stone heart, wings of gold

you’re sitting there organizing your things and prepping your documents for this assignment. it was suggested to work in groups as to get the work done faster, and you already know who will be showing up at your desk. but when you look up, there’s an unexpected face staring at you instead; taehyun. he’s another classmate of yours and a good student. “hey, if you’re not busy i was hoping we could work on this together? yknow split the work up a bit?” you’re about to reply when a familiar voice rings in your ears. “oh im sorry, was i interrupting? i was just trying to get my partner so we can work together.” of course it’s sungho. he’s not even sure how he got here so quickly. all he remembers is a weird feeling swirling in his gut. why is he with you. doesn’t everyone know sungho only works with you? you’re so smart and kind, always working with his ideas and adding your own thoughts. taehyun doesn’t even know the face you make when you’re focused, so why does he think he can just walk up to you like he doesn’t exist?? taehyun flashes a quick apologetic smile, completely unaware of the battle sungho is fighting in his head. “partner? sorry dude i had no idea you guys were dating, my bad!” his eyes go wide and almost immediately his ears burn a bright red. “WHAT—?! no not my partner, she’s my class partner! like we’re paired for the project!!” his eyes flash over to you, wildly gesturing with his hands. “we’re not dating no- i mean, i’m not saying i wouldn’t date you.. you’re amazing— L-LIKE in a ‘you’re super smart and hardworking’ way, you know? but i- im not trying to ask you out now, i’d have more class than that! i’d take you out somewhere nice and ask you properly— NOT THAT I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFORE!!” he’s beet red and out of breath by the time he’s done over explaining himself. taehyun takes his leave awkwardly and you’re stuck staring at him with a bewildered expression. “sungho. get to the fucking table already.”

- he’s speechless after that, completely confused as to what made him act out like that. he seemingly can’t comprehend why it made him so… upset to see you being someone else’s partner.

- and that word, partner, is what makes the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. he might like you a lot more than just a classmate….

- sungho is traumatized. by himself. and vows he’ll never do something that embarrassing again. therefore, he now has to confess to you properly and keep his word of asking you out after a nice dinner!

riwoo — the cutie

- you and riwoo met in elementary school, bonding over having the same pencil case and liking the same music. but him moving away after the fourth grade unfortunately had you forgetting about him. well, until now.

- of course you’re happy to see him after all these years and can’t wait to catch him up on your middle school horror stories. but he’s not just some school gossip, he’s a man now! a man ready to confess what he couldn’t all those years ago.

- his confidence has always been what pushes him forward and there’s no denying that now with how much prettier and interesting you’ve gotten. but with everyone else seemingly fighting for you..? what if he stands no chance…

- no, he can’t think like that. he knows he can trust in his cute charm, so he’s not worried about his “competition” since there’s really no better choice than him!!

- besides, there was no going back for him once he’s heard you’re going to the same high school now. he needs to make up for lost time :

“ah- riwoo?” he’s snapped out of his thoughts and turns his head to the sound of your voice. there you are. just as pretty as he could’ve imagined. your hairstyle suits you, he thinks, it frames your face in a way that brings out your eyes. and your smile— wait. respond, riwoo don’t just go silent! “yn! it’s so nice to see you, how have you been? i know it’s been a while,” does he hug? handshake? a simple nod?? god, when has he ever been this nervous.. after you go in for a hug, you pull away and hum, “cute glasses,” and he swears he feels light headed. you almost immediately start talking afterwards and for that he’s glad. there’s no awkward transitional phase where you’re silent, it’s like you’re just resuming a conversation. he smiles to himself because you still talk the same. just as animated and excited when recreating stories with the same habit of talking with your hands. it’s like you’ve actually known each other all these years. oh but now he’s overthinking it.. what if this is too casual. are you this comfortable because you just see him as a close friend? what is he thinking, you’ve been talking for 2 minutes not 2 months! there’s no way you could— “..riwoo?” his gaze shoots up to yours, “i said, what about you? i’d love to know how you’ve been doing.” and his nerves calm because the beam of your smile is all the reassurance he needs.

- however, no matter how many years have passed or how he’s grown into his features, riwoo is still scared that you’ll always see him as the friend you had on the playground.

- he also might have a bit of an unacknowledged one sided beef going on with these other guys because they don’t see him as a threat..

- but that’s not gonna stop him from winning your heart, he’s technically known you years longer than anyone else here! plus, he’s charismatically handsome and a lot funnier so why wouldn’t you choose him?

jaehyun — the overachiever

- jaehyun juggles the many tasks of being the class president, captain of the boys soccer team, and is now trying to be the schools genius. however you’re a pretty tough candidate to beat.

- you’d assume he would come for your spot in being top of your class but he actually really admires you for it! he starts making an effort to get on your good side because in his head, you’d be an unstoppable duo.

- it’s during a study session for a group math competition that the warmth in his chest becomes unavoidable and he comes to terms with the fact that being just the top students isn’t all that he wants.

- at first, he tries winning you over with expensive gifts and elaborate plans to take you out. he thinks he can win you over by just impressing you. but you’re just not falling for him yet.. so he almost gives up

- but he realizes that you actually enjoy nerding out and appreciate when someone really listens. you light up with an animated expression when you talk about your interests, he caught the look in your eyes during your conversation with the “weird fish guy” and couldn’t get it out of his head.

- he starts paying more attention to what you’re really passionate about instead of going off of the surface level things he sees :

the sun begins to dip under the horizon as you finish your last assignment for the week. you don’t even notice jaehyun walking up until he’s sitting across from you at the table. he’s still a little sweaty from practice but changed into a fresh pair of clothes. you notice he’s acting weird, normally starting the conversation with a loud greeting or a laugh. but he looks… nervous. not making eye contact, unusually quiet, and playing with the strap of his backpack awkwardly. “are you.. okay? you’re acting really weird.” you laugh it off but concern is laced in your tone. “i got you something,” his voice is weaker and even a little embarrassed, like he’s not sure if he’s saying the right thing. “myung jaehyun, i told you to stop getting me things! you’ve spent way too much money and i don’t—” your throat goes dry when he turns his phone over to you. the screen reads YOU GOT EM! with a recent picture of your favorite idol group that’s just announced their tour. your eyes trail down and are caught on the subtext. meet and greet. jaehyun’s heart pounds against his chest in anticipation, he can’t read your expression. did he go too far? what if he got the group wrong. what if you can’t even go that day? what if— you launch out of your seat and practically tackle him, “OH MY GOD. YOU DIDNT- HOW DID YOU EVEN—? THEY’RE SO EXPENSIVE WHAT??” you’re spewing out thank you’s and your face is so close that all he can muster is a “are they okay..?” you pull back with a huge grin, “OKAY?? jaehyun this is PERFECT! thank you, oh i LOVE YOU FOR THIS!” and his brain short circuits.

- now that he knows the true way to your heart, jaehyun takes the time to assure you he’ll support every interest you talk about. the expensive gifts don’t stop, instead becoming more thoughtful and relevant to what you’d actually love.

- he listens to your advice of slowing down and stop trying to get ahead of his future, focusing on you is his main priority and he can only hope he isn’t too late.

taesan — the quiet one

- you’ve heard of taesan before, some calling him the rude emo that makes garage band music.. but the guy has been no where to be seen as of late.

- an awkward interaction with one of your love interests leads you to take refuge in a music room you had wrongfully assumed to be empty. unfortunately, no one takes your schools band seriously so the practice rooms are usually unused and left unlocked to whoever wants to make an attempt at making music.

- you’re giving yourself a pep talk on how to not be so awkward when the most monotone voice scares the living daylights out of you

- “..are you done?” and that’s where you meet him!!

- you magically start noticing him around your campus a lot more and he soon starts waving back when you say hi.

- he eventually catches himself enjoying your company and once he opens up, you realize he’s not the “gothy grump” everyone makes him out to be.

- it isn’t until the festival that’s coming up that taesan realizes he might have to confront his feelings sooner than he’d like. he overhears jaehyun saying he’s gonna confess to you during the fireworks and he can’t have you wasting your time on that “tryhard” :

just before you finish getting ready to leave the house and meet jaehyun, a message pops up on your phone from taesan asking you to meet at your usual spot because it’s urgent. you rush over because he’s never texted with such…emotion before. except when you get there, he’s calm as ever saying he needs your help with his equipment and writing lyrics. “taesan- i don’t have time for this.. the festival starts soon and i had promised jaehyun I'd—” “hold this,” he cuts you off and hands you his electric bass as if to distract you. you freeze. taesan has said how this is like his prized possession. how he saved his paychecks from his job at the dead end music shop to pay for it. and he’s just handing it to you so naturally. “you know how to play?” his hands ghost over yours, cold and much larger than yours as they position your fingers in the correct spot. he teaches you the beginning melody of a song he’s working on and it gets stuck in your head. you can almost catch a glimpse of his notebook with the lyrics. lines are scratched out and others are penciled in messily, and you swear a scribble at the top resembles your name but you don’t get the chance to read any of it before he swipes it from the desk and turns his attention back to you. you end up talking a lot in that room, the night feeling endless as time goes on. your heart sinks when you hear the fireworks cracking outside, realizing you’d broken your promise to jaehyun. taesan tries bringing your attention back to him but is too late before you’re grabbing your bag and running out the door. there’s a twinge of guilt in his chest but it’s ultimately drowned out by the ache in his heart when the warmth of your hand lingers on his palm.

- the music room becomes your safe space when things get too overwhelming and you know taesan will be the silence you need

- he likes your company as he works on his music, watching your face as he plays the backtracks of “your song” without explicitly saying it’s for you just to see if you like it

- he hates how distracted you are with all these other losers so he can only hope his music gets stuck in your head and into your heart.

leehan — your nerdy friend

- you’re not entirely sure how or when you had become so close to leehan. all you remember is asking him to help you get a bag of chips out of the vending machine because they were stuck and he was the only one around. he kinda just assumed you were friends now and has lingered around ever since.

- hanging out with him is a nice change of pace though, like a person you really can be yourself around. you take turns info dumping about things you’re into and get equally as excited with each other.

- he’s always super sweet, walking you to class and waiting for you outside before it finishes. he’ll even hold your bag despite your protests of being fully capable to hold it yourself.

- even on your hangouts to the aquarium or a museum he’s a saint. if you want pictures taken then he’ll turn into your personal photographer and smiles when he sees himself tagged under your instagram post.

- ever since the new year has started, leehan has noticed you’ve been around him less. he’s always been very observant like that, so of course he’s aware of the time you don’t spend with him.

- he gets a little sulky, sure, but he only suspects that to be normal because of all the new friends you’re making :

leehan hasn’t had a reason to doubt your closeness anyway. you have matching keychains and go out with other around the town basically every week. you always have something (and someone) new to talk about so he doesn’t see much of a problem because you’re so happy when you talk. but today he’s heard some news that’s seemed to have reached everyone but you considering how calm you are about it. “i heard from riwoo that you’re going out on a.. date pretty soon.” there’s a lilt in his tone that isn’t necessarily insecure, but more so curious as to what you’ll reply. “oh yeah that’s right! he said there’s this super cute pastry shop downtown that we should go to!” he’s not a fan of the way you perk up. “you’re actually going??” you almost flinch at his change of tone; accusatory and almost offended. “well.. yeah? riwoo’s nice and i mean no one else has really stepped up to take me out so i don’t see why it’s so bad to go out with him.” confusion is written all over your face because why would he care? you’ve barely mentioned any of the other guys you’ve met to him. he scoffs, pouting and breaking eye contact with a huff, “and you didn’t bother to tell me?” “it never came up! besides, why do i need to tell you everything? it’s not like we’re dating.” it goes silent. “….we’re not?” you stare at him for a long time before breaking the silence, “why would we?? you haven’t asked me out or called me your girlfriend— we don’t even see each other everyday!” “i just thought.. we were really secure…”

- turns out, all leehan needs in a relationship is attention, a great listener, and an aquarium buddy. but now he thinks he can do better than that..

- these other guys don’t even know you! he’s the only one who recognizes the video game character you have as your profile picture and the music you listen to while you study.

- so after a few awkward explanations, leehan is determined to prove to you and everyone else why he should reclaim his spot as your official boyfriend.

woonhak — the eager one

- you didn’t necessarily have a choice in being in woonhak’s life, it was more like he chose you to be in his.

- he begged you to tutor him in biology and hasn’t really left your side since. he kinda claimed you as his friend and now you have no say in the matter.

- he’s always coincidentally at the same places you are. he’ll walk by your class and wave at you through the window or offer to buy you lunch since your schedules surprisingly match up.

- but despite how..random he is, woonhak always manages to put a smile on your face every time you're around him. whether it be a dumb joke or his clumsy mistakes, he's always managed to get you out of a bad mood.

