✩ suguru's slut ✩

She had the same skin color as him. You could feel his hands on your body, taking away your control, your freedom, your voice. The thrusts that took more from you than they gave. Your chest tightened, and your stomach churned—your whole body reacted to the human consequence of that tragic night.

The baby's cries seemed to subside when she realized she wasn't alone anymore. As if an inexplicable bond connected you to that tiny being. Mother to child. If you could, you would sever the thread that entangled you.

When you gave birth, you thought you would feel that love all mothers talked about, that raw emotion that gripped the heart and delivered promises of protection. Yet you felt nothing. No hatred, no anger. Just an abyssal void. With empty eyes, you stared at the baby in your arms, wondering if you were lucky enough to have her die prematurely.

You pressed the tip of the knife into your daughter's belly, the chubby flesh creating a dip. She was so cute in her pink onesie, the scent of the special baby oil emanating from her making you sick. Becoming a mother meant sacrificing a part of your life for a vulnerable being who didn't know how to navigate the world without you, and you weren't sure you had the instruction manual to be the best guide.

You hadn't eaten or slept since her birth. What mother who couldn't take care of herself could possibly take care of her family?

The more you looked at her, the more hesitant your grip on the knife became. The more you focused on her toothless mouth, her tiny nose, and the few black hairs she had, the more you felt his weight on you. Your breathing quickened, the panic of being trapped beneath a man overwhelming you. You dropped the knife in her crib and rushed back to the kitchen, sitting on the floor with your arms around your knees as you rocked back and forth.

The crying started again, and you were about to lose it. She was too noisy, reminded you too much of him, gave you a stomachache, and then—it was your turn to cry. The bond between mother and daughter. What do you do in this kind of situation? When you had dreams, goals in life that were shattered by the arrival of a baby?  When you were little and you cried, who did you run to for comfort?

Onyankopon. Your brother. Your best friend.

But it's been months since you last spoke, ever since you left college and distanced yourself from your family. He's still friends with the traitor. He doesn't know what happened. You took your phone out of your pocket and stared at Ony's number. He wasn't going to answer. You pressed the call button, waiting with your heart pounding for him to reply.

“˚ʚ♡ɞ˚?” he awoke the call, his voice surprised.

You missed his voice, your heart felt lighter when you heard it.

“Hi Ony.”

“Why are you crying?” The bond between brother and sister. He knew just from your voice. He didn't ask why you hadn't spoken to him in so long, why you decided to go through your pregnancy alone. He just wants to know why his best friend is suffering.

“The baby.”

That’s all you tell him. He doesn’t need to know that you were contemplating killing your daughter, that you were depressed and suffering from panic attacks.

Ony sighed, empathy filling his voice.

“It must be hard being a single mother, I understand. Do you need money? Do you need anything? Tell me, I’ll give you anything you need.”

Your best friend. 

“No. I…”

Your eyes rested on the knife drawer.

“I need something to relax me. Especially at night. She sleeps during the day, but at night she cries so much it makes me anxious.”.

“Why don’t you go see a doctor for anti-anxiety medication?”

You drew your lips into a thin line. You hadn't even been able to talk to your brother about your trauma, how were you doing talking to someone you barely knew?

“˚ʚ♡ɞ˚?”

“I can't,” you whispered.

Ony remained silent on the other end of the phone line for a few seconds. There was so much he didn't know about you right now, so many questions. He felt like he'd lost his sister, and he was grateful that you were talking to him again even if you weren't giving him any answers.

“I have an idea, but I don't know if you'll like it. Smoke some weed. It might help you fall asleep.”

“Okay.”

“You changed,” he chuckled. It was true that you weren't the type of girl who did that kind of stuff. When you were in college, you were so focused on your studies that you never went to frat parties. Not because you were the "innocent good girl" type, but because you were ambitious. You dreamed of being a writer, and your creative writing major was the perfect degree for you. You loved spending hours analyzing texts, reading classics, and debating in class. Too bad now you couldn't write.

"I've lost myself."

"Don't say that. It's just weed, it's not a big deal. Everyone smokes weed."

"No, Ony. I've really lost myself. I'm this close to taking cocaine to feel better."

"Stay on the green side, never something artificial like coke, ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚. I don't know what you're going through, but know that I'm here when you're ready to talk."

Was it true? Would he really believe you if you told him?

"Thank you, Ony." 

“I’m gonna send you a friend’s number. His shit is the best.” 

A shiver ran down your spine. You hoped it wasn’t one of his friends  you’d spent your teenage years and college years with. You received the screenshot of the guy’s contact and your body relaxed when you saw that the name “Eren” was unfamiliar.

𖥸

Ony had said that Eren often woke up late, so he would travel for any request in the middle of the night. Under the moonlight, you left your building wearing a vest that was becoming too small for you. Since you weren't eating, instead of losing weight, your body was storing every little thing you ingested. But you were too depressed to care about your appearance. A black car was parked in front of the building, its windows down, and music was playing. As you approached the vehicle, you recognized Future's voice and the song "PLUTOSKI." You crouched down in front of it, getting to the level of the window.

A man who looked to be about your age had his eyes glued to his phone. His mid-length brown hair framed his face, while his hand held a cigarette outside the car window. His black hoodie blended well with his tattooed skin; you could see ink designs on his neck and hands. His angular features, his mustache and goatee—he was a very masculine man.

“Hi,” you said shyly, resting your elbow on the windowsill. Alerted by your voice, he looked up. Emerald eyes met your brown ones, and you observed each other for a few seconds. Eren’s eyes narrowed on you, noticing that your eyes were puffy.

Ony had warned him that his sister would ask for his services, and he asked him to be gentle with you because motherhood was rough on you. Eren was used to having all sorts of different clients, so selling weed to a single mother wasn’t unfamiliar to him. He was already planning to make you an offer since you were his friend’s sister, but seeing your red eyes, he knew it would make you feel better. He turned down the music on his phone and leaned over to the passenger window.

“Yo.” He inclined his head. “You good?”

“Yeah, sorry. Rough day.” You tried to smile, but it came across as a grimace.

“It’s okay, come in.”

You opened the car door and sat in the passenger seat.

“What’s your budget?” You fidgeted your hands on your thighs, glancing at your building. You thought about your baby crying while you were outside with a drug dealer. What a terrible mother you were. The traitor had ruined your life and your child’s in his wake.

“I only have $30.”

He let out a low chuckle.

“You made me come all this way for $30?”

“Sorry.” You swallowed hard. “I haven’t had many tips at my job lately.”

He brought his cigarette to his mouth for a drag and exhaled.

“It’s all good. No need to explain.”

Eren didn’t care about his clients’ private lives, but you were his friend’s sister; he was at least going to treat you with respect and empathy.

“A bit more than half an eighth is enough for you?” He rummaged in his glove box for 2-gram bags of weed.

“I don’t know what that means.”

His lips curved into an amused smile.

“Your brother is a heavy user, though.”

You looked away; he was a stranger. He didn’t need to know that you had cut ties with your brother for months after your rape. Eren noticed your distant expression, but he didn’t press the issue. He checked his notifications on his phone to see where his clients needed him. It could take him 5 minutes to roll the blunts for you, since you were a beginner. In the dim light of the car, he looked even more attractive, and that made you sad. Sad because you wished you could have fun with a man like him, like you used to do in the rare moments when you weren't studying. Sad because he seemed friendly; you could at least joke with him, but the fact that he was so masculine scared you, reminding you of the traitor.

“It's a grinder,” he explained, showing the cylinder on the dashboard that he had taken out of its glove box. “You put the buds inside, and by twisting it, it makes little pieces. I can give it to you; I have loads at home.”

Your heart swelled at his gift, and you relaxed as you listened to him.

He showed you how to roll a blunt, depositing the greenery onto the paper.

“You need a filter, but a rolled-up piece of cardboard will do.” He showed you the small white piece and placed it inside the paper. He rolled it between his fingers and then brought it to his lips to lick the sticky part.

“Try it.” He handed you one of the small papers for blunts and cigarettes.

You managed to get a little greenery to fill the paper, but when you rolled the paper up to close the blunt, you dropped the filter in the car.

“Six out of ten. You're average,” he teased you, but his tone wasn't unkind. 

You didn't know how, but spending time learning to roll had soothed the unease that consumed you and led you to open the knife drawer. When you gave him your money to pay, you were overcome with the need to stay longer. People were touch-starved, but you were deprived of attention. Like a desert explorer who had spent hours without water, you felt reborn to have a little social interaction after spending your pregnancy alone.

“Do you want to smoke with me?” you asked in a small voice as he started the car.

He paused. “Don’t you have a baby to take care of?”

“Right.”

You flinched and looked down. His gaze softened.

“Avoid showing that kind of expression to other dealers; some of them might take advantage of your distress,” he said, his voice serious.

“I know…”

“And don’t trust dealers who consume the merchandise reserved for their clients. These motherfuckers have no discipline and are probably stupid.”

“You don’t smoke?” 

“Of course I do,” he chuckled. “Not just the weed for my clients.” He received a notification on his phone, and he glanced down. “I have other drops to make.” 

You placed your hand on the car door handle, but he nudged you, offering his fist.

You bumped your fist with his, making a handshake that took you back to your college days with your brother's group of friends.

“Don't change your plug, I get jealous easily.” Your lips quirked up, and for the first time that evening, you had a semblance of a positive expression on your face.

“Don't worry, have a good night,” you got out of the car and walked to your building, your heart lighter than before.

Once home, you breastfed your daughter, your eyes devoid of emotion as you watched the baby in your arms. Your breasts had grown to accommodate the milk needed to nourish her, but your heart didn't have the space to accept it. You rocked her to sleep, and once she was asleep in her crib, you lay down on your bed to smoke the blunts you had rolled. After a few minutes, a state of bliss, free from doubts and anxieties, took hold of you, and you fell asleep, an image of Eren's hand tattoos as he showed you how to roll a joint in your mind.

𖥸

౨ৎ two months with you ౨ৎ

“Luther” by Kendrick Lamar and SZA played in the living room as Ony, Eren, Connie and Armin smoked together on the couch.

“I tell you the best movie director is Barry Jenkins,” Ony shook his head, his voice dismissive.

“You’re out of your mind,” Connie mumbled. “Have you seen ‘do the right thing’ by Spike Lee?”

“Eren tells this dumbass that Moonlight is the best movie ever made,” Ony nudged Eren, who was barely responsive. Head resting on the backseat, his eyes red-rimmed and half-lidded, he glanced at Ony with a frown.

“Fuck off, man. You know I don’t watch movies.”

“Are you even literate?” Connie chuckled.

Eren glared at him. “What's even the correlation between your question and the topic, dickhead?”

“Eren is more like a music nerd.” Armin said, passing the blunt to Connie. “If you guys had movies about music, he'd watch them.”

Ony side-eyesed Armin. “Here comes the bromance. Leave that dick out of your mouth, man.”

Eren's phone rang. He glanced at the notification. It was a message from you.

“The usual, please. I had a rough day. Can I keep you company while you do your drops?”

“Ony?” he asked. 

Ony stopped bickering with Armin to focus on Eren. “Yeah?”

“Why is your sister so lonely?”

Ony scratched the back of his head, wincing. He was asking himself the same question. “She cut ties with everyone about a year ago, for no reason. She doesn't want to see me, but we talk from time to time.”

Eren's eyes narrowed. “And… You're okay with that? I mean, she has a baby. I've been providing for her for two months now, and every time I see her, she looks like she's been crying.”

“What do you think I am, Eren?” Ony's face hardened. “She is my best friend. I've tried to understand her, but try helping someone who's moving without giving their address to anyone. I'm just going to wait until she's ready to talk about it.”

“She seems to need someone to force their way in.”

“Why don't you want to be her friend?” Ony tried. “She has issues with her family. Maybe someone from the outside would help her.”

“Do I look like a good friend?” Eren sighed, leaned over to rest his elbows on his thighs. He stared at his sneakers. It wasn't that Eren lacked confidence; it was just that he'd never been good at emotional comfort. So trying to improve the mood of a depressed single mother was beyond his capabilities.

“You're a good friend, 'Ren,” Connie reassured him.

Eren rolled his eyes, not believing any of this.

“It's true,” Armin added.

“Oh, we know you like him, man,” Ony laughed quietly.

The boys' laughter filled the room as Eren remained silent, staring at your message.

Eren didn't like broken people. They destroyed everything in their path and were so needy that they stole other people's freedom. Eren needed to be in control of his life. It was thanks to this determination that he had saved his family and lifted them out of poverty. A lot of pressure on the shoulders of a little boy. He was devastated to lose his father, but now, as the only boy in the family, he had to find solutions quickly. He had started dealing drugs for a gang at 15. Being a low-ranking member of a criminal organization was tough because he was the one who had to do the risky work that no one else wanted. But he didn't care; his mother was no longer working due to grief-induced depression, and they had to find money.

He had done everything to ensure his family lacked nothing. He paid for his mother's therapy, paid for his sister Mikasa's ballet lessons, and supported her passion for gothic style. Eren was a fighter. So how could he help a woman who had nothing and couldn't even find the motivation to raise her child? What did he have to teach her?

“Anyway, I don't care about her. She’s your sister, not mine. I have nothing to gain by being her friend,” he lied, but he got up anyway and grabbed his car keys from the coffee table.

“Be gentle with her or I will kill you,” Ony warned him.

“You can’t even take care of her and you’re acting like you’re protecting her,” he sneered, shaking hands with all his best friends before leaving Ony’s home.

𖥸

“You good?” Eren asked, observing how puffy your eyes were.

Sitting in the passenger seat of his car, you stared at your trembling hands. “Yeah.”

“You don’t seem well.”

“Is this any different from usual?” you grumbled.

“Watch your tone.” Eren started the car and connected his phone via Bluetooth to play his playlist. Bodies by Drowing Pool played in the car, and you watched him curiously as the metal music enveloped you.

“I don’t understand your taste in music. Last Saturday it was rap, today it’s rock.”

“Nu metal, not rock,” he corrected with an amused smile. “I just like music. Why choose a genre when I can appreciate everyone’s art?”

“It’s been months since I listened to music. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be a fan of someone’s discography.”

“Why?” He turned the steering wheel with one hand while his other hand was outside the window, holding a cigarette.

You pressed your back against the seat, your gaze lost on the road. Eren was no longer a stranger. You had shared laughs and some eye contact. But he was your plug, not your friend. How could you talk to him about your trauma, your anxieties, your flashbacks, the fear of losing your brother if you confessed that one of his friends had raped you? He was a man. Men didn't care about women's suffering.

“I guess I can't connect with my emotions anymore. So I can't appreciate art.”

“Like depression?”

“Something like that…”

“When you have these kinds of problems, you always have to talk to someone, otherwise your loved ones will suffer with you.”

“The drug dealer is pro-therapy?” 

He glanced sideways at you. “I said watch your tone.” 

As usual when you talked with Eren, he managed to make you smile and lighten your heart. You let out a soft sigh, tilting your head as you watched him drive. When your eyes landed on Eren, you missed a part of yourself. The part that wasn't afraid of men. The part that flirted with them confidently. The part that knew how to hold a conversation without trauma dumping. Today, only the ashes of a shattered identity remained. Maybe if Eren were ugly, you'd be able to stop being nostalgic for your old self.

“Your hair's grown,” you said softly.

“Yeah, I know, I need to cut it.”

“Wait—No! You look good like that.”

“My bad, if my favorite depressed girl said I was looking good, I should trust her.” 

Your quiet laugh filled the car. 

Eren brought his cigarette to his lips to take a drag, and as he exhaled the smoke, he glanced at you. “You're pretty when you smile.”

“I'm ugly when I'm not smiling?”

“I swear I don't understand women.”

“Thank you, Eren, I was joking.”

A pleasant silence hung in the car. Eren stopped at various buildings to supply his clients with weed. He seemed so comfortable in his job that you wondered why he'd ended up doing this kind of work. He must be financially comfortable, much more so than with your job as a barmaid.

“Are you going to tell me about it or not?” His deep voice pulled you from your thoughts.

“Talk about what?”

“Why do you need to spend time with me? Why did you want to come with me to my drops? Why do you look like you’ve been crying every time you get in my car?”

You didn’t want to talk about that. He wouldn’t understand. No one would. Your pain was your best-kept secret. Suffering is precious. Especially when it shapes your identity. You wanted to be more than a rape victim, more than just the label of a woman whose “no” wasn’t heard, but it felt like your life had stopped that night. You didn’t recognize yourself anymore.

“I’ve lost myself,” you repeated what you’d told Ony two months earlier. Hoping he’d understand without asking too many questions.

“And why don’t you go to therapy to find yourself again?”

“They’ll never understand.” How could you explain that you had the option of an abortion but you were too depressed to even leave your house? People will laugh at you, tell you it was your choice, that you can't complain now.

“That's what my mother used to say before I forced her ass to see a therapist. Now, she's doing much better.”

“My problem isn't something that can be fixed with therapy; I need to go back in time and prevent the event from happening.”

“You're not special, you know.” He turned his head to look at you, his eyes serious. “Everyone lives—”

You shot him a cold glare. “You don't know anything about me, so shut up before you compare my traumas to someone else's.”

His jaw tightened. “I'm not your friend, so don't look at me like that before I put shady stuff in the shit you're buying from me.” He threw his cigarette out the window. He gestured with his fingers to indicate the space between you. “The distance between us, you're the one creating it. I could become your best friend in no time if you'd stop acting all mysterious.”

“Who said I wanted to be your friend?”

“You're literally beggin’ for my attention.”

It was awfully true. You had nothing to say against it, so you drew your lips into a thin line and stared at the road.

“You're not special either,” you finally said after a minute of silence. “I don't see anyone besides my daughter, so of course I'm going to get attached to the first person who speaks to me.” 

Get attached to him? You'd lost your mind. Eren didn't do serious relationships. Imagine if he started a family with someone only to suddenly die like his father and leave his wife depressed? No, Eren wasn't going to repeat what had broken his family.

“That's your first mistake. Don't get attached to me.”

His voice was harsher than expected, but it was a defense mechanism.

Your heart sank. You didn't like his tone, what he was trying to say, and you felt stupid because he was just your plug, so why did it hurt so much to hear it? He drove silently to your building. Once there, he stopped the car and stood there without speaking for a few minutes. He glanced in your direction and his heart ached at your downcast expression. He had to make apologies. He wasn't a bad guy, just awkward with his emotions.

“Your brother wants me to take care of you. I'm not good at emotional support; I'm more efficient when it comes to making money. So sorry if I say the wrong things.”

His softer voice soothed the wound his words had created. You didn't reply until you opened the car door. He grabbed your arm before you could let go.

“Call me if you want to come with me on my drops.”

You paused. “So you can tell me I’m not special and that everyone has traumas?”

“Maybe if you talked to me more, I’d stop staying stupid shit like this.”

“So you admit it’s stupid.”

“That’s not the point.”

“I’m going to avoid talking to you since I’m not allowed to get attached to you.”

His grip on your arm tightened. “I can be a close friend, but don’t ask me to be more than that.”

“I never asked for more than that. I’m not ready for that either,” you whispered before getting out of the car and walking to your building.

For the first time, Eren didn’t leave immediately and stared thoughtfully at the ghostly image of your silhouette in the street.

𖥸

౨ৎ four months with you ౨ৎ

Rap blasting in his headphones, Eren focused on his workout on the gym's free weight machines, working his arms with precision, slowing down to feel the burn. Eren didn't have a massive body; he had a sleeper build. Looking at him, you'd think he was just thin, but once he was naked, the definition of his muscles was impressive. He was progressing toward a more muscular physique, like Ony, who was very muscular.

“Your ass is rounder than me, lucky bastard,” Ony nudged him as Eren got up from the weight machine to clean up where he'd sat. A soft chuckle escaped Eren's mouth.

“Stop looking at my ass and find yourself a woman.”

“I have plenty of women. You're the one who needs affection, ‘Ren.”

“I'm perfectly fine.”

“Why don't you sleep with my sister?” 

Eren dropped his towel, which fell to the floor, and his eyes widened. “The fuck?”

“I admit that sounds weird.”

“It’s downright weird, man.”

“I meant, why don’t you try to have a relationship with her?”

Eren frowned. “Why the hell are you forcing me to be close to her?”

