Fantasies Dressed Up In Travesties

1. Most likely to be involved in Quizlet

2. Useless

3. Blank (as in “clinical psychologists are”)

4. How many clinical psychologists are there in the U.S.?

I didn’t get many fun ones but the top one is definitely true for me (though I’m pretty sure it is just someone searching for an answer to a very particular question that happens to be on Quizlet). I also like Factacular. 

Plz remember that ppl with adhd (and probably some other disorders) are slow to process things. So if we ask you to repeat something 100 times its not cuz we wanna piss you off or that we cant hear you. Its just that we havent processed what you said so your words sound all garbly and make no sense.

1. I apologize that I thought it was an pro-ana blog. As you have read above, yes, I have survived an eating disorder. I’m not just some random creep that’s like “oh stupid little girl just wants attention.” That’s a wrong thing I would never say for a number of reasons. However, when I see a blog with your title and that you are still actively trying to lose weight (and it’s even in your blog description), and the sexualized pictures of thin women, that’s a bit concerning. Maybe blogs like this are a concept on Tumblr that I have not yet heard of, which is not out of the realm of possibility because I was not on Tumblr when I had mine (and thank fucking god...look at me I can swear too).So as you could imagine, as someone who has survived an eating disorder, I would have seen this name and bio and thought that if someone tried to tell me it wasn’t pro-ana, this type of conversation would ensue, but with EDs as an topic:

Person: The sky is a cool color that many cultures find to be serene. It is the same color as we are taught water is, and it is the same color as Tumblr.

Me: So what you are saying is the sky is blue?

Person: Oh, woah woah there! I never said the sky is blue! You jumped to that crazy conclusion on your own! Get a life!

And again, as someone who survived an eating disorder, of course I would dissociate (for lack of a better term) and stop reading there. I did not pick up again until you responded of course and that was hard. You can lecture me all you want about judging a book by its cover and how I’m clearly stupid/deserving of an ED and as bad as the girls that bully you (and as someone who has been a kid with an eating disorder, there is a large chance they exist). But 1. I’m not excusing my post, I’m merely explaining it and 2. Your response indicated that you would not have guessed that I had an eating disorder and maybe the first thought on your mind wasn’t that possibility but self-defense? That’s fine. But it’s also proof that we all judge.

2. Your response definitely indicates that you are still struggling. I know, I know. Tone policing sucks. I’m not telling what to post, what to name your blog, what memes to make (responding to your hashtags of “I hate this so much” and “let me make my ed memes in peace”) or how to respond to things. But my post was about how people could take the meme the wrong way. Whether or not you are classified as a pro-ana blog, they’re probably reblogging it, too, and I didn’t think of that when I responded to the post, but if you do wonder what I meant by it, that was in my response as well. 

Instead of wondering “Hmmmm.......is there anything that I am doing that could possibly make others think I’m considered a pro-ana blog? Even something as surface level as my name and bio?” you got really defensive, which may or may not partially be because you didn’t know I had an ED at any point. Maybe the argument remains that you did give it thought, which is why you said that you didn’t give advice or tag your posts that way. But I also doubt that you thought to yourself “Hmmm....am I conveying the message I want to convey?” And to me, it sounds like as much as this is your personal blog, you do have a following, so it is a question that may come up. 

To me, this definitely indicates that you were-as the blog I found this on suggests-abused. Many of us are. Our first instinct is to become defensive when we are being accused, even if “accused” is a strong word for what we are met with. Sometimes, while this is an all-too-human response, it is not the best one. And it is hard to see that when one is constantly put on the defensive. I know I didn’t even realize this was the case for me until I was prepared to defend myself against someone and debate them about how something wasn’t my fault for once and they just responded “you’re right. I’m sorry”. And so yeah....I believe you, not that I had any reason not to even if you were pro-ana. If you’re anything like I was, this makes you proud in a sick sense.

3. “Going back to the “let me make my ed memes in peace tag”. I want to reinforce that I never told you what to do at any point in this. Read it carefully because at some points I’m sure it can come across like I told you what to do (e.g. mentioning how the blog name came off). But I did not. I merely offered a perspective. I was concerned because others did not know what they were getting into, pro-ana or not. And it was more of an insult to them for not knowing/caring than it was to you. I didn’t express it in a super saccharine, aesthetic “self-care mention” type way but I meant it regardless. 

Why do I care so much about this particular point (besides the fact that my argument was distorted intentionally or otherwise)?

I have many friends with bipolar disorder. One would also use dark humor to cope. It is fine to use dark humor to cope. But one day an acquaintance of ours chatted with her boyfriend and told him to make her stop posting. I found this interesting because she would rather suppress someone who is struggling and think they’re happy than to be able to see that they’re struggling statically and know that that’s how they express themselves when they are. 

What I’m trying to say (since “do not compare me to that” is truthful but inappropriate here) is that dark humor can be taken the wrong way for a variety of reasons, and if so, it’s a miracle you haven’t gotten more comments like mine. It’s not really anyone’s fault; even offline, it’s hard to read the room. If you’ve read MY blog-and I don’t blame you that you haven’t- you’d see that I’m mildly autistic, as many people with EDs are. So I know this well. 

Besides, in addition to regular dark humor, we have people doing things “ironically” when they are actually doing things unironically but saying they’re doing it ironically because they think that it won’t be judged if people think they aren’t serious. Since I know my point will probably be distorted again, I will say that no, this does not necessarily describe you on any level. But you may or may not be able to see how someone can mistake the two.