- traces of you are left all around him now; your notes and doodles in the margins of his notebook, random stickers left on his water bottle, even some of your pens that he stole borrowed from you. while other people have gained suspicion, you both only see it as a ‘really good friendship’…

- one day, you go out grocery shopping with your mom and stop dead in your tracks when you make eye contact in the cereal aisle :

he’s immediately on his best behavior to make a good impression on your mom and of course she loves him. he has that boyish charm that wins her over and makes your stomach do a weird flip. you excuse yourself to grab a carton of eggs and a breather. it’d be silly to overthink this, it’s a grocery store not a manhunt, so why would it be crazy to see him here?? either way. your mom taking such a liking to him wasn’t exactly on your bucket list. of course you’re questioned on the way home and asked about who he is but there’s not many answers to give. later that night, you hear a knock at your door right before dinner is almost done. but you’re completely dumbfounded when woonhak is standing at your doorstep with a cheesy smile and a bouquet of flowers. “your mom will like these, right? i wasn’t sure if she was more of a lilies or peonies type of person, but she suits both!” your own mother plotted your demise while you were grabbing eggs. and worst of all? you’re in your home outfit. a well loved band tshirt, sleep shorts that have seen better days, and your hair sticking every which way. but woonhak’s smile almost melts like he finds it endearing, and that just makes this all worse!! he’s invited in by your mom and you rush to change into something more presentable before setting the table. you completely expect the table to be awkwardly silent or for someone to end up embarrassing you but it’s surprisingly pleasant. woonhak compliments your moms cooking and gets into an entertaining conversation with your dad about baseball. he fits in all too well and, without either of you realizing, it makes you both a little nervous.

- he definitely will help with the dishes after and your mom will insist he comes over more often. she’ll even bring him up like “that woonhak boy is so sweet, you should bring him over more!” and you don’t know what kind of spell he’s cast over her.

- since he’s a little younger than you, woonhak is just trying his hardest to prove himself to you and the universe is working in his favor every time.

so, who would you choose?

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“Listen—” you start, looking around for help but finding no one to back you up. Riwoo hears you mutter a curse under your breath at how Kim Woonhak and Han Taesan were backstabbing baboons who would be dealt with once you got out of this tight spot. Then you meet Riwoo’s eyes once more, putting on your most innocent, lovely smile. “You see, the principal’s been wanting to renovate this wing anyways. I was lending a hand—literally, haha.” You add jazz-hands for flair, hoping it’s at least entertaining enough to warrant a giggle.

However, Riwoo remains unimpressed. His brows meet in the middle of his frown, lips a thin, straight line, the muscle in his cheek twitching in annoyance. Or exhaustion—whichever you plagued him with first. 

“You finger painted…hand painted?—graffiti on the new student council room… My room.”

“Yep!” You nod, flashing all your teeth at him, happy to have helped. “It looks so much more vibrant like this, see—” You gesture towards the mural that looks like a unicorn shat rainbows all over it (with your chin, since your hand is in no state to be moved around freely, not when it's dripping pink and purple onto the ground). “Before I came in, this was all gray. Like concrete, ew. But I fixed it!”

“Fixed it…” Riwoo repeats, every nerve in his body fighting the urge to catch fire and explode like a cartoonic grenade. 

You nod again, wilder this time, getting your hair in your mouth but continuing to speak in spite of it. “Gotta make sure the stuco prez has a nice view.”

The sixth lash from the right on Riwoo's left eye twitches madly. His fists are balled up in the crooks of his elbows, arms crossed over his chest lest they decide to grow an impulse and slam themselves into his own skull. Not that he doesn't deserve it—he probably does—given this was all his fault for letting you get away with your delinquency all this time. 

“Vandalism,” he punctuates, gritting the word between his front teeth, “is against the school rules.”

You aren't convinced, rolling your eyes in easy dismissal. “It's called artistic freedom, look it up.” 

“I did. In the handbook. That I was asked to edit and enforce.”

“Dude, you need to chill out and like, dip your feet in a waterfall or something,” you continue, still too casual for Riwoo’s liking, like his position and power are simply dirt under your fingernails—or paint, in this case—to ignore. “Chase a dragonfly, like your vice president does sometimes.”

Riwoo’s patience is thinning, but he says, “Leehan is a special case. He gets distracted easily, that's all.”

“And that’s why he doesn't look constipated half the time and you do.”

That’s it. He's done being a doormat; he is going to put his foot down and make sure to whip your personality into shape if it's the last thing he does. 

He is so sick of your inability to sit still and follow rules for once. There's always something for him to clean up after: the busted pipes in the girl's bathroom from when you wanted to orchestrate a school-wide water fight for ‘team building’, the time he found out you were selling bootleg DVDs under the table (quite literally) for cash, the time he almost slipped and died from the loose papers you'd left scattered on the floor in a hurry to run to the toilets, because, apparently, peeing yourself is more of an emergency than preventing his potential funeral. 

Not anymore. 

You will respect him, and you will pay for your sins. 

“5 PM, after school. You're fixing this mess or I’m giving you another demerit.”

“But…” Your eyes widen, hands slowly dropping to your sides and getting colourful stains on your uniform. “That means suspension.”

“Good, so you have read the handbook.”

“No, you recite it every time you put me in detention,” you correct, and then regret it immediately. “Uhhhh…. I mean… Can't I just paint your face up there and call it a day?”

“Are you bribing me…?” Riwoo is offended if not confused, blinking an unnatural number of times at your audacity. “You're bribing me…with my own face?”

“Yeah! Is it working?” Not even the tiniest bit of guilt slips out your mouth when you speak, just hope. 

“... No.” Riwoo remains stern, despite the Herculean effort it takes to not give into your foolish smile. He straightens his spine, meets you head-on when he says—“5 PM. Or you find a new school midway through the year.”

And then, before you can get a word in, he speed-walks out of there without looking back, ignoring every single word of protest that makes its way out your mouth and echoes through the wooden door, until he's far away enough to give his heart, and brain, a rest.

The pen scratches against the paper in a smooth tempo, the spine of the ledger occasionally thumping against the desk when Riwoo presses the tip with a little too much force. Sunset orange spills through the murky glass and onto his visage, dappling amber through strands of his hair, his lashes, the raise of his cheek, through the lens of the glasses on his nose-bridge. 

Serene. That's what he feels. 

At least until—

“This is so harddddd. Let me go home!!”

Your whines are met with feigned oblivion and a glide of the page as he prepares to look over this week’s club accounts. Budgeting is a beast, and he's the only person capable enough to make sure no one goes over the limit and plunges the school into a debt they certainly cannot pay off. The principal has already threatened to cut funds and force them into begging on the streets if they were to keep splurging on puppy therapy days and useless visits to the aquarium like three times a year. (This is Leehan's fault, not his.)

(Well…it is his fault for not saying no to the vice president’s whims. But in Riwoo’s defense, he was way too preoccupied with attempting to wrangle you into line.)

“Prez. Yo, prez. Prez!?” you keep repeating petulantly, marching over to wave your scrub-cloth in front of his downturned eyes, failing to snap him out of his work. “Lee Riwoo, I can't do this anymore!”

“Less whining, more cleaning,” he says simply, not looking up for even a second. 

You pout, grumbling at how the paint is too stuck into the surface to come off without boiling hot water and a bone-breaking amount of scrubbing. You'd already struggled to fill and carry a heavy bucket all the way here, then almost collapsed from the level of effort required to reset the wall back into its original state. 

Riwoo hasn't moved an inch from the teacher's desk in the past one hour, no matter how much you attempted to strike up small-talk or huffed or sighed very loudly. He just sat there, writing. Doing math was certainly better than talking to you. 

He thinks you've given up on it after trying and failing too many times than he's bothered to count. Riwoo is swallowed up by tiny numbers floating above the blue lines, by mental additions and subtractions and estimations running across his mind as he mutters quietly under his breath, careful not to lose track of his place. He thinks you've already gone back to cleaning when—

When something soft and feather-like brushes across his cheek, and a looming shadow falls over him. He sucks in a sharp breath, feels goosebumps prickle up on his neck, feels something eerie crawl through his abdomen as he slowly turns his head to check…

“HOLY SHIT—!” he yelps as he jumps out of his skin—and off the chair, straight onto his butt on the floor. 

You blink down at him in confusion. “What? I was just curious about what you were so focused on.” And without regard for his privacy or the fact that he's still flat on his ass, you lean in to poke your head into his ledger, your face getting more impressed as you read down the page. “Damn, you run this place like it's the military,” you note, nodding. “Wait, do you take suggestions?”

“Huh?”

“The athletes get all the funds and us arts kids get morsels. Can't you update the instruments in the music room at least this year?”

“That is not my jurisdiction,” Riwoo says as he finally gets up, brushing the dust off his pants and straightening his tie, pushing back his rimmed glasses. “Also, weren't you the one that busted up a hole through the drumkit?”

You have the shame to look sheepish, flickering your eyes away from his pointed stare. “Uh… Yeah, maybe?”

“Right.”

You pout again. “I had too much sugar, okay? Sometimes I can't control my energy, and sometimes my drums suffer because of it.” 

Riwoo can sense a migraine strutting its way to him; he’ll have to do breathing exercises again if you keep threatening his health like this, and there are not enough ways to inhale and exhale in the world for him to recover from the damage you do. So he pulls himself together, climbs back into his spot at the table, and lets you move to meet his eyes properly. 

“If I say I’ll think about it, will you get back to cleaning the wall?” he asks, drumming the back of his pen on the wood in impatience. 

“Mayhaps,” you reply, but you're smiling when you do it, suddenly in raised spirits. “Will you actually talk back to me and not let me die of boredom all alone over there?” 

Riwoo chews on the thought—considers the pros and cons of saying yes to your request. 

Pros: you do your job, he doesn't have to nag. He doesn't get in trouble by the faculty for enabling your terrible habits. 

Cons: you…you talk a lot. Non-stop. 

“My wrists are sore. I had carpal tunnel once and that was the worst time ever. Swore I'll never get it again, and now look at me.”

And when Riwoo doesn't respond with the empathy you expect him to, you go, “Does the student council also cover medical bills?”

“No.”

“You swore you'd keep me company.”

“I am,” he tosses back. “I'm breathing very loudly so you can use it as white noise while you scrub. Now go on.” 

You huff and puff, but still return to squeezing water into the bucket. Then five minutes after—

“Hmm… I should've used more red on the cherries. Maybe glitter too… Shame that you're making me wipe all of it off…” Then—

“Prez, Prez, why do you wear glasses half the size of your face? Does it not hurt…? But you look nice though, so it's not all that bad.” 

And—

“Have you ever wondered what would happen if babies came in adult sizes? Like, imagine a giant baby in your house, just crawling around,” you're rambling as you lay on your back on the floor, cloth abandoned somewhere to the side, hair coming loose out of your ponytail and fingers stretched to the ceiling as though any further and you could touch it. Evidently, you have made no actual progress. “You’d need a giant cradle. And a giant milk bottle. Oh! And giant diapers, woah…”

Riwoo’s pulse has been climbing with every word you say, effectively building up into a mini explosion in his brain. It's been a slow tick of time while you talked yourself through nonsense, getting distracted with the task at hand with every pressing minute. He tried to reel you back in with his tuts and coughs, but it took a simple turn of his head away from you for you to give up and dramatically throw yourself onto the ground.

It's like he's taken away your life's purpose—of breaking every rule in the book and dragging him through mud along with it.

Also, turns out—and he should have expected this, really—you suck at sticking to a chore. So much so in fact that you do anything not to do what you were told to. 

It's leaking shadows into the room, sun well below the horizon, when you trudge back from your momentary break with a mop in tow. 

He presses his cheek into his palm when he asks, even though he knows without needing to. “What are you doing now?”

“Floor’s all dirty. I'm mopping.”

Of course you are. “You didn't finish the walls yet.”

“I'll get to it after the floors, duh.”

You don't. In fact, you don't even finish the moping before you've moved onto your next activity. First it's brushing cobwebs out of the dusty corners of the window, then you try to budge the window-panes open with no luck before giving up entirely, then you sit there with a pair of scissors you'd found from god-knows-where, snipping up old test papers out of your backpack for no reason at all other than wasting time. Once you've run out of things to cut up, Riwoo sees the way you eye his ledger and has to lunge to move it out of your dangerous reach. 

He's beginning to wonder if the duties of a school council president involved babysitting too…

And right when he thinks you've given up, when you're trailing the minute hand on the clock while wringing out the washcloth, while he's marking up the last bit of his work, while he's distracted just the slightest…

You pounce for your bag and book it for the hills out the door.

…

Riwoo doesn't know what's just happened. You were here at first, and then you're gone with the wind, like some metahuman speedster keyed up on high-functioning steroids, you've just…

Vanished. 

He picks up his pen off the desk first, then his mind off the floor, before realising that he should follow you and drag you back before you’ve completely evaded the responsibility he's placed upon your shoulders. 

Riwoo sighs deeply before sprinting after the direction you left, trying to not let the creepy hallways scare him into cowering, discreetly muttering consolations to himself when the broken lightbulb blinks once before dying, somehow trudging through a hellish field of weeds until he sees a figure throwing something over the back fence of the school’s perimeter.

A ghost, he thinks at first, but then he hears the signature jangle of the keyrings on your book-bag clattering to the ground and he knows it's no ghost.

It's just the devil incarnate, apparently.

“Y/N! Get back in there now!” he shouts through cupped hands, lungs burning from the run. But you're already stepping on top of one of the empty flower pots and trying to reach for the tall fence, determined to jump over. Riwoo acts fast, albeit exhausted, scurrying through dirt and moss until he's looking right up at you.

“Just a little more—” You're muttering to yourself, elbows propped up on the ledge as you try to push higher. But you make the mistake of looking down and almost die from the shock. 

Your grip loosens, and down you come tumbling, straight into Riwoo's arms.

Or at least you would have…

Had it not been for his terrible reflexes and weariness from having overworked himself the whole week. His hands are just too stiff to reach out, okay? Maybe that's why he's fallen onto his back, in a terrible imitation of the mishap from before in the classroom, and you're there, caging him with both your arms on either sides of his neck, hair a curtain around his face.