“You’re the only one she talks to regularly. She barely replies to my messages. I wish she had a friend or a boyfriend, I don’t care. Just someone to talk to.”

His frown deepened. “Isn’t it a little late to be worrying about this? She went through her pregnancy alone.”

“Ren, you don’t know my sister. She just shuts down even more when you force her to talk. I prefer to give her the space she needs. She’ll come see me whenever she wants. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to help her in my own way.”

Eren picked up his towel from the floor and headed towards the locker room, followed by Ony. “‘Ren, please.’”

“I don’t understand why it’s up to me to heal your sister. It’s not my role. I’m not a therapist.”

“Okay, man, I get that. But it’s almost her birthday, and aside from you and me, she doesn’t talk to anyone anymore.”

“Not even her parents?”

“They reacted badly when she dropped out of college.”

He undressed in one of the changing room stalls and continued talking to Ony.

“So your sister went through something pretty traumatic to drop out of college, stop talking to you, and choose to go through her pregnancy alone, and you think a drug dealer like me is the solution to your problems.”

“Everyone loves you, Eren.”

“And as it should be.” A quiet laugh escaped Ony’s mouth. They showered in silence in individual shower stalls, sharing a toning shower gel.

“What do you want to do for her birthday?” Eren asked, walking beside Ony as they left the gym after changing into clean clothes. “She doesn’t seem to be in the mood for parties. And she has a baby.”

“She told me she works at a bar. I wanted to surprise her by picking her up for drinks at my place with my friends. Just Connie and Armin, not my college friends. She’s been ignoring them for a year now.”

“I know where she works. She’s asked me to come over after her shift.”

Ony smiled. “You’re doing a good job, thank you.”

“Fuck you. It’s not like that.”

“It is like that. She told me that at least three times a week, she comes with you when you’re doing your drops.”

“She’s all alone,” Eren stated, as if that alone explained why he was spending so much time with you. 

“Since when do you care about lonely women?”

“It’s hard not to sympathize with someone you see crying every week. It’s not that deep.” 

Ony raised questions Eren didn’t want to think about. Everything was fine. He was just your friend, your plug, and you went with him to do his drops. Sometimes you laughed, sometimes you argued, but it always ended in softer voices. Although it was fragile, there was definitely a connection. But it was up to Eren to figure out if it meant more than that. The weeks flew by. He felt like ever since he met you, his whole life revolved around you. He looked forward to spending time with you—something he couldn’t explain himself. He cared. He really cared. And he didn’t even know when it had happened during those four months.

𖥸

“Is Ony’s sister hot?” Connie asked enthusiastically, but he calmed down immediately when his eyes met Eren’s cold glare. “What? I’m just asking—”

“You didn’t even bag Sasha, you want the unattainable,” Eren mocked him.

“Ouch.” Connie pretended to be heartbroken.

Sitting in Eren’s car, Connie in the front, Armin and Ony in the back, they waited for you to finish your shift.

“I’m going to put on some Sexy Redd to make her feel comfortable.” Connie connected his phone to the car to play “Mad at Me.” Eren pinched the bridge of his nose and changed the music to “Go Gina” by SZA.

“That’s not her kind of music, stop your bullshit.”

At that moment, you stepped out of the bar where you worked. Eren honked the horn, and you jumped. He almost felt guilty. Recognizing Eren's car, you approached cautiously, not understanding why he was there.

Eren rolled down the car window and poked his head out to talk to you.

“Happy birthday.”

“W-What?” you stammered, your eyes widening as you saw your brother in the car. 

What day was it? Damn, that's right. It was your birthday. You'd completely forgotten.

But the real question was, why was Eren there for you?

“Bring your ass over here.” He gestured toward the backseat with his thumb.

“I can't…” You stared at the tiny space that remained in the backseat, between Ony and Armin. Just imagining yourself squeezed between men made your stomach churn.

“Why can't you?” Eren asked, his voice soft.

You struggled to verbalize your anguish, the words dying on your tongue. Eren stared at you for a few seconds before turning to Connie.

“Leave the car.”

“The fuck?!”.

Eren ignored him and turned to the backseat.

“Everyone out of the car, you’re going to take the subway.”

Disappointed exclamations echoed through the vehicle, but Eren didn’t care and insisted until all his friends left. Once the trio had walked away to catch the subway, he nodded for you to come to the passenger side. Once seated in the car, you cleared your throat.

“Thank you.”

Eren didn’t reply and started the car. He really cared and he hated it.

𖥸

Eren was late arriving at Ony's place because he had to pick up your daughter from daycare. While he was driving, he couldn't help but steal curious glances at the baby in your arms. He was itching to ask about the father, but he didn't say anything because something in his head told him that your child's father was probably the cause of all your problems. During the evening, something didn't sit right with him. It was your birthday, yet you remained silent. Connie was trying to make it fun by playing "guess the song" videos on the TV. He was making an effort because you were his best friend's sister. But you barely reacted. You didn't touch any of the food Armin had prepared on the coffee table. He'd seen you smile and laugh before; he knew you were capable of it.

Fuck, he couldn't even focus on anything else. You flooded his thoughts. Was the baby the problem? Were you having trouble getting out of "mom mode"? He was about to do something crazy. After spending the evening watching you while sitting on the couch smoking a blunt, he got up to sit next to you and nudged your arm.

“Give me the baby.”

You looked at him like he had multiple heads.

"Give me the baby," he repeated, his voice gruff, barely responsive because of the weed. "Go have fun with Connie."

"I don't want to have fun—"

"Too bad, I want you to."

He leaned over to wrap his arms around your daughter, and reluctantly you let him hold her. He struggled for a few moments to figure out how to wrap his arms around the baby, but once he was secure against her, he watched her in silence. She had large, curious brown eyes that seemed to react to every sudden movement, so he had to touch her gently. He raised one hand to rub his index finger against her cheek. She smiled, and Eren fought the urge not to smile too, faced with the bundle of tenderness in his arms.

He looked up, and as usual, his eyes always landed on the same person who had occupied his thoughts these past few months—you. You were playfully bickering with Connie because he was deliberately talking so you wouldn't hear the music playing to guess the name. You radiated so much energy; it was a joy to see. Eren tried not to think about the uncomfortable feeling that threatened to ruin the moment and overwhelm him. He knew he was doing something pretty special for a girl he didn't know well enough to do that.

But he felt like he knew you. He could tell when you were anxious, what might make you laugh, what might annoy you. He knew what creates a cute pout on your lips or a glare. He really cared. He hoped this day would be a good memory for you.

𖥸

౨ৎ six months with you ౨ৎ

The months flew by, and you needed to buy bigger clothes for your daughter. You worked harder and harder to cover your expenses, but the more exhausted you became, the harder it was to control your anxiety. Your fear of men was complex. Normally, you could never have had such a special relationship with Eren because he was a man. A very masculine man, at that. It was only because he was your plug that you had managed to overcome your fear. 

But while you were working, it was difficult not to panic when older men hit on you. Your rape hadn't just destroyed your trust in your loved ones; it had also destroyed your trust in all of humanity. So any man could be a threat. You needed to improve your coping mechanisms because they weren't working anymore. Every time you took a step toward healing, you took twenty steps back.

Your birthday had been amazing. You hadn't laughed that much in a long time. But after that day, your daily grind had resumed with even more intensity. The baby's crying, the diaper changes, the breastfeeding. All that work for a baby you didn't even want.

“Hurry up, there are a lot of customers!!” your boss clapped his hands, and you rushed to grab the trays of beer and bring them to the order tables.

You had to pull yourself together. This month, you'd had six panic attacks in front of customers, and your boss had said you were fired the next time. You handed out beers to each table, forcing yourself to smile to get tips. But you were barely taking care of yourself these days; your clothes were simple and not the kind of revealing outfits men liked.

“Oh, huh! It's been a while.”

You froze at the voice beside you. When you slowly turned your head, your face crumpled as you saw the college friends you'd been running from for over a year because they were all friends with the traitor.

“Hi… I…” Your grip on the tray of empty glasses became increasingly hesitant as your hands trembled. Your mind flashed through images of the party where everything had gone wrong, and you could no longer focus on the real world.

“˚ʚ♡ɞ˚! Order for table 5.”

You were unable to move, paralyzed. You could feel your hands on you, on your mouth, your weight pressing you against the mattress.

“˚ʚ♡ɞ˚, are you okay?”

You took a few steps, but your mind was still on that grim night. You didn't notice you bumped into a customer, glasses shattering on the floor. Your boss yelled at you, but you stared at the broken glass, a stark reminder of your current life.

𖥸

“If you want a car ride while you cry, I can do that if you want.” Eren offered in an unusually gentle voice.

He wasn't always sure how to handle the situation; usually, when you came to see him, you were done crying. But the second you sat down in the passenger seat that night, you burst into tears. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, letting you express your feelings uninterrupted.

“I'm so sorry.”

“I don't mind.”

“I feel like I'm a burden to everyone and worrying everyone for nothing. I always make the wrong choices. I can't stand ruining my life anymore.”

“You're doing your best—”

“Eren, I got fired today. I deliberately took a job at that bar because it was far from the university I was at,” you sniffled. “Now I have to find a job quickly—”

“How much money do you need?” He cut in. “How much and how long?”

You were frowned upon, confused, but thought quickly. “Eren, I don’t want to deal drugs!”

“The fuck are you talking about?” he chuckled darkly. “You’re too fragile to do that. I wanted to pay your bills.”

This time, you paused. “W-What?”

“It’s not a big deal.” He started the car and focused on the road as if he wasn’t saying crazy things.

“Did you snort cocaine?!”

His lips curved into an amused smile. “Nah, not into that. Only the greenery.”

“Eren—”

“You’re a depressed single mother and my friend’s sister. I’m not going to leave you in the lurch.”

The truth was, Eren didn’t know any other way. His entire adolescence had been put on hold to help his mother, so your situation mirrored his own childhood. You didn't argue about how well you could manage on your own because you knew it would be stupid to refuse such an offer. You lowered your head, swallowing hard.

“Thank you, but…”

“But what?” he sighed.

“I don't really understand the relationship we have.”

“Me neither.”

Neither of you spoke for a few moments before you brought up the subject of your job again.

“I want to work from home, I don't want to go out anymore.”

“Why?” 

You couldn't tell him. You could only tell him that now that you'd run into his friends, there was a possibility of…

“I'm scared,” you said simply.

“Okay.” He tilted his head. “My mother had something similar when my father died. She wanted to stay constantly in the house that had sheltered her husband and was unable to leave it, even to go shopping. I was the one who did it.”

“It must have been a heavy responsibility to bear, no matter your age.” 

His eyebrows knitted. He didn't like receiving pity.

“Sometimes our loved ones need us, and that's what community is all about.”

“Pro-therapy, pro-community, I think I've got the first ethical plug right here.”

“Don't mock me,” he side-eyed you.

“I'm just joking, ‘Ren.”

He liked the sound of his nickname on your tongue.

“What kind of job do you want back home?”

“I've always wanted to be a writer.” Your dreamy eyes stared at the road as he drove. “I've always preferred novels to movies. Every time I finished a good movie, I was sad that there weren't any novels adapted because I want to know what the characters are thinking. I feel like I'm part of the story. So, ever since I learned to hold a pencil, I've been writing stories. But since my depression, I haven't been able to write anymore.”

“Why don’t you write a memoir about your life as a mother with depression?” 

You burst into incredulous laughter. “No one will want to read that.”

“I will.”

“Please. I’m not even thirty yet; I’m not going to write a memoir at my age.”

“Or write poetry if a novel is too difficult.”

“I only want to write about these sad subjects right now.”

“It’s okay. Sometimes that’s what you feel like doing.”

“Why do I get the impression you’re speaking as an artist?”

He turned his head to look at you, a deep crease between his eyes.

“What? A drug dealer isn’t allowed to be interested in art?”

“You know damn well I don’t judge you like that.”

“I hope so.” His features softened.

“What do you do outside of your job?” 

“Gym and drawing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I always wanted to be a tattoo artist.”

Eren rarely talked about himself, so you enjoyed learning more about him; it was like a special gift he was giving you.

“And why don’t you pursue your dreams?”

“It’s hard to leave illegality when you get a taste of money.”

“You don’t pursue your dreams because you want money?” You repeated, judgment in your voice.

“I thought you wouldn’t judge me?” He smiled.

“It’s just that I’d kill to be in your situation. You have the ability to achieve your dream, but you’re holding yourself back for purely capitalist reasons.”

“Grow up poor and frustrated from having nothing, and you’ll see how hard it is to leave abundance once you’ve experienced it.” 

“Right, I… I don’t know what it’s like… But Eren, one day, you’ll have to make this dream come true.”

“I will when you publish your first novel.”

You glared at him. “You’re not fair.”

“Never, never, baby.”

Your mouth opened slightly when he called you “baby” in his deep voice. You deliberately ignored the fluttering heat in your stomach.

Like every time you talked to Eren, you felt better. You weren’t so worried about the future anymore.

Was that really a good thing? Could you really trust this man? Hadn’t you forgotten how traumatized you were by the traitor’s betrayal? What if Eren was being nice to you on purpose, only to rape you when he got the chance, just like the traitor? Your heart pounding, you watched Eren drive, unsure whether to shield yourself from his kindness or welcome him with open arms.

𖥸

“Sorry about the mess,” you shyly apologized, letting Eren—who was carrying your grocery bags—go ahead.

“I don’t mind.” He shook his head, but surprise flashed across his face at the amount of plastic waste on the living room floor. “Well…”

“Yeah…” Ashamed, you stared at your shoes.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were having trouble cleaning?”

“Why would I tell you? You’re not going to help me clean up…”

“Of course I will, go and rest, I’ll take care of it.” He placed the shopping bags in the open-plan kitchen/living room. 

You wanted to refuse, but you’d had another sleepless night because of your daughter’s crying. You desperately needed a nap—your eyes were so heavy. You lay down on the sofa and watched him pick up all the trash before drifting off to sleep. When you woke up, Eren was no longer in the living room, and he had put away the groceries he’d bought. You stretched and looked for him in the apartment. Thinking he’d left, you went to your daughter’s room, where she was crying. Eren was standing there, trying to rock her. 

“She’s hungry,” you explained, taking him from your arms. You carried her to the living room and sat on the sofa while Eren was following you. You pulled your right breast out of your t-shirt to breastfeed the baby. The soft sucking sounds filled the room.

"Why are your eyes so empty when you look at your daughter?" He sat next to you.

His question unsettled you. You'd never noticed before.

"What do you mean?"

"Was the pregnancy planned?"

You tensed. Was this the moment to acknowledge the elephant in the room?

"Not really..."

"Do you love her?"

Eren wasn't trying to be mean or intrusive; he genuinely wanted to know about your relationship with your daughter.

“I… I'm just doing what I have to do as a mother to meet all her needs,” you managed to say, despite the slight tremor in your voice. You would never admit to him that you had considered killing her.

Eren's voice grew serious. “You take care of her physical needs, okay, but if you don't love her, she'll know it.”

“How is that supposed to help me?” you replied defensively.

“If you don't love her,” he stared at the infant in your arms, “you can give her to a family who will love her more than you do.” 

You tightened your embrace around your baby. “I've thought about that. But I'm afraid I'll regret it. Even if I hate her now, maybe I'll love her later.”

You couldn't understand what you felt for this child. You hated her; she represented your trauma. Every time you saw her, you were reminded of your rape, but at the same time… There was a kind of protectiveness, hard to explain, that prevented you from abandoning this child. Because this baby was innocent and hadn't asked for any of this.

“So you admit you hate her.”

“Yeah.”

He let out a heavy breath. “I don't understand why you don't want to get help from a therapist. You don't have to go through this alone.”

You looked away, your face tense.

“Look at me,” Eren said softly, brushing a lock of curly locks away from your face.

“You can't understand.”

“I pay your bills, baby.”

“And what?” Your voice grew hoarse.

“It means that I’m part of your life, yes or no, so I have the capacity to understand what you’re feeling.”

“You’re the one who told me not to get attached to you, and now you want me to let you in more and more.”

“I said I would take care of you, not be your boyfriend.”

You looked up at him, your jaw clenched.

“You’re doing everything a boyfriend does.”

“Except for one thing.” His intense gaze landed on your parted lips before moving up to lock with yours. “I’ve been a good boy, right? I didn’t fuck with you when you were so needy and lonely.”

He couldn’t imagine how his words hurt you. He was talking crudely about intimacy between you, without knowing that it was your greatest fear right now. The truth was, Eren had never been in a serious relationship, so he didn't realize how harsh his words had been. That's how he talked to women he wanted to sleep with; he'd never really been with anyone he cared about before you.

“You're mean.” Your eyes stung. “Don't ever talk about me that way again.”

“I can't cuss with you, baby?” He cocked his head to one side. “Tell me what else I shouldn't do. There must be things I need to learn about you.” 

He said “you,” but you both knew he meant “body.” He was flirting with you awkwardly, and you didn't know how to react. The way he spoke hurt, but you couldn't deny the effect his deep voice had on you, and the cologne enveloping you made you feel like you were bathing in his essence.

The situation was strange because you had one breast exposed, but his eyes weren't on it; they were fixed on your mouth.

“The fact that you didn't take advantage of my vulnerability is the bare minimum. Anyway, I would never have let you touch me.”

“Are you sure about that?” He moved even closer. “Maybe because you were so lonely, you asked me to keep your body warm.”

You focused on your baby so as not to meet his gaze and not to weaken under the pressure of the sensual atmosphere that had been created.

“Absolutely not.”

“I think you're mistaken.”

How could you tell him that you were terrified of intimacy without revealing your secret?

“I'm not that kind of girl, Eren.”

“I hope you'll show me what kind of girl you are one day.”

You sank back into the sofa, biting the inside of your cheek. Anxiety mixed with shyness, and you didn't know what to say.

“Since when do you see me like this?”

“Now. I'm an impulsive man.”

“I think you should find some women to have fun with. I don't want to be used.”

“Why do you have such a negative view of sex? I want to please you.”

The flashbacks flooded back. Your eyes watered. You were pathetic. You spent all your time crying and being a burden to Eren.

“Listen, Eren, it's very kind of you to do the grocery shopping and cleaning, but I'd like you to go home.”

“Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“No, it's just…” you sniffled.

Tell him. Tell Ony. File a complaint. Do something. Don't be pathetic.

“I think it would be better if we stopped talking.”

Eren flinched. That wasn't what he wanted to hear. Absolutely not.

“You’re tired, you should rest a little longer.” He patted your arm.

“No, Eren, I’m lucid. I bring you nothing. I give you nothing. I only take, take, and take. I’m not ready to heal, I’m not doing anything to get better, I’m only bringing you down. A friendship is supposed to be beneficial for both of us.”

“It is beneficial for me. I have fun when we talk. I love taking care of you. You’re my friend.”

“We aren’t friends, you want to fuck me.”

“Friends with benefits.”

“You’ll never have my benefits.”

His lips quirked up. “Don’t challenge me.”

“And in any case, our relationship isn’t healthy. You feel useful helping me because you have a savior complex.”

“That’s just how I was raised. I’m the man who takes care of his family, the man who provides, the man who protects. When my father died, the responsibility fell on me.”

“I’m not your family, Eren. And that’s a misogynistic way of thinking.”

“I know, but I don’t want to be cared for. I want to be useful to my loved ones. That’s how I operate.” He played with one of your curly locks.

“I want to love you too,” you whispered.

“I told you, ‘Don’t get attached to me.’ I don’t want your love.”

“So I should accept all your care without giving you anything in return?”

“Yeah, princess treatment. You don’t have to do anything.” 

Your heart was pounding. You desperately wanted to believe it, but scenarios of him betraying you flooded your mind.

“I don't know, ‘Ren… I—”

“Just try it for a few months, and if you don't like it, I'm out of your life.”

Your daughter started coughing, showing she'd had enough milk, and you tucked your breast into your top.

“Okay.” You tried to smile.

“I'll try to find you a therapist who makes sessions at your place.” Eren stood up and put his hands in the pockets of his baggy navy jeans.

“I don't—”

“Shut your mouth.” 

Your gazes challenged each other for a few seconds before you turned your head away, and Eren smirked.

“Have a good night,” he said before leaving the apartment.

