it's den with a pen

was feeling loved a placebo or a figment of my imagination? you did it so well—filling in silences, trading doubts with certainties; it drew an inclination within me to reciprocate the feeling.

To what extent will I exhaust my patience, lingering on begging to be loved, awaiting to be simply discarded. This is the love that found me, the love I let seep through my cracks. Do I demand too much? Is that it? Will asking for love blindly lead me to the dustbin?

I have no idea how to deal with all this loneliness. Do I simply sit through its discomfort? Must I remedy it with another futile distraction? There is simply so much soundless space, and time is ever slower.

I have no idea where the actuality of me starts, and the ocd in me ends. Are these separate, or are they both me? Are these really my thoughts, or are these something separable

I used to trouble myself sleepless of the definition of love, I questioned its intricacies and complexities. Listed are criteria that were never met, and conclusions left open-ended. I never thought I’d willingly place myself in a position of wishing that only love was enough.

There is a distinct sadness in my heart. It’s somewhere there, it’s expanding. I feel it deeply, I feel it throb, crack, pierce through. It is as bottomless as the ocean, I am lost in the trenches. The sadness is there, inhabiting my heart as though it has seeped through crevices and new cracks.

Pain so conceivable, I feel it coming out my throat

Leaving had to happen. And I just can’t grasp that.

Is this what meeting halfway meant?

What if loneliness randomly dawns on me, and I couldn’t bear it

I don’t want it to be abrupt, having to step down from a pedestal—to be losing all benefits

Is this how my imminent fall begins ?

I know hunger like a long lost friend. When I was unkind to myself, it was kind.

I have been my mother’s daughter for the last 23 years. Do you really think I cannot sweep an argument under the rug? I know emotional torture like a childhood friend, we’re basically family now.