And Riwoo—he processes it slowly, eyes flickering from your widened eyes, then to the slope of your nose, and then to your parted lips, a millimetre away…

Badump. 

“I—” you begin, and he gulps just for the sake of needing something to do. This is weird—but not bad weird. Just…so new. 

Okay, that's a lie. He knows the way his heart jumps out of his ribs is not dissimilar to all the times when you've invaded his personal space with zero account for his well-being—for the heat on his neck and the butterflies in his stomach. For the way he’s always on high alert when you're near, an inbuilt radar in his brain for your misbehaviours. 

You are so close. And he is so doomed. 

“Y/N…” he says, mouth moving on its own accord, the badump badump badump growing wings in his chest, threatening to take flight and melt into the pulse between the two of you, in the slowly thinning gap between your lips. 

His fingers twitch where they lay stuck between your bodies, but he doubts he could have reached out even if it weren't. Because the way you look at him, moonlight reflected in the pools of your eyes, the tip of your nose almost grazing his own skin. And then—

You reach out first, gaze going from surprised to crinkled warmth, a hand lightly brushing over the plane of his cheek. He feels it move to place his glasses back onto his nose—and only now does he realises that it had come sliding off when he'd stumbled on his feet before. 

“There,” you whisper, and he's never heard you speak anywhere close to this softly. “It’s perfect again now.”

He is an idiot and his mouth is a traitor, because it goes on to ask, in an undeniably gentle voice— “Perfect?” 

“Hmm… Wait, not quite.” Then you adjust them so that it's not skewed to the right anymore, brushing back the strands that fall over his forehead and scorching every exposed part of him in bright red. And before he can count to ten and calm himself down, you dip lower and something plush meets his skin. 

Your lips. Soft and lovely and pressed against his cheek, right below the mole under his eye. 

The heat is gone as soon as it comes, when you lean back to take your weight off of him and stand up, so quickly he barely registers or remembers anything that's happened in the past 24 hours. There was a wall involved, he thinks. 

He's still splayed out on the dirty ground, dazed out of his mind, when he sees you shoot a dazzling smile of victory down at him before jumping up to grasp the fence-ledge again, calculating momentum—this time, successful in leaping over the boundary. 

It happens in slo-mo in Riwoo’s vision, a blinding halo around your silhouette, a choir of cherubs singing down from the suddenly sunny skies. He thinks he sees rose petals cascading down, and also a pair of wings on your back. 

Either you were a real-life angel—or he'd hit his head a little too hard during that fall.

Or…

Or he was simply beyond the point of going back on these feelings starting to sprout inside him when he looks at you. 

It's only after he hears your feet landing on a crunch of dried leaves that he manages to regain balance and sanity.

“That's a demerit!” he manages to squeak out in a yell—but both you and him know that he's not going to get you in trouble. 

Not when his cheek is still singed with the burn of your kiss. And certainly not when he’s considering keeping the mural up just to have an excuse to get you alone again.

Riwoo is so doomed.

a/n: again again happy birthday to my unofficial official child, i hope you have an awesome day ahead!!! everyone go wish the coolest 14 year old alive and give them all the love at @beomtomie !!!!

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—

and he is sinking. he can feel it, in the depths of his soul and the marrow of his bones. he can feel the grief leaking in through the cracked walls of his heart, haphazardly put back together after shattering at the loss of you, his soulmate.

and the worst part, james knows, is that you aren’t there to see your shadows, together, dancing on the wall as the last dregs of daylight filter in through the blinds.

he can’t hug you when you’ve had a bad day anymore. he can’t kiss your forehead when you’re sick, he can’t make you breakfast in the morning, he can’t drive you to work when you’re running late, he can’t try and convince you to skip work and stay in with him anymore.

and when he lets the grief pour in, just for a moment, he catches himself mourning what could have been.

fourth of july ; sufjan stevens

sanghyeok watches you with a curious look in his eyes as you approach. you give him a small smile, and he smiles back, the corners of his pointed eyes crinkling slightly.

“sanghyeok,” you grandmother gestures towards you, “this is my granddaughter, y/n. y/n, this is sanghyeok. he works in my shop, has been for a few years.” 

oh. 

no wonder they seem so close.

“it’s nice to meet you.” you hold out your hand, and he takes it, giving you a handshake.

“it’s nice to meet you too.”

his palm is a bit rough against your own, and you can feel tiny nicks and cuts from what you assume must be flower thorns. you glance over at your grandma, who’s looking at the both of you with happiness in her eyes.

well.

maybe you weren’t worried about what would happen this summer after all.

my upcoming summer fic !! (please pray for me...)

you’re out with sungho during a surface run. it’s nothing too out of the ordinary - a quick run because the pantry is growing worryingly empty and riwoo’s on the edge again and leehan has been gone for a few hours already. you had cornered a wild boar into a dilapidated tunnel - but it had lunged at you with a ferocity that comes with owning the city. you froze - something you weren’t exactly proud of.

but sungho didn’t.

he moved with such composure and assuredness you didn’t truly process it until it was over. sungho had click back his rifle and wiped his hands clean on his jacket, looking at you with the simplicity that came with something like filling up a glass of water rather than shooting a bullet in between the eyes of a boar.

“are you okay?” he asked softly.

“fine,” you stuttered.

sungho acted akin to a domesticated cat, but he had that instinct underneath anyways - that human desire to stay alive, no matter what it took. he didn’t even flinch at the creatures with human faces either - the ones that had the wrong shape and limped at you. sungho puts them down clean and doesn’t lose sleep over it. they’re gone anyways, he said, wiping down his rifle with a rag, we’re doing them a kindness.

you toss and turn at night, trying your best not to rouse the other members curled up in their kots.

“can’t sleep?” he towers over your makeshift bed like a statue, the faint glow of the light casting his shadow over you as his hair falls into his face. he casts a look at woonhak, who is curled up next to your head, inches from falling off the edge of his mattress.

“i’m too old for bedtime stories,” you whisper, scooting up until you’re sitting up against the wall. he sits down anyways, and you curl into him, his arm coming up to wrap around you.

he tells you them anyways, his voice quiet so he doesn’t wake up woonhak who is snoring away beside the two of you.

“sungho.”

“mm?”

“we’re not going to sleep, are we?”

he looks down at you.

“do you want to?”

you look him in the eyes.

“no, not really.”

then you kiss him, unhurried like you have all the time in the world.

his hand moves to your jaw, and the bunker around you disappears completely.

when you break for air, he nudges his forehead against your’s, mumbling against your lips.

“since you don’t intend on sleeping, why don’t we do something fun? you’ll have to be quiet, though.”

#리우 RIWOO

the thing about riwoo is that he’s actually funny.

it’s like his brain never switches off - he jumps at any opportunity to crack jokes and entertain you. if this was before, he’d probably have an audience of thousands - but he’s stuck doing stand-up for seven people in a reinforced basement and they love him for it possibly more than any crowd ever could.

for a brief moment, when he comments on woonhak’s stumbling of words or make noises nobody expects, it feels normal - your concrete home turns momentarily human with riwoo in the center.

chef riwoo claims the makeshift kitchen as his own. its a poor excuse of one - a few stacked cardboard boxes and rusted tins. riwoo makes do with what you have, which isn’t a lot to begin with. he’ll spend an hour on a can of beans, coaxing them into something that tastes like deliberation. he’ll somehow scrounge up a bundle of sad, dried herbs from behind a shelf and savour them like how a sommelier might with wine. a sprinkle of rosemary, he says, deadly serious, even though it smells like nothing to you. he’ll serve you it on a platter, paired with our evening crackers. you’ve realised he likes to watch while you eat, a set line in his forehead until you take that first bite of food and smile.

the other thing about riwoo is that he doesn’t like it here.

you realised when, two months in, he cheerfully gestured to the bare walls and laughed. it’s like summer camp! he says lightly, and we’re all dorms mates. isn’t this basically just a very underground camp? leehan played along, laughing, and riwoo’s face had a flash of something that looked like relief.

he doesn’t talk about outside, even though he’s probably old enough to remember something like sungho. he reroutes any conversation that edges in that direction with a precison of a surgeon with a scalpel. he hums loudly when jaehyun tries to walk through logistics, and when sungho starts talking about skyscrapers he pointedly gets up and walks away, or produces a story wholly unrelated, usually involving himself in some comedic situation, and usually very successful in changing the subject.

you catch him one day, standing in front of his corner, not moving - his face doing something it rarely does - stock still and serious.

he clocked you in about two seconds and the smile came back up like a blind snapping shut.

“oh, good. it’s just you,” he says, “we’re… running low on some stuff.”

you cast a look at the empty shelf, pitiful with just a few cans of who-knows-what.

“hey,” you say, stepping closer and taking his hand.

he looks at it, and then drops his forehead onto your shoulder, like how a tree branch might fall under it’s own weight. your arms naturally come back up, encircling around him.

“i don’t know what to do,” his voice is muffled against your skin.

“it’s okay.”

“it’s not -”

“it’s fine.”

he’s quiet for a long time, simply breathing in your space. when you pull back he flinches, but he doesn’t run. the edges of his eyes are rimmed red, but when you lean back in he doesn’t turn away.

you give him a chaste kiss on the lips, his eyes fluttering shut at the sensation.

when they open back up, he has a smile on his face again - not the one from earlier, but something more gentle and tender.

“chef riwoo -” he says, pulling back, “- is going to need a minute.”

“take all the time you need.”

#명재현 MYUNG JAEHYUN

jaehyun’s natural inclination to leadership is both a blessing and a curse, and jaehyun carries it with grace - and that’s the most terrifying part. he doesn’t look tired, he doesn’t crack under the pressure, he holds it together with an air of practice that scares you.

he’s good at it, being a leader. he’s so good at it he might be the best in the world - and since the world is so small right now, that phrase might actually be true.

jaehyun authority is embodied in his maps - the ones spread across the rickety table in one corner of the room. it’s littered with his handwriting, covered in symbols and dots only he can decipher and you try to understand. you sit with him while he thumbs at the edge, constantly reworking, rewriting, redrawing - trying to make sense of a world that is constantly shifting and is far too threatening.

he used to bury his head in his arms and sleep directly over the maps, almost like if he could splay out on the map he could control the world that lays under his fingertips. then you’d come over, place a hand on his back as he shuts his eyes, then, fifteen minutes later, he’d pull himself back together and sit up again.

“i’m glad you’re here,” he whispers one night, when everyone is asleep and your shadow casts your figure across his maps, “you’re the only one who understands me.”

you find his hands under the table and he brings them to his lips, kissing them like how a knight would to his grace. then he intertwines your fingers and turns back to his map, picking up his pen. romance blossoms under the dim light of a lamp that’s running out of time.

“you’re rerouting,” you point out quietly.

“i need you to be safe,” he squeezes your palm, “i - i…”

“i know,” you say softly, “it’s okay.”

he doesn’t look at you, his eyes still downcast as he draws an assertive line across the green.

“you need to drink,” you push the cup towards him.

“later.”

“now.”

he frowns at you but acquiesces, pulling the cup towards him. eventually it becomes half empty, and eventually jaehyun picks up his pen again.

you cup his cheeks and turn him towards you.

“tell me.”

“the east route -” he falters, “it’s… worst than i thought.”

“how bad?”

jaehyun stops, “i don’t know.”

you can tell by the scrunch in his nose that he hates himself for saying it. he’s supposed to be the one who always knows, the one who understands, the one who has a plan.

he not supposed to not know. he can’t afford to.

you run your thumb across his cheek and he leans into it, his eyes fluttering shut in the warmth.

“we’ll figure it out.”

“you don’t know that.”

“no,” you press your forehead against his, “but i know you will.”

jaehyun’s eyes blink open, and he shifts, ever so slightly, so his lips graze against the palm of your hand. he stays there for an exhale, then two, and three, and then he finds it in himself to pick up the pen again.

maknae line later

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.⋆ ༘ - always notices and helps when you’re anxious. he has a knack for sensing when theres a situation that’ll make you want to curl in on yourself. he’ll see you pick at your nails or fidget with a loose thread on your top and slide his palm into yours. you feel three reassuring squeezes to let you know he’s there for you, maybe even keeping you a little closer to his side. other times, he watches as your leg shakes below you restlessly and sets his hand against your knee, swiping easy circles with his thumb to ground you. sungho’s picked up on your habits before you even realize you do them, doing his best to avoid anything that would make you feel worse. he’ll carry some earbuds on him or keep a sweater that smells like him in his car, “just in case.” you tease him for it but are ultimately grateful he’d even think of going out of his way like this. and if all else fails, he is more than okay with taking the time to break you away from the crowded noises, or even leave altogether if need be. he’s never made you feel like a burden for something you can’t control, always reassuring you that it’s his job to keep you happy and comfortable. besides, he has more fun when there’s a smile on your face anyway.

.⋆ ༘ - loves treating you like the passenger princess you are. seat heater on, drink in the cup holder, a blanket if you’re still cold, and obviously you’re on aux. he’s an absolute gentleman when it comes to escorting his girlfriend around, because why should you have to drive yourself around when he’s there? he opens the door for you and kisses your cheek before closing it. the seat is adjusted to the perfect setting for your comfort and hasn’t been changed since he set it ages ago. he’s always happy and proud to drive you wherever you need; your work, the store, out with friends, with no complaints as long as you’re back in his car on the way home. he’s never had a reason to doubt or question your whereabouts, sungho is just naturally a protective person when it comes to you, so it eases his mind to know you’re safe with him by your side. his only ask is that you’re holding his hand the entire drive.