What was this feeling of hope that all was not lost? Was this how you fall in love? But was it healthy? The relationship was so unbalanced. Did you have the right?

𖥸

౨ৎ eight months with you ౨ৎ

You and Eren had found a routine. Every Saturday, when Eren came to give you your weed, he'd run errands and clean while you took a nap. Every time you woke up, Eren had Neusa in his arms, and it gave you a strange feeling in your stomach. You avoided talking about the fact that he treated her like she was his daughter. The rest of the week, he made his drops, drew, and spent time with his friends. You texted a lot. You made an effort to ask as many questions as possible about Eren's life, since you were the center of your relationship with him. Eren had found a therapist who came every Wednesday for therapy sessions. Their name was Hange; they were a bit eccentric, but they didn't press the issue when you didn't want to talk about the root of your problems. The therapy focused on how to manage your anxiety.

There was so much to work on within yourself, but you weren't ready yet. Maybe you never will. Eren said it was okay if you never spoke, and you tried to believe him. You were brainstorming your novels when there was a knock at the door. You left your desk to open it and found Eren, his eyes red and his hands in his hoodie pockets. You might have thought he'd been smoking, but his eyes weren't half-closed, and the puffiness told you he'd been crying. It was a rare moment of vulnerability for him.

"Yo," he greeted you, his voice gruff.

"It's not Saturday." You let him into the apartment.

"Do I need a specific day to see my favorite girl?" Butterflies fluttered in your stomach the way he was referring to his favorite girl.

"Where is my second favorite girl?" He looked around the living room.

 “She’s asleep, leave her alone. You carry her more than I do.”

He let out a quiet laugh, then flopped onto the couch, spreading his legs. He patted his thighs with a look that said he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. You sat on your lap and he wrapped his arms around you, enveloping you in his warmth, then rested your head in the crook of your neck. A heavy breath escaped his mouth, as if he was holding back all his sorrows before crossing the threshold and could finally let them out.

“Why do you look like you’ve been crying?”

“Rough day,” he simply replied. You ran your hand through his hair, untangling a few strands, and he closed his eyes at your touch.

“I couldn’t go see my friends. The last time they saw me cry, I heard about it for years.”

Your body shook from your giggle, and he glared at you.

“So I figured I could go see the certified CEO of tears; at least you wouldn’t judge me.”

“It’s true that I cry a lot,” you admitted, your voice guilty.

“It means you have a lot of emotions to express, which is healthy. I feel a lot too, but it manifests in my anger. It’s no fun.”

You silently stroked his hair for a few moments before he spoke.

“It’s my dad’s birthday.”

Oh. Everything made sense.

You cupped his face in your hands to get a better look. With his bright eyes and sad expression, he looked like a little puppy deserving all the attention in the world.

“It’s ridiculous. I’m fine all year, and then there are days like this, when I feel like the world has collapsed.” 

“Hange told me the body remembers the date of the trauma.”

“I’m not traumatized. You are.”

You pouted. “It sounds like you’re talking about an illness.”

“Yeah, so if you could avoid infecting me, thanks.”

You mock-punched him, and his lips curved into a small smile.

“You look pretty when you pout. I might intentionally reproduce that expression on your face in the future.”

“I thought I was prettier when I smiled.”

“You’re the prettiest anyway, no debate.”

He nuzzled your neck, inhaling your comforting scent.

“You want to talk about your father?”

“Nah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Just being with you makes me feel good.”

That was enough to soothe your worried heart. You stayed cuddling for a while before Neusa woke up crying. You flinched, her cries triggering you as always, but Eren kissed you on the temple.

“I’ll take care of it.”

He got up to go to Neusa's room, and you took the opportunity to change into your pajamas and turn off all the lights in the apartment. Sitting on your bed, you waited for Eren, rolling blunts. He finally knocked on the door, his hands in his jeans pockets, his gaze fixed on the floor; he almost looked shy.

"I'm sorry to ask, but can I sleep over tonight? I don't really want to be alone." 

You patted the spot next to you without saying anything.

He sat up and looked at your blunts strangely.

"Why are they so fat?"

"It hit faster," you teased.

"Right, right, now you're an expert. Don't forget you always dropped the filter first." 

You scoffed before giving him a blunt. With a lighter, he lit it and took a few drags before lying down to stare at the ceiling where the smoke from his mouth rose.

“Imagine you build a family with someone and then you die, and it’s your first child who has to deal with what you left behind. Everything you worked so hard for—gone.”

“I think I’ll be very sad but very proud of my child in the afterlife.” 

A bitter smile formed on his lips.

“I doubt my father is proud of me. He was a doctor. Now I sell addictions to people.”

“I think the end justifies the means.”

“Me too.” He passed you the blunt so you could take a drag. “That’s why I can’t start a family.”

“Are you afraid of abandoning them when you die?”

“I guess so.” 

“What if you die of old age? You’ll be able to see your grandchildren and everyone will be happy?”

“It’s precisely because I can’t choose that I prefer to avoid disaster.” He glanced at you. “And you, what’s your greatest fear?”

Being betrayed again. You looked away, your eyes shifting.

“Okay, okay.” He rolled his eyes, but there was no malice in his voice. “At least tell Hange.”

“No, I want to tell you, but…”

“But what?”

“Eren, if I told someone what happened, it would be admitting I’m an idiot.”

“Connie is an idiot, and he’s perfectly fine with it.”

“Not an idiot like him. An idiot like… a victim.”

His eyes narrowed. “And what’s so idiotic about being a victim?”

“There’s no value in being on the side of those who didn’t fight.” 

He pulled your arm so you fell onto his chest. Your curly hair brushed against his face, and he gazed into your eyes.

“˚ʚ♡ɞ˚.”

“Yeah?” you replied shyly.

“No matter what happened to you, you shouldn’t be ashamed or think you’re worthless just because you couldn’t defend yourself. Fight or flight response, Hange didn’t you talk about that?”

“Just because you explain it rationally doesn’t change how I feel.” Your upper lip quivered.

“Do you want to cry?”

“I’m not pathetic, stop seeing me like that.” Your eyes welled up in spite of yourself.

He cupped your face, pulling it close until your noses touched.

“Cry, I’ll drink them in.”

You chuckled, your shoulders shaking. “You’re so embarrassing, oh my god.”

A tear fell into the space between his nose and lips, and he stuck out his tongue to lick it. You stared at him, dumbfounded.

“See?”

“That was very corny, Eren. Totally unsexy.”

“Because you usually find me sexy?” Heat rushed to your cheeks, but you tried to keep a normal, unflustered expression.

“No.”

“Liar.”

He licked your lips. Your eyes widened, a heat crackling in your lower abdomen.

“Eren…”

“Hm?”

“You’re weird.”

“I want you.”

He looked into your eyes, deadass. This was the day you'd been dreading. The day he'd confess the desire between you, the day you'd be forced to refuse him because of your fears, even though you were dying to discover who he was in an intimate setting. If you'd known him for two years right away, you would have undressed for him in a single glance. But you weren't the same person you used to be. Or at least, that's what you thought.

"I already told you I wasn't that kind of girl."

"Just a kiss, baby. I've been a good boy lately." 

You stared down at his plump lips, your mouth watering at the thought of kissing him passionately. What was stopping you? It was just a kiss. Nothing more. You didn't have to be afraid of Eren. You were safe. Your lips brushed for a few seconds before you pressed them against his. Just a kiss. He traced your upper lip with the edge of his tongue before slithering it into your mouth, sliding it onto yours. Just a kiss. He groaned into the kiss as your tongues tangled together. Just a kiss. So focused on feeling him make out with you, you forgot to breathe, so when he pulled away, you took a deep breath.

You looked at each other in silence for a moment, panting, before devouring each other's mouths again. His hands slipped under your t-shirt, caressing your sides, digging into the generous padding, kneading the pillowy flesh.

"So cute," he murmured against you. He liked having something to grab; he'd already noticed your ample curves before and was thrilled to finally be able to touch you. His rough hands on your soft skin made you shiver, and you missed what it felt like to be touched by someone. Missed what it felt like to be desired, to be seen as the most beautiful person on earth for a moment. Your brain on autopilot, your lips moved in sync, his tongue playing with yours as he gripped your thick waist. 

Not satisfied with the position, he rolled you onto your back to lie on top of you, his right hand on the headboard, his left elbow beside your ear. He ground his hips against yours to make you feel his erection, the friction fanning a fire in the pit of your stomach.  You were nothing but sweat, heat, and desire as you wrapped your legs around his waist and rocked your lower body against his. He pulled away to run hot, open-mouthed kisses over your skin, tickling you, and he smiled against your skin. The kiss had pressed a button in your brain, releasing fragments of your former self, a confident girl who knew how to enjoy herself with boys.

It wasn't until he pulled off your t-shirt, until the cold air hit your skin, that you snapped out of your trance, and your defenses reformed with lightning speed. As if regaining consciousness, your gaze lost its fiery glint, your body began to tremble, and you avoided his gaze, covering your chest with your hands. He lifted his head from your neck. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” he whispered, “what’s bothering you?” 

Your words died on your tongue. He tilted his head, his eyes gentle. He wanted to choose the right words. He had connected the dots, and he had a pretty good idea what had happened. You’d have to be blind not to understand.

“You know, can you tell me anything?” 

You nodded, still not meeting his eyes. “

You know I would never hurt you?” 

In the fog that was the inside of your head, Eren’s deep voice brought you back to reality. It grounded you.

You timidly raised your head toward him and nodded again. He pulled off your pajama shorts, taking your panties with them. He leaned down to trail kisses from your neck to your stomach, taking care to suck on your brown nipples, goosebumps erupting with every lick and press of his lips. Reaching your hips, he tried to spread your legs, but they were firmly closed.

“Please, baby, I will make you feel so good.” He kissed your thighs, waiting for you. You slowly opened your legs, Eren nibbled the inside of your thighs, and moved up to your tight heat to part your lips with his fingers. In front of your tender cunt, he was almost in love; she was so pretty, she needed his care.

His tongue caressed your wet folds, fanning the flames that threatened to consume your entire being. Placing your thighs on his shoulders for better positioning, he sank his tongue inside, twisting around at a slow pace, always gently, as if your most intimate parts were sacred. He collected your arousal in his mouth, his eyes rolling back with the sweet taste. There was something intimate about having your taste in his mouth, your scent enveloping his face.

You were so withdrawn, keeping your precious secrets hidden in your heart, safe from others. He wanted you to let go, to savor this moment without your inner demons making you doubt whether you deserved this pleasure or not. He pushed his tongue further, touching you in hidden recesses deep inside. You stared at the ceiling, your heart pounding. You were with a man, in your bed, doing things you never thought you'd do again because of your fears. Everything was okay; you could allow yourself to enjoy yourself. It was okay if your legs trembled; Eren seemed not to mind. You got this.

He explored every inch of your pussy, slurping the slick leaking from your slit. He knew he was good at this, but he didn't know if you liked what was happening because you were still. Often, eating out was a passionate act with the giver devouring his partner and the woman frantically rocking her hips in their face. But your body was inert; you made no sound. He pulled his mouth away from you to raise his head.

“You good?” he murmured.

You propped yourself up on your elbows to look at him. “I can’t cum, Eren.”

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean you can’t cum?”

Everyone can cum, right? Why can’t you?

“I… Something happened.”

Her eyes saddened. “Baby, who hurt you so badly? There’s nothing you can do.”

The feeling of being a burden, a useless and broken woman, washed over you again. The urge to cry returned, but you were tired of being a crybaby. It was embarrassing. You wanted to be strong, someone Eren could be proud to have around, not the broken girl he helped because he’d been raised with a savior complex.

“I’m sorry, Eren, you can leave if—”

“Hell no.” The tips of her fingers teased your entrance. “It’s okay if you don’t reach your peak, we can still have a good time. The most important thing is to share something.” 

This was a bit unfamiliar to Eren. When he slept with women, the goal was for both of them to orgasm, and then it was over. He'd never truly shared anything as intense as this, where he had to take care of someone and simply enjoy the moment without performing. Enjoy the present moment. He'd never really done that before. His life was a constant race for money; he didn't have time to rest. He plunged two fingers into your glistening flesh, the palms of his hands facing the ceiling so he could curl them inside and reach your sweet spot. You tensed at the sensation of a foreign object penetrating you, a flashback to when the traitor had thrust his fingers inside you, ignoring your distress and your "no."

Eren noticed your panicked eyes and slowed the pace of his thrusting. He lowered his head to slide his tongue over your clit, wrapping his lips around the sluice bud to suck it. A soft fire snaked through you, awakening every fiber of your being. You closed your eyes tightly, your body heating up. You arched your back, your breath becoming ragged at the divine sensation of his tongue on your sensitive flesh and his fingers pumping in and out of you. It wasn't pointless. Even if something inside you was broken, it wasn't useless. There was meaning in doing this.

“That's an expression I've never seen,” he whispered, his warm breath on your cunt, “what do I have to do to make you keep it forever?” The thrusts of his fingers became more intense, the squelch of pussy filling the room. A moan tore from your lips. “Tell me, baby. What's your favorite sex position?”

“Currently or when I was normal?”

“You’re normal to me. The best kind.”

“I think…” Your eyebrows furrowed as you tried to remember a time when fear wasn’t your primary emotion. “I liked when my legs were on a man’s shoulders.” Eren pulled away from you and removed his t-shirt, revealing a body covered in black ink, the contours of his bulging muscles making your mouth water. The rest of his clothes fell to the floor, and once he stood naked before you, like a Greek god, you bent your knees and spread your legs a little wider. Eren followed your movement with his eyes, his lips curving into a smirk.

“You want me?” His voice dropped a few octaves, becoming husky.

How could you tell him you found him sexy with his burning green eyes contrasting with the darkness of his hair and neck tattoos? That he so masculine next to you that it made you long for a better relationship with your femininity? You stared at him, your gaze shy, hoping he would figure it out on his own. He grabbed one of your calves to pull your ass to the edge of the bed, then slid his hands down to your hips to lift your lower body, bringing it closer to his erection. Lying down, the position allowed you to glimpse his pink tip nudging your entrance, his imposing size, and your heart gripped with terror. What if Eren were to transform into a monster? Shatter your trust? Betray you? Fuck you without regard for your boundaries and fears? Ignore your "no" and your "stop"?

"I'm not him," he reassured you, feeling the tremors in your body. "You're safe and cared for. I'll stop if you're uncomfortable." He took your legs, placing your heels on his shoulders, and turned his head to kiss one of your calves. “Do you trust me?”

You wanted to say yes, that he was the only man who made your heart beat since your rape, but the words wouldn't come. Tears prickled at the corners of your eyes, and you rushed to dry them because you didn't want to be a crybaby.

“Stop that shit,” he gritted out, “you know you can cry with me. I won't judge.” He wanted to bend down to kiss you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, to make love to you missionary-style to reassure you, but he was afraid his weight on you would trigger you. 

He didn't know what he was doing. He had never slept with a woman who had been raped. He had never been very gentle in bed, especially with one-night stands that didn't require emotional intimacy. But you, you needed all his attention and affection. He felt that if he held you wrong, you'd collapse, and in a way, he was waiting for you to do that so you'd see he was capable of catching you.

"Let it out," he continued, "if you can't enjoy sex, at least use this moment as an outlet." He placed his hand on one of your thick thighs pressed against his sculpted abdomen. "I'll start, is that okay with you, baby?"

Consent is sexy, consent is godly, so why do you feel miserable? Eren was definitely rough in bed. It suited his vibe. You didn't like him making an effort for you; it made you feel fragile when you wanted to be a strong woman. You gave him a slow nod. He moved his hips forward, burying the tip inside, cursing under his breath because you were so tight, he hadn't prepared you enough. He looked so beautiful like this, his gaze focused, brows furrowed, his body tense with the feeling that he couldn't go any deeper now. You wanted to devour him. He pulled out, a guilty expression on his face.

"I didn't do enough foreplay—"

"You can fuck me, Eren." You sniffled. "I want you."

"Promise me you won't tell this to another man." With the slow drag of his dick, he penetrated you, stretching you to his size. He closed his eyes and sighed at the sensation of the damp, tight heat enveloping him. “Keep saying shit like this. Just for me.”

As the roll of his hips fed into you, you whispered praise about him, how sexy you found him, how you wanted him to take you, how good it felt to feel him inside you. His ego swelled, and his lips quirked up, but he remained silent, flooded with your verbal desire. Tears streamed down your cheeks, flashbacks flooding your mind, but talking to him kept you grounded in the moment. He didn't tell you to stop crying, that you were ruining the mood, that you were weak. He accepted vulnerability, making it his own.

Every thrust of his hips filled you, spreading a warmth throughout your being that cradled you. The slick spilling from your cunt added a new sound atmosphere as the wet noises of your union filled the room. After a while, you were no longer able to speak, the hot coil in your lower belly winding tighter and tighter, like an insatiable hunger devouring your body. Your lips parted, you panted, your ample chest rising and falling, your breathy moans mingling with his groans. The green of his eyes was stormy with desire as he took of the sight of your sweaty body being taken by him. Everything was so right, everything was so good.

“Touch yourself,” he commanded, his voice rapsy.

“I can’t cum, it’s no use.”

“I don’t think I asked for your opinion. Touch yourself.”

Your hand, which was clinging to the sheets, descended to the feverish warmth of your inner thighs, so that your fingers made circles on your throbbing bud. His gaze darkened and he picked up the pace—his movements still gentle.

“Touch your chest.”

Your other hand began to knead one of your breasts. “L-Like this?”

He bit his lower lip, staring at you. The sight made his cock twitch inside you. “I’m going to finish soon if you keep teasing me like this.”

You chuckled. “I’m doing what you want me to do…”

“Don’t laugh at me before I fuck you like a slut.”

Fear flashed across your face and he smirked.

“Awwww,” he teased, “sorry, baby.”

You moved your foot to try and kick him in the face, but he kissed your toes. He angled his hips deeper, and a gasp escaped your mouth at how full of him you were. An electric urgency coursed beneath his skin, awakening every crease, every hollow, urging him to fuck you faster. “E-Eren, wait,” you breathed out as his thrusts quickened, your sobs intensifying.

“I’m not him,” he rasped, rocking his hips, his insides igniting with a gentle fire. “You feel it? How good I fill you? How good I fuck you? I can feel your pussy pulsing around me.”

“I’m scared…”

“Of what? Where’s the danger?”

“I don’t know,” you sobbed, “I don’t feel good.”

Eren stopped abruptly. He released your hips and looked at you with concern as you curled up on the bed, your hands covering your face. Everything wasn’t right, everything wasn’t good. Eren ran a hand through his hair. What should he do? Letting you cry because you needed to, or trying to comfort you? But what could he say to erase such a violent fear? He got dressed and left the room. From cleaning your place so often, he knew where most of your things were. He took out a glass, filled it with juice, grabbed a packet of candy, and went back into the bedroom. He sat down next to you and stroked your back.

“I’m so sorry,” you sobbed.

“I don’t see anyone offended in the room.”

He put the glass and candy on the floor before pulling you back close to his chest. His erection was aching, but reassuring you was more important. You were probably thinking you were a burden, a miserable woman. You needed to hear that you weren’t any of that. He kissed the top of your head. 

“You’re not broken, just a bit damaged.”

“It’s been two years, and I’m still the same.”

“People suffer from their trauma for decades and decades, ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚. You’re at the very beginning of your healing.”

You sniffled, snuggling against his chest. “But I have a baby, I can’t continue to be such a mess.”

“You didn’t even want the baby, how do you expect to be okay?”

“I should have had an abortion,” you murmured.

He didn’t judge you; he took your pain and held it close. “You can still put her in an orphanage.”

“No.” You nuzzled his chest. “Imagine her being abused by a family…”

“You say you hate her, but you’re very protective.”

“I don’t want to talk about her. Just hold me.”

“Okay.” 

In the following weeks, Eren slept with you every Saturday. It wasn’t easy. You had to find positions that wouldn't trigger you, and he had to manage to stay aroused even if you were crying against him. But he was making an effort for you; he knew you needed that space to express yourself. You didn't really talk about being a couple, even though your relationship was particularly ambiguous. Sleeping with Eren had unlocked something within you, and for the first time in your life, you had dared to talk to Hange about your rape. The healing process was only just beginning.

