stayfrostaay

I lost a friend, yet she’s still there. Hard to explain, but not seeing someone for three days when you’ve spent like 6 months together spending hours everyday in and after school. She calls you her best friend, saying not just a classmate, but a real friend. But three days passed by and not a single text, not a dm, not anything since then. I’m dying inside wanting to text you, message you, call you, but I feel like maybe we need the space? Maybe it’s healthier that we give each other a little space. Or is this just what I was expecting for us to happen when you finished your term. Are you just another facebook memory?

When I say Facebook memory, what I mean by that is that Facebook likes to share a memory you used to have with someone in the past, whether it was like a year ago or 12 years ago. I always get facebook memories of people I used to fuck with, people that I would consider my close friends, people I loved talking to to make my days better. But that’s why I call it just “another facebook memory”. Cause those people who were once part of my life, I don’t hear from them anymore, I don’t see them anymore. I didn’t want her to be just another facebook memory. I’m just feeling emotional right now.

Me: Why?

I’m in class right now and I’m on my laptop in the student lounge. I just got my laptop back from my friend and I can’t focus right now to do my major project. So, I’m going to write out some of my thoughts I have right now. I came in an hour late in class today because I needed to get gas for my car and to get an oil change, but honestly that stuff could’ve waited till after school. I mainly didn’t come to class to avoid you. I can’t shake the fact that you’re someone else than I thought, but also that you have a couple more weeks left to hang out and I feel like it’s easier this way to make the transition of you leaving. I come to class and don’t say hi to you when I get to class anymore. I want to make a point that I am giving you some kind of attitude, and I hope you picked up on that. I still think you’re an awesome friend so I can’t help but talk to you later.

During first break, I try to avoid you but I still say hi. You seem like something is bothering you, I know I’ve been wrong like 99% of the time of what’s been bothering you so I’m not going to assume what is bothering you this time. I don’t ask. You make fun of me by saying that I look like the emo Toby McGuire today because of how I look, which is pretty dead on by the way of how I do look today. I tell you, “That’s mean, don’t talk to me, I hate you.” Just to give you a bit of playfulness that I’m not totally an ass ignoring you.

Second break, I go sit with the boys in the student lounge and I see you walk straight into the Resource Center. I thought that was kind of odd since doing that move is straight isolation. I saw you pulling up your sleeve and I see a giant bandage around your arm. I don’t know what’s going on so I decide to get myself involved. I enter the room and ask you what’s going on, you tell me that you’re telling people that “It’s sprained from lifting a fridge” and you want me to tell people that if people ask to tell them that as well. I’m hella confused why you told me that and still am. You unwrap the bandage and adjust it, I help you put it back on and I don’t know why you have that and don’t want to tell me what’s going on with you. It’s not like you’re scared of telling me anything, so why are you scared to tell me what’s going on with you now? You drop that shattering image breaking thing you did to me, but for some reason you decide to keep this a secret. You told me that tomorrow you are talking to some help center to help you out to talk because you haven’t been feeling good for a long time. But, didn’t we talk about stuff like this already? That was the whole point of us opening up to each other. You got me feeling worried about you and I don’t know what’s going on with you.

FUCK! For the last couple of months I’ve had a really good friend of mine and I thought I fucking knew her, turns out... nah! I don’t know her at all. I had a certain image of my friend that she was fucking innocent, intelligent, kind of awkward, but I could trust the fuck out of her. Well, she is all those things still, but she ain’t so innocent anymore to me.

I get that we’re friends, but I had all these feelings hidden from you and everyone because I enjoyed all the time we were spending and talking. I believed there was no point on telling anyone because I thought it was a dumb crush with a really good friend. I wanted to keep you as a friend and not tell you these dumb feelings I was having, because in the past, I’ve lost great friends over dumb feelings and I didn’t want to make THIS the case again.

I thought we had something special happening, even with all my morales of not starting anything with you, or trying to pursue you at all, because again, we are good friends. The main reason is because YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND. I think I’ve always been into girls that were already taken, I’m not sure why, it just happens. Spent numerous hours hanging out and talking with you and you always talked about your boyfriend being the best guy ever. So, it would even make me jealous. But, I was fucking chill because again, I didn’t want my dumb feelings to ruin another great friendship. Ahhh gad, why do you have to trust me so much and tell me this shit.

With saying a lot, and not saying anything at all. You fuck around with someone who is double your age, you have called a creep, and you did the idiot thing of sending nudes. To top it all off, he is your BOSS and he is MARRIED.

How the fuck do you think I was going to react by telling me this. You even tell me, “its not really cheating.” I hit you back with, “if you feel guilty, it’s cheating.” Like, imagine you telling your boyfriend what you told me and see what he says. Imagine also finding out that your boyfriend is your boss’s wife’s nephew. So, I get that me and you are only friends, but I really hope this gets a chain reaction of: you guys breaking up, your boss’s marriage divorcing, and you getting canned. I’m sounding super sour right now, but wow, you telling me this just shattered my entire image of you.

Some days I’m doing great, some days I’m not. I really need to work on myself starting now. It’ll take a long time till I get to where I once was feeling happy, I think I could do it. Next year, 2020, will be my year. I will start working on myself slowly, but I gotta stay motivated. No one stays motivated the whole time, so I gotta remind myself to stay focused. I will try to have more fun, by saying “Fuck It” more, but used in the positive way, not the negative way. It’ll be like the way the motto for the movie “Yes, Man” was always say yes to everything. Yesterday, I went to go hang out and watch my homies play ball, and after I would usually just go home, but they asked me to come over to their place to hang out till they go out for wings, which I wasn’t going to go. I went to hang out with them, and they asked me to come with them to go eat, I usually say no, but I had that mind set in my head saying, “Fuck It.” So I was like, I’m down, let’s go! It’s been a minute since I’ve hung out with different people, and I’m really not looking to do that a lot, but I was thinking, this is my winter break for school, I’m not happy with myself. If people want to invite you, I should just go and probably have fun out of it... which I did! It was great catching up with friends and they said we should even go to Uptown Alley after, which is a place where its a bowling alley and an arcade spot. I didn’t play anything because I’m broke as fuck, no job equals not as many options to have fun. But it was fun being around fun people. The whole point of that experience is that I said fuck it, and it turned out to be a better time than just going home and overthinking problems that always runs through my mind.

I tend to overthink things constantly, and it fucks me up big time. The plan for 2020 is to keep myself busy as fuck, and work on my brand, through YouTube and my Instagram. My friend who has an entry level job at Energy 106 is telling me to apply there so I can get a foot in the door for radio. I thought about it and thought maybe it’s not what I want to do because i want to be in for video production. But if I want to get experience and keep myself busy by at least having a foot in the door, I got to take it.

I’ve been doing keto diet for a while now, and it has helped me become more agile, easier to move around. I used to have ankle and knee problems all the time because I’m a big guy, but since starting keto dieting, I noticed that my knee isn’t always in pain and I can be on my feet for a longer period of time. I’m grabbing a gym pass and planning to go to Cindy Klassan, a gym close to my place. They open at six in the morning and that should keep me motivated to start my day be doing my cardio to lose weight, and then get ready for classes in the morning. Starting my day with some exercise I think could give me a better mind set of having energy to last all day and not become lazy anytime later. I need to stop dicking around after school and actually do work after class or writing scripts or shooting videos or recording audio. I kind of fell off my work mindset because of wanting to be around a friend at school, but those friends won’t be there for me in the future, once their term is over, I think we won’t be the way we once were. Which is sad as fuck because I honestly have never been closer to a friend like I have in the last five months. But, if I let that affect me, it’ll slow my process of me getting better, even if they were the reason of me feeling better and getting through those dark times.