.⋆ ༘ - he loves to cook with you. fortunately, he isn’t the “gtfo of the kitchen while i cook.” type of person, so he has you sitting pretty on the counter while he prepares a meal. he likes when you help cut veggies or prep the side dishes while he works on the main ingredients and seasonings, watching as everything comes together just like it should. he’ll hold a steady hand under your chin while he spoon feeds you a bite to taste for flavor, smiling at how your face lights up when it’s good. but of course it’s good, he has your preferences memorized. sungho even keeps a list of foods he knows you like and peruses the supermarket with a guiding hand on your back to make sure they end up in your dinner that week. you think it’s a little corny when he talks about teamwork but he’s right, the food always ends up coming out tastier when you help each other.

.⋆ ༘ - is always holding your bag(s) for you while you’re out. he really doesn’t let you hold anything while you’re out, claiming it’s his responsibility as your boyfriend to make sure your hands are free. in his mind, the only thing you should be carrying around is his wallet and a sweet treat. it’s a struggle to convince him to let you hold something yourself. no matter the amount or how heavy your bags are, he’s carrying them without breaking a sweat and still holding your hand. “that’s what i work out for,” he says, encouraging you to buy even more. and if you’re out on a date? good luck. the only way he’ll begrudgingly agree to let you hold your own bag is if you argue that it goes with your outfit. otherwise he’s slinging it over his shoulder with an arm around you and walking down the street with pride. (plus it makes him look cunt !!)

⤷ ゛riwoo ˎˊ˗

.⋆ ༘ - always gives you the first bite of whatever he’s eating. not only is it important that he keeps you fed, but seeing your expression when something is really good makes it all worth it. especially with desserts; he’ll lift his fork to your mouth and insist you try it first, even if it’s his favorite. he doesn’t even think about trying it himself before asking “is it good?” in a tone even sweeter than the cake. it goes without saying that whatever he’s eating, you should be the first to appreciate its flavor. riwoo’s started to form a new habit of basing his tastes off of yours because of how you describe each bite you take, it gives him a greater appreciation for foods he’s never thought much about. if you try to feed him the second bite, he all of a sudden grows shy and turns his head with flushed ears after eating off of your fork.

.⋆ ༘ - cannot stay away from you for long after a fight. it’s not too often you guys have disagreements. but when you do, you typically like to take some space for yourself. your boyfriend, on the other hand, does not. of course he’ll respect your decision and let you have a breather to collect your thoughts. but not even 20 minutes go by before he’s knocking on your door to make up. he swears he’s not an overthinker but just the thought of upsetting you over something silly makes his heart ache. so he’s quick to get back on your good side. riwoo’s very patient and understanding when hearing your opinions, admitting when he’s wrong and agreeing when you’re right. but you’ve been away from him for too long and he knows how to get through to you with that charmingly cute face of his. there’s something in his expression that makes you realize this argument wasn’t worth seeing his lips downturned. and even if you continue to give yourself alone time, he’ll wait patiently by your door until you’re ready to talk and invite him into your arms again.

.⋆ ༘ - matching nails is like his love language. he’ll notice you staring at his hands a little more than usual and offer to do your nails to match his (not before teasing you a bit, of course). his hands work steadily, putting all his concentration on every little detail to make the design as cute as possible. once he says he’s done, the fond grin on your face at the reveal brings him a joy that’s unmatched by anything else. he’s even gone as far as to schedule nail appointments for when there’s an aesthetic you both love and would like to get done. the nail techs coo in adoration when they realize you’re matching and hope to see you both again. and of course, when you’re both walking out and gleaming with excitement, you know you’ll end up seeing candid pictures of your hands across your boyfriend’s social media. you holding a cup of coffee, his fingers laced with yours, even just resting on the couch. riwoo is just so happy to show off how beautiful your matching accessories are.

.⋆ ༘ - side quest final boss. you two go everywhere with each other no matter the situation. oh you have a package to ship? he’ll join you at the post office. craving that ice cream from across town? he’s slipping his coat on before you finish that sentence. he enjoys the spur of the moment ideas you can come up with throughout the day too. like if your local arcade is having a discount on play tokens or a new line of plushie blind boxes at a store, you both wordlessly decide that you’re going. as your partner (in crime), he’s made it his mission to keep you on your toes. so he also just..shows up at your door on multiple occasions to drag you out of the house for whatever adventure he’s decided to take you on. many of your dates and outings have sprouted from the simple phrase of “hey, do you wanna —” because you two are just joint at the hip now!

.⋆ ༘ - you guys have way too many inside jokes. ever since you started dating, the back and forth of making jokes has been a constant between you two. you’ve since made a handful of on-going jokes that you’ll bring up from time to time that have weaved themselves into your relationship. he can’t even make eye contact with you for a while after either, otherwise he starts laughing all over again. the moment will pass when you’ve calmed down but you can still hear him giggling quietly every now and then. it’s impossible to get the two of you to be quiet when you’re in a group setting because you’re going back and forth making references no one understands. “riwoo, look…it’s a.. banana…” and then you’re both giggling. even just the tone in which you say something creates a pattern in your jokes. in his mind, there’s always something to giggle about. he has single-handedly brought so much whimsy into your life and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

.⋆ ༘ - always remembers to buy you flowers. every week or so when he realizes the last bouquet is wilting, he walks over to the flower shop and gets you a new one. the owner recognizes him by now and thinks it’s so sweet how he speaks of you with the sweetest smile and faint blush. he shows up to your door with the bouquet and sweet little treat in hand, ready to watch them bring new life to your home. he has your favorite flower memorized and always includes them in every bundle. they’re never the same either. always a different color scheme or a different arrangement of flowers, to change things up a bit. of course, he keeps a flower to himself in his room as a reminder of both your presence and your love. and in the months leading up to your anniversary, he gathers the dried petals and presses them in a small picture frame to surround a picture you had taken on your last date. you recognize each petal from every bouquet, realizing he had planned this from the start.

⤷ ゛jaehyun ˎˊ˗

.⋆ ༘ - gives you the most loving, heart melting smile ever. the look in his eyes is so warm and genuine, especially when you tell him you love him. his ears flush and his eyes turn into adorable crescents before he says he loves you more. he’s just so mesmerized by you doing anything that a cheesy grin spreads on his face before he realizes. watching you be so kind to the world just melts his heart and he gets a little emotional thinking about how perfect you are. anyone that talks to him knows about you. and they can tell just how whipped he is for you by the dreamy look in his eyes and how he can’t stop smiling. on the days that are harder, you’re the only one to get his spirits back up by making him smile, and all you have to do is.. be you. knowing how much you love and care about him is enough to energize him for weeks.

.⋆ ༘ - his camera roll is filled with more picture and videos of you. you occupy his storage more than anything else. you’re not even sure how he has so many reminders of you on his phone, he’s just always thinking of you. he may not be the best at taking candid pictures, but he captures the raw and real you. when you’re laughing hard enough to fall over, when your favorite song comes on the radio, and he notices that you’re a lot brighter when you’re with him. it makes him happy to see he’s had as much of a positive impact on your life as you have to his. jaehyun doesn’t care how much of his storage you take up, he’s never deleting anything. he keeps pictures, videos, voice memos, even the grocery list you typed in his notes app when your phone was dead. to him, they’re all memories of you that he needs to keep forever, he’ll buy a whole new phone if he has to!!

.⋆ ༘ - is obsessed with kissing you. as in, any chance he gets, he’s pressing his lips onto your skin and pulling you close. working on your laptop? shoulder kiss. brushing your teeth? kiss on your temple. just standing there? big fat smooch. he just thinks you’re too cute and the opportunity is too perfect to pass up. he thinks your face fits just right in his hands and goes in before you can protest. sometimes he gets a little carried away and the two of you end up making out for a lot longer than anticipated, but it’s so hard to resist him. he’ll send you a flying kiss from across the room and you watch as his ears go red when you return the favor. one time, you forgot how pigmented your lipstick was and kissed him on the cheek before a date. that man refused to wipe it off and wore it out on the town with so much pride. he’s actually asked you to do that before every date because he was obsessed with it. oh, and never forget to kiss him goodbye before either of you leaves for work. he’ll hold a grudge, that doesn’t last that long anyway, and sulk until you kiss him properly.

.⋆ ༘ - he loves being obnoxiously clingy. he will make a show of resting his chin atop of your head or caging you against a fence with a sly smile. he truly doesn’t care if people are staring with a stank-face, he’s happy to be molded to your side like this. as your boyfriend, jaehyun will find any excuse to hold you, which includes clinging to your back while you stand there. he’s definitely a huge fan of pda, excited to be able to show off your relationship when he can. you’ll find his arm draped around your shoulder and twirling your hair around his fingers absentmindedly. soon, it’ll drag down and linger around your waist as if ready to pull you in at any moment. and when that moment comes, he presses a big smooch on the crown of your head with a wide grin. you know he means well and doesn’t mean to embarrass you but that won’t stop him from at least squeezing your hand as a small ‘i love you’.

.⋆ ༘ - really good at comforting you and calming you down after a rough day. he can tell you’re not feeling your best right when you walk through the door. your bag quickly thuds on the ground and he can tell you’re dragging your feet. and once he sees that drained expression on your face and it’s almost like he’s more upset about whatever happened than you are. jaehyun pulls you in, cooing about how he’ll make you feel better as he kisses your cheeks. his hand is warm and solid as he runs it up and down your back, the pads of his fingers brushing against your spine. his other arm holds you close to remind you he isn’t going anywhere. he’ll always offer to let you rant it out and is a great listener; he knows what it’s like to keep these feelings to himself. he knows the importance of not only voicing these feelings but also giving them time to pass and process through your system. you work through it together and watching you regain your spark only gives him more motivation to work harder for the both of you. and even if this streak of poor days continues, you’ll always have your number one supporter waiting at home for you to get you through it all.

.⋆ ༘ - your family loves him and he loves them just as much. as expected, jaehyun is nervous to meet your family at a gathering. he needs to make a good first impression, to prove he’s worthy of standing beside someone as lovely as you. he knocks on the door, anxiously waiting for the door to swing open. but instead of a stoic man, his gaze drops to a smaller, much more energetic child. he lowers his guard almost immediately as he crouches down, noticing your cousins shirt. “i love that show!! is that your favorite character?” and he blends right in, safe to say he’s a fan favorite. your aunts will tease, saying they realize why you like him so much. he’s respectful towards your elders yet caring and lively with your siblings and cousins. they treat him as one of their own and he gets shy when they mention how often you talk about him. it melts your heart to see him get along with everyone despite being so nervous. he’s beaming by the time you two leave, his heart warm with how openly he was accepted by the people who made you who you are today. your grandparents send him home with food and he is elated when he realizes this means he’s officially apart of the family.

⤷ ゛taesan ˎˊ˗

.⋆ ༘ - he will not have a good nights sleep if you’re not in his arms. it’s like his body doesn’t know what to do with itself unless you’re there. he’s tossing and turning in bed trying to get into a comfortable position, even if he already knows it’s no use if you’re not beside him. he has some sort of sixth sense for when you’ve moved out of his arms in your sleep. he wakes up, already pouting despite being disoriented, and pulls you back into his chest before falling right back asleep. and if he’s feeling extra dramatic? he’ll throw his leg over you “for good measure,” he mumbles. the nights you’re away are always difficult. he’ll sleep in the hoodie you sprayed your perfume onto and it normally helps but it still isn’t you. his members aren’t sure whether to be amused or scared at this change since he’s a little snappier in the mornings without you. he’s a bit embarrassed he can’t sleep alone comfortably anymore but he uses it as an excuse for you to stay at his place more often (and to move in sooner..)

.⋆ ༘ - does the cliche of sharing an earbud with you in public. some may say it’s cheesy but it’s just another reason to keep you by his side. at the beginning of the relationship when he was a bit quieter and more shy, he made you a playlist of songs that reminded him of you or ones you’ve mentioned you liked. the blush that crept up his neck when he showed you was adorable and you both still add to the playlist. so if the two of you are standing in a long line or taking the train home, he pulls out an earbud and offers it to you. he holds you closer if you fall asleep on his shoulder, staring at your face a little too hard when a favorite song comes on. other times, he’ll put a random album on the queue and you both rank the songs in his notes app until you arrive at your destination. he’s kept them all and added your favorites from said album into the playlist, with mental notes of your feedback.

.⋆ ༘ - uses pictures of you (and his members) as reaction images/stickers. you’re convinced he hasn’t used a normal emoji in years considering how many he’s collected. there’s an album in his phone just full of pictures of his friends. some are heartwarming and let you see the members through taesan’s eyes, seeing how he’s collected these memories seemingly without them noticing. but most of them are unflattering and dumb. you, however, have your own special album that to you seems so much worse. you when you’re sleeping, eating, working, studying, even zoning out. but to your boyfriend? there’s not a single bad photo in there. he finds some of them funny but mostly uses them because he gets to stare at your face. he has a system with them. jaehyun images are for when something is funny, woonhak for when he disagrees, and sungho for when he’s confused. riwoo and leehan are very versatile so he uses their reaction stickers on the regular. but girlfriend pictures are strictly for when he’s happy, because that’s all he feels around you. he’s also infected you and your messages are full of every sticker he has.