𖥸

౨ৎ ten months with you ౨ৎ

“What if he rapes me now that he has access to my body?” The tremor in your voice didn't go unnoticed. Hange adjusted her glasses and leaned over the table, crossing her arms, her eyes serious.

“What if everything happened and you'd met a charming man who loved you? Did you consider that possibility before you first thought of the catastrophe?”

“Eren doesn't love me. He's just used to taking care of his mother and sister, so he's incapable of leaving a woman alone in distress. He's got an ego. He likes to be in control of my life.”

“It's true that your relationship is unbalanced right now, but there's no guarantee that won't change with time.”

You looked down, sniffing. “I’d like to have a relationship with him once I’ve regained my personality. Once I have something to offer him. I’m just a shadow of my former self these days.”

The worst thing about trauma is that the day the incident happens, everything collapses for you, but the world keeps turning. You’ve lost a part of yourself, but it’s just another random Monday for everyone else. You continue to sink, but capitalist society wants you to remain productive; you don’t have time to wallow in self-pity. And God forbid, PTSD takes control of your entire personality; you’ll be seen as annoying.

“I’m trying to write right now, but I’m struggling. All the writing advice I get tells me it’s wrong to write trauma-defined characters and that they need to have a lovable side personality so the reader connects with them, but… What if the trauma makes you weak, miserable, detestable? The only times trauma completely transforms a person is often with the villains in fiction.” You raised your head, a passionate glint in your eyes like every time you talked about writing. “I want to write a character like me.” 

Hange’s eyes softened. ‘L$D’ by A$AP ROCKY played in your kitchen, the dreamy soft song filling the room. Hange always played music to make her patients feel comfortable.

“Why don’t you write a memoir? Write everything you feel in a journal, and once you think you’ve made peace with your past, write a memoir.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever make peace with my past…”

“You never thought you’d sleep with a man again, but look at you now. Getting slutted out every week.” 

Blood rushed to your cheeks as your flustered expression made Hange laugh.

The rest of the therapy session went smoothly. A few minutes after Hange left your apartment, Eren knocked on the door.

“Sup.” He was standing there, hands in the pockets of his baggy navy jeans, his bicep tattoos standing out even more against his white t-shirt. You’d let him kiss you against the door if you could.

“Hey,” you smiled softly. “You need something? It’s not Saturday.”

“I’ve been thinking about something. I think it would do you good to have some friends. You don’t see anyone all week except me, it’s not healthy.” 

“But I’m afraid to leave the house…”

“That’s why I’ll come with you. You won’t be alone,” he promised, nodding his chin, “go get dressed and take Neusa with you.” 

You went to do as he asked, ignoring the butterflies fluttering in your stomach and the fact that he wanted to improve your social life.

𖥸

Eren's car stopped in front of a mysterious building, its architecture modern and its windows large. Eren took Neusa in his arms and walked you to the entrance without giving you any information. Once inside, while Eren spoke to the receptionist, you observed the multitude of posters on the walls, and a flash of understanding crossed your face as you read their contents. It was an association for women who were victims of sexual abuse. All types of sexual abuse, whether incest, prostitution, or marital rape. The association opened its doors to any woman whose "no" had been ignored, to any woman who had been pressured into saying "yes," or to any woman who thought it was normal to sleep with someone older while still a minor.

You stared at Eren's back, biting your lower lip. What had you done to deserve this? All you did was cry and be needy. As if he could hear your thoughts, he turned around.

“They have support groups and a social media group for those who need to talk more. There’s one starting in five minutes in the door on the left. I’ll wait for you in the waiting room.”

“Eren, why are you doing all this? I’m not even—”

“Shut up, you’re going to ruin my mood.”

Eren ignored you and went to sit down and play with Neusa. There was something comical about watching this muscular, tattooed man play with a little baby. You could hear your daughter’s soft coos, and your heart swelled.

The support group session lasted a good hour. There were all kinds of women in a small group of 15. Prostitutes, teenagers, mothers. Some had completely fallen apart after their rape, just like you; some had become addicted to sex; others hadn't realized the gravity of the situation until years later; and still others had been abused at a young age and confused love with sex, especially when the perpetrator was a family member. You remained silent for the entire hour, but you listened attentively to what they said. Sometimes it resonated with your own feelings; sometimes you gained a new perspective on the trauma that you hadn't considered. It was comforting to be surrounded by people who admitted to being deeply affected by the same event as you.

You no longer felt weak or alone. These women were strong, and it would be foolish to exclude you, thinking you were the exception, the one who would never heal. Perhaps you will be left with lasting effects, but you will learn to live with them because everyone has a degree of resilience within them. You exchanged numbers with the other mothers; at least you'd get some parenting advice, and you could talk to them about your mixed feelings about your daughter. Eren looked up as you left the room.

“I thought you'd come back crying,” he teased, getting up from his chair to join you.

“I feel strangely good. It did me good.”

“Good.”

The car ride was quick, but instead of going to your apartment, it stopped at Ony's.

“Eren—”

“You need to make up with your brother.” 

A shadow fell over your face.

“I don't want to talk to someone who's friends with my rapist.” 

“But he doesn’t know anything, ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚. He can’t guess. He’s not with you as often as I am, so I figured out what happened.”

 You stared silently at your daughter.

“Talk to him, please,” he insisted, “you’re doing everything right, things will start getting better for you, I promise.”

When Ony opened the door and saw you and Eren, with your daughter in your arms, his radiant smile made your heart ache.

“I’ll leave you two alone.” Eren took Neusa and went into the house, leaving you alone with Ony. Ony closed the door and pressed his back against it, crossing his muscular arms over his chest.

“So…” he began.

“How’s it going with university?”

His eyes lit up.

“It’s so great, the master’s program is much more interesting than the bachelor’s. I love studying architecture so much that I think I’ll continue all the way to a doctorate.”

You gave him a small smile. Ony had always been a very intelligent and ambitious man. Ever since he was little, he’d always wanted to build houses; Lego was his favorite toy when he was a kid. So when, after finishing high school, he said he wanted to have his own architecture firm, everyone knew he was going to be successful.

“It makes me happy to see you thriving.”

“And you? Have you been writing your novels?”

You made a face. “I stopped writing after my pregnancy, but I’ve started again recently. I’m just afraid people won’t like them.” 

“Why? You're talented, you've always written since you were little. I was so surprised when I found your Wattpad account when you were 13. You were freaky as hell on here.”

A quiet laugh escaped you. “Yeah, I know… It's just that I want to write about what happened to me, but I feel like all the writing advice tells me my way is wrong.”

“Who gives a fuck? It's your story, you know what you went through, so you write it however you want.”

Tell him.

“Ony, I…” Your throat tightened, the words stuck in your mouth.

“Yeah?”

“Are you still friends with… Floch?” Saying his name made you feel nauseous.

“Of course I am, he wants to do a PhD with me. It's cool to have a friend with the same ambitions as you.”

“R-Right…”

“Are you okay?” He placed a hand on your shoulder, worried by the tears welling in your eyes.

“Ony, Floch hurt me really badly… I… I would like you to stop talking to him.”

Surprise flashed across his face. “He hurt you?”

“He’s Neusa’s father.” 

A deep crease formed between his eyebrows as he considered what you were trying to say before his face hardened.

“You… you slept together? And he didn’t take responsibility for the baby?”

“It’s so much worse than that, Ony. Don’t make me say it out loud.” 

Fury ignited in his eyes as he realized what had happened.

“Fuck, ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚! Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You spent your whole pregnancy alone with this on your mind, damn it!”

“I-It’s okay, Ony, it’s okay. I needed this time alone; I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about it.”

“No, this isn’t okay, you have to file a complaint! I’m going to kill him the moment I see him at college, I swear to God—”

“Ony, I’m the victim, so I get to decide what happens to my rape,” you cut in, your voice harsh, “I don’t want to go to the police, and I don’t want to cause any trouble. So you’re not going to do anything to him. I just want you to stop being his friend so I feel safe with you.”

His face softened, his gaze turned guilty. “Okay, sorry. You’re right, it’s your trauma. It’s just… It’s so unfair. I wasn’t there when you needed me.”

You wrapped your arms around him, holding him tight. He inhaled your scent, which he had missed during the months you had cut ties with him.

“I'm glad I sent Eren to be your friend; he brought my sister back to me.”

“Hm, we're more than friends…”

“No way, he loves you like that?”

“I don't think he really loves me—” 

The door opened, the baby's cries interrupting your conversation.

“I think she's hungry,” Eren stated, rocking the baby in his arms.

“Okay, let's go home, then,” you suggested and glanced at Ony. “Don't you see me differently?”

He huffed. “The fuck you're talking about? It's not your fault. It's him I see differently now.” Ony kissed your cheeks goodbye before giving you one last hug. The care ride to your apartment was short, and after you breastfed your daughter, Eren rocked her to sleep.

Once you were alone, Eren lay down on your bed and sat you on his lap. His hands came to rest on your ass, and he kneaded your ample flesh, his eyes closed.

“Eren?”

“Hm?”

“What do you like about me?”

His eyes fluttered open. He stared at you, lingering on your pouty lips. “Everything.”

“I am more nothing than everything, Eren.”

“That’s not true.” He sat up on the bed and pulled you against his chest. “I love your smile. You never smile, so I go crazy when I manage to get a happy expression on your face. It’s like winning a gold medal. You’re a bit like a cat; it takes a long time for you to give your trust. It’s rewarding to be with you. I like working for your trust.”

His words sent a wave of heat through your entire body.

“Eren…”

“I love it when you talk to me about your novels. You have such a vivid imagination; I could listen to you for hours. I hope to read them someday.”

“I don’t know when I’ll finally finish my projects…”

“But you will, I’m sure of it.” His hands cupped your face, and he pressed his lips to yours. You wrapped your arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. “I like being here for you. It makes me useful, I love taking care of you,” he whispered against you.

You flinched. “This isn’t healthy, Eren. A good relationship should be balanced; I should give you as much as you give me. This is toxic between us. It’s your ego wanting to be useful and control everything.”

His hands slipped under your t-shirt to caress your soft stomach, his erection hardening at the feel of your pillowy flesh that he loved to touch. “What if this is how our relationship should be? I’ll be the one who provides, and you just focus on healing.”

“It’s toxic—”

“Who gives a shit? Let’s be toxic together.” He lifted your t-shirt and you raised your arms for him to take it off. “Let’s be unconventional, let’s be abnormal.”

Thirty minutes later, the sound of your pants filled the room as you rode Eren on his lap, his hands gripping your ass as if it were his most precious possession. He ravished your mouth, making out with you passionately, his kisses desperate as he wanted you to accept the unbalanced nature of their relationship, to accept his care and his love language. Your eyes were closed, while his remained wide open, feverish, in love.

“Eren?”

“Hm?”

He tugged at your hair to make you lift your chin and traced his mouth down your neck, leaving a wet trail behind him. Your mind was in a daze, you were bathed in his affection, enveloped by him, his scent all around you. Like on a cloud, your heart swelled, almost bursting with the love you felt for him.

“I think I really love you,” you murmured.

His grip on your hair tightened, and he paused, his warm breath on your skin.

“Don't say stupid shit like this.”

“I know, we shouldn't, we aren't healthy, but—”

A heavy breath escaped his lips. “That's not the problem, baby. You know damn well what the real problem is.”

“Eren, you can't control death. It's not your fault if you die and your family is left without you.”

His hands gripped your hips, guiding you to ride him faster. A veil of shadow crossed his face.

“Shut up, you can't understand. You don't know me.” 

“I can’t understand? I don’t know you?” You huffed. “That’s why you came to me when you were crying for your father?”

 He stretched his back on the bed and pressed the heels of his feet into the floor to lift his hips and thrust harder into you. Your hands fell onto his shoulders as you bounced on his dick, the ball of heat in your belly threatening to explode at any moment.

“Don’t talk about that when I fuck you,” he muttered.

“So when are we going to talk about this?”

“When I’m ready, for fuck’s sake. I’ve been patient with you, right? Are you the only one allowed to be traumatized or what?” he snarled, pounding into you. You wanted to contradict him, tell him you understood his pain, but you wanted him all to yourself so badly that you were frustrated with the situation, but the pleasure took over. Your pants turned into breathy moans as he rutted into your pulsing hole. He made you ride him, making your whole body jiggle, making you feel alive and so turned on. His eyes half-lidded, his mouth watered at the sight of your tits bouncing around.

You tried to cover your mouth to avoid waking your daughter, but he yanked your arm away and wrapped his arms around your waist, pressing your sweaty chest against his. He shivered at your whines next to his ears, his ragged breathing beside you making your cunt clench. Bending his knees, he raised his hips even higher so his downward strokes would deepen, hitting your spongy spot inside you. The embers in the hollow of your body ignited, awakening all your senses, every inch of skin.

“E-Eren, I think I'm gonna….” Your mouth agape, waves of pleasure rising from your core and stretching through your body, making you tremble as your drenched heat tightened around Eren.

“Cum for me, baby,” he whispered in your ear as his thumb slipped between your thighs to slide onto your clit. “Give me that shit.”

The combination of his finger on your throbbing bud and his deep voice in your ears made your eyes roll back as you let yourself succumb to the ecstasy that was washing over you. Eren hissed, your cunt spasming around him, biting his lower lip to keep from coming inside you just yet. Once you came down from your high, breathless, you looked at Eren, shocked. He smirked, an arrogant glint in his eye.

“I-I came!”

“Damn, this dick is really that good.”

“Eren!” 

He resumed the rhythm of his thrusts, slower now.

“I think it’s because you weren’t thinking about your rape. You were so busy trying to change my mind that your body gave out.”

Your eyes watered, moved by the progress you had made.

He chuckled. “Crybaby.” He pressed his lips against yours.

He continued making love to you, hoping you would forget the little argument you'd had, focusing on how good he was in bed with you.

𖥸

౨ৎ one year with you ౨ৎ

“Papa?” Eren was giving Neusa a bath when she uttered her first word. It wasn’t a word for her mother, but a word for him. He stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes widening. He tried to ignore how his heart swelled with affection, how much he wanted those words to hold him in his heart for the rest of his life.

“Y-Yes?” 

Neusa smiled and raised her arms to hug him, a joyful glint in her brown eyes. He leaned into the tub to give her what she wanted, even though she wet his t-shirt. She snuggled against him, her chubby body contrasting with the hardness of his muscles, but it was mostly his scent that made her want to be close to him. His hands trembled behind her back; he didn’t know what to do with the emotions fluttering like butterflies within him.

She thought he was her father. Was he ready for this? Damn it, what the hell was he doing taking care of a baby that wasn't even his? He finished bathing and dressing Neusa in silence, his mind racing. He put her in the playpen he'd bought for her and slipped on his shoes. He had to get out of here as fast as he could. He was just doing stupid things, things he'd sworn he'd never do. Before leaving the apartment, he glanced at you sleeping on the sofa. Was this love? Something that confronted your fears and made you miserable for someone? He didn't need that, damn it.

He drove like a maniac, frustrated by all the people in front of him who were preventing him from quickly meeting up with his friends. Once he arrived at Ony's, when he opened the door, Eren barely greeted him and entered the house. In the living room, Connie was playing Final Fantasy VII on the PS4, being Cloud Strife while Armin studied his biology. Eren slumped on the sofa and leaned over to rummage through the coffee table drawers for the weed Ony always kept there.

“Ren, you’re not at home, you could at least say hello, you asshole,” Ony muttered, giving Eren a light tap on the head.

“Fuck off, I’m in a bad mood.”

“That single mother pussy is no longer good?” Connie teased.

“Say one more thing like that about her, and I’ll fuck Sasha and send you the video.”

“You’ll never do that, you’re too in love with that other depressive.”

“Yeah, that’s the fucking problem,” Eren muttered. Armin glanced at Connie as if to say, "Stop, this seems serious," and Connie rolled his eyes.

"What happened with my sister?" Ony sat down next to Eren.

"You're going to laugh at me."

"Is this any different from usual?" Connie chuckled.

Armin threw a pillow at his face. "You can speak to us, we're your best friends," he reassured him in a soft voice.

"Dickrider," Connie huffed.

Eren took a drag on his blunt and exhaled the smoke, leaning back against the sofa.

"I think I'm in love and it's scaring the shit out of me."

"Awwwww," Connie cooed.

"Finally," Ony shook his head, "I knew your avoidant ass would fall in love one day." 

Eren glared at his friends. "You don't even understand the problem, you idiots. I can't. I really can't."

"Don't ever think of leaving my sister, it will destroy her."

Eren looked away.

"Eren." Ony's gaze hardened. "Don't even think about it."

"His daughter takes me for her father. I have reached my limit."

"And whose fault is that?" Connie sneered. "You always take care of his baby like it's your own."

Armin, who had been silently observing the situation, dropped his biology textbooks and cleared his throat.

"Is it because of your father, Eren?"

"What else do you think it's because of, you moron?" Eren shot daggers at Armin. 

“That’s not how you deal with your dickrider, Eren,” Connie joked.

“I don’t know why I came to see you, you’re useless. I’m getting out of here.” Eren got up from the couch, but Ony grabbed his arm.

“Man, you need us. Stop your bullshit.” 

Eren stared at the wall without looking at his friend, his jaw clenched. Of course he needed them, but how could he express the fear he felt? He felt like he was becoming that lost teenager again, forced to take on the role of father in his family. A pressure that wouldn’t leave him, and one he didn’t want to intensify. The vivid memory of having to be more authoritative with his sister and being his mother's emotional support when he was only 15 brought tears to his eyes, and he lowered his head to avoid Ony noticing, but it was too late because Ony stroked his back.

“Connie, turn off the PS4,” Ony ordered.

“Damn, I was gonna see Tifa.” Connie turned off the game console and focused on Eren, whose gaze was shifty. “You know what you need? A good car ride while you trauma dump your miserable life.”

“My life isn’t miserable,” Eren said defensively.

“You’re literally a drug dealer, man.”

“I bet your girl buys it from me.”

“Okay, that’s enough. Everyone out,” Ony commanded. The group of men left the house and gathered in Eren’s car. It was Connie driving, and Eren pressed his temple against the passenger window. He watched the scenery go by, while his friends put on their favorite music in the car.

He was thinking about you. You had made so much progress. You smiled much more, didn't cry during sex anymore, went out to run errands, and had even made friends at the association. He hadn't forgotten the time you asked him not to come over one Saturday because you were going out to a bar with your friends. He was so proud of you. What would happen if he drifted away from you? You'd find a man who didn't have to do all the work Eren had done to be by your side. It would be so easy for him. Neusa would forget Eren quickly, and you would be a happy family. Everything would be right, everything would be good. He felt like throwing up just thinking about it. Eren was selfish. He wanted you all to himself, like that PnB Rock song.

“What if I take the plunge?” Eren began, his voice unsure. “I mean… I’m more likely to end up in prison than to die suddenly like my father, right?”

“Yeah, your destiny is prison.” 

Eren shot a cold glare at Connie.

“If your father had died of a hereditary disease, your fear would be valid. But it’s just your trauma talking because there’s no guarantee you’ll have the same life as your father,” Armin argued, which soothed Eren’s fears.

“I think you should go to therapy,” Ony suggested. “Imagine if you run away at every baby milestone, you’ll traumatize her.” 

He had forced his mother to talk to someone so much that he had forgotten he, too, was affected by his father’s death. Eren’s phone rang in his pocket. It was you.

‘You didn’t close the baby playpen, she was playing with knives!!’ 

His fingers slid across the keypad. 

'Since when have you been worried about her?'

'That's not the point. You'd make a terrible father.' 

The amused smile he'd been wearing vanished.

'Don't say stuff like that ever again.' 

He ignored your other messages and put his phone back in his pocket.

“We can go home,” he announced.

Armin had a bad feeling. “What are you going to do?”

“What I'm the best at.”

𖥸

Eren ignored you for three weeks. No calls, no messages, no visits. Nothing. It broke your heart, and you struggled to imagine your story was over.

“You’re way too pretty to be crying over that bastard.” Ymir grabbed your phone, which you were staring at, stupidly waiting for a notification from Eren.

“Don’t call him that, he’s—”

“He’s an asshole, ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚,” Historia cut in, and you knew when she used cuss words, she meant it. Ymir and Historia were both women in the association. After a lot of abuse from men, when they found each other, it felt like destiny.

