any of yaâll out here know about Pirates of Penzance
its a musical play from the 1800s about a kid called Fredrick whoâs been interning on a pirate ship and heâs just turned 21 so heâs leaving them to be a Law Abiding Citizen and vows to slay them all, to which they reply âyeah fair enoughâ
But first heâs got to become a Real Man and get married, and because heâs never seen a woman in his life except for his 47 year old nursery maid Ruth, heâs fine with marrying her, which is great for her because sheâs a bit past Prime Marrying Age, but the minute he sees a group of like 12 young women having a private party on the beach he immediately calls her an old ugly bitch and spends the next 10 minutes begging each one like a little gremlin to marry him.
They all say no because theyâre not stupid. Except Miss Love Interest Mabel, who enters stage right and shatters everyone eardrums with her singing voice. She publicly shames her sisters for not marrying the little beach gremlin and says that she will Do Her Duty and marry the literal stranger. So thats great.
The pirates then come back to see the group of women and immediately capture them with the intention of taking them back to their ship andâŚâŚmarrying them, of course, but in the nick of time their doddering old father arrives and persuades the pirates to let them go because heâs a poor orphan boy (heâs rich and like 70). The pirates are moved to tears by this and let everyone go after singing about how beautiful poetry is (?).
In act 2, Fredrick has hired some policemen and is about to march against the pirates when Ruth, bitter af about getting ditched, appears with the pirate captain and tells Fredrick that according to his intern contract heâs technically still a pirate because it was supposed to be until his 21st birthday and actually he was born on the 29th of February on a leap year, so TECHNICALLY heâs only had 5 birthdays.
Fredrick is SHOCKED AND APPALLED, and tells Mabel that they canât marry after all and he HAS to go back to the pirates, to which Mabel says âyou know thats literally the stupidest thing ive ever heardâ and he says âbut its my DUTY Mabel, bye Iâll see you in 1940âł so she says âaww kk byeâ
Also because heâs a pirate again, he reveals that the father isnât an orphan at all, and he lied about it, and the pirates are SHOCKED AND APPALLED, and so they set about sneaking into the fatherâs estate and shanking him, so after a lot of singing and dancing about they arrive at the estate and confront him
âPLease save me Fredrickâ says the father. âI literally canât,â replies Fredrick, âThereâs just no way i can stop doing what Iâm doing.â At this point the policemen, who have done nothing so far except sing about how much they hate their job, arrive and fight the pirates, losing in about 0.005 seconds.Â
âBUT WAITâ says the police sergeant. âwhat if i told youâŚâŚyouâre making Queen Victoria sadâ. âo shitâ replies the pirates, surrendering immediately.Â
âBUT WAITâ says Ruth,âwhat if i told youâŚ.theyre all the sons of Noblemen, theyre just in their pirate phaseâ. âo shitâ replies everyone, letting the pirates go immediately.Â
The play ends with Frederick marrying Mabel, the pirates-turned-noblemen getting off scot-free and marrying her sisters, and Ruth marrying either the police sergeant or the pirate captain or nobody depending on the version.
Basically this is the greatest story of all time and you can listen to the whole think on youtube here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp9pKUca_JY