwede kang mabulag sa maling katotohanan. Okay lang ang magmahal at magtiwala pero hindi dapat tayo mabulagan dahil mas masakit ‘yon.

The thing about lies. At first, lies are told to fool others but eventually end up fooling themselves.

Being sick has limits but fear is limitless... Don’t be a wuss.

No matter how many times you got pushed down, keep working hard as you do now.

Have you ever felt like you did all of your best but still it’s not good enough? Like you do something that never meant for you?

I do. And it is not a good feeling. I feel down, I felt suffocated as if I’m a prisoner locked up in a dusky prison that no light can even infiltrate.

I felt bitter, jealous and anger enveloped my heart.

This happened last year, 2020.

I have a friend, a very good friend in college and our friendship remain even though we graduated. One day, she started doing what I’m doing. Writing.

When I knew it, I felt happy because I know that she has a potential on it.

At first I supported her, on and off the camera. I promoted her stories even though she didn’t knew about it.

Months past, she began to make a name in the writing industry. She gained readers, supporters, and every ones love her stories.

That’s when my problem rose. She gained readers and I gained not. She gained votes and followers and I gained not. I thought of myself as a BIG FAILURE that time.

This was the time that I felt jealousy towards her. I kept on asking myself…

“What did I do wrong?”

“Why did she get what I was working for the past ten years?”

“Why did everyone loves her stories and not mine?”

“Am I not good enough?”

“Is writing not for me?”

“Am I a trying hard writer?”

Those were the thoughts that kept me awake at night. I felt bitter and angry towards my friend. I let the negative feeling enclosed all of my system and because of that I shut her out of my life. I didn’t talk with her for the whole year and I think of her as my rival.

I shut everyone in my life, for the whole year I kept myself in great solitude. That affected not only my personal life but also myself as a writer. I kept on comparing… comparing… comparing that I didn’t finish a single novel last year.

Because I let that negative ate me, I can’t find satisfactions in what I do to the extent that I nearly loose my grip on my dream to be an author.

Now, that I take a looked at what I let myself do last year. I realized that it was wrong. All wrong.

I shouldn’t let myself discern that negative feeling inside me. Not only I hurt myself in isolation because of those thoughts that slowly eating me I also lost a good friend.

I lost focus on what I really love. That’s writing.

Instead of making myself improve in the craft I focus myself on hating and comparing myself to others accomplishments and that will I do this year. I will focus on self-improvement and move aside the negative vibes. As for me and my friend. We reconcile before 2020 ends.

As for you who read this, don’t let yourself feel this negative feeling, It will only inflict pain in yourself and to those who really cares for you. If you think that you’re still not enough.

Assess yourself. I’m sure that you just lack on some parts of the process. If you knew what is it. Think of ways to improve it and don’t ever give up.

As I look to the people behind the cold bars. One woman caught my attention. She was in the corner of her jail while staring into nothing. I got curious about her and so I asked the warden about her case.

The warden said that she killed her own husband and it came up to me that we are just the same as her. MURDERER. KILLER. MANSLAYER.

We had murdered people without us knowing. We tend to kill someone not with our bare hands but through thoughts, words and actions.

Thoughts. Admit it or not sometimes you think something bad to your colleagues especially when you feel like you are being step down. Minds are the most powerful part of a human body. Your thought become your words and your words become your actions. Words. Words can be as dreadful as knife. BULLYING is one example. Either written or spoken.

Malandi... Walang kwenta... Sipsip... Panget...

These words are most common. We say these to those people that annoyed us without knowing where they came through. We have this common habit of judging someone we don’t understand or those people that violates our mores. By this WE ARE KILLING THEM LITTLE BY LITTLE to the extent that they suicide. We are killing their own personality. We deteriorate them into pieces. Adjudge them without seeing our own derelictions.

Actions.

“You commit sin if you done it.” It’s what they say but that’s wrong concept. We started to commit sin in our minds.

Thus, I admit I have killed many people in my way… and sadly one of them was a friend of mine. I let anger win over me so I said many terrible things to her causing her to took away her own life. I may not kill her literally but I caused her to do it. I killed her first. I am a murderer. I accepted and repented it.

So now is your turn to accept it also. That you, yourself is a killer too. Who will say no? I will call him a hypocrite. I know somehow you already felt this… you already thought of this. You already showed this. Right. You are a MURDERER… Everyone of us.

We are, just like the woman behind the bars only the differences is that she was in bar while we’re not.

But we still have a CHANCE to change this into something better we could be. We can be something opposite of a murderer. That only start if we show HUMANITY. If we learned to love those people around us.