“You know what you need? What do we do when we need a break, Historia?” 

Historia blushed, playing with her blonde hair as she tried to form her answer. “You sleep with someone.”

“Hell no,” you protested, but Ymir pushed you into the bar against your will.

“You already have the outfit for it,” Historia argued, following you.

“Thanks for making me wear this dress,” you grumbled, smoothing the creased fabric of the red mini-dress that was attracting the attention of every man in the bar. “You know very well that this isn’t like me.”

“Yes, when you’re sober.” Ymir smiled wickedly.

You looked up in exasperation, deciding you would just go along with it for the night, to take your mind off things. The rest of the night passed in a daze as the alcohol transformed you into this sociable, smiling woman. You met a man, Jean, who made you laugh while Eren made you cry, so it was only natural that you brought him home, encouraged by Ymir's thumbs-up. You didn't even remember his hands on your body or his mouth on your skin. The only thing on your mind when you woke up was that Eren still hadn't contacted you.

𖥸

౨ৎ one year and three months with you౨ৎ

“After spending your childhood shouldering responsibilities that weren’t suited to your age, you avoid any situation that demands too much of you?” Eren’s therapist still had that cold, nonchalant voice as he spoke truths Eren wasn’t ready to accept. Mr. Ackerman was a pain in the ass.

“That’s not what I said,” Eren muttered, glaring at him.

“What have you done these past few weeks to confirm something else?”

“We don’t care about that.”

“Ah.” Levi’s lips quirked up (but never more than that). “So you want me to be a hypocrite, Yeager?”

“I’m just saying—”

“You’re weak. Very weak. Weaker than her. She didn’t run away from you when she was scared.” 

Eren's heart tightened painfully, and he jumped up from his chair, his eyes blazing fury.

"Fuck you." Eren stormed out of the therapist's office.

"See you next Wednesday," Levi managed to say before Eren slammed the door.

Once outside, Eren frantically searched for a cigarette and cursed under his breath, realizing he was out. He bought some at a nearby tobacco shop before the pack slipped from his hands as his eyes fell on you, just a few meters away. Dressed in a floral dress with ruffles, you radiated light, the sun's rays illuminating your hair and brown eyes. You were leaving the convenience store with shopping bags while a man with chestnut hair held Neusa. He said something that made you laugh, and Eren felt like committing a terrorist act. His feet walked on their own toward you as his hand crushed the pack of cigarettes.

“What the hell are you doing?”

You stopped dead in your tracks, your smile fading before the angry man in front of you.

“Eren?”

“I work on myself, and what are you doing? Sleeping with the whole town?”

“Papa!” Neusa reached out toward Eren, a confused glint in her eyes, as if she remembered him and no longer wanted the man holding her.

You flinched. “Don’t talk like that in front of my child.”

“Don’t bring strangers around in front of my daughter, then.”

“Your daughter?!” you repeated, incredulous.

“Yeah, my daughter,” he replied, his voice harsh.

“Is he Neusa’s father?” Jean asked, a superior look on his face because he was the one you had chosen at that moment. 

You tightened the straps on your bags. “You could say that.”

“Give me that fucking baby,” Eren ordered Jean, who was staring at him in surprise.

Eren didn't wait and basically yanked Neusa away from him before driving off with her. You rushed after him, yelling, leaving a sheepish Jean behind.

“You can't come back into my life after ignoring me for three months!”

“Put your ass in the car and shut the fuck up.”

Eren sat Neusa in the child seat in the back seat, and your heart swelled at the fact that he hadn't thrown her out. Maybe he'd planned to come back all along?

You put the groceries in his trunk and ignored the voice in your head telling you that you had no backbone. You sat on the passenger side and while he drove, you refused to look at him.

“You give your body to any idiot who gives you attention now?”

“You quickly forget how you got me into your bed.”

“I worked for that. He doesn’t even know your deepest wound.”

“It felt good to spend time with him,” you confessed sincerely. “I didn’t constantly feel weak and miserable like I did with you. I finally felt like something, like I was more than just a raped girl.”

Eren stared at the road, his eyes dark and his grip on the steering wheel tight. He didn’t like that conversation at all.

“What does that even mean?”

“Nothing, just that life is still worth living when you’re not here.” 

Why did it hurt him so much that you weren’t broken by his absence? He wanted to be indispensable to those close to him. That was the purpose of his existence.

“I guess it’s good that you’re not depressed anymore,” he grumbled.

“You… guess?”

“Do you want me to be honest for a moment?” He glanced at you, his gaze hard. “I wanted you to be at your lowest point when I came back.” 

You blinked several times, no emotion on your face because you knew very well what kind of man Eren was.

“I wanted to start taking care of you again, to be indispensable to you, and it would flatter my ego to be the reason you were still standing,” he continued. “But I forgot that the woman I fell in love with is stronger than me. You find light in the darkest corners and you always get back up from the hardest blows, while I'm a coward who can't face my feelings.” 

Neusa chirped, raising her arms, clearly very happy to see Eren again. You were very happy to see him too; you had missed him. His words healed a part of you, and you nibbled at the inside of your cheek. 

“I’m glad you admit your mistakes, but that won’t undo the damage you’ve done. Just because I was with another man doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer.”

Eren remained silent the entire way home. He was helping you put away the groceries, and his heart tightened when he realized Neusa could walk now. He’d missed her first steps. She stayed close to Eren, hugging his calf and looking up at him with a radiant smile. He stroked her curly hair, touched by her. He grabbed a trash bag and threw all of Jean’s things that were lying around on the couch, and you rolled your eyes but said nothing. Jean was kind, but the love of your life was Eren. The one who was there for you through your worst moments, no matter how unhealthy your relationship was.

Once you were seated on the couch, Neusa playing with Eren’s sneaker laces, he broke the silence. “I’m going to buy you a house.”

Your lips parted in surprise. “What?”

“Neusa needs a garden to play in.”

“We aren’t a couple, Eren. You rejected me when—”

His jaw clenched. “That was months ago. I started therapy two months ago. I’ve made some progress on that.”

“Eren, you don’t become a new person in two months of therapy—”

“I love you.”

“No, you don’t!” you protested. “You just want to save a broken girl.”

“What can I do to prove it to you?”

“Be there for me even when I’m doing well. Don’t disappear when I’m doing better.”

“I promise you I will always be there for you.”

“I want action, Eren.”

“I want to buy a whole fucking house for you.”

You stood up from the couch, smoothing out your dress.

“We’ll see once I get there.”

Eren was truly your lapdog. He thought he was in control, but it was you. His dick hardened at the thought. He really met his match.

𖥸

౨ৎ one year and six months with you ౨ৎ

Eren had stopped dealing drugs. He had chosen to pursue his greatest ambition: to become a tattoo artist. As an apprentice in a tattoo parlor, he was slowly getting used to earning a normal salary, not the astronomical sums he'd made before when he was operating illegally. He was driven by the desire to realize his dream, but above all, he had changed careers to be a good father to Neusa. His greatest fear was abandoning his family. What would he do if he ended up in prison and you were left alone with Neusa? He couldn't bear to get out of prison and see you with someone else.

“Papa!” Neusa cried happily when she saw Eren come home from work. She ran to his feet and held out her arms for him to hug her. Eren smiled and bent down to pick up his daughter—yes, his—and kissed her cheek.

“Where is Mama?” Neusa pointed toward the bathroom. He took a few steps to the room. He frowned as he tried to open the door, then knocked. Sniffles came from inside.

“You good?” 

You opened the door slowly, looking at your feet. His eyes narrowed on your trembling hand holding a positive pregnancy test. Eren had used a good portion of his savings to buy a house in the countryside. The cottage was surrounded by a large garden, whose abundant flowers bloomed in the spring. Neusa loved tending the flowers with her mother; there was love throughout the house. And a lot of love between you and Eren. You hadn't talked about being a couple yet; you still needed time to fully trust Eren after he abandoned you for three months. Since he'd started therapy with Levi, he'd been more honest about his feelings. You were a somewhat unconventional couple, but it worked for you.

You were on the birth control pill, but there were always mistakes.

“You know you can have an abortion, I don't mind,” he whispered, wiping away your tears.

“No, I want the baby. I want a baby born of love.”

His eyes softened. “Then, why are you crying?”

“I had memories of my pregnancy when I was alone.”

“That's in the past now. You're not defined by that.” He leaned down to kiss your forehead. “We're going to build a good family together, right?”

You nodded, sniffing. You stared down at the pregnancy test. 

Maybe there was light even in the darkest path.

𖥸

౨ৎ four years and six months with you ౨ৎ

“Mommy doesn’t love me,” Neusa stated, as Eren helped her get dressed for school. He froze, his hands resting on her tiny shoulders.

“Don’t say things like that, sweetheart.”

“But it’s true.” Her sparkling brown eyes watered. “She prefers Naya to me. She’s always hugging and kissing her, never me.” 

Eren was at a loss for words because he couldn’t argue with the truth. How could he explain to a four-year-old that her mother saw her rapist when she looked at her? How could he explain that she preferred the baby she had with the man she loved? He walked her to school, then came home. Once he got back, you were making yourself a coffee in the kitchen. Your face lit up when you saw Eren. “I finally finished my novel yesterday; it's 120,000 words. I think it'll take me about three months to see my second draft. I'm so happy.”

“Cool,” Eren muttered, his jaw tense.

Your smile faded at his serious tone.

“Are you okay…?”

“We need to talk about something.” 

How could he tell you that you weren't a good mother? How could he tell you that you were hurting your daughter without making you feel guilty about something that wasn't your fault?

“Neusa thinks you don't love her,” he began. “She's noticed that you're more affectionate with her little sister.” 

You drew a thin line from your lips. The conversation made you feel uncomfortable, and you avoided Eren's gaze.

“Look at me when I'm talking to you.”

You looked up. “I… She ruined my life, Eren.”

“Floch ruined it,” he corrected. “She’s innocent. It’s not her fault. You…” He took a deep breath before saying what he was about to say. “You can’t blame your trauma when you now have responsibilities. You should have had an abortion if you didn’t want her.” 

Your coffee cup slipped from your hands and crashed to the floor.

“Are you serious?” you asked, hurt in your voice. “You know damn well I was too depressed to even leave my house at that time.”

“I know, I—”

“You don’t know anything!” you shouted, your voice breaking. “I should have gone to a gynecologist after the incident because I had vaginal lesions! I didn’t do anything! I was unable to leave my house!”

“˚ʚ♡ɞ˚… I'm just saying—”

“Yes, I don't love her! So what?!” you yelled. “She looks just like him.”

His heart ached because it was his own daughter you were talking about.

“Talk about her with respect, please.”

“She's mine, Eren. I don't know who you think you are.”

“Oh,” he moved closer to you, “so I'm not her father anymore when it suits you?” 

You locked your gaze with him. “Yes—”

“You know what I think?” he cut in, lowering his head toward you. “I think you love her.”

“I-I don’t, Eren.”

“You love her. That’s why you never wanted to give her up. You had every opportunity to place her in an orphanage, but you never did. I even remember you saying you were afraid she’d be abused in another family. You’re afraid to admit it to yourself because loving her means accepting a part of your rapist.” 

You pushed Eren away violently, but he grabbed your arm and pulled you back to him. Tears welled up in your brown eyes, and in that moment you looked so much like your daughter that it hurt him to see you two so far apart.

“That’s not true.”

“If you can’t love her for herself, love her for me.” He kissed away your tears. “Floch isn’t here anymore, it’s just us. You’re so strong, you know that? I know you can do it.”

“But I have flashbacks when I look at her…”

“It’s because of your PTSD. Maybe Hange isn’t effective enough. We need to find a therapist who specializes in trauma.”

“I don’t want to tell a stranger what happened again.”

“Or…” He stroked your cheeks. “We’ll do Yeager-style therapy.”

You chuckled, sniffing. “What’s this nonsense you’re spouting now?”

“You learn to love your daughter by getting to know her. You spend time with her, you play games with her. You try to create a bond that goes beyond the fact that she’s a rape baby.”

“I don’t think I can—”

“You will.” He kissed you, wrapping his arms around your waist. “You will do it because you want a happy family. Loving her will never be loving Floch, baby. Loving her will always be between you and me.” He hugged your trembling body, promising you sunny days and calm nights, assuring you that everything would be okay.

𖥸

In the following months, Eren bought a multitude of games for you to play with children and adults so you could spend time with Neusa. During this time, you realized you knew nothing about your daughter. She was a cheerful girl, well-behaved, and very advanced for her age. Her favorite colors were purple and burgundy because her favorite Winx was Stormy. She loved to draw, just like Eren, especially the flowers around your house. Everyone at school liked her. So why was it so hard for you to love her? You forced yourself to remember that she was Eren's child. You had to get Floch out of your mind. That was the only way you could feel any affection for her.

The more weeks passed, the more you found similarities between her and Eren. Her habit of having her hot chocolate in the morning while Eren drank his coffee, the fact that she preferred baggy clothes to girly outfits, her stubborn personality that held onto an idea once she was convinced of something—just like Eren. She was his daughter. It had taken you a while to see it, but now it was clear. Neusa was thrilled to spend so much time with her mother and never again complained about not being loved enough. A happy family.

But something was missing for Eren to be completely happy. He proposed to you one day while your daughters were playing in a park. He thought it would be more symbolic in a natural setting, while you smiled at your children, rather than some cliché dinner at a restaurant. He let you choose the wedding decorations but made you hurry because he was waiting for the chance to call you his wife like never before. Neusa was overjoyed; she thought she'd transform into a princess once the wedding took place. In her childlike mind, you were the queen and Eren the king.

In a way, it was true. You had created a kingdom together. A happy family. Nothing could tear you apart now.

𖥸

౨ৎ a life with you ౨ৎ

‘Who wants that perfect love story anyway, anyway?

Cliché, cliché, cliché, cliché

Who wants that hero love that saves the day anyway?

Cliché, cliché, cliché, cliché

What about the bad guy goes good, yeah?

An innocent love I'm misunderstood, yeah?

Black hour glass, our glass

Toast to clichés in a dark past

Toast to clichés in a dark past’

Accompanied by Beyoncé's voice, your father held your arm as you walked toward the man who would be your husband in a few minutes.

Eren almost never cried, only for his father. So you didn't expect to see a tearful gaze when you looked up at him.

A gentle look on your face, you smiled at him.

“You're the crybaby now.”

“Shut up,” he grumbled, his eyes filled with so much love.

Normally, he would have made a lewd comment about your outfit, saying he couldn't wait to take your dress off tonight, but he was so awestruck by your beauty that nothing came out. He could only admire you.

When it was time to exchange your wedding vows, Connie giggled at how sappy his friend sounded before Ony stepped on his foot to silence him. 

“This ceremony should have taken place at least 3 months earlier. But some asshole preferred to run away than be there for the woman he loved.” He locked his gaze with yours. “From now on, that's it, no more bullshit. I won't be scared anymore. I want your heart, your soul, your pain, to make it mine. I want you to be able to look into my eyes one day if you ever wonder what love is. I don't care if I sound arrogant, but love will always start with me. I will be your beginning and your end. And in the middle, there will be our daughters. A happy family, that's what I always promised you, and I intend to keep my word.”

You tried to hold back your tears but it was difficult.

“You told me one day we were toxic, that I didn't love you. Is that still how you see us? When I come home from work and you're asleep, when I'm making your favorite meal, you don't feel my love? What about when you talk to me about your novels and I can't get enough of hearing you say the same thing over and over? What about when I quit my fucking job for you? If I have to set myself on fire to prove I love you, I will. Don't tempt me, you've never seen a guy madly in love in action.” 

Laughter rippled through the reception room. 

“So… I don't know how to end this.” He took your hands in his. “I just want to know I'm ready. Ready to be the best husband you've ever seen, ready to be an even better father. Ready to fight against all of my fears and yours, and I guarantee I'll come out on top.” He lowered his head to kiss your knuckles.

“The kiss comes later, Eren,” Connie shouted.

Eren turned his head to glare at his friend.

“It’s my wedding, and I’ve decided I’ll kiss her now.” 

Before you could react, he grabbed your waist and crushed his lips against yours. You smiled against him, returning his kiss. 

Lulled by the applause and the cheers of your daughters, you thought about what he had said. 

Love really started with him and ended with him.

“Oh, thank fuck! You have no idea how much I appreciate it, man.” Kusakabe bellows in celebration, and Shiu’s forced to lean his head away from the speaker if ever he valued his ear drums.

Atsuya Kusakabe was a farmer specializing in hybrids just like Shiu was, though his friend had taken it a step further and raised only bulls on his farm. Though he really did reconsider this friendship when the other was trying to pawn off one of his biggest bulls on him for a few days.

In his bemused wonderment at his friend, Shiu almost doesn’t register the soft nudge of something against his open palm. Something warm, something silky. He snaps his head down- and a sudden smile spreads across his face as he realizes just who it was.

You’d wandered off from your cosy lil’ corner, and cuddled up to him leisurely. 

“Hey there, girlie.” Shiu whispers, reaching his fingers up to scratch behind your ecstatic ears. You weren’t quite the social hybrid, even amongst your own kind. Always frolicking by yourself when let out to graze, always straying behind the group after milking. 

Shiu couldn’t even tease enough out of you (not even half a bucket!) when compared to the rest of the cows here. But the thing is, you seemed perfectly content with your few close attachments on the farm, your few friends, your rejection of many bulls (and trust that the attempts to woo were many). And whether that was because you’d grown too attached to him, whether that was just the way you were - he didn’t exactly mind.

He knew he shouldn’t have favorites, and yet…here you were.

“Feeling all better?” He’s asking, and you’re nodding languidly. Still tired, then. This season’s heat had been as powerful as ever - out of all his hybrids, it was safe to say that you had one of the strongest.

The neediest.

The sultriest.

Which wouldn’t even have been notable if you’d just let another bull hybrid mount you through them to ease the urges, perhaps even result in a cute lil’ calf for his farm- but that was exactly the problem. 

You didn’t.

Shiu couldn’t even count on two hands how many times he’d tried to pair you off with one of his bulls - and each time had ended in a disaster. Either you’d barricaded yourself in another part of your barn room, or you’d claw your way outside altogether. Each and every time, Shiu would check on you in the middle of your heats to find that you were in the throes of your desires, fiddling with nothing but the toys he’d gifted you, and his sullen bulls would be pouting n’ pushed off to one side. Useless, really.

No matter how needy you were, you just wouldn’t take to them. And it wasn’t that they were particularly weak, or unattractive - there was Ino who you’d just ended up chatting through your heat with, Kashimo and Ijichi who you’d both kicked out, Takaba who you didn’t even look at, Naoya who you…

Yeah, he didn’t want to think about the beaten-up state you’d left Naoya in. It made him laugh.

He wondered who the problem was - those bulls that couldn’t woo you properly, or you who couldn’t be wooed.

He blamed the bulls.

And he’s patting the top of your head tenderly, carefully avoiding the slight protrusions of your horns that were oh-so-sensitive. Mutterly absent-mindedly, “It’s alright, it’s alright. Trust that we’ll find you a proper mate next year, girlie.”

You can only nod unsurely, gesturing at his phone. “Someone’s talking, Shiu.”

“Huh? Oh someone’s-” Oh, right, he was in the middle of his call still. He’d almost forgotten. Shiu tunes into the latest of Kusakabe’s spiel, and it didn’t seem like he’d missed out on anything too important—

“-had no idea what I was going to do for the few days I’d be in Tokyo for the Hybrid Farms Convention, I’ll pick him up right on my way back from there.”

“Mhm, sounds good.” He rattles off.

“You can keep him anywhere you like, to be honest. He doesn’t have any specific requirements, he’s just as sturdy as he is massive- hah! Though, I do give Toji a separate room of his own from the others…just in case.”

“Mhmmm.”

“My apprentices will be taking care of it while he’s gone, all ready for that big boy to be back.”

“Mhmmm.” Shiu lightly furrows his brows—if he has apprentices, and he has other bulls he’s leaving behind, then why did he need to leave Toji in particular with Shiu again? Oh, whatever…

“And you remember what I said earlier, right?”

Well, he wasn’t really listening but…“Mhm-”

“You have to keep an eye on Toji while he’s in rut.”