.⋆ ༘ - he will break his nonchalant streak just to see you smile. at first glance, everyone assumes that in public he’d keep to himself and linger quietly by your side. but in reality? he’s incredibly chalant and is conjuring up the most devious plan to embarrass himself, or his friends, to make you laugh. it’s completely unpredictable too, the 1001st possibility fr. he’ll make a dumb joke completely out of nowhere that he knows only you’d understand because he loves the way your face lights up. his reputation is long gone anyway so he thinks being embarrassed for the sake of your amusement is nothing. like a court jester to his queen… partially because you’ve helped him become a more expressive and extroverted person since you got together and he wants to repay you for that. he would fight wars for that smile of yours. #1 aegyo hater but he will change that for you.

.⋆ ༘ - claims to be a night owl but, in reality, can’t stay up past midnight. he’ll insist that you have a movie marathon and pays attention no problem for the first part. but in the middle of the third movie, you notice the clock reading 11:47pm and your boyfriend is laying his head on your lap just a little too still. he shoots up when you question if he’s okay to continue and nods his head, determined to finish and stay up. but to no ones surprise, he’s fast asleep when you come back from the bathroom after the movie at 12:30 sharp. the only times you’ll see him awake in the late hours of the night is when he has a deadline to make or is cooped up in the studio finishing something up. otherwise, his words start to slur and his responses get shorter as the night drags on. he’s definitely gotten better since adjusting to your late night antics, but it doesn’t stop him from clinging to you as the clock ticks closer to the later hours of the night.

.⋆ ༘ - seeing you in his clothes makes his brain short circuit. the first time was when it had started to rain in the middle of your date, and he couldn’t have you soaking your shirt and freezing your skin. so you took shelter under a small awning as he took his sweater off and handed it to you, not thinking much about it. however, it had then clicked that the sweater that’s even baggy on his 6’0 frame would look big on you, and he got noticeably quieter. taesan couldn’t think straight when you had commented that his cologne smelled nice. the effect it has on him is crazy because even months later he’ll have the same giddy reaction when you show up in his clothes. he loves seeing you freshly woken up, hair a mess and brain still catching up to what day it is. he just wants to squeeze you because of how his shirt hangs off of your shoulder and he won’t shut up about “how cute you look,” while smiling at you. but his personal favorite is seeing you wear his clothes when you go out because it’s like showing to people you have a piece of him everywhere. whether you have similar or completely different styles, he thinks whatever outfit you make with his clothes looks better on you than him, and insists you keep it.

⤷ ゛leehan ˎˊ˗

.⋆ ༘ - loves sending you his random thoughts. you’re just the first person he thinks to turn to when he wants to talk. and he talks about everything; a new fact he learned, hypothetical scenarios, something that made him think of you, and of course his endless rhetorical questions. it’ll be nearly 3 in the morning when your phone lights up with his contact asking if you think crabs have eyebrows… i mean, you answer him anyway but not before questioning his concerning sleep habits. however he makes for a pleasant audiobook when you’re bored. he’ll rest beside you and talk about his day, getting excited all over again when he recalls something that reminded him of you. you just adore the way his face lights up when you remember something he’s told you, it makes him feel heard. he gets upset when you’re away from each other though, if he’s across the country and can’t give you live updates because you’re probably asleep. but of course he makes the time and calls when it’s convenient for you both, setting his phone up on his bed while you go over your day with a smile.

.⋆ ༘ - prepares fruit for you two to snack on. because he’s such a light eater, leehan often opts for a bowl of fresh cut fruit throughout the day rather than larger meals. to him, it’s an act of love to prepare fruit for your lover, that alongside peeling shrimp (which he also does, of course.) and so he’s taken it upon himself to make sure your fridge is stocked with produce you’ll both enjoy, that of which is typically gone by the end of the week. he’ll take the time to feed you some pieces if he notices you haven’t eaten much that day or if he thinks you’ll enjoy a little something sweet in the moment. you’ll catch him lounging around the place with a cup of mango and it doesn’t take long for him to guide his fork to your mouth with an offering smile. plus, it’s always a sweet treat to taste the faint, sweet taste of strawberry that lingers on his lips.

.⋆ ༘ - he is always smiling around you. pupils dilated and a soft cheesy grin on his face while he stares at you. leehan is almost always the optimistic and smiley one amongst the group when you go out, but around you? he’s entirely worse. why should he have to look at anyone or anything else when all he needs is right in front of him. absolutely nothing can bring his mood down when you’re beside him. well, only when you tell him you need to go. he definitely has the “no one but my gf matters,” mentality. if he could, he’d spend his whole day just studying your face silently while he sits there smiling. sometimes you think he just wants a kiss, which he graciously accepts, but he’s just that happy to be around you. you’d think you just told him you’re an alien princess here to bless him with how he stares at you like you created the stars. this man has never had a bad day with you around and it shows.

.⋆ ༘ - his morning voice goes crazy. i mean, you already expected such considering how deep and velvety his voice normally is. but hearing him first thing in the morning as he whines about waking up is something else entirely. it’s a shock the first time you hear it. he had called you as soon as he woke up in his hotel room since he had a schedule that day. you thought your phone was tweaking but it was just… him. he questions why you went silent but you just urge him to keep talking, and the laugh he lets out when he realizes why kills you. even now, it makes you shiver when he holds you in bed to whine about how you should stay. a low drawl he presses against your ear, you can hear his pout without even needing to look at him. and he knows the effect it has on you, that’s why he uses it every morning to his advantage and smiles when it works before falling back asleep.

.⋆ ༘ - he gets sulkier than he’d like to admit. he never makes a big deal out of it and that almost hurts your heart more. it’s not a drastic change either, you notice the pout on his lips as he speaks less or the way he doesn't make eye contact and that's when you know he needs your attention. you’ll ask what’s wrong and at first he denies he was even upset. but the feeling of your hand slipping into his brings him back down to earth, back to you. you never push the truth out of him and that’s what he loves. it’s easy to coax him into letting you into his head. you tend to know how to deal with it better than his friends so they’ll call you over with an exasperated giggle. it’s known that he’s a little more sensitive than the others so he’s always grateful when you’re patient with his mood and take the time to care about him. you’ll comfort him with a smile and gently kiss the corner of his mouth, a win-win in his book; a sweet kiss and your attention.

.⋆ ༘ - likes to dry your hair for you after a shower. the bathroom could still be warm with condensation sticking to the mirror, but he thoroughly enjoys being able to help you with a small task. it’s his way of helping you de-stress, especially if he knows how much of a hassle it is for you to tire your arms. your hair products will be ready by the time you’re out and he’s ushering you to sit in front of him. he runs his fingers gently through your hair and brushes out any knots, trying his best not to snag any too hard. he doesn’t mind if your hair is thick or has a mind of its own, leehan’s patience is unmatched and will not be defeated by some hair. he also finds it adorable when you attempt to fight off your drowsiness, only to give in and rest your head against his chest because of how relaxed he’s made you. and when he’s done, he’ll press a kiss to your forehead, scoop you up, and carry you to bed, tucking you in beside him where you belong.

⤷ ゛woonhak ˎˊ˗

.⋆ ༘ - gives you the best princess treatment while you’re on your period. while he doesn’t always have your cycle fully memorized, he definitely recognizes the signs when that time is coming. he knows when to run to the store to restock on pain killers and grab your favorite snacks to surprise you with, the kind gesture easing your pain for a moment. is it because he’s a little scared of you when you’re snappy? maybe, but it’s not like he needs a reason to spoil you. his heart melts at the sight of you when he walks into your room as he comes back from the store. seeing you curled up in the corner of your bed just makes him want to help you feel better. he’ll refill your emotional support water bottle without asking and order the takeout you’ve been craving because it’s your comfort meal. he lets you order him around like your own personal assistant and he’s happy to do it. and sometimes, woonhak gets a little carried away with trying to do things for you that he forgets all you really need is a long nap (and some ibuprofen) to help it go by easier.

.⋆ ༘ - is obsessed with your scent. the smell of your shampoo, your body wash lingering on your skin, and especially your perfume. he caught a whiff of it on your first date and had been obsessed ever since, even restocking it for you when you run out. he’ll smell it off of the hoodie of his you had worn to bed the night before and tuck his face into his sleeve while he works. his members noticed something was up almost immediately because he refused to take his hoodie off in the middle of practice despite it being the middle of summer. he’s also used your shampoo on more than one occasion so he can keep a piece of you with him throughout his day. it’s cute, you think, to find a small travel sized bottle of it sitting in his bag before he travels. and once he comes home, all woonhak wants to do is melt into your embrace and drown in the sweet scent of your perfume that lingers on your skin. and now his favorite part of his bedtime routine is burying his face in your neck and letting your shampoo and body wash flood his senses and lull him to sleep.

.⋆ ༘ - prides himself on being someone you can be yourself around. woonhak has never given you a fake version of himself because he’s never had a reason to, so why should you? he’ll always love every little quirk of yours, no matter how weird or silly you may think it is, because it’s just another thing to admire. he won’t judge you for acting childish because why limit your youth? he won’t look down on you when your emotions get the best of you and you end up crying out of frustration, instead he opens up to let you know he’s a shoulder to cry on. he’s never made you feel weird or out of place for your hobbies/interests because he loves the look in your eyes when you get excited. woonhak will match your energy no matter the situation and you two grow closer each time because of it. he wants you to know he’s someone you can lean on and know there’s no pressure for you to be someone you’re not.

.⋆ ༘ - he still gets shy around you. you could be months, maybe even years into your relationship, and he’s still hiding behind his hands and smiling when you look at him with a warm expression. you’ll tilt your head in confusion and ask why he’s acting like that and all he does is shake his head and claim “it’s not fair you’re looking at me with those eyes” (his words btw), and doesn’t elaborate any further after that. it’s a handful of things, really; how your hair frames your face or the quick twinkle in your eyes when your gaze meets his. even when someone mentions your name, he feels himself getting nervous just thinking about you. his members can tease him all they want because, at the end of the day, he gets you all to himself. he ends up thinking about it way too hard, therefore causing a blush to crawl up his neck quicker than he realizes. he’ll just pull you in close and tuck your face into his shoulder while he composes himself.

.⋆ ༘ - the most over dramatic baby when he’s sick. i’m talking whiny, needy, and congested. normally, woonhak is very independent and always claims he doesn’t need to be babied. but when he’s sick? that man is down for the count and begging you to take care of him. never in the demanding way, though, more so in a dramatic “take me to the garden one final time,” like a victorian child kind of way. the medicine you give him tastes too bitter and he’s embarrassed at how he’s practically losing his voice. he’s sprawled out on the bed under two blankets but complains he’s still hot. says he’s starving but then loses his appetite. but he’s always super grateful when you take the time to nurse him to good health (maybe even gets a little emotional that you care so much.)

.⋆ ༘ - takes up the ENTIRETY of your bed in the mornings. you’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms the night prior, peaceful and comfortable underneath the moonlight. it’s foolish for you to think the morning would be the same, because then you wake up to half of your body dangling off the edge of your bed and woonhak’s leg over yours. the only reason you didn’t end up on the floor is because his hand is still holding yours, a habit he claims only occurs when he’s asleep, but he really can’t sleep well without it. “i can’t help what my body does when i’m asleep!!” is his excuse, and you can’t really stay mad at him when he’s so apologetic. however, this little habit of his does seem to mellow out for a few days once you threaten to make him sleep on the couch…

.⋆ ༘ + mini bonus for iphone users - sends game pigeon games and takes them way too seriously. definitely a pro at basketball, obviously, and hates how good you are at the word games. he may be on a 5 game losing streak on 8 ball but it’s just because he’s going easy on you, he swears!!

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Seven years ago, when the first Kaiju showed up on the shore of San Francisco and the news was plastered onto every billboard across the world, sixteen year old Donghyun turned to his best friend in triumph: “See? I told you aliens are real!”

At first, it seemed like a grotesque miracle. A never seen before huge monster showing up out of nowhere and leaving massive destruction behind. After a while people forgot about it. It happened once and far away, on American soil. Then six months later it happened again in the Philippines. Then it kept happening and so the countdown began.

Now, with you in a Jaeger’s cockpit, Donghyun wishes he had been wrong.

He wishes for a lot of things these days, he’s greedy like that. If not for world peace, for you.

He wishes he hadn’t been so fascinated by these creatures that he had applied to join the Kaiju scientist program right after graduation to become a cryptozoologist with his advanced fish biology knowledge. He wishes you hadn’t followed him to the Busan Shatterdome only to excel at the ranger training. He wishes you had never tested drift compatible with Han Dongmin. He wishes he didn’t have to watch you risk your life out there again and again while he’s safely tucked in the military facility’s laboratory analyzing Kaiju behaviour. He wishes you knew how much you meant to him. 

There it is again, that wrong feeling. The sirens are blaring but he can barely hear them. He just stares out of the glass panel of the lab, watching J-tech engineers running around to get Siren Fury ready for battle. The Jaeger stands 72 meters tall, made of sleek steel, Korea’s only Mark-5 model. It’s as much of a weapon as it is an armour, humanity’s only effective shield against these monsters, but you and your co-pilot always call it her, call it beautiful and Donghyun has to bite his tongue because chances are this metal giant will be your graveyard one day. There’s nothing beautiful about that. But you don’t fear death, not like him. You come face-to-face with it every time a new Kaiju emerges from the breach in the Pacific Ocean and you’re dispatched to fight.

He begged you before your first field mission.

“Please don’t do this,” he grabbed onto your wrist before you could have left the sleeping quarters. You were in his room, laughing at something stupid and meaningless when the speakers blared and you were summoned. Everything stopped being funny then.

