my darling

But most cultures around the world genuinely do not care if people damage their own children. We don't really hold parents accountable for the damage they do: everything is very centered on "oh, being a mother is so hard!" and "they give you a roof over your head and three meals a day!" and "other children have it worse!" It's assumed that any damage they inflict on you was either an innocent mistake or a completely justified. Their mere status as The Parents grants them a HUGE degree of social goodwill, and even kids who were objectively ABUSED are expected to grit their teeth and "forgive" because, well, she's Your Mom, he's Your Dad.

I have seen children be left in physically unsafe homes because their parents' desire to retain custody was prioritized over their LITERAL ACTUAL LIVES. I have seen children laughed at while they tearfully describe their abuse and be told to their faces that the "privilege" of being allowed to beat your children is the only good part of being a parent. I have seen children be told that they are OBLIGATED to forgive parents who starved and molested and choked them because "you can't choose family".

Which brings me back to Laxmi and Ravi.

Yes, Laxmi is going through a terrible thing. But Ravi is going through something worse. Ravi's brain has been violated and re-written, possibly permanently. The infection that rewrote him posed a clear and present threat to his life and he survived through LUCK. His childhood has been stolen, his connection to his culture has been rendered meaningless, HIS PERSONALITY HAS BEEN CHANGED.

And Laxmi has decided to accept THIS version of her child. The version who is quiet and respectful and never complains or asks annoying questions and wants to be oh-so-helpful. As an autistic child who's mother hated them for being on the spectrum and openly wished for any solution to make me "normal" and easier to "manage", that story-beat is difficult to wrestle with. Because yes, you can argue that she has no choice. But Ravi had even less of one. And there is no getting around the fact that Ravi as he is now makes her job as "mom" much easier.

I keep making comparisons to housewives lobotomized in the 50s: they weren't "themselves" anymore, but because they were less "difficult", it was assumed to be a good thing. A lack of individual will and personality was not considered a good enough reason to NOT lobotomize your mentally ill family member.

Unlike a lobotomy, however, this might be reversible. And again, I know most of us are very sympathetic to Laxmi. But can we spare a few moments thought for RAVI? If he comes out of this, he will remember his mother interacting with the shell of his invaded body as it were him. He will remember his mother accepting this pacified, sanitized version of him with barely a complaint. He will remember his mother choosing not to fight for him, and he has no obligation to forgive her for that.

How is he supposed to trust her when she insists that she loves the warts-and-all version of him just as much as her happy little helper? How is he supposed to do anything but scoff when she claims she'd do anything for him? How is he not supposed to go "some rich white stranger from America got angrier about what they did to me than you did" whenever they get into a fight because he feels unloved?

When a surgeon does their best and a patient dies anyway, the medical board investigates and holds them accountable. When an engineer does their best and the building collapses anyway, someone investigates and holds them accountable. When a parent does their best and their child ends up traumatized anyway, we all blow it off like it's no big deal. The "sorrow" and "regret" they express (not necessarily feel, but express) is treated as the only payment that needs to be extracted. Never mind the years lost to addiction and mental instability, your mom did her best, why do you think you have the right to be mad at her?