summary: this textpost + natasha romanoff + vormir= endless suffering. (gender neutral reader)
a/n: missing my wife. again. requests are open!!!
the water pools around your suit and makes the fabric stick to your skin. you punch it and it causes a ripple in the liquid surrounding you.
you clench your jaw and close your eyes tightly in frustration— and something you cannot yet name.
the watch on your wrist makes a noise, letting you know it’s time to go back. standing up, you clutch the stone tightly in your hand and prepare yourself for the strange sensation of time traveling.
it takes only a second, or a thousand, and then you’re at the platform in the compound, the avengers surrounding you. they all check each other for injuries, not noticing the absence yet.
the first one to do, always, is steve.
days pass, in which tony’s funeral takes place and steve prepares himself to return the stones. you already know he’s not coming back. maybe all of it will change when you bring her back.
the day comes and bucky and sam say their goodbyes, only one of them with the knowledge that it’s forever. bruce fiddles with the controls and in the blink of an eye, steve is gone. before he can come back, you step onto the platform with your own control and press it before they can say anything about it.
“see you in a minute.” she smiles softly at steve and then grabs your hand. “ready?”
you take in a deep breath.
the journey to vormir is the same as always. nat hugs rhodey and wishes everyone good luck. then she looks at you softly and stands at your side.
“you nervous?” she asks teasingly. you huff.
“oh not at all. just usual world saving stuff.” you tell her and she giggles. she only ever made that sound with you. you’ve heard this exact giggle so many times already, but you’ll never get sick of it.
your heart twists in your chest like every other time it happens.
“no-“ you sob. “please, hold on.”
“its okay.” she reassures you.
you wake up in the colorful pond again. this time, like many others, you’re crying. you wipe the tears roughly and clench your jaw. you won’t give up.
the purple hue of vormir engulfs you both. you’ve been here so many times, times in which you tried winning the fight against her, in which you pleaded with her to not sacrifice herself in a thousand different ways. there’s always something you miss; a kick, a punch, a kiss.
because this time you’re sacrificing yourself before she can even realize what you’re doing. this was a last resort, since you didn’t want her to carry that sort of grief unexplained. but it was something that had to be done. she needed to live.
as soon as you reach the cliff, you take a deep breath. you’re about to die, and yet, the comfort of knowing she will live stops you from feeling any sort of fear.
you look at her one last time.
“i’m sorry nat. read my letter.”
and you take off running.
you hear her scream your name as you fall in slow motion. and you can’t help but smile.
a splash of water resounds around you. your heart falls to your stomach when you realize what’s happening. it didn’t work. your breath heaves and you start clawing at your throat in desperation. the watch beeps and you know in a second you’ll have to watch grief overtake the team. you can’t do it again. god, why can’t you fix it?
your eyes fall on steve and in a matter of one second you watch as realization washes over his features.
the next couple of times, you plead again and again. you cry, you beg, you desperately try to make her understand that she can’t come back after, but every time, without fail, she jumps.
the journey to vormir is the same as always. nat hugs rhodey and wishes everyone good luck. then she looks at you softly and stands at your side.
“you nervous?” she asks teasingly. you huff.
“oh not at all. just usual world saving stuff.” you tell her and she giggles.
when you reach the top of the mountain, the usual purple hue engulfs you both. but instead of pleading, or fighting, or dying, you take a seat on a rock and look at her. she frowns.
“what are you doing? we have to get the stone.”
“i know. just need to sit for a second. come sit with me.”
“y/n, there’s no time.” her expression is baffled. you were always so mission focused, never failing. a bitter laugh escapes you at that thought.
“believe me, there is time. endless amounts of it.”
“you’re scaring me.” you look at her and smile softly.
“come on, sit.” and she does, slowly. you stare out at the distance. “you know, you always say that. see you in a minute. i hate it, it’s not true.”
she tilts her head, confused.
“and every time, without fail, you tell me to let you go. that’s it’s okay. but it’s not.”
there’s a contemplative silence after that. then, she takes a deep, slow breath.
“you’ve lived through this.” she says, more statement that question. you turn to her, biting your lip and nodding. “w-why?” she asks and you love her for it, for asking the right question.
“cause i can’t let you go.”
understanding crosses her beautiful features.
“mine.” she says. you look at her, distraught.
“i’ve tried so many different ways. but i fail. every time.”
“maybe it’s because it’s not supposed to be any other way.”
“i can’t accept that.” you shake your head.
“no, nat, you don’t understand! a soul for a soul is bullshit, when it takes yours it takes mine too!” that shuts her up.
for a few moments you both look out into the distance. tears stream down your face.
“i love you,” she says, “more than anything. you’re my person. and i know i’m yours.” she pauses, and smiles softly at you. “so we’ll meet again, it doesn’t matter where or when, we will.”
“you don’t know that.” you whisper, broken. she looks at you.
“y/n, we will. and we’ll laugh about this. about a time when we had to be apart.”
“nat-“ a devastating sob escapes you. “nat, i can’t. i can’t live without you.”
“of course you can.” she tells you. “you’ll just sleep through the night better now that i won’t be kicking you while mumbling in russian.” a watery laugh escapes you. her expression turns serious and she grabs your face with both her hands. “you need to stop trying to save me. there’s a world out there that needs you, and you need to let me go.”
your features contort in pain, and you put your forehead against hers, holding her cheeks in your palm.
“i love you.” you tell her, your entire body shaking. “i don’t know how i’ll-“
“lean on the team. lean on yelena. tell her i love her and keep going forward.” natasha takes a deep shaky breath before kissing you. her lips are chapped and you cry into the kiss, knowing that feeling will haunt you forever. she will. “its okay. i love you.”
she pulls away and stands up. you can’t move as you watch her walk towards the edge of the cliff.
before she jumps, she turns around, smiles at you and says:
