moonlight

bastila has spent her whole life emotionally suppressed and thinking that her being in a relationship is immoral. she gets over it, but she still has absolutely no experience, and this is bastila ‘i will keep all of my emotions right here and then one day i will die’ shan, so she is not going to be asking anyone for advice.

( meme )

co-habiting with non-jedi isn't something that bastila was particularly fond of. she'd done it before, during the war - after all, her battle meditation was most helpful on the front lines, so she had spent a lot of time with soldiers - but that wasn't the same as being on the ebon hawk.

on the front lines, she was separate from the soldiers. not only was she a jedi, but she was the jedi. they all knew who she was, and they had all felt the presence of her in their minds. there was no way that they would ever treat her as anything close to a peer.

but the hawk was different.

there was still a degree of separation. bastila was still a jedi. her attitude irritated some members of the crew, and besides, she knew more of the mission than anyone else. she had to keep herself at a distance to ensure that she didn't let anything slip, to ensure that she stayed focused, to ensure that nothing went wrong.

yet, somehow, somewhere along the line, the separation began to lessen. for the first time, bastila found herself being treated like a friend. gradually, the crew became a sort of family, and the ship became a sort of home. thoughts that bastila would never dare say allowed - attachment is forbidden, after all - but ones that she could not entirely deny having.

As soon as Revan started to laugh, Bastila knew that she had misspoke. She had thought about finding Revan again more frequently than she would like to admit - she had thought of what she would do, what she would say, and yet it seemed that no amount of thought was enough to keep her foot out of her mouth. At least that was a constant, she supposed.

"It’s okay.” She spoke quietly in response to Revan’s apology. She wasn’t offended by her laughter, knowing in painful detail everything that had been done to her.

After the events of the Star Forge, Bastila had tried to return to the Order. She had tried to return, tried to be a good Jedi, tried to return to the Light in the way that her Masters approved of - but, after everything, their words had simply felt hollow.

“Thank you.”

the analyzing heart

you have the soul of an intellect. you like to figure out how things work, you want to take them apart and put them back together again. you strive for answers and you're not afraid to ask the difficult questions. one day you'll have to learn to accept not everything can be explained away. it's okay to let your heart bleed. it's okay to let your soul long for impossible things. the most incredible mysteries are the ones that are never solved, but merely felt.

TAGGING: @ecsile @luxettenebra

And that is why the dark side is so insidious. If you are not careful, you do not even see each small step you take towards it until it is too late.

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A lot had happened over the past 24 hours. Between the geth, the news of the Conduit, and Benezia... well, it was all enough to make Liara’s head spin, and even after having taken some time to herself to attempt to process it, she was still having some trouble completely thinking things through.

The fact that she was now on a ship full of aliens was so low on the list of things to process, it was almost laughable.

The sound of the door opening pulled her out of her thoughts, and she looked over to see who had entered, nodding politely in greeting.

“Commander.” Liara said. She hadn’t spoken to many humans in the past - she was mildly concerned about making some sort of social faux pas, but felt a touch silly for the worry. She had already embarrassed herself by getting herself stuck in the energy field, and with everything else, misstepping socially should really be the least of her concerns.

“Bastila, really – it’s fine, you don’t have to justify yourself to me.” Sil'Rava mumbled, shrugging as she leaned her head into her palm. “We have the star map, that’s all I care about.”

That…wasn’t entirely true. It might have been all Sil'Rava cared about right then, but she cared just as much about Bastila as she did the star map. The problem at the moment was that she was so very tired. The day had been long and what she really wanted was to go crawl into her bunk and sleep for at least a day or two, she really wasn’t in the mood to get into a disagreement with Bastila.

Instead, she tried something else: “Don’t remember much about my mom, personally. Navree says I should, but.” Sil'Rava shrugged. “I don’t.” That happened a lot these days, it seemed. It felt awkward and strange, not remembering something she thought she should be able to. “Besides, sometimes it’s nice to have a distraction. Mine is speeder racing. Do you think Manaan has a track?”

Bastila supposed that Sil’Rava was right. She didn’t need to justify herself to her. Not only was Bastila the head of this mission - but Sil’Rava hadn’t actually voiced protest to Bastila collecting her father’s datapad. No, Bastila knew that it wasn’t Sil’Rava that needed the justification. It was Bastila, herself. And that was just the problem, wasn’t it?

She suppressed a wince at Sil’Rava’s comment. Of course she didn’t remember. Bastila continued on past her guilt, not allowing it to pass to the surface-level. If nothing else, the past few months had allowed her to prove to herself that she was an excellent liar.

Really, Bastila knew that she should discourage Sil’Rava from the racing. The credits were helpful, and she supposed that she could see the benefit of a distraction, sometimes, but she worried about her racing reaching the wrong ears - of the wrong person seeing her - of recognition. It was bound to happen eventually, Bastila knew, but she still dreaded Sil’Rava discovering the truth.

But she was also tired, both emotionally and physically, and they weren’t on Manaan yet. Discouraging could wait, she decided.

“Oh, probably. It seems to be quite popular.” Her mind wandered. She should focus on the speed racing. A distraction, just like Sil’Rava had said, but...