“Donghyun–”

He could see something break in your eyes as you glanced behind your shoulder and then back at him. Your pulse thundered under his fingertips. The sound of sirens and footsteps dulled in the background.

“Don’t go,” he pleaded, cold fear grasping him with bony fingers. It was pathetic but he didn’t care. Now that it was happening, he didn’t think he could watch you fight a Kaiju. Simulations were different, you might have aced them all but this was the real thing.

“I haven’t trained for the last three years to give up now. I… we can die on the street during any attack. We don’t know when this will end, if this will end at all. I don’t want to sit around and just wait while people are dying. I want to do something,” you told him back then all determined, your eyes fiery, and he knew it was useless to argue.

He wanted to though, he wanted to ask why did it have to be this? He knows you though, after ten years of friendship, of course he does. He should have seen it coming since the first time you threatened to beat up kids who bullied him for his fish obsession. He knew you would make it since the first time he saw you on the mat, sparring with guys much bigger than you in the Kwoon combat room. You even kept up with Han Dongmin of all people and he came from a military family as expected from PPDC’s new favourite. He knew you were made for this.

“You know what’s the first thing they ask you in ranger training? Whether we would rather die here or in a Jaeger. You know what my answer is,” you added, quieter and put a hand on his to slide it off your wrist.

He let go, his fingers twitching and curling around nothing.

“ I know but… I can’t lose you too,” he whispered, swallowing around the glob in his throat. You had both lost too much when the Southern coastal line was attacked in Year 3 of the resistance. But the fear of losing you was so much more than that.

Still, you looked at him like you understood and you reached for his hand to squeeze it.

“You won’t,” you promised before catching up with your co-pilot yelling at you.

He still feels like he’s losing you, every single time. Even when you come back, he knows you will slip away soon enough. That’s why it hurts to let go even though he has no right to keep you back.

Today, it feels especially like torture. To watch it on the big screen in the Shatterdome as the Category IV Kaiju with its hardened scales, crocodile-like jaw and human-sized teeth tries to bite off Siren Fury’s arm.

The metal monstrum stumbles as the Kaiju drags it further into the water. The close combat seems unfair as the Jaeger’s left arm becomes useless and its right hand cannot seem to get a grip on the Kaiju that has a hard enough shell to not seem affected by the cannonball-sized bullets hitting it. Unfortunately firing a proper missile that might do some damage could also destroy the Jaeger from so close, so Donghyun knows why the fight is dragging out for so long.

“Did they mutate to be bulletproof?” He hears a girl from the K-watch team mutter under their breath and he presses his lips into a firm line. As somebody on the research team he knows exactly how these creatures evolved over time, how they got bigger, faster, smarter. It’s both fascinating and scary to see this fast paced evolution in real time and how Jaeger technology has had to match every new capability. It took six days, three destroyed cities and nuclear missiles to kill the first Kaiju, these days a Category IV takes two or three Jaegers and half an hour. But with the Japanese Midnight Ghost having its Conn-Pod detached from its body, Siren Fury is alone and they are losing.

“Did it rip out the electro blaster?” A girl gasps and Donghyun stands up so abruptly it knocks the chair he sat on over. He can’t just watch this.

He looks up at the communication center’s glass walls and the panicked faces before running out and taking the stairs by two. He’s heaving by the time he falls into the LOCCENT Mission Control room. He sees the Marshal’s eyes snap at him for his rude, unauthorized presence but he will deal with that later.

“Tell them to attack the underside of the neck or in the mouth,” he tells the officer behind the microphone. He doesn’t explain it because there’s no time. He sees the red warnings all over the computer screens, the health levels of the pilots dropping low, the Jaeger’s now disabled functions. It’s life or death at this point.

“What?” The officer blinks, looking up at the Marshal for instructions.

“Donghyun?” Your voice comes from the speaker broken and strained. Donghyun’s heart shatters a bit at the way his name sounds from your lips so differently from the usual teasing tone.

“With a body like that, it should be soft and weak in the neck,” he says firmly, now right into the microphone he has grabbed from the useless LOCCENT officer.

Kaijus might be aliens, they might have an anatomy the human race has never seen on Earth nor can comprehend. But they have flesh and blood – albeit toxic blood – like other mammals. They aren’t bulletproof and most have their gills on their necks to breathe underwater, so it’s as good of a guess as any.

“I sure hope you’re right, Kim, ‘cause we’re going to have to blow off our own arm for that since it’s still munching on us like we’re a chew toy,” Dongmin’s voice comes through the speakers too with its usual arrogance despite the heavy breathing.

“Well, do you have a better idea before it finds our generator too and Siren shuts down in the middle of the Japanese Sea?” You huff and Donghyun feels proud as he watches you and Dongmin work together to direct the right robotic arm’s open weaponized palm right to the base of the Kaiju’s neck.

The sound of the blast echoes in the tensely quiet control room until the monitor showing the Kaiju parameters declares it dead and the lifeless body of the Kaiju falls to the bed of the sea next to the victorious Jaeger.

“We did it,” Donghyun hears you say and he can practically see your smile just because of your voice. Relief washes over him as even the Marshal pats him on the shoulder. It seems like his reprimand has been postponed.

“Reset the clock,” the man says and the Kaiju attack counter restarts just as a beeping sound interrupts the cheers.

Your co-pilot calls your name the same moment Donghyun notices that your chart has a blinding red warning on the top of the screen.

By the time Siren Fury is brought back to the base, Donghyun is positively going crazy. Everybody is telling him that you will be alright but it doesn’t help. He can’t calm down until he sees you safe and sound.

But he sees Dongmin first. He looks haggard but okay, unlike you who has to be whisked away to the hospital wing.

“You!” Donghyun points at him accusingly and Dongmin has the nerve to look around as if he could be talking to anybody else. “You should have paid more attention to her. You shouldn’t have let her–”

“You and I both know there’s no such thing as letting her,” the ranger cuts him off and it only adds oil to the fire burning inside Donghyun because he’s talking big about you, acting like he knows you oh so well, which might be true but it still pisses Donghyun off. He’s supposed to be your best friend.

“Still. She shouldn’t have overexerted herself like that,” he says but it only makes the pilot guy cross his arms, unimpressed.

“Tell that to her yourself, maybe she will listen to you.”

Donghyun pouts because he has no good comeback for that and Dongmin gives him a pointed look.

“Dude…”

“What?” He snaps.

The truth is, Donghyun has never really liked Dongmin. At least not since you were paired with him. Personally, he doesn’t have anything against the guy, he is even kind of relieved that your partner is a capable soldier. But the link co-pilots share is almost more intimate than what lovers have. They see each other’s memories and they are in each other’s minds. From the moment you drifted together, the one who knew you the best was no longer Donghyun. So yeah, maybe it’s the bitter feeling of jealousy eating him up every time he looks at Dongmin, so sue him if he glares.

But Dongmin just shakes his head with a sigh as if the interaction already bored him.

“You were her last thought before she fainted. Just saying in case you want to do something about that,” he says with a tilt of his head and walks away, leaving Donghyun in a state of confusion.

Of course, he has to be by your side when you wake up. He feels your fingers twitch in his hand first, then he notices your eyelashes fluttering. Caught red-handed, he moves to pull away but your fingers curl, hooking into his, holding him back. Those damned words from Dongmin echo in his mind as his gaze meets yours.

“Hey,” your voice sounds a bit scratchy and you look a little sick under the unflattering white light of the infirmary but you’re alive. You will be okay. Now, he can finally believe it.

“Hey,” he breathes out, relieved, and even to his ears it sounds sickeningly fond.

Still, he lets himself stare a bit, at the way your cheeks get a healthier color and your hair falls into your eyes when you turn your head. When you push yourself up to sit – because of course you can’t stay still –, he rushes to help you by arranging the pillows and hands you a glass of water for your parched mouth. He briefly wonders whether he should call for a nurse but you don’t give him a chance.

“You saved us,” you speak up with a smile, a little awed and a lot proud. It makes him ridiculously shy, so he just shrugs it off.

“For once. It’s usually you who does the saving,” he says but there’s a small smile in the corner of his mouth.

“My knight in a white lab coat,” you tease and tug at the overcoat he forgot to take off since he left the lab in a hurry before.

“At your service,” he salutes playfully but your laughs fade into silence soon enough. It’s not heavy or uncomfortable, nothing ever is with you but there’s something building there, in the quiet space between you as his nails dig into his pockets. He wants to ask about what Dongmin’s big mouth said, but he has no idea how to bring it up. Not to mention, he’s afraid of what you would say. What if Dongmin was just pranking him?

“Kim Donghyun… I can see you thinking hard. Your forehead is getting all wrinkly,” you point out as you reach up to smooth out the lines with your thumb. Your fingertips are a little rough against his skin from years of training with the combat staff but he doesn’t mind. He mourns the loss of your touch as soon as your hand falls away. “What are you thinking about?”

“Just something stupid your co-pilot said,” he shrugs, playing it off but you tense nevertheless. So there is something to tell, he notes.

“Oh. What did he say?” You ask and he can tell that you’re aiming for casual while planning Dongmin’s demise in your head. So instead of answering directly, he prods further.

“What were you thinking about before you fainted?”

“Oh… I just realised I don’t want to die with regrets,” you shrug, averting your eyes and if his heart wasn’t doing aerobatics against his ribs, he would laugh at the glare you shoot at the heart monitoring machine by your bedside as it shows gradual increase in your pulse.

“And does that include me? Your regrets?”

Donghyun thinks that if aliens can be real, there must be a universe out there in which you love him back the way he wants. He just hopes it’s this one. He’s greedy like that when it comes to you.

“I can’t believe you’re making me do this here,” you huff and this time, he laughs. He’s not making you do anything, he just asked a question like a coward because you have always been the braver out of the two of them. So when you grab him by the collar and yank him closer, his laughter dies on your lips like a Jaeger shutdown. He needs a system reboot to catch on and kiss you back. He slides a hand behind your neck, his thumb caressing your cheek like he has always wanted to do. It makes you smile against his lips.

“No regrets anymore,” you whisper against the seam of his mouth and pull him in more.

That is, until you’re rudely interrupted.

“Yah, let the patient rest! Youngsters these days…” The nurse clicks her tongue but the roll of her eyes is quite doting as she comes to check on the IV dip by your bed. Donghyun’s ears burn as he listens to you negotiate your early discharge and the nurse advises against kissing, but he can’t help smiling when you shoot him secret looks.

A famous ranger once said that there are things you can’t fight unless you’re in a Jaeger. He called them acts of god. Donghyun isn’t so sure if any god has anything to do with it but he knows for sure that he could never fight his feelings for you, Jaegers or not. He tried and failed and he wouldn’t have it any other way, because if he were to die during the next Kaiju attack he would rather have it happen with no regrets too.

END NOTES. i'm currently writing a longer romcom but apparently my brain was like wait, what about something angstier in the meantime? and here we are.

title is from the ruelle song (although work title was acts of god because of the quote but that sounded too religious)

header pic is from the dangerous mv behind sketch

☆ BOYNEXTDOOR masterlist

💌 askbox

Han Dongmin has always been a force of nature – headstrong, determined, relentless – and in a Jaeger he’s truly unstoppable. At least that’s what he likes to think.

In reality, whenever Siren Fury is dispatched, there’s a chance he won’t make it back. Or at least, not as the same person he used to be.

Jaegers are built to be as indestructible as possible since they are humanity’s only hope against the Kaijus that emerge from the Pacific oceans. They are practically humanoid metal robots as tall as buildings to be able to fight back the dinosaur-size extraterrestrial monsters. Nothing of this size and delicacy can move on its own effectively like a toy car. So after trial and error all working models of Jaegers are built like humans: with a neural network running through their limbs and a control panel acting as their brain. The Conn-Pod needs at least two pilots to work because only one person cannot possibly handle all that without lasting brain damage. When attached to the Jaeger with their Drivesuit’s spinal clamp digging into their back, the pilots’ minds basically become one. That’s the only way proper coordination can work. Like the right and left halves of the brain working together.

Or at least that’s what Dongmin was taught at his Academy classes by J-technicians who never actually drifted with another person or saw what the world looked like through the eyes of a Jaeger. Dongmin is a soldier though, he doesn’t actually care how it works as long as it gets the work done. As long as humanity is winning against these monsters.

So it’s not often that he’s sentimental enough to contemplate the fragility of human life, but now he’s in the middle of the ocean waiting for the pick up team in the damaged Conn-Pod of Siren Fury with his unconscious co-pilot in his arms. The Jaeger’s half arm is in pieces scattered in the water with the remains of a Category IV Kaiju after they blew it off. Later, the Marshal tells him that it will take weeks to fix it up and it makes him feel useless because that means weeks of forced standby.

A Ranger is nothing without their co-pilot or their Jaeger after all.

Dongmin used to hate this fact, this dependance. All his life, there was nothing he couldn’t do alone. He learned early on that in his family’s dictionary there was no such thing as ‘can’t’. Not having the ability to do something was a weakness he couldn’t afford. Not if he wanted to make his father proud.

Three generations of navy soldiers, that was the dream they cradled since he was young. Then the Kaijus came and turned the world as they knew it upside down. So he was one of the first ones to sign up for the newly established Jaeger program in Busan, one of the youngest ones too.  It’s been six years since, two since he finally found a drift compatible partner and now, the girl who was in his head half the time went quiet.

Nevermind. A few hours later she’s up like she merely took an afternoon nap.

Dongmin crosses his arms in front of his chest at the leg of her hospital bed.