More importantly, if you had read my blog-and again, not blaming you for not doing that because I post lots-you would see that I see posts from many ED blogs, all of which before this were actually pro-ana, that get thrown around like they’re some cute little thing that people are supposed to mutter “lol same” to when they don’t really mean it like that and are not paying attention to the person struggling behind the post. If you’re anything like I was, you like control, and then all of the sudden you have to prepare for meaning to be distorted because it’s the internet and people can do what they want, but it still sucks. 

4. While I’m at it, I’m going to paraphrase/quote a post that has been my favorite since I came on here: It’s okay to seek validation. It is so often withheld from us that it is the first step to our goal of recovery. And that being said, the goal is recovery and not to seek more and more validation. Like I said at the beginning of this long post, I’m not going to tell you “oh my god this girl is an attention whore” because that is the last thing someone in our position needs to be told, and it’s wrong for a variety of reasons. One reason is that there is nothing wrong with seeking attention, especially not that “long sought after validation that our loved ones never gave us”. But if we just keep seeking validation, for us that would just mean hurting ourselves more and more and not getting help (and I feel the need to leave the disclaimer that help can come in many forms and not necessarily just therapy).

And I know that after I kept seeking validation for a long time, it just meant nothing and it was not the solution to my problem. The entire point of the validation is that it just tells you that it’s possible to have the problem and/or that having the problem is a common response that people in your situation may have. You may not be able to solve your problem yet, which is why your blog bio says you’re still trying to lose weight. It might not happen immediately. 

This part #4 may not apply to you depending on how you define seeking help (even if it is this blog). I’m just posting it for the people who are pro-ana and reblogged and are not seeking help. Besides, no matter what you classify your blog as, there is definitely an anti-recovery community on Tumblr that needs to hear it. They would tell me that I don’t know anything despite having struggled myself and having a degree indicating that maybe I know something after all. 

Awaiting an angry reply calling me “retarded” or “pretentious”

So for those of you who don’t know (a disclaimer I leave because I’ve gone through a few related horror stories before), I knew what Harvard was when I was 5 and I knew I was supposed to want to go there. I wasn’t like one of those kids who willingly went along with it or was the golden child who blindly followed, deciding that going to Harvard was good for me just because it was Harvard; that was my brother. And that’s not to say that he had it any better than I did (well, not to a great extent), but that’s a different rant.

The thing is, I was diagnosed as developmentally delayed at age 6. This does not mean I couldn’t be smart or go to an Ivy (assuming that’s the end-all be-all?!). It would just make it harder. But to my mom it was the end of the world. She stopped investing time in me and I pretty much had to find my own motivation, as my dad is scared of her and he’s not home a lot due to work.

Also, she had a way of expecting nothing of me and telling me I’d never amount to anything, yet not ignoring me completely so that she could still be upset with me for not meeting her standards. That may not make sense, but what I mean is instead of saying “oh you didn’t succeed, I’m not surprised” in a dull tone or saying nothing at all, she’d say it with more spite or instead say “how dare you not succeed” as if she ever expected me to. I’ll get to my theory on this later. I would look at the pressure she put on my brother and wonder if he was luckier and I thought “maybe a little, but not too much.”

By the way, at age 21 I learned that I was autistic all along......the sensory impairment I have makes me have more in common with super tasters than the average person.... so I was eating frozen dinners in my room alone for years- because that’s all I could stomach without gagging it up - and my parents thought that I was a brat when I just had taste bud problems I couldn’t control. Yes, my mom decided to make everything about her and would wail “OH WHY DO YOU HATE MY COOKING”

Why is this in any way relevant to this post? Well.....

Anyone who knows my mom or anyone like her knows that she has well-hidden low self-esteem. She put so much pressure on my brother and I at an early age because she was well aware of what others thought of her and a bit too desperate to control it. So much so that she tried to control us too much. This also classifies as narcissism. And it explains why she put pressure on my brother and wanted the world to know that she didn’t think as highly of me because my disability automatically meant I was a slacker, yet she still wanted me to achieve and look good enough so that she looked good.

People that know her well enough (not many people) suspect that her parents were sucky to her, too. Therefore, they might try to justify the fact that she was abusive and think that she couldn’t be because she was abusive. Most people who are abused don’t go on to become abusers, but every now and again some behaviors we develop to survive our own abuse wind up being toxic to others. This is such a case.

Was she responding to hyper-critical people that should not have been so hyper-critical? Yes.

Was it true that maybe she herself had been dealt a bad hand at life in regards to her own parenting? Maybe.

Was it true that she didn’t know I was autistic? Yes, but it was suspected. She knew I had a disability and it’s not my fault she considered disability and slacker to be synonymous when they aren’t. Also, I’ve seen people respond better when they think their kids are slacking. Hell, I’ve seen people respond better when something bothers their kids but they don’t know whether or not it’s a disability.

None of this “oh but she had it bad once too” justifies anything she did, and maybe she deserves some sort of sympathy for what she went through, but she continues to be emotionally abusive and manipulative to this day and for the longest time, she didn’t even start to realize how abusive she was because she thought she was just merely “trying to give us opportunities she didn’t have” (which is legit, but again, I’ve seen people be better about it), “just holding us to high standards because she cares” or “just trying to show other parents she was good enough” (a phrase she shamelessly said without even realizing that she sounded like a wannabe helicopter parent..... and this is a woman who makes fun of helicopter parents). And this is assuming she thought about it. Most of the time she didn’t think.  And people like this need to feel bad about it no matter what they’ve been through.

I’ll never know if she’s changed-as she has a little- just because she has matured or because I have actually achieved something (it’s not Harvard but it’s a great school for my program). She was worried about college all along so that could have relieved her stress a bit and she could still be just as bad as before.