“Mh-” Shiu’s eyes bug out of his scalp, his knees grow a little weak, and he damn near drops his phone- oh, too late. He’s already dropped his phone down into the green grass below, startling you in the process. “While he’s in what?”

.

.

.

Name: Toji Fushiguro

Age: 30’s (approx.)

Hybrid type: Bos taurus

Height: 6’2+

Weight class: 1600kg - 1800kg.

Other notes: Subject has a sleek black coat, high intelligence, and a somewhat temperamental demeanour. He will insult you if it comes to infringing upon his freedom. Does not care for medical exams. Continuous horn growth that shows evidence of strong fighting capabilities, fatal power, and weapon-like appendages. It should be noted that the subject is of a larger size even amongst Bos taurus (in particular, the Nambu shorthorn bulls) and needs larger spaces of leisure than most. Take care to handle, needs multiple handlers.

Shiu’s face only grows pale as he reads down the medical sheet, quickly flicking his eyes to the very end so that he might be able to spare himself some of the torture.

-particularly powerful ruts with the urge to breed. According to the handler, it is noted that the subject has not spent a rut in the presence of a mate.

Even paler.

To emphasize, he is unmated.

And paler.

And currently nearing his rut.

For the second time in the past 24 hours (which isn’t many times, but it’s strange that it’s happened twice) Shiu’s fingers drop whatever he was holding in shock. Diligently, you’re right beside the farmer to pick up the piece of paper and hand it to him - giggling when he drops it for a third time.

Though, it was by sheer miracle that he doesn’t just faint right then and there.

Oh—he catches a glimpse of Kusakabe’s large white cattle trailer backing up into his hybrid pen and can feel himself teetering already. Thankfully, you were right there to nudge your head against his frame in support, slightly worried for the human man.

Because not only was Toji said to be nearing his merciless rut, but according to the medical sheet that his friend (‘friend’ hah!) had handed to him, he was unmated?

Makes sense, Kusakabe’s farm specialized in bulls.

But perhaps if Toji had a mate then the cow hybrids of this farm would be safe- he casts a sidelong look your way. Perhaps you - with your still-sweetened pheromones, and your even sweeter demeanour - would be safe.

“Something wrong, Shiu?” You’re asking, worriedly.

“N-nothing-” The farmer places a hand on your head and pats, faintly. “Nothing at all, don’t you worry about a thing, girlie.”

Ah, well…Shiu thinks to himself, watching as the truck finally finishes reversing, and Kusakabe (that bastard!) slides out of the driver’s seat to open up the towering steel door in the back. It looked so massive compared to the admittedly above-average man, and that only made Shiu’s tension increase twofold at what may be lurking behind those metal gates.

Ones that seem to burst open with a roaring screeeech—

“Oh, shit.” His mouth was desert-dry, his grip unyielding on you who’d been angling your head to get a better look. “Oh, shit.”

Because Toji Fushiguro was massive.

Dominating.

So many thousands of kilograms of a hybrid that sauntered smugly out of the trailer, as if he owned it. As if he owned this entire farm and everyone in it. 

The rest of the hybrids were drawn in by the commotion, turning their curious eyes towards the refined horns that gleamed as they entered the light. Towards the thundering ground. The powerful flank. The polished coat. The single golden ring ‘round his nostrils.

And you had to admit that you didn’t expect him to be so…handsome.

All ruggedly scarred lips from his tussles, and a face that seemed to be carved by the heavens above. You let your widened peripherals glide down the smooth skin of his front; all broad shoulders, prominent pecs, the cutest golden hoops pierced through his pink nipples, and abs for days. He shakes his shaggy black bangs out of his gaze. 

Those smug verdant eyes that take one look your way - the way that Shiu had his possessive hold on you - and narrow. 

Kusakabe startles as his prized bull hybrid suddenly stops in his tracks, his grip on his leash slightly faltering. And it seems that everyone within the pen holds their breath as a low huff of gruff displeasure leaves Toji, scorching hot fury reaching where you were.

Jaw clenching.

Eyes flashing.

He lowers his horned head as if he was about to-

“Ah ah-” Kusakabe’s the one to break through the charged tension on the farm with his command. He tugs on Toji’s firm leash, though, as a farmer, Shiu thinks he could see the slight waver in his movements.

Toji’s rumbling in refusal, tugging against the restraints. And Kusakabe’s nearly thrown off his feet- before he’s holding onto the side of the truck for balance, pulling the bull hybrid away from where his sights were set. “Easy, boy, easy.” He’s looking at you two with an apologetic smile, “Sorry, he’s just a bit excited with the ru-”

“Ahem ahem ahem-” Shiu suddenly coughs, cutting off the other man. “Better get him settled inside his enclosure, Kusakabe. Don’t want any more trouble now…”

“Ah- right, right.”

And with a slight swat at Toji’s flank, he’s fighting against the hybrid to guide him towards that lil’ enclosure made specifically for him. Shiu had taken care to section it off from the rest of the pen where the cows were, with hardy wooden tree trunks that composed the fences. And not one, but two padlocks that Kusakabe seems relieved to lock once he’s managed to get him inside.

Hands slightly shaking where Toji breathes hotly down his neck, black tail flicking in irritation.

“Calm down, calm down.” The farmer wasn’t sure whether he was telling it to Toji or himself- finally finishing off with the locks and looking up at him. “Now- you be a good boy, alright. Don’t give Shiu any trouble, don’t fight too hard with the other bulls- no use in telling you not to fight, I know you won’t listen to that anyway, and no matter what-”

Toji raises an unimpressed brow as Kusakabe raises a directing finger.

“-no going overboard with your rut.”

“And what exactly does ‘overboard’ mean?” Shiu wearily nears the special pen, arms carefully lifted off of you and wrapped around his own body in comfort.

Kusakabe beams, “No idea! We’ve never had him near cows before!”

Shiu felt like hitting him.

“Well, she just got off her heat-” At the way that Toji’s nostrils flare, his grin widens, Shiu almost regrets saying that with a gesture towards you. Oh? He blocks the bull’s greedy line of sight towards you, and grumbles. “-so no funny business.”

Toji scoffs.

“Use your words, Toji.” Kusakabe pleads, “No need to be like that.”

And he takes a second to pause. To consider. To seemingly mull over his words before- “Eat my ass-”

“Toji-”

“That’s it-” Shiu spits, not waiting for either man nor hybrid to finish before he’s stomping off to where you were watching the commotion from (as was the rest of the farm, but it seems like this hulking intruder had eyes only for you). 

And with his hand placed gently where your flower-patterned collar was, Shiu leads you away from the herd. Away from the pen. Away from Toji, towards the barn where your room was. “That’s it- for the time that that bull is here, he won’t be seeing a single glimpse of you, that’s for sure.”

“But why?” You whine, your head tugging backwards. And Shiu could almost balk at the way that you - you - were half-heartedly resisting his grip, trying to look back at Toji. “Why can’t I-”

“Because.”

And that was that, you were isolated inside the barn, and Toji was padlocked away in his pen. Far, far away from you for the time that he’d be staying there.

And as Kusakabe waves his exit from his farm, promising to be back in a few days, Shiu makes sure to get a good punch in (all in good friendship, of course). Because Shiu Kong was calm. Shiu Kong was composed. Shiu Kong could survive just a few days with an in-rut bull hybrid infiltrating his farm.

“And how long until you’re back again?”

“Three- ouch, three days. You have a good right hook, man.”

After all, it was exactly that - just a few days.

What’s the worst that could happen?

.

.

.

The first day.

Toji could see you.

Through the slightest crack in those barn doors, just the tips of your ears peaking out as you glimpse at him. It turns out that just Shiu’s command couldn’t hold you, and you staggered your way up to the barn doors whenever that damned farmer of yours wasn’t around to see. Watching. Waiting.

Taking in the sight of him.

And it wasn’t that Toji wasn’t used to stares - he was a prized bull hybrid, larger than most. So it was quite the given that he’d gather stares from competition, from unmated cows, hell, even from farmers who would like their chance at raising human-hybrid offspring. And so it wasn’t exactly new…

But just this way you were looking at him…it made him shiver.

Those pretty doe-eyes held up a curious, somewhat fearful, admiration. A slight arousal dampening between your legs that his honed senses could smell from even here—

Toji swears something in him had snapped the very split-second that he’d arrived here.

That he’d first locked eyes with you.

That he’d first sniffed at the remaining sweetness of your heat. Your sex.

Every sense in him right now (even the rational ones) were screaming at him to break out of this enclosure and waltz right up to you, break through those barn doors if he had to. He wanted to smell your pheromones. To hold you. To stuff his hot, throbbing cock between your legs and watch as you struggle to take it all.

He wanted to breed you.

And - multiple times - Toji found himself barging against the locked doors of his pen. Whispering your sweet, sweet name underneath his breath (learned from some of the other hybrids that watched him), ramming his horns against the wooden walls.

He was in rut.

Badly.

Badly, badly, badly.

The sheer intensity of it was more than anything else he’d ever felt- fuck, not even his first rut had felt this strong. It wasn’t that he was unmated. It wasn’t that he was in an unfamiliar place. It was just you, you, you.

Taking the wind out of his lungs. Making his length ache heavily between his strong legs. Wafting his intoxicating scent - something spicily sweet, with a peculiar tang in it that made you drunk on it like liquor, like mulled wine - all the way to where you were watching from the barn doors.

You’re sagging heavily against its wooden frame to take it in, sighing at the murky pheromones that seemed to cloud the entire farm-

“Oi, girlie!” 

And through it all, that damned Shiu had made sure to cockblock him.

Even now,  here came his annoying, grating tone. He’d kept a close eye on Toji ever since Kusakabe had left in his truck, rarely straying too far from the hybrid pen. He was always butting in, always breaking the stare-down between you two.

With one hand on his hip, the farmer watches as you startle at his voice. Suddenly hurrying to stumble back inside the barn where you came from.

And it would’ve almost been cute had it not been a result of you breaking one of his direct rules: do not interact with the bull in rut. But the thing is, you’d never seen a bull like him—and he was in rut? Oh…

Shiu barks out, “Where’d you think you were going, huh? Yeah- that’s right, inside.” And with you gone, Shiu would glare up at Toji. Toji wasn’t shy to glare right back.

“Problem?” He smiles.

“Yeah-” The farmer had crinkled his nose- and pointed at the way that Toji had been impatiently pushing against the enclosing walls, trying to break out, trying to get to you. He spits out distastefully, “-that. Don’t think you’re getting anywhere near her, got it?”

“Not at all.”

That night, Shiu had sent for a few more locks to be delivered from the hardware store downtown (he wasn’t even sure that they did delivery, but he’d coax them into if it meant not taking his eyes off of you). Multiple. He’d fixed them onto the gates of Toji’s pen, “This should keep you out.” Shiu had declared, jangling the metallic additions with one hand. “Not even the finest bulls in the world would be able to break through these. Hah! Take that.”

“Fuck off.”

He’d charged at the other man, but alas, the gates stayed steadfast.

.

.

.

The second day.

Toji had murmured your name like a mantra all night.

All night.

Again and again and again-

“He really doesn’t seem so bad, Shiu.” You’d tried to whine to the farmer, when he’d come back into the barn after fixing a few more locks - the count was reaching upwards of ten by now - on the gates of the bull’s enclosure.

But Shiu had only waved off your pleading noises, “Now, don’t give me that look. I heard the way he was ramming against those gates last night, I heard his bellows.” Needless to say, you had, too…“And I just don’t think it’s safe for you to be out when such a bull is in rut, girlie. Not unless you wanted to be mated- hah!”

Well…

You pushed your quivering thighs together. You’d hate to admit that in the privacy of your room last night, listening to Toji grow so desperate, listening to him say your name like that…you’d actually reached for your heat toys about once or twice.

You’d never felt this way about a bull before- hell, you’d never felt this way about anyone before.

And it was such a strange sensation to be glidin’ up the buzzin’ tip of your vibrator to your clit, massaging that sweet lil’ nub without the carnal pangs of your heat. Just the carnal pangs of…pure need-

“Besides.” Shiu’s cutting through your lecherous memory, and you hope the evidence of your lewd acts don’t show on your face. He gently pats at your head, the way he’s done so many times before. “You don’t need to be mounted by such a big, bad bull. My poor girl.”

“I don’t?” You mutter to yourself.

And Shiu doesn’t seem to catch on, “After all, it’s not like you’re in heat.”

No…you suppose not.

But you can’t help but raise your face into the saturated atmosphere, seemingly so balmy and languid ever since Toji stepped foot onto the farm. And there, you can smell the most addictive scent- fuck, something that just made your core twitch with need.

“Feeling alright, my girl?” Shiu looks on at the way you shiver, and whatever he sees there makes him lead you back to your place within the barn. “Hm, maybe you should get some rest- it’s probably that bull’s pheromones messing you up.”

“M-messing me up?” You’re asking, your entire body feeling set alight. Though, you didn’t feel the slightest bit messed up.

“Mhm- since you’re unmated, just coming off an unsuccessful heat. But it’s alright-” Shiu reassures, starting to shut your door, and there’s a meaningful look in his eyes. “We can try again next year, I have a few other bulls in mind that you might like to mate with. And he won’t be getting anywhere near you until then.”

“He won’t…”

Shiu continues, “Besides, Kusakabe will be picking him up tomorrow, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

You don’t say anything, but you know that you aren’t worried. Not even the slightest bit.

In fact…your body wished he’d be here even longer.

But ah- if he was just going to be taken away tomorrow, then what was the use in wanting? As your wooden door slams shut, you’re realizing that you just might never see him again.

And, outside, Toji only rams against the pen fence even harder.

He wanted you.

He wanted you.

He wanted you.

.

.

.

The third (and final) day.

Or is it…

“What?” Shiu barks into his phone receiver, so loud that it startles every hybrid grazing in the vicinity. All of them were out, leaving the barnhouse all barren by this point - though Shiu didn’t doubt that his voice reached even you inside. And the sheer incredulousness in his tone makes even Toji look over, with a smirk that told the farmer that he was quite enjoying witnessing his distress. But Shiu paid no mind to that.

He couldn’t.

Right now, he was much more frazzled by the words that had the utter fuckin’ audacity to sheepishly leave Kusakabe’s mouth on the other end of the line. Almost in a trance, Shiu pinches the bridge of his nose and repeats. “So…you’re telling me…” Each word tremored with the sheer effort that it took to keep the rage out of them, “That you want me…to come…”

“All the way to Tokyo to help me fix up my engine and save me from being stranded? Yes.” Kusakabe’s voice finishes off, “Shiu, my oldest friend, my dearest pal, have I ever told you how much I love y-”

“Atsuya Kusakabe I will kill you.”

Toji snorts out in laughter, and Shiu is suddenly reminded that he’d been in the middle of fixing up just one more lock to the bull’s pen when he’d gotten the call. Gate held ajar for now. Padlocks unlocked as he fixed them on. 

Glaring at the hybrid for the interruption, Shiu’s pinching the pen closed as he grumbles. “And you need me - you can’t just go to one of the many, many, many mechanics in Tokyo - because why exactly?”

“Aww, don’t be like that, Shiu!” Kusakabe cries out, “Do you have any idea how expensive Tokyo is? I just bought a cute lil’ pastry before the convention, and it bankrupted me for generations!”

“And you don’t have any other friends that are closer?”

“Man, if I had any other friends, period, do you think I’d be calling you?”

Shiu supposed that was a fair enough statement. “But- but I can’t leave…” He clicks his tongue, “Just get a train then! Leave that pile of junk at some trash site where it belongs-”

“I mean, I could…” And though Kusakabe’s tone was one of curious innocence, he’d long since learned that nothing ever boded well for him when he used it. He waits with bated breath until the other man continues- “-but that just means I’ll have to leave my truck - including my cattle trailer, which I use to transport my cattle - here. And you know what else that means I’ll have to leave?”

Shiu shivers, “Wh-what?”

“Toj-”

“I’ll be there right now.”

Kusakabe cackles, “Take your tiiime~!” And soon enough, the sharp tone of the call being ended reaches Shiu’s ears.

With one last semi-glare thrown in Toji’s direction, the farmer is speed-walking to his own truck - all those tools Kusakabe needed still inside from his last fix-up. More like running. More like sprinting to save his friend.

Not because he wanted to save his friend, of course. But because every second that Kusakabe was stuck in Tokyo, was a second even longer that you were stuck with Toji on this farm.

All alone.

And he couldn’t have rushed out of here more determined.

More hasty.

More careless-

“Well, would ya look at that.” Toji’s scarred lips twitch upwards into a grin. And he’s reaching one of his beefy arms out to lightly - just lightly - nudge at the wooden gate of his enclosure. Watching as it swings wiiiiiiide open—creeeeak! Bearing the rest of the farm to him with welcome arms. “What a sweet little gift f’me.”

All those pesky padlocks and ties, carefully added over the last few days, were useless if some silly lil’ farmer ever forgot to lock them.

Toji takes such delight in taking that first step out of his enclosure, broad pecs heaving as he takes in the candied trail of scent left all over by a certain pretty cow hybrid. You.

He then takes a second step, a third, a fourth—

And he knows exactly where he’s heading to - the barn.

Where you were just settling in for the day, your feverish body settling atop a particularly soft, tangled mass of golden hay. Cuddling in. You’d heard Shiu’s truck take off, though it would be out-of-character for him to leave so suddenly. You weren’t sure what to think, and you were just about to nod off when…

Creak-creak-creeeeeak—!

The barn door opens.

Shiu? Fluttering open your eyes, you’re just about to raise your head and ask him what all the yelling and commotion was, when-

Oh.

Oh.

That wasn’t the farmer at all.

Toji’s large, sculptured figure takes up nearly the entire door frame. And even from here you can see his sultry grin, his agitated hips. You can smell his intense drunken pheromones—“Room for two, sweetcheeks?”

.

.

.

“I’m- hah, sensitive there…” You’re pouting as Toji relentlessly tugs you by your stubby horns towards him. His overlarge hand plastered to the back of your scalp and guided you down between his meaty thighs - not only had he kissed you silly by this point, but the hybrid had you drenched and quivering all over the hay for more.

But first…

Your watery eyes bulge as you take in the sheer length between Toji’s legs - inches upon inches, throb after throb, all looooong and rock-hard with need. His erection stood right up to graze his navel with glittery drops of precum.

Decorated with so many puffy veins down his shaft that your cunt twitched just imagining how he’d feel inside of you.

Each one pulsated as Toji drip-drip-dripped in gooey sap down his cock, all ready to pierce your hot sex. Heavy balls tightening with even more, with the urge to breed. And you’d do well to remember that bull hybrids in particular were known for having absolutely massive cocks-

“What’cha thinking about, sweet girl?” Toji hums, the point of that nickname proven when he takes a deep, heaving gasp of the pheromone-saturated air. 

Before you can answer, one of his hands slither down to grip that heavy cock of his. Right ‘round the fat hilt where he can move his long length to smack! down between your half-parted lips. Using just the globular tip of his cock, he’s smearin’ apart your maw and just glossing over it with his creamy pre. “You’re not thinking of tapping out already, huh? You’re not…scared are you?”

There’s a slight mocking hint in his tone, nevertheless you’re shaking your head fervently. 

He snickers, “That’s right. You don’t care what that stupid farmer of yours has to say, hm?” And oh—Toji has to stop himself from simply stuffing every inch inside your mouth already, instead wetting your lips enough so that he can sliiiiide in. “You’re not really such a good lil’ hybrid like he says- huh?”

“No-” You’re hiccuping out, “Not at- mmpf.” 

Only for big, bad Toji to rut his cock against your mouth. Shutting you up with his flared tip, you can taste the pure arousal seeping into your mouth.

All warm n’ wet on top of your tastebuds—you’re drooling around his thick tip before you even know it.

“No, because you’re a baaaaad girl, aren’t ya?” He’s tutting, swiping away the splatters of saliva that just kept on leaking from the edges of your mouth- and instead, he’s reeling back to replace it with a jetstream of his own spittle. Straight onto the middle of your tastebuds.

With a second hand tugging open your mouth, Toji takes a nice look at that gluey wad sitting on your tongue- before he’s plunging his rude cock right back in between your lips. “Because you’re- haaaaah, careful, careful, no teeth- because you’re my good girl, aren’t ya?” Staring at you with half-lidded green eyes, “Allllll mine.”

“Mmmpf—” You’re muffling out around his raw girth, Toji was just so big that your maw was constantly open in this lecherous ‘oh’ shape.

Gobbling his veiny inches up even deeper and deeper, you’re only growing wetter at the way that his bawling divot scrapes down the roof of your mouth. Swervin’ left and right, and reaching for that cute lil’ dangly thing at the back of your throat-

“Ever taken a bull’s cock before?”

Choking at the lodgement in your throat, “N-no—”

“Yeah? Thought so. Ever taken anyone before?”

Shaking your head.

“Well then, she’s taking me so- hah, well.” Toji’s crooning out from above you, fucking his hips in sloppy half-thrusts inside your mouth. That rough line of his happy trail ends up scratching the tip of your nose, and you find that his intoxicating scent only grows stronger the closer you get…“Haven’t you had breakfast today, sweetcheeks?”

With tearful eyes, you’re looking up at him in confusion. “Mmm—ngh.”

“Ah ah- flick your tongue at my tip if you wanna say ‘no’—oh, just like that.” And then his mean, scarred lips end up formulating a mocking pout. “Such a cute tongue, can’t believe she’s gone hungry for so long- ngh.”

“I-” Tears stream down both your cheeks, and you’re panting out through each thrust of his achin’ cock. “Fuck, Toji, you’re just so big-”

Other hand pushing on the back of your clammy head, deeper n’ deeper. His superhuman strength was just incredible- “And look, she’s just become so greedy.” As if he wasn’t the one tunneling every spot inside your mouth, spotting it with his pre. “Don’t you know you don’t have to take any more, sweet girl, don’t you- oh—” Toji accurately hits the back of your throat, a direct thud! of his globular cockhead. He grins, watching you salivate around his cock- “-oh, fine, if you insist…”

“You’re- hck!” And the fact of the matter was that he hadn’t even fully bottomed-out yet. Criss-crossing your eyes, you spot that you had even more inches to go- “You’re so ngh-”

“And you want me to bruise the back of your- oh, throat, you say?” Toji’s cutting you off with his mean grunts, smack after smack of his heavy balls. 

They graze the front of your chin and make you feel such carnal pangs, your cunt grinding back against your heels. “I didn’t even- oh.” But too late - his geysering divot was already bruising away back there. 

Push after push.

Probe after probe.

Until Toji’s shaft had stirred up every single hidden spot inside of you, and he was swelling up even more like he wanted more, more, more—

“Toji-” Your nails claw down the pale expanse of Toji’s thighs, just so plush rippling underneath your touch. “Toji I want-”

“Ohoooo?” His raven brows raise in amusement, a mean grin spreading across his face. “The good girl is making demands now, hm?” As you whimper away, he’s thrashin’ at the back of your throat- again and again. “I guess I can’t just keep listening to her, huh?”

Her? Who…oh. 

He was talking about your thoroughly damp pussy, with the sappiest noises leaving you each time you’re pushing back on your heels. Soaked with desire.

And Toji seems amused by your shocked reaction, “How cute…go on then, sweetcheeks. Go on. Lemme know what that cute lil’ heart of yours desires.”

You’re pulling back from his red, glistenin’ tip with a lecherous pwah! “I-I want…” You’re sobbing, lashes fluttering in a way that makes- oh, you won’t be mad if he told you he was getting even harder now, would you? “-I want to feel you, Toji.”

To feel him?

To feel him?

His hazy peripherals snap down to see the way you were eyeing his long, long length. And then he’s realizing - oh, you wanted to feel him inside, did you?

Inside…fuck.

Your eyes damn near bulge out of your skull at the way that Toji’s rock-hard length only seemed to grow even…bigger at your words. Flaring up until he was red-hot at the tip, all slicked with a glaze of saliva and pre.

Toji smacks his painfully hard shaft down once more at your maw, “What dirty, dirty words- and from such a good girl?” He scoffs.

And just as you’re about to explain yourself, you’re suddenly feeling near whiplash at the way that Toji grabs onto your throat and flips the two of you around. Hoisting. Manhandling. Ending up with his back against the floor, head against the hay, and your naked cunt drivelling right above him. 

So wet and pretty.

Toji’s mouth waters at the sight of your damp, glistening hole. And he can’t help but immediately reach one hand over to thumb apart your puffy pussylips, pressin’ apart your folds and spitting straight into your hole.

“Or were they words from her, hm?” Toji’s gruffly snickering, flopping that wide tongue of his out to catch your droplets of slick. “Talking out of that pussy, hah- you’re even dirtier than I thought, sweetcheeks.”

Your thighs ache as they hover, slightly chasing the warmth of his mouth. “M’n-not dirty! I just wanted to feel you…” Casting a longing look behind at his throbbing length-

“As if. And you can have my cock-” You look up hopefully at his answer, how cute—you couldn’t even properly fit his cock inside your mouth, and now you think you could fit him inside your cunt? “-but first I’ve gotta stretch this dirty girl ouuuuut.”

“But, I can take- hngh!”

As if. Before you know it, Toji’s slithering his long, looooong tastebuds inside your cunt with absolutely no warning, no hesitation.

Just the ridged texture of his muscle slithering inside, and you’re quivering at the sheer size of him. And he feels the tightness of your circular innards and grins- “Woah…” Just a single taste of you, and his pheromones are blasting out in pure need. “Don’t you know that you hafta stretch ‘er out first, hm? What- never done this before?”

Gingerly, you shake your head ‘no’.

“Oh- reeeeeally.” Just pryin’ aside your folds, you were so fucking wet that that honeyed slick splashes down onto his face like a puddle. Toji rolls his eyes, “I would’ve never thought.” 

You huff n’ puff atop him, “Don’t- don’t tease, Toji-”

“Why, m’not teasing..” He’s spitting on your cunt yet again, letting the dewy excess trickle back down into his throat. “I already know that this pretty pussy hasn’t been satisfied like she deserves. I can fucking taste it-” Tunneling back in again. “Can hear it.” The most lecherous slurps echoing in your ears as he does, the bull’s ears flick your way to listen to it. “She wants only me- heh, wants me to be her first, doesn’t she?” 

Slurp-slurp-sluuuuurping as he’s rovering his tongue, somehow contracting it and extracting it in a way that massages your velvety walls.

Again and again.

“All you hafta do is sit there- all pretty, and take it.” Toji croons, and something dark glints within that gaze of his as he catches your lost expression. “What? That dear farmer of yours never taught you how to take it like a good girl when yer being eaten out.”

“N-no-”

“Then let me teach you—” Oh, you knew he didn’t bode well by the way that he said it. You knew it. 

And in a split-second, Toji has one hand plastered at your hip, and the other veering upwards to smack! down on your swollen pussy. “Ah ah-” As you buck, that hold he has on you grows numbing, and you’re sure he’s leaving nail marks there for weeks. “Toji’s first rule- don’t run.”

“I won’t—” You’re swallowing your words back just as soon as you say them, because just then- two of his rovering fingertips intrude their way inside your cunt.

Not even waiting for you to get used to him, not even faltering as you squeeeeeeze.

He’s straightly stuffing two of them inside your snug channel, the bulbous ends of Toji’s digits digging into each of your hidden spots without even trying. Turning them over. Pushing into every nook n’ cranny n’ crevice over and over- “Oh my god-” Bellowing out, your body starts to move back and forth against him - as if it didn’t know whether you wanted to bounce down or run away- “Toji, I’ve never felt something like this- ngh.”

Only for a loud smack! to ring out against your wet pussylips once again, and for Toji to haul you back onto his mouth with his beefy arm. “What’d I say about rule number- hah, one, hm? Silly girl.”

He was stopping you from running from it.

He was looping one of his thick, beefy biceps ‘round your waist, stopping you from moving away from his open-mouthed kisses. “Good.” Pulling you in so close that his golden nose ring presses frigidly against your clit and makes you flinch. “Atta girl- atta, sweet girl.” Toji smirks against your cunt, once you try squirming your hips and find that you can’t move even a single inch. “Now squeeeeeze those pretty legs around, I don’t care if I fucking suffocate, use me, sweetness- that’s the second rule.”

“Like- like this?” You ask, your whiny pitch trembling just as much as your legs were by now. Feebly, they attempt to straddle Toji’s head properly. 

To which it almost looks as if the bull hybrid was about to laugh—“No.”

Numerous more spanks of his fingertips on your cunt, and soon enough you’re finding yourself completely limb atop him. As he fingers you to tears, rotund fingertips scouring all the way to your cute cervix-

“I mean-” From your hips, his hand is then moving to your thighs. Wrapping around them to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze- until Toji felt light-headed. “-like this.”

“I think m’d-doing it.” You’re gyrating atop him wildly by now, finding a staccato in time with his thudding! fingers. Not only were they thick, they were just so long too - and they left you feeling dizzy with his vulgar strokes, with his incredible scent.  

“Third rule, fuck back into me.” He commands, with that specific tone of a bull in rut that made you want to listen to him immediately. Your hamstrings screamed in protest as you continue, “Fuck her back into me- harder now, aren’t you a cow hybrid? Buck.”

You could barely even believe your ears, “You’re just so fucking mean- fuck!”

“Yeah, yeah, just like that.”

And Toji’s tongue? Oh, he wasn’t just staying still - not at all.

Toji had his tongue wrapped ‘round your throbbing clit and spanking down with his tastebuds. “And the fourth and final rule-” He gurgles through the wettened wads you were seeping out,  “-is to get ready.”

You’re blinking your teary eyes back open, looking down at him in shock. “Get ready for what?”

It takes a few more probin’ thrusts before he can bear to pull away- and that, too, with the loudest smooch! The bull hybrid’s pants come out in heaving gusts, scalding air making you quiver at the sensation.

“Get ready…” Toji rattles off, after a few sultry seconds. And oh- you wonder, why was his tone octaves higher? Why did he sound so breathy? Why was there something…crazed in the way he said it- “-because you think a bull hybrid in rut would really be this nice, sweetcheeks?”

Jaw dropping, “Oh-”

“You don’t know how painful it was to hold myself back-”

And before you know it, your spine’s arching as you struggle to accommodate him- struggling to handle the raw primal pressure of his thick tongue and two- three of his fingers plunging into your hole. Pushing and pushing and pushing—

You’ve become masterful at rule number three, it seems, as you’re pressing your thighs upon either side of Toji’s face until he groans. 

All of his appendages just reaching all the way for the very back of your cunt—“Ohhh, please-” Your head throws backwards as you feel him fuck you with his tongue like he was trying to ruin your inexperienced pussy. “P-please-”

“Oh m’ having a pleasant time alright.” Toji snickers, his heated pants leaving your skin perspired. The mountains of his knuckles were striking your outer pussy so hard now that they were starting to grow red on his skin. “S’fuh-fucking sweet.” Stinging.

Plap! after plap! You’re moaning as his mouth unhinges undeniably deeper to let even more of his tongue’s inches inside. Stretchin’ out your cute orifice, “Gonna hafta stretch her at least twice- haaah- twice as fuck! much if you wanna fit my cock, sweet girl.”

“Twice as much…” You’re repeating breathlessly, you couldn’t even begin to imagine it. It already felt like Toji was pulling you to your very limits - so even more…

“Rule number five- just made it up, heh.” Toji spits out - literally, a glittering glob of spittle that sticks to your slit. It slides down to your hold and makes it easy for him to thrash his tongue inside like an animal- like he was frenzied by his pheromones, like he couldn’t control himself from push-push-pushing.

Not even at a controlled cadence- Toji couldn’t stop himself from squishing your sweetest spots at the very back of your cunt. In almost no time, he’s finding that cute lil’ heart-shaped g-spot of yours - and Toji’s fingertips and tongue were fighting over which one gets to press on it the most.

Again and again until you’re in actual tears- “Rule number five is- ngh, you have to take it.” Holding you to him, until your cunt folds were plastered against his puffy lips. “Take it all like my good girl if you wanna finally take my cock.”

“Please-” Being pummelled away to the maximum, it’s all you can say like a constant mantra. “Please please- ngh! Please-”

“That’s all that dirty mouth can say now?” Toji tuts, “Tch- what happened to wanting me inside? Wanting my cock? Wanting to be fucked like the slut you secretly are?”

Primal swabs, again and again.

Twofold.

After each word, Toji’s tongue sizzles against your tender pussy - lips glued so deeply against your folds, that you can feel him lappin’ away every ounce of your slickness.

It drips slightly down his chin, and leaves your cunt slipping on top of Toji’s handsome face. You grab onto his large horns with a yelp- “Oh! Fuck, Toji- did I really say that?”

“Of course you did- hah, gallop, sweethearts.” With yet another spank, he rovers his face even deeper between your trembly legs. Nose-deep. Skin-deep. So deep, in fact, that the veins on Toji’s sculptured neck pop out.

You’re unsteadily bucking against him on instinct, and that leaves the man groaning. “Just like that.” Swallowing up every inch of your outer cunt, you’re being pierced by the relentless ministrations of his tongue again and again—“You asked to be fucked like a slut- hngh, and that’s exactly what m’giving you. Aren’t I just the beeest mating partner, sweetcheeks?”

“But I didn’t-” You’re babbling out, drunk on the vicious scrape-scrape-scrape of his intrusions. His fingers pushed just as your g-spot, and you could feel him glissading down even deeper. Deeper. Deeper. “-I didn’t say that—”

“Oh, didn’t you?” He’s hazily looking up from between your legs - there was something bleary in his eyes, something gone. “I think I remember-”

“Well I don’t-” As you’re raising your voice, you can’t believe it- Toji’s powerful tail wraps around your thighs and drags you back down.

He rumbles, “Rule number one…” In warning.

And it’s only with a few more thuds! that Toji’s pretending to remember just what you’re whinin’ away about, his dark brows shooting up to his bangs. And you can feel your treacly cunt quiver with the vibrations of his laughter, “But ah- I remember now.” His eyes crinkle into slits of amusement, eating you out until his nose ring slicks with your syrup. Just the notion is enough to leave his pheromones heightening, “I believe you said…‘you wanted to feel me’.”

Mouth dropping in recognition, “Oh- I did.”

“And what did you mean by that, hm?” Toji speaks through the ringing slurps, zap after zap of pleasure. “You’re already feeling me here-” Pokin’ at your g-spot, “And here-” His tongue snakes out to suck on your clit once more. 

“I just meant I wanted to feel you- hck!”

His sweaty brows furrow, “But yer already feeling me-”

“No- more like I wanted to feel your-” You’ve never spoken words like this before, not even in the throes of your worst heats. You glance back at his twitching erection, “-there.”

“My where?”

“Your- your cock, Toji!” You’re wailing out, your legs feeling numb at the way he strikes your sweetest bundle of nerves. “I wanna feel your thick, looooong cock- please.”

Oh, you really were such a dirty girl. He’s gnawing down on that nub of your clit, “And where do you wanna feel my thick- looooong- cock, hm?”

You’re stammering, mouth growing less in-your-control the longer he’s making a mess of your poor pussy. “Inside-”

“Inside where?”

“Inside my cunt-” And you’re shocked you manage that out without stumbling over your words, gryatin’ back into his open maw with sly figure eights. But even that wasn’t enough—

Toji rolls his eyes, such a mess. Such a shattered mess. Just pushing and tasting and lavishing his tongue all over- “Say it again-” When you’re repeating your sultry words, “More- dirtier. Be good f’me, girl, say it again-”

“I want your cock inside my cunt, Toji.” You’re whimpering out, you’re shaking. Feeling the inexperience bubble within each of your veins, because the hybrid was just having so much fun corrupting you. “I want it inside- want you to fuck me with that cock so badly-”

“Atta girl.”

Forcing you to say those lecherous words, forcing you to cum—

“Oh my god-” With your back arched, you’re throwing your body into the wave of pleasure that suddenly bursts inside your body. “C-cumming- I’m cumming, Toji-”

“And it’s all because of me.” He’s smugly saying, perfectly puncturing at your g-spot with his constant pushes. 

Because of Toji’s rut, his senses were so honed that he could mark each peak of your high- the explosion of bliss that he pinpointed with his fingers, with the slashes of his tongue. “Heh- me.” With a wet chuckle, Toji’s tongue was going to lick up every inch of your pussy like he was frenzied. Couldn’t get enough. Lap after lap. “Me me me me-” He sucks on your clit, letting his canines nibble lightly on them, and it lets out the most lewd sluuuuurp. “-and look- she’s thanking me.”

“Fuck! Never felt something so good-” Whining out, you’re bouncing your back into each of his hits. “-might be the best orgasm I’ve ever had- hck!”

“S’a pleasure, sweet girl.”

By the time the best of your high bates, Toji still hasn’t let up between those syrupy legs of yours. When he’s licked up every droplet of sap you’re letting out, he’s moving over to lick at the sheen of slick glued to your thighs. 

Again and again.

Until you’re all the way overstimulated, and tears start to drip as if from a faucet. “I th-think m’done, Toji.” As if he already didn’t know - you’re pushing at his clammy head. “My orgasm’s over, I wanna try taking your cock now-”

“And you’re sure?”

He wasn’t asking to be nice. He was asking to make you turn your head and balk at the way his impossible size had only seemed to grow even bigger. Your lips wobbling, “Y-yes.”

“Oho?” Dark brows raising, he stops his ministrations and moves both hands to now grip at your waist. “Well, you did tell me to put my ‘thick, looooong cock inside of your cunt’-”

“So shut up and do it.” Huffing in embarrassment, you pound at his muscular chest - and he could barely even feel it, like kitten kisses on his bulky body. It’s enough for Toji’s cock to jolt with need, and for his attractive face to break out into a grin.

“Atta girl.”

And with that final compliment, Toji’s making to grab onto your waist and lift you off of his face—with the loudest smooch! It’s ringing out like the prettiest melody in both your eardrums, and Toji just barely manages to disconnect himself with your sweet pussy.

Just barely breaks his lips from your tender folds, all slickly glossed.

Just barely wrenches you off with ease, and takes one nice look at your hole - when you’re realizing that Toji Fushiguro suddenly stops. His nostrils suddenly flare. He suddenly stutters-

“O-oh, sweet girl. I don’t think you even realize-” Toji gawks up at your cunt. And you’re feeling somewhat shy when he filthily leans his features in and takes a good, long sniff at your cunt. As you’re looking up at him in confusion, “-you’re in heat.”

“In heat?” He sets you down near his rugged v-line, and you’re animalistically grinding your cunt down on his thickened length. You look up at him for answers, “What do you mean? Shiu said I’ve already finished my heat-”

“Fuck what Shiu says, silly girl.” Lightly spanking your pussy, Toji rolls his sage eyes. His pupils were all blown-out and bleary with lust, only darkening the more he takes in your buttery pheromones. 

Oh, you smelled like the sweetest freshly-whipped cream - and that only made his mouth water as much as his swollen cock was. Drenching the cute innards of your thighs n’ your pussy mound with his sap, he grins. “I can smell it.” He parts his scarred lips, a thin line of saliva trickling down one side. “I can fucking- taste it-”

“Oh—” You’re gyratin’ back against his plummy cock tip, oh-so-lewdly. And you take another sniff of yourself, reaching up to feel that your scent glands have swollen up. “I g-guess you’re right-”

“Sugar, I am right.”

Before you know it, the world’s a blur around you- and suddenly you find your back against the soft hay. Your head being cushioned by one of Toji’s rugged palms, Toji’s large body hovering over you. Pressing you down-

“And this pretty pussy’s tellin’ me that this is yer first heat with a bull, hm?” Sliding his thumb between your glossy crevice, he listens for the squelches. “Awww, how cute—so m’your first, sweet girl?”

“Yes- yes.” And when he places his fleshy cock between your legs, at that sweet spot where you wanted him the most, you can’t help but realize that oh- he’d been stretching you out for so long for a good reason.

Because Toji’s hybrid cock looked absolutely ginormous between your legs, especially with the way he’d thickened up in size while eating you out. His cockhead was as red as a huge strawberry, and multiple times bigger. Bull hybrids, famed for the shaft length - now slipping n’ sliding between your pussylips.

Just kissing at your geysering orifice- “Oh- fuck.”

“And you know having you on top would be the easiest for her…” That said, he’s swatting his rough fingertips down on the nub of your clit. He’s spitting. He growls, and it’s enough to send shivers down your spine- “But m’still gonna have her in a mating press.” Throwing your legs over his shoulders, folding you damn in half. “Because you also forget one- fuck-” Just feeling you clench around nothing, enough to make him reach up and grab at a wooden beam. “-thing, sweetness.”

“And what’s that, Toji?”

“I’m in-” Hard enough that the wooden beam breaks—“-rut.”

Fourth rule, remember?

Because you didn’t think that he’d go this easy on you when he’s in fuckin’ rut, did you? You didn’t think that he was going to fuck you nicely, did you? You didn’t think that he wasn’t going to act like a damn animal, did you?

In a sudden motion, Toji’s plugging your hole up with his thick cockhead- and shoving it deep into your deepest insides. Long. Hard.

You’re yelping, nails finding purchase on his deltoids and clawing on for dear life because- “A virgin, are ya?” He tuts, “Don’t think m’gonna go easy on ya.”

“Oh my goodness-” Thighs curling around his toned waist, hips attempting to buck away. “Holy fuck-”

“Easy, easy.” It was just so cute the way you were struggling - especially when you were talking so big about wanting him. “Breathe in, girl- there ya go.”  You’re following as he instructs, “Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in—” And suddenly there’s a sodden spank at your pussy, “-you, too, pretty pussy.”

Something that catches you off-guard, and makes you swallow him up an inch deeper. Your eyes rolling all the way to the back of your skull, “Fuck fuck fuck fuck- I’ve never felt like this. You’re so big- hold on, Toji, you’re so-”

“Hold on?” 

“What-”

“Hold on?”

He’s then spitting out into your open mouth, and slapping your pussy so hard that you’re seeing stars. Instantly, you’re set on edge by the way that his rugged cock suddenly slams- “You’re telling me to h-hold on?”

And was that a stutter in his sentence?

A laugh?

Toji Fushiguro sounded like he was fucking losing it by merely hearing your whining questions- “You seriously want me to…” Clawing down in front of your body, one of his rude hands press down on your stomach as he’s sinking iiiiiiin. It makes you feel every ridge n’ vein, every inch, every bit of his thick shaft intruding in. “-hold on?”

“It’s just- I just didn’t think you’d be so big-” He was barely even halfway in and you could already feel Toji at your throat, gushing out sticky wads of slick. With your feet planted on the hay-littered ground, you’re trying to arch your back nearly away from—

“Oi- who said you could tap out?” Before you know it, Toji’s hand lifts from your thigh to grab onto your tail - one pulling you in by the tail, his right hand still feeling for that tummy bulge he was fucking into you.

You can’t get away by the way he’s manhandling you back down into his hips, skidding straight across the barnyard floor. “Tch- ya need ta be herded or what, silly girl?” Grazing his dark happy trail against your front, the curly tufts of it scratch your clit. “Come back t’me- rule number one, remember?”

“Fuck-” Throwing your head back in tears, your legs were limp from the sheer pressure being put on your lower half. “-I can feel you reaching in so deep-”

“And you wanted me to hold on?”

He was never going to let that go - he was never going to give you even the slightest second to get used to his incredible length. 

Palm pressing down on the cylindrical outline makin’ itself known on your tummy - just that big. Pelvis moving in a rapid, urgent half-thrusts-

Toji isn’t even waiting for your cunt to take it all, his red cockhead probin’ just inwards. Inwards and inwards and inwards. He can feel the tight resistance of your pussy, your sweet body unable to take him whole right now- and it only makes him groan.

With his head thrown back, he’s letting go of your tail to smear apart your pussylips. “M’in fucking rut and you wanted me to hold on-” He’s hissing, pushing your snug folds so far apart that you have no choice but to take his hammers. “Been teasing me with that s-sweet scent ever since I fucking got here and you want me to hold on-” Pulling you to him. Dragging you to him.

Toji breaks every single second that he’s not fully sheathed inside of you, and he’s just pummeling his hips deeper- “Hold on, hold on, hold on.” After each mention of his mantra, he’s rutting in. “You want me to h-hold on and-” Harder. “-and you know what-” Deeper. “-I want to do, sweet girl?”

“What-” You’re gasping out through your tears, sticking to both of your cheeks by now. “What do you want, Toji?”

“I want to- fuck! Well, first I want to fucking fit-” He’s whispering underneath his breath, darkened eyes narrowed as he takes it in. “Fit- fit- fit-” Before you know it, he’s spitting down once more on your cunt and shoving his cockhead inside. “-fucking fit-”

Blinking away the tears in your eyes, “And- hah, and what else did you want?” By the heightening of his pheromones, you already knew that it was something about to ruin you.

“I want…” He was teasing you now, just lightly grazin’ that blushing hot tip against the roof of your cunt. You could feel him filling up every sneaky orifice, and Toji was fucking you like he’d just gone feral- “I want to-”

“Oh, fuck!”

With a final, lewd thrust- Toji Fushiguro bottoms out.

“-breed ya, sugar.”

And he meant it. The massive bull hybrid was drilling into you like a madman- his cattle nose ring clanging with each rut. “I’ve been wanting to breed you since the moment I stepped foot here.” Toji growls, the red crown of his shaft directly heading towards your cervix now. Bruising. “I want to fuck- fuck you through every day of your heat- my rut.” And he was emptying out such long strings of precum into your womb, “Try to get you pregnant every single day of my rut.”

“You’re going to get me…” Your pupils are swirlin’ in comical circles within the whites of your eyes, and just the mere notion makes your tastebuds sizzle with saliva. You hadn’t spent your heat properly with a bull- let alone found yourself mated by one.

Bred by one.

“Fucking pregnant.” Toji finishes off with a snicker, pushing against that cute lil’ tummy bulge that he was pounding into you. 

“Oh, please-” You’re throwing your head back with a mewl, “But I’ve never been m-mated to anyone before. Are we sure it’s going to take, Toji-”

“I’ll make it take.”

His jackhammers were so hard by this point, enough so that your sap splatters out of you in puddles. It glistens right down the inner parts of your thighs, and Toji swipes his thumb down from your pussy to glaze it in the syrup. To reach up to his scarred maw and suck on it.

And when he feels your spit-slicked lips start to wobble out more concerns, he’s pushing that very thumb between your own lips.

“Shut it, silly girl. Ya really think that when I hah- when I fuck you like this—in this mating press.” As if on cue, his manhandling strength seems to be folding you even deeper in half. “With this pretty pussy-” Dragging out a few more slurps with his thrusts, “-and my rut- you’re not gonna be walking outta this barn stupidly pregnant?”

“I-I don’t-”

“Silly, silly girl.” It’s a rude thwack! of his curvaceous ball sack after each slam, and you can feel your body grow more restless after each of his spat-out words. So mean. “Silly lil’ hybrid thinks she’s gonna make it outta here- hah, without bearing my calves.”

You’re shivering, your body so limply fucked by this point- that Toji’s tail has to wrap around one of your thighs. Holding you up. Interlocking your ankles around his neck with that silky tail- “Well, since m’inexperienced-”

“And m’gonna give you the experience of yer life- heh, I already am.” 

He was - he really was. Just making you see stars every time Toji’s overlarge, plump cockhead dug into your g-spot. Somehow he’d managed to map the insides of your walls, and each thrust grazed his length against your sweet bundle of nerves. 

Probing and probing a bruise exactly the size of his round circumference- “M’gonna corrupt you, sweet lil’ thing.” A sleazy smile spreads across Toji’s handsome, perspired face. “M’gonna fill you up with so much of my cum that- hah, they’re gonna be milkin’ it out of you for months afterwards, sweet girl.”

“Fuck, I’d like that-”

“Oh yeah?”

“I’d like that s-shoooo much, Toji.” 

“Bet you’d like it even more after I fill you up with my calves, hm?” He titters, pheromones slowly growing saturated enough to mingle with your own. “After I fuck this pretty pussy pregnant ‘nough times that she remembers how it feels when I fill you up? After I breed you until we can- hah, fill this whole damn farm with them? After I make a momma out of you and no other bull can ever even think of touching you-”

You squeal, “Yes- yes yes yes yes-”

His tail tightens around your ankles, horns charging as if he was only growing more n’ more excited. Throbbing with more need. “And you better fuckin’ know that these are promises, sweetness. That no fucking farmer can ever break.” Toji stares you deep in your heart-shaped eyes as he says, “I will get you pregnant.”

“Oh, I’d fucking hope so.” You glide your hands down your front, “I wanna feel you right h-here, Toji.” Down where your womb was.

Fuck…you were dangerous for a bull in heat.

And his entire body feels feverish with need, the burning sensation of his rut overtaking Toji completely. 

As his hips only grow sloppier, you’re grazing your sweaty palms further down his body. Starting from his shoulders, before ultimately you end up squeezing Toji’s massive milky pecs.

Even for a bull, they were just so plush. And you can’t help but twiddle your thumbs ‘round the golden rings that he had pierced through his pinkish nipples, lecherously.

He shivers at the sensitive sensation, “O-oh? Look at you.” Snapping his head down, you swear you could see a rouge flush take over his cheekbones. “You’re corrupted already.” And both of Toji’s own hands end up removing from your stomach and your pussy, ending up- oh, you could’ve already guessed.

Both of Toji’s hands end up on your tits.

Squeezing.

Kneading.

Before you can say a word, he’s already growling out- “And as any momma would- we’re gonna hafta make sure you’re making enough milk, huh, sweetcheeks?” That last bit of his sentence ends up drowned between the valley of your chest.

Toji’s gaping his maw wide open and sucking on your right tit, his left hand pinching the nipples of your left tit.

“I don’t think anything’s gonna come out just yet-” Your tail swishes in arousal as you watch him hollow out his attractive cheeks, thoroughly sucking on your tit like his favorite lolly. Sucking like he was trying to make milk come out—“I never did produce…much…milk…”

As soon as the words leave your mouth, you’re being proved wrong. Because with a gushing sensation, you can feel your hardened nipples stream out something straight into Toji’s open mouth. “You were saying?” 

Pure white milk.

And he was such a messy eater, your ivory syrup dripping down his lips. It glosses them and created the sweetest lacquer that Toji himself was addicted to- “Mmm, so much, sweet thing—fuck.” He’s pinching at your left tit, too, a splashin’ puddle of milk that he immediately plops his mouth over to gulp up. “Ya really are a sweet thing-”

“I’ve never made this much even for the farmer-” You’re gasping, and your milk cascades down Toji’s chin like a waterfall. Constant. Sloppy “How did you even…”

“Because you’re in heat.” He says- choppy, through the way that he barely wanted to speak, barely wanted to remove himself from the sweet fountains of your spurting milk. “Because m’in rut.” Toji’s hips smack into yours so hard that you see white for a second, and his happy trail perfectly carnally itches at your clit. “And tonight- we’re gonna make a fucking baby, sweet mama.”

“O-oh—” With your voice cracking, you’re reaching your high. It comes instantaneously, and you arch into Toji’s glissading muscles as you ride through it.

As you’re fucked through it.

“Cumming again?” Toji’s marvelling, his words thick - he had his mouth full, after all. Smelling the saccharine sweetness of your orgasm in your pheromones, he’s marking each peak of your high with a bang! of his reddened cockhead. 

Slowly opening up your womb even more, your g-spot felt so red-hot and raw from the inside as he just kept on thumpin’ away there. Again and again and again. “Of course, ya are- fuck. Just like thaaaat, fuck back into me- third rule. They say the momma needs to cum good if we wanna get you pregnant after all-”

“And what about you?” Still in the throes of your bliss, you feel absolutely no inhibitions in babbling away. Drunk on the thick, veiny size of him fucking you through your high—“Aren’t you gonna?”

“Gonna what?”

“Fuck…”

“Rule number six-” Toji pipes up, a mean glint in his eyes. “-is to use those words like the big girl you are.”

And you best believe that he was fucking you like he was trying to push the very words up to your throat, his veins massaging your sweet spots and making you shiver, his pearly white teeth back to sucking on your milk. “I want- hah!” You wince when his right hand slithers down to pinch your clit, “-you to cum- fuck.” You moan when his left keeps toyin’ with your nipples, streaming out dairy for Toji to swallow up. “-inside my cunt, Toji.”

And there—his eyes slightly widen in interest, “You really said it.” A proud smile gracing his face, “You really, really…oh.”

With a few more lewd thrusts, he’s emptying out his heavy balls. 

They tighten as they spurt out the creamiest wads of cum waaaaaay back into your spongy womb, suckin’ up each pearly droplet as Toji fucks them inside you. Splashing out. Pooling out. That bawling divot in the middle of his shaft just leaves a murky mess behind, ribbons of ivory that glue your walls together.

“Oh fuck-” He’s clenching his canines, you swear he’s holding back tears—“And you’re gonna take it-” Toji snarls, fighting against the urge to throw his head back - simply because he wanted to look at you as he stuffed you till you were overspilling. “-take every single last drop-”

The hulking bull hybrid shakes as you clench your velvety walls. “Oh, yes.” You’re shivering once he smacks! your clit once more, swirlin’ those sultry webs of seed with his fingertips.

Toji’s pushing them inwards, again and again. “And yer gonna keep it, aren’t you?” Fucking you, again and again. 

He hums, gluing the edges of his fingers inside your channel, so that not a single gumdrop can leak out of you. “Second rule, sweetness, squeeze those pretty legs. S’gonna tell that pussy to keep my cum inside- give me a lil’ calf, heh.”

“Shit- keep talking and I’ll…”

It’s too late for you. You’re so far gone on his pummeling length that with a few more strokes, you’re reaching your high once more.

White-hot.

Toes curling.

Back arching.

You can’t even control yourself, it’s the most powerfully sinful sensation you’ve felt in your entire life. And this time, not only are you overspilling in Toji’s glutinous white cum - you’re also spraying out your own slick. Translucent splashes of sweetness, so powerful that your entire body shakes. 

Your high was being dragged out of you.

Squirting. You can’t believe you squirted during your first heat with a mate, your first heat mounted.

And as he instinctively bucks his hips through it, your new mate swears- “Fuck- fuck, don’t tell me you’re- oh. You are. Turns out I milked you dry, hm?” Something in him oh-so-triggered by the way you just kept on drippin’ from that pretty cunt, it’s as if the hybrid part of him knew that he had to do something to stop you from losing so much of it. “Rule number four, my sweet mate.”

But no bracing in the world could prepare you for what you felt in that very moment - because suddenly you’re feeling a strength so incredible that it’s as if you’re being split apart. “Your- your knot?”

“Damn right.”

You just had to see this for yourself. Chin hitting your chest as you watch Toji push n’ push the incredibly swollen base of his cock inside you. It was so round n’ red, about four times his actual circumference. 

It sinks in with a lecherous sluuuuuurp—and Toji empties out a few more streaks of cum just from the sheer sensation of having his sensitive hilt sheathed inside of you. Isn’t that every bull’s dream? To have a mate as pretty as you, choking and overstimulated around his knot? Ready to take all of him until you’re pregnant-

“We’re mates now.” You’re still shivering from the shockwaves of your multiple highs, so overstimulated that you don’t hear his murmurs. Sobbing, you’re tugging cutely at his nipple piercings to garner his attention. “Wh-what was that, Toji?”

“I said–” Roughly, he pulls off from your lactating tits. Your milk drivels down either side of his greedy maw, “-that you know a bull’s rut lasts days, right, sweetcheeks?”

“Oh.”

“Guess we have a lot to learn…h-heh.”

.

.

.

Shiu was halfway through his drive to Tokyo.

Halfway through his window cracked down halfway, his dark hair playing in the breeze, head nodding in time with the beat of some early 2010’s pop hit that’d surprisingly managed to calm him down during his drive.

Sure, Kusakabe had completely ruined his plans and forced him to leave you unattended on the farm - but Shiu can’t help but almost feel grateful towards his friend.

After all, it’s not every day that he gets to go out like this - the life of a farmer sure was a busy one. And it was such a nice day out, driving along smooth and silent in his truck like this was almost therapeutic. He’s almost considering getting an apprentice or two so that he’d be able to do this more often. He really thinks he could find inner peace like this, maybe all those self-help magazines he grimaced at in convenience stores were onto something. A man needs time for himself, too, y’know?

Yeah, time for himself. Time to just wind back, enjoy the highway, just appreciate the beauty of the world, y’know?

Halfway through a drive of peace and quiet, when he suddenly realizes-

And Shiu’s stepping so hard on the brakes that he wouldn’t have been surprised if about five other cars smashed into him from behind right about now. And he wouldn’t have noticed, either—”I left the gate of the bull in rut fucking unlocked-”

Immediately after he remembered, Shiu had gone and done a (likely illegal, most definitely illegal) U-turn right then and there. Heading right back where he came from, he’d cut off multiple cars, almost run over some unsuspecting old lady in his haste to get back to his farm - Kusakabe be damned, his best friend could rot in Tokyo until the end of time for all he cared. After all, he was the one that caused all this!

Shiu made it back home in less than half the time it took him to halfway down his journey to Tokyo (he’s sure he ran a few red lights).

And he’s fumbling with the keys of his gates, forgetting his truck and sprinting right up to where his cattle hybrids were. All cooped up inside the pen, they hadn’t gone into the barn still - and yet, with one sweeping glance, Shiu can’t really find any missing.

So he almost dares to breathe a sigh of relief- before his eyes catch the placement where Kusakabe’s bull had resided. Where Toji resided.

And Shiu’s heart drops at the same time as his jaw.

It was empty.

Quickly, he’s suspecting just why the cows and bulls outside weren’t going inside the barn, and Shiu takes another look at his herd—fuck!! Fuck, fuck, fuck - there was one missing.

And he knew exactly who it was.

In urgent, jerky motions, Shiu’s throwing open the gate to the pen (this time double-checking to lock it behind him) and heading straight towards the barn.

The barn where he can hear the rustling of hay, where he can smell the saturated sweetness of hybrid pheromones, where he can see—oh, you on your hands and knees, with your pretty ass raised high in the air for Toji’s cock to plough into, his powerful body. You’re all sprawled out on the hay, saliva and milk splashing out of you at a constant pace. You mewled as he stretched out your cunt so mercilessly, again and again and again. The plump knot ‘round his base hitting your pussylips with almost painful thwacks! 

And by the ribbons of miry cum that clung onto both your lower halves, Shiu was safe to assume that this certainly wasn’t the first round…

Shiu’s nostrils flare, and he’s realizing that this wasn’t just the heady scent of Toji’s rut - it was your heat, too. That luscious creamy smell that made his mouth water, and his cock twitch in his pants as he took in the sight-

BZZZZZZZZ—!

Thank god his phone was on silent mode- Shiu hastens to pick it up before either of you can hear. Though, he doesn’t think he’s very successful with it.

Because just as Shiu places the crackling phone against his ear, whispering out a quiet- “H-hello?” He sees that Toji’s smug, handsome head turns in the direction of the barn door. And he’s smirking straight at the other man as he claims every inch inside of you, Toji’s honed tip pinpointing into every tiny nook and cranny. 

And if that wasn’t enough, he’s leaning down to grab onto your leaky tits- and squeeeeeze out a pure white stream of your milk. Much more than Shiu’s ever been able to tease out of you during milking sessions.

He was making his mate known.

Slowly, Shiu backs out of the barn without you noticing (though, you were so deep in the waves of your carnal pleasure, that he thinks it would’ve been impossible to get your attention anyways).

Only once he’s out of the headiness of the barn does Shiu finally manage to register the other man’s voice-

“Hello? Helloooooo? Man, where are you now-”

“Hey, Kusakabe.” Shiu speaks, still slightly dazed. Still slightly staring through the barn doors from afar - all because of a fucking gate. “Take the next train here from Tokyo- no, don’t worry about your truck, you can pick it up later. No, you don’t need the cattle trailer anymore.”

Kusakabe sputters, “Huh? But why?” At the other man’s silence, one could almost hear the moment that understanding sets in. “Oh man- oh wait, don’t tell me that Toji and that sweet cow hybrid of yours has-”

“Yeah.” Shiu grits, and he pinches the bridge of his nose. “Unrelated, but would you happen to know any good names for calves?”

A/N. YOU ASK AND DADDY PROVIDES (not child support tho-) YES I SAW Y’ALL IN THE COMMENTS-