=^. .^=

I've been unable to cry for at least 14 years now. it dried up somewhere around the 3rd and 4th grade, bullying and trauma leading to me becoming emotionally numb and being physically unable to cry - literally, my body could not process big emotions through crying anymore, it'd just get stuck every time. like a half-cry, or even less, that my body would just shut down before it got anywhere.

I'd pretty much given up on the idea I'd ever be able to cry again, accepted it as something I'd just have to live with.

but one month ago, I started taking estrogen. I don't know if it's the new hormones coming in and changing things up, but... last night, I was watching this film, and it got to a really emotional point, and though I'd been tearing up throughout the film's touching scenes up until then, this time I just *went.* I was bawling my eyes out, and it took me a while to realize that for the first time in over 14 years, my body wasn't stopping me. I was *actually* crying for real!

I must have cried and cried and cried for like 10 minutes and I remember having this flurry of different emotions it was hard to tell one from the other, but one thing I felt so strongly was just how happy I was to finally be able to cry! this was something I thought I'd never get back, not for a long, long time at least but here I was, my body actually doing what it's supposed to do and letting me cry...

I immediately had to take selfies and write about it in my diary to memorialize the moment. I was so elated. I can cry again! I can cry!