“He bought you flowers?” He asks with a grimace as he’s having a staredown with the bowl of water and flora that certainly wasn’t there when they were both brought in for post-mission check ups.

“Aquatic ones! These won’t just die,” his co-pilot glances at the gift dreamily and Dongmin sighs. If he thought it was annoying when she and that Kaiju researcher guy were both pining he might have had to re-evaluate. This could be so much worse now that they finally confessed their undying love for each other or whatever.

“Such a nerd,” he mutters under his breath, unimpressed.

“It’s romantic!” Even bedridden his military partner has energy to argue with him.

Dongmin rolls his eyes and sneakily picks up the honey butter peanut box from her bedside table to pop some into his mouth.

“Whatever. Just try not to think about kissing him when we’re drifting,” he says dryly and dramatically shudders at the thought just for the effect.

“You’re just jealous,” his co-pilot jabs back at him and snatches the snack back from his hand.

“Of you kissing Kim?” Dongmin makes a face and that earns him the pillow thrown at his head.

He knows it wasn’t what she meant but between rigorous training and fighting alien monsters, annoying her is the closest thing he has to normalcy in his life.

It’s a soft sound, somebody clearing their throat, that’s saving her from getting the pillow thrown back at her, hospitalized or not, because when Dongmin sees the presence of a nurse their age, he haphazardly hides the soft material behind his back as if to hide evidence of the childish fight.

“Sorry, I need to check on her vitals,” you say, pulling a clipboard close to your chest and raising your gaze. Soon enough, soft eyes meet his.

Now, this is the part when you should look away shyly, like a blushing, giggling mess. He’s used to that. Girls reacting to his presence like that. And he gets it, Rangers are idolized by the media like stars, they are heroes after all. He has given out autographs and taken selfies with fans who came to congratulate on their victories, so with the way you can’t take your eyes off of him, he thinks that maybe you will ask for one, too.

“Can you–” Ah there it is, just another fan request. He should have brought a pen. “–move aside?”

Wait, what?

“You’re in the way, idiot,” his co-pilot chides and he makes sure to scowl at her before stepping aside, so you can check on the monitor and how much liquid is still in the IV bag.

Embarrassment burns in the pit of his stomach but he doesn’t let it show. He leans against an empty bed, hopefully looking as nonchalant as humanly possible, even as his gaze follows your figure until it disappears down the corridor.

“Is she new?” He blurts out against better judgement but lucky for him his partner is too preoccupied with a text she got most likely from loverboy to notice the weird tone of his voice.

“Who? The nurse? I think so, why?”

Dongmin shrugs like he doesn’t care. Because he doesn’t. It just irks him that you didn’t even spare him a second glance before leaving. He’s not used to being disregarded.

With nothing better to do Dongmin throws himself into Kwoon combat practice. It isn’t like fighting with his co-pilot (not just with words) but she has been advised to not strain herself for at least a while, so he has to suffice with cadets. Not to brag but he can easily take two at a time, three on a good day or if they are really bad. Kwoon is about balance, about connection, it’s more of a dialogue than an actual fight to win but there is no balance if Dongmin is freaking bored with these kids. So he pushes himself more: morning Kwoon sessions, afternoon drift simulations with his co-pilot (if she doesn’t stop thinking about Kim Donghyun’s smile, he will put bleach into her shampoo), strategy discussions with the Marshal and late night gym visits. He watches the numbers climb on the war clock and the J-Techs slowly re-build Siren Fury’s arm while restlessness brews in his stomach.

Then Park Sunghoon visits from the Gangneung Shatterdome and beats his ass on the mat without breaking a sweat. Dongmin grits his teeth as he gets up, leaning more of his weight on the fighting stick.

“What’s with your left side? You rely too much on your right,” the senior Ranger points out calmly while putting the wooden prop away. Dongmin considers lying, saying he just prefers this way, but in the end just sighs.

“Just a bit of a strain, nothing serious,” he shrugs, slowly rolling his left shoulder back, grimacing at the ache seeping into his bones.

“Have it looked at in the infirmary just to be sure,” Sunghoon suggests and grabs his stuff from the floor. Before he leaves, he turns back once with a hint of a smile in the corner of his mouth. “Then find me for a re-match.”

And Dongmin is nothing if not disciplined. It has been drilled into him through military training since childhood, so there he is, at the infirmary. He hasn’t been back since his co-pilot has been discharged but it’s surprisingly empty. Still, it surprises him that the only person at the nurses’ counter is you.

“Oh, are you alone?” He blurts out and it makes him sound stupid when you glance up from the book you’re reading and pointedly look around.

“Do you see anybody else here?”

“I’m just asking. I didn’t know they allow new nurses to be on duty on their own,” he explains his surprise quite poorly if your unimpressed look is anything to go buy. So professional. You really don’t want his signature, huh?

“We don’t really have the luxury to have proper rotations. I guess you know how that is,” you shrug and turn the book upside down, leaving it open on the desk before standing up. He tries to catch what it’s about but the angle is off to read the title properly. You round the counter and point at the examiner table. He takes a seat with a straight back but his eyes are following you. 

You tie your hair back and pull a folder out of a drawer. His check up data most likely. He wonders what they say about him. If that folder catalogues all the injuries he has suffered ever since he joined the Jaeger Academy, if it even contains the result of his psychological evaluation that cleared him stable enough to pilot, if it made him seem like a soldier through and through or just somebody who bled through their teenage years to be here.

You move around with a confidence that newbies don’t have. It makes him want to ask where you came from but you beat him to it.

“So what’s wrong?” You step in front of him after leaving his files on the desk and look up. A hint of jasmine hits him and it has him inhale sharply. With him sitting, you’re pretty much eye level and suddenly he can’t make himself look away. You missed a strand of hair when tying your hair up but you’re too focused to care about it. His fingers itch to brush it back, so he curls them into a fist.

“My left shoulder feels off for a few days now,” he ends up saying. It’s the oversimplified version of the truth but admitting that he overestimated his limits and overworked himself to the point to strain a muscle sounds pathetic. He should have known better.

You don’t say anything, just hum quietly and round the table. When you touch him, thumb pressing lightly into his upper trapezius while the rest of your fingers rest on his shoulder, he tenses up for no reason at all.

“Does this hurt?” You ask, voice coming from much closer.

“No,” Dongmin lies because this much is nothing. He has once showed up to his Academy evaluation with a broken rib and nobody noticed. You hum again, contemplating, then press into the skin near his shoulder blade harder and he nearly blacks out from the sharp pain. “Ah, fuck.”

“Yeah, thought so.” That’s your only comment to his outburst before your hands leave him to rummage through a cabinet. “Take off your top.”

You say it like it’s nothing with your back to him, so you miss how fast his ears redden.

“What?” Dongmin’s voice jumps half an octave, dumbfounded, nearly getting a whiplash from how fast he turns to you, not making any moves to follow instructions. An exasperated sigh escapes you and turning back to look at him,  you put a hand on your hip.

“Do you always ask so many questions? Be glad I didn’t ask you to pull down your pants,” you raise an eyebrow almost challengingly which has him gaping like a fish. He had no idea being a nurse at the Shatterdome includes such duty.

“You do that too?” 

You cross your arms in front of you and deadpan:

“Yes, if some idiot needs a rabies vaccine.”

“Which idiot?” Dongmin is quick to inquire but you just give him a look, so he shuts up. But he would bet that it was Myung Jaehyun. That J-technician is a self-hazard.

“Come on. Shirt off. I need to apply ointment on your back,” you explain and he clears his throat to collect himself.

Right. Get it together, Han Dongmin, don’t act like you haven’t been in the infirmary before.

Dongmin would like to think he’s unaffected. Like totally. Why wouldn’t he be? But the fact that you were unaffected the entire time you had him half-naked on that uncomfortable examination table, fingers gently rubbing something that smelled strongly of peppermint into his skin bothers him more than it should have. Half the girls in the Shatterdome would have liked to be in your place just to ogle, so why do you act like it was nothing?

And yes, he knows that it doesn’t make sense. He’s usually annoyed by the amount of unwanted attention he’s getting. He’s usually busy making sure to keep people at an arm’s length. But now he’s staring up at the grey ceiling from his bunk bed, turning the dog tag of Siren Fury that hangs in his neck between his fingers and can’t sleep. He thinks of your eyes, neutral and never lingering longer than they should, and he couldn’t help but wonder: are you like that, professional and distant, with everybody or do you have something against him personally?

Dongmin kicks the blanket off himself and hauls himself out of bed. He grabs a jacket and his shoes and slips out of the room without waking his roommate. PPDC’s favourite or not, he doesn’t get the luxury of having his own room. Instead he’s roomed with a politician’s son. The Marshal said it’s because they’re the same age and moved to the Shatterdome around the same time but Dongmin has a feeling that it has something to do with how they both have powerful fathers. Commander Han and National Assembly member Lee might not be friends but they are both avid campaigners for the Jaeger Program funding over those useless Anti-Kaiju walls. Chanyoung is a good enough roommate though, he’s quiet but friendly, he knows when not to bother Dongmin.

On nights when Chanyoung can’t sleep, he goes for a swim. On nights when Dongmin can’t, his feet take him to the Kwoon combat room. However, this time around it’s not empty despite the late hour. The boy on the mat is tall and lanky, hasn’t built much muscle yet. He’s practicing hits with the wooden stick but he puts more effort into channeling strength than precision. He doesn’t even notice Dongmin watching from the open door, not until he pushes himself away from the frame and approaches the mat. The younger boy clearly startles and bows with widened eyes, his swift apology cut off by the Ranger:

“Straighten up properly. You put too much of your upper body into the swings. Like this you will tire yourself out before getting any hits,” Dongmin says matter-of-factly as he kicks off his boots and grabs a stick for himself.

When he turns around, the cadet still stands in that awkward position of just having stood up straight after a polite bow like he can’t quite believe he’s seeing an actual Ranger from up close. Dongmin gets it, he used to be starstruck too when he first met senior Rangers but he sure as hell did a much better job at hiding his fascination. This kid is practically vibrating out of his skin and effectively ignoring his previous advice.

Dongmin sighs and lands a soft hit on the boy’s lower back that effectively has him fix his spine.

“I said, straighten up,” he repeats like he’s bored already and nods towards the stick hanging uselessly from the cadet’s hand. “Try to get a point.”

The boy does not manage to get any hits.

Dongmin didn’t actually expect him to. If he managed anyways that would have meant that Dongmin was in a much worse form than he would have liked to admit it despite his healing injury. So the real achievement he wanted to see wasn’t any points but the cadet improving his stance and attacks. And to his credit, the boy tried his best and he has potential. He’s determined and doesn’t give up, not even after the dozenth hit Dongmin gets in lazily without actually straining himself to attack.

“What’s your name, cadet?” He asks when the boy is sprayed out on the floor with sweat dripping down his forehead and neck soaking the collar of his uniform. Dongmin offers him a hand.

“Kim Woonhak, sir,” the cadet rushes to answer while still trying to catch his breath once upright. Dongmin’s mouth pulls into a grimace at the formality that makes him feel much older than he actually is. 

“Just hyung is enough,” he corrects and he swears he sees Woonhak’s eyes sparkle.

“Yes, sir– Hyung!”

Dongmin cracks a smile and adjusts his grip on the stick.

“Again.”

When the next Kaiju emerges from the ocean near Brisbane, two Australian Jaegers are dispatched since they are the closest but it doesn’t change the fact that Dongmin feels useless watching the fight through the monitors hung up in the Shatterdome’s halls. What ifs plague his mind about the defenseless Southern coastline of the country and even though he knows that Kim’s idea saved them from being dragged into the water and being torn apart, rebuilding Siren Fury takes more time than he expected. Jaehyun also told him they might not be able to build a plasma charger in the new arm because funding is low and the component parts are crazy expensive. Most of the money goes into the new Mark-6 Jaeger they are building, hopefully launching next year with brand new pilots. At times like this the PPDC’s priorities boil the Ranger’s blood. Is it really better to have two half-built Jaegers than one proper one?

Later that night, after Jake and Leo defeats the Category III Kaiju, he visits the hangar bay smelling of grease and metal to check on Siren Fury. She stands tall and proud, all sleek steel and battleworn scars. Her left arm is open, wires and rods peeking out showing its half-finished state. Dongmin walks over the elevated walkway to get a closer look but halts as soon as he notices a figure already there. At first he thinks it might be his co-pilot driven by the same restlessness he feels but when he gets closer he recognizes you.

For once you don’t wear your usual nurse uniform and don’t have your hair tightly tied back either. Instead you have sweats and an SNU Med t-shirt on, hair falling into your face. It’s the first time he has seen you look so… casual.

Dongmin has half a mind to slip away like he hasn’t even been there but then his shoes made a squealing sound against the grated metal flooring and you look up straight at him. Whatever excuse he was about to say then freezes on the tip of his tongue when he sees your red-rimmed eyes in the hangar’s dim night light. Oh.

You look away quickly, sniffling as you wipe your face clear of evidence and Dongmin just stands there awkwardly, not knowing what to do with the situation. Should he leave you alone and pretend he saw nothing or offer some kind of comfort even though he’s shit at it? One would think having a girl co-pilot helps navigating situations like this but the Ranger girl has always had Kim Donghyun by her side and Dongmin never had to be the shoulder to cry on. Not to mention, you and him aren’t even close, so it probably would be weird if he suddenly initiated anything… right?

“How is it?” You speak up quietly before he could make up his mind. You don’t look at him, just keep staring ahead but it feels like a permission to stay. Like maybe you would actually appreciate some company.

“What?” Dongmin asks as he lowers himself into a sitting position against the railing in a decent arm’s length distance from you.

“Going out there and fighting in this,” you point at his Jaeger and while your words are emotionless, there’s a strain in your voice that most likely has something to do with why today’s Kaiju attack triggered something in you.

So Dongmin takes your question seriously, gives it a moment to think it over properly, instead of just blurting out the first thing that comes to his mind. Everybody has seen Jaegers on TV, some has seen them in real life but only a handful have ever been in a dispatched one. Dongmin is one of the few but he isn’t sure how to describe the feeling to somebody who has never ever sat in a simulator.

“Like you’re on the top of the world,” he says as he stares at the helmet of the blue-washed Siren Fury, at the Korean flag proudly painted on its side. His voice is tethering on the edge of sounding awed. “Piloting a Jaeger isn’t like piloting a plane. It’s not a separate entity. Once you’re attached, it becomes the extension of your own body. Practically, you, your co-pilot and the Jaeger become one after the drift. It’s hard to explain but suddenly you are more.”

Dongmin’s gaze drops to the robot’s legs. Somewhere on its mechanical ankles there are marks of two scratchy names. Him and his co-pilot carved their names into the steel with a knife after their first successful mission. The J-Tech must have noticed but nobody has ever said a thing.

“Isn’t it scary?” You ask quietly and he isn’t sure what you mean. The drift, the control over something so big or the fight against Kaijus? His answer is the same nevertheless:

“Only if you let it,” he says because he has long gotten used to all that. He has come to terms with the fact that he will probably die young in a Jaeger. He just wants to take as many Kaijus with him as he can. He can’t afford to let fear dictate his life. Nobody should, so he tries to crack a joke: “Otherwise it’s just a hyper realistic video game.”

When a hint of a smile graces your features, he considers it a win even if you don’t say anything.

For the first time, silence settles comfortably between the two of you. You don’t cry anymore and he lets the railing dig into his back more as he relaxes his shoulders. Siren Fury glows under the moonlight shining through the glass dome.

“I think being stuck on land having nothing to do is scarier,” Dongmin admits, quieter than before, his fingers mindlessly following the engraving in the dog tag that hangs from his neck between his pulled up legs.

Who is he if he is not out there fighting? It’s a question he has been turning in his head all day but he would like to think there was nothing in his voice that warranted you to look at him with all doe eyes. He clears his throat as he looks away.

“Why leave Seoul? It’s relatively safe there,” he stumbles to fill the void. It’s only fair if it’s his turn to ask, he justifies, and it seems like a neutral enough question. The assumption is also mostly a guess based on your shirt, but you don’t correct him.

“My younger brother joined the Busan Academy as a cadet. He’s all I have,” you answer simply, like it explains everything and maybe it does. The you followed him here part goes unsaid but it’s clear enough. Dongmin wonders what else you left behind in Seoul other than university.

He also wants to ask what happened with the rest of your family but the intensity you’re staring at the Jaegers towering over you is an answer too, he supposes. Wrong time, wrong place and a Kaiju. Everybody seems to have a story like this these days.

“Are you not… proud of him?” He asks instead. Tentatively because it sounds like you don’t approve of your brother’s decision to join the military, to work for keeping the country safe while you’re also on the frontline even if in a different role. Shatterdomes are built right by the water which makes them the closest targets when a Kaiju attack comes. Everybody risks their life by being there, not just the cadets who might pilot a Jaeger one day.

“I am,” you’re quick to protest but your voice breaks when you continue. “But I don’t want to lose him. Why does it have to be him who plays the hero?”

Dongmin clenches his jaw at the clear concern in your voice and stares out at the sea through the giant windows.

He grew up in a household built on discipline, diligence and loyalty. It has never been a question to him if he will put his life on the line for his country, it was a given. He still remembers the warmth of his father’s palm squeezing his shoulder when he officially became a Ranger and the smile on his mother’s face as she told her friends that her son had defeated Kaijus. He cannot disappoint them.

“Somebody has to do it,” he says.

He has gotten used to it: people expecting him to be that somebody. He was the best of best, they said, if somebody could do it, it would be him. It has always filled him with pride, the trust they put into his abilities and the way they justified the hard work he has put into getting there. But listening to you talking about your brother with such unabashed care, he can’t help but want that. Somebody to care enough to worry about him too. It’s stupid because he’s better off without it and yet, now it keeps plaguing his thoughts.

Thoughts you break easily when you shift until you face him, you knee almost bumping into his side.

“You’re his role model, you know? That’s why he applied here,” you tell him and while it doesn’t sound like you’re blaming him, he feels a pang of guilt anyways. He doesn’t let it hurt though.

“Want an autograph?” He raises his eyebrows and flashes a charming smile at you. At the girl who has every reason to hate him because her brother might die one day because of his influence.

You snort at his silly question regardless and he finds that he doesn’t even mind it, at least you’re smiling. That’s good enough.

Dongmin hisses when the wound stings under running water. The bleeding has stopped already and now he just feels stupid trying to clean up broken glass with his hands. He brings his hurting hand up to his face to inspect the injury. Luckily it’s nothing serious, barely more than a paper cut. He normally ignores such things, because while sure, they’re mildly annoying for a few days when in contact with something, soon enough they’re gone without a trace. But now for some reason his feet take him to the infirmary’s floor, his brain already racking up explanations like how even such a small wound could get infected or affect his job if not taken care of professionally. You don’t ask for any of his excuses when you see him, just have him sit down and treat his cut with careful hands. It takes less than five minutes and he’s out of the infirmary with a plaster on his finger.

The thing is, normally Dongmin doesn’t get injured or sick often. At least not seriously enough to ask for help. No wonder even his co-pilot looks at him weird when after a Kwoon combat session, he’s off to the nurse station to have a freshly reddened bruise looked at. He leaves with a cooling cream in hand. You didn’t even ask him to take his shirt off!

One time he goes as far as pretending to have fever after his skin heats up from blow drying his hair but you just put a cool hand against his forehead and brush his fringe out of his face before dropping a sour candy wrapper into his hands. He’s not sure whether this is more humiliating or when only Mrs Hwang is in and he bolts after she tells him that it’s your day off.

So now he’s at the hangar bay, sitting on a stool too small for his long legs, while Jaehyun is working on his Jaeger’s hand. Dongmin is there to supposedly help, wearing a motion capture glove and bending his fingers every once in a while when the J-Tech guy tells him to, but he mostly just complains about the dissatisfactory health care service he has received lately as in not being able to talk with you properly because you always send him away once he’s treated.

“Dude, if you want her attention so badly, maybe talk to her instead of giving her more work,” Jaehyun advises while checking on the hand sensor settings on his tablet and making some modifications to the sensitivity levels.

“I don’t want–” Dongmin is quick to argue but he bites his tongue when his friend sends him a knowing look. He sighs begrudgingly. “I’m not that desperate.”

He has a reputation to uphold after all. He’s the Jaeger Academy’s best for a reason. The Pan Pacific Defence Corps’s favourite role model to parade for young cadets. Commander Han’s eldest son. He’s not some lovesick male lead from a tv drama.

And yet, somehow, half an hour later he’s back in the infirmary wing because he touched something on the workstation he shouldn’t have and now he has a fresh burn mark on his palm. For once, he feels more embarrassed than sneaky when he walks through the double doors and you look up from your desk. You don’t even seem surprised anymore to see him there.

“You know, for a Ranger, you’re kind of careless,” is the first thing you tell him after he shows you his newest injury.

“Excuse me?” The snarky reaction escapes Dongmin as defensiveness takes over. The callout feels unfair, because no matter what anybody says, he is one hell of a Ranger. He has medals the president awarded him for god’s sake.

You look him in the eye, unwavering, and press a pad of disinfectant against his wound as if to prove a point. Dongmin hisses and deflates like a balloon.

“Oh, that. Right,” he mumbles, casting his eyes down like a child that knows they were in the wrong.

You hold his hand gently while applying the disinfectant properly and spread a thin layer of cream over the burn. He already misses the subtle touch when you let go to get the gauze and wrap it around his palm. When your fingers linger a bit more than necessary after securing the bandage with a plaster, he might have just imagined that.

“You should be more careful,” you tell him belatedly, half scolding, half worried, while sitting down in front of the age-old computer to log his newest visit into his files. Dongmin has to turn his head away to hide his smile.

After that things slowly start to change.

You don’t ignore him anymore when he looks your way in the canteen. The first time he sits down at your table, the girls nearby stare and whisper and giggle not-so-subtly. But at least he gets to talk to you about how his burn is healing and that he managed to beat Park Sunghoon at Kwoon combat the last time they sparred. When you notice he doesn’t eat the eggplant on his plate, you steal it from his tray and give him a piece of chicken instead. He can’t stop smiling behind his can of soda.

During one of his now semi-regular practices with Woonhak, who is slowly growing on him despite his best efforts, you show up and he gets distracted enough for the cadet to easily land a hit straight on his chest. Only when Woonhak waves to you with wide smiles does he understand why you don’t seem surprised at all to see the two of them there. When you and Woonhak get ready to leave, he kind of expects you to tell him to go easy on your brother next time now that you’ve seen him get in several hits but instead, you mouth a thank you towards him. Dongmin watches you ruffle Woonhak’s hair dotingly which makes the younger boy whine with something squishingly soft forming in his chest.

One time he catches you in the gym on the treadmills and challenges you to a race. Unexpectedly you agree and get him the vending machine soda he asks for when he wins without complaining about his unfair advantage. Both of you are sweaty while you’re sitting there with your legs aching, slurping on your drinks, but when Dongmin is glancing your way, you’re smiling.

And then there are the late night meetings in the Jaeger hangar. Sometimes you’re just lying on your back on the catwalk and searching for stars on the pitch black sky through the glass dome. Sometimes you talk about everything and nothing. He gets to know you there slowly.

You like the hangar because your father was a mechanic and the district smell of oil, burning metal and fresh paint reminds you of his garage. Your voice breaks when you tell him that your father was working on the Anti-Kaiju wall that was destroyed by the Category III bringing catastrophe to the Southern shore years ago. He asks about your university days and tells you about the Jaeger Academy and how it wasn’t that different from growing up in a military family. You’re the first one to ask him about what he would do if one day the monsters stopped coming. He doesn’t have an answer, not then, but later, lying in his bed alone, staring at the starless ceiling, he hopes you’re there in a future like that.

"Category IV Kaiju alert! J-Tech, prepare Siren Fury for dispatch! Rangers report to Conn-Pod immediately! I repeat: Category IV Kaiju–”

The sirens are blaring throughout the Shatterdome, waking everybody up at 4AM. Dongmin laces up his boots haphazardly and swings the door open. Down the corridor he sees his co-pilot leave Kim Donghyun’s room.

“Are you ready?” She asks while she’s zipping up her jacket.

“So ready. Let’s kick some Kaiju ass,” Dongmin grins. Finally the restlessness he has felt in the last few weeks has a space to go as they are making their way to the Conn-Pod.

Chanyoung is already at LOCCENT, tracking the Kaiju’s movements on one monitor and checking the Jaeger’s energy levels on the other with other comm officers. When Dongmin puts on the Drivesuit, he hears him in his in-ear.

“I hope you slept well, it’s a really ugly beast.”

“Don’t worry, we will send it right back where it came from,” he says, ever so confident, wincing quietly when the spinal cord is attached. Some say it’s bad luck to celebrate early but Dongmin thinks it boosts morale. Not to mention no Kaiju could take them down before, isn’t that proof enough that it’s warranted? His roommate just wishes him luck, then starts the countdown.

“Initiating drift in 3, 2, 1…”

Dongmin closes his eyes and lets memories flood him. It’s a mix of old and new, his and his co-pilot’s. A Kaiju that has left him shaking, a beach town in ruins, late night practices until his body was sore and useless and still not good enough, Kim Donghyun smiling under the sunset, ice cream smeared on his lips, and your voice echoing in his ears, the sour candy he got from you tasting sweet on his tongue.

“Drift successful, connection stable. Rangers, confirm!” Somebody yells just and he opens his eyes, feeling the familiar presence of a companion in the back of his mind. He turns his head towards his partner who smiles and he already knows what she wants to say even before she opens her mouth.

“That was so cheesy.”

“You’re one to talk,” he rolls his eyes but with no malice and they move their hands at the same time, the Jaeger’s mechanic limb following their movements swiftly.

“Siren Fury is ready for deployment,” he confirms and when the Jumphawks hatch onto the mech’s shoulders to airlift them, he imagines you watching it happen through the big monitor in the hallways. It gives him one more reason to win.

It’s not an easy victory but it feels good. Every landed punch and every plasma hit right on target. After weeks of restlessness, Dongmin finally feels like he’s doing something useful. By the time the Kaiju’s lifeless body collapses into the Japan Sea, he’s sweating, his muscles ache and there’s a beginning of a throbbing headache in his temple. Yet, he feels delirious, the good kind, like he can take on the whole world.

It’s always a bit disorientating when they are back in the Shatterdome and the Conn-Pod is detached from the Jaeger. Suddenly it’s a lot quieter in his mind even though his co-pilot’s thoughts linger for a while like ghost touches.

“Let me guess, you will go for a check-up right away,” she wiggles her brows as she’s getting out of her Drivesuit.

“Shut up and go make out with your boyfriend or something,” Dongