A friend of mine asked me once how I could tell the difference between experiencing romantic and platonic attraction. I'd like to restate my thoughts here, since I think they could be useful for some people!
First of all, Intensity =/= Romance. Platonic feelings can be just as strong as romantic ones, although the amatonormativity we live in pretends otherwise. Because of that, I used to often wonder if my squishes are actually crushes. Nowadays, I just go through a series of questions and feel much more at peace afterwards!
"Do I have a crush on this person?"
On the mouth? With tongue?
Do I want them to kiss me?
Do I want to go on dates with them?
Alone? Would I like it more or less in a group setting with other friends?
Do I like the idea of being seen as a "pair?"
Do I want to live with them?
What does an ideal wedding look like, in my head?
Do I like the idea of them confessing to me?
If I have any interest in children, am I interested in raising children alongside them?
Do I want to exchange gifts with them annually on dates like Valentine's and/or an anniversary?
Do I (in general) enjoy traditional romantic gifts like flowers or jewelry?
Would I enjoy receiving those gifts from the person in question?
If they told me they just got a new partner, would I feel negatively about that?
Do I feel that same negativity when other people I'd never be interested in romantically (family members, etc.) announce they have new partners? Or is it just the person in question?
If sex is a romantic thing for me, do I want to have sex with them?
Answering "yes" to a single one of these questions doesn't mean I have a crush. But answering "yes" to many of them would indicate romantic feelings.
For me, this is a relief, because when I apply these questions to my friends and squishes, I typically react with disgust and RESOUNDING "no"s. Kissing, dating, annual gift obligations, marriage, and co-parenting all squick me out and make me recoil.
A lot of aros (especially baby or questioning ones) might also answer "yes" to a hypothetical they haven't experienced themselves, but then change their answer to "no" later. I know I used to think being confessed to would be flattering (even by someone I didn't reciprocate), but now that it's happened to me a few times, I know how awkward and awful it is. Same with kissing; I thought I'd like it because everyone in media likes it, but actually trying it (with girls and boys) has firmly cemented me in the reality that I just hate mouth kissing.
But, I still thought it might be useful for some aros who struggle with their identity due to all the arophobia and amatonormativity trying to make them question their feelings!
(It might also be helpful for someone trying to figure out if they're gay/bi and have a crush on someone, idk)
