The fine line between genius and profanity.

So, I've just continued to apply for jobs. I've filled out at least 10 more applications in the last few days. I've submitted well over a hundred in the past 6 months with little to no movement. Having zero income is more stressful than I can possibly express. The only reason I am not still living in my van is because I met a landlord with several properties who is one of the most altruistic people I've ever met, and has been letting me stay in a unit that is allocated to be remodeled. I am very lucky to say that he is a close friend now, and without him, I'd be SOL.

I'm tired all of the time. The act of having to put myself out there on a daily basis and get rejected time and time and time again is extremely disheartening. The plight of living in a small town to be close to my daughter until I can fight for custody, which I just will not be in a place to do until I have an income. It's all tied together, and just none of it is moving.

I don't have many friends anymore. I don't have people I hang out with on a regular basis, or really ever. I have two people I talk to on a daily basis; my sister and my daughter. No one checks in on me, no one offers to visit, no one calls. It's overwhelmingly lonely.

It's a Saturday, the weather is beautiful, but my gas tank is on empty and my tire is flat, so it looks like another day rotting in the apartment. Which I am, again, very thankful for, but I'm nomadic by nature. I need to be to out experiencing new things and places, or I stagnate. My weight is out of control at this point, because I'm so freaking depressed that some days it's hard to move. Some days it's hard to breathe. Some days it's he's to just be awake.

Lost both of my parents well before 40. Each of my sisters lives in a different state. I've lost the majority of my RL friends in the process of divorcing my abusive ex-husband, and the horrible aftermath of that.

God, I wish it were easier to find community these days. So often I spend most of my time in my apartment, by myself, as I continue desperately applying for jobs. I don't have money to go places or do things, and I live an hour away from where I grew up to remain close to my daughter.

And it's hard not to get crushed. I'm trying really, really hard. I still do my best to make people smile or laugh when I do manage to have social interactions. I try to force myself to get out of the house at least once a day if for no other reason than to get fresh air. But, it's still hard when it's mostly just you.

But, until I find a cult or commune to join, I'm going to try to start posting here more often, if as nothing more than a basic blog. I can't really claim I have anything of value to say, but I do have a lot I need to get out of my over-crowded brain.

This isn't the picture I wanted to post, but I can't figure out how to remove it, so... Yeah. Speaking of not knowing how to internet. 😂

What I would like to manifest for myself : a place to live, a steady income, and to surround myself with people who don't carry judgement of people's circumstances without understanding that some things are simply outside of our realm of control.

Been a vagrant for going on 9 months now... It's worn me down a bit.

If anyone wants to support me where social services have failed in getting me out of my dire straits, my CashApp handle is $SassyVagrant .

If not, I just want to give the blanket statement that none of us really ever has a full grasp on what each other are going through; my circumstances are not unique, but the shortcomings in the proverbial "System" are an insipid quagmire of barriers and hurdles that so many under-resourced people are struggling daily to overcome, and often failing because of how demonized words like "homeless" and "unemployed" have become.

I've gone through entirely too much hell to allow anyone write me off as "lazy" because, in spite of my best efforts, I am still stuck in a less than ideal situation. It certainly is not for lack of trying, and no one(or really very few) people are unhoused and/or under-resourced because they choose to be. And yes, sometimes it happens as a result of less than stellar life choices.

However, whatever a person's circumstances may be, no one should be deprived of having their absolutely basic needs met. No one should be stuck for days, months, years, begging for help and given the runaround.

We are all still humans. Humans with stories, and lives, and hopes, and dreams. I was born at a disadvantage; I was born into a poor family. I went to schools in low-income districts. By default, I did not have access to the resources many do, and yet I can still recognize there are many who were born with even large disadvantages than I had... But, that is another subject entirely.

There's no way this can be real... Right?!

Clearly, the system is very fucking broken. Most rooms for rent cost more than an entire apartment would have not long ago. If you can't buy a house, you're looking at spending $600+ for a room, and at least $1100 for an actual apartment, most likely a studio.

This is absolutely insane. Things feel kind of hopeless right now. In addition to saving up what money I can from working less hours than I was given the impression I would be, I'm also forced to deal with my abuser on a regular basis who still seems to only view his child as something he owns and can do with as he pleases. I still have no solid idea of my next steps, and having to interact with him on any level completely drains my already low energy levels.

What is the state of our world when empathy and compassion seem to be so fundamentally lacking? I ask this not just in regards to my own life and experiences, but in what I'm seeing roll across my screen on here on a daily basis.

How is it that we live in a world where if you don't meet a set of arbitrary standards(i.e. socioeconomic background), you're deemed undeserving of having even your most basic needs met? How are those with comfortable or affluent lifestyles so willing to simply overlook those who are struggling? How can people be so callous when the gap between the "haves" and the "have nots" continues to grow into a chasm?

I have a feeling my depression isn't just a result of my own direct struggles... The energy of the collective is so very heavy right now. I have a feeling that many lightworkers, energy workers, healers, etc. are likely all taking a hit from it. I imagine I'm not alone in my struggles feeling insurmountable - it seems to be a theme that those of us who can feel the energies around us the way we do tend to have a lot more hurdles to clear than those who don't.

The irony of being made to raise the collective vibration while simultaneously just trying to continue living in spite of circumstances absolutely and relentlessly crushing you is not lost on me. And still, I ask - beg, really - for Spirit to guide me to where I need to go. I plead for some relief; to have the people I need to meet to move things forward in my life to be put in my path so I can do just that, and I feel abandoned in a way that I've never felt before. I still see synchronicities all the time - I still feel like Spirit is sending me signs to say "You're getting there, I'm with you," but yet I'm still stuck.

I imagine my vibration is quite low at this point, and I know that what you send out is what you receive back. Like attracts life. But how am I supposed to keep a high vibration when horrible things have been regularly happening to me for years now, and continue to happen? How am I meant to help anyone else when every step I take to help myself leads to something pushing me two steps backward? How am I meant to connect with others in any meaningful way when it seems like my entire life, I've been surrounded by people who think that I'm worthless?

This took a pretty sharp turn midway through... But when the words start to pour out I tend to just wait and see where they go. I have truly been through hell and back several times it seems, and Satan just keeps pulling me back under. (I mean this metaphorically of course, as I don't really believe in hell or it's affiliates, lol.)

I'm just exhausted, and I know so many others are, too. So many are carrying this burden, yet those who have the power to help choose not to. Matter of fact, our country elected one of the most callous and selfish individuals in the public eye to run the country. That not only speaks levels about where our society is currently stagnant, but where many of it's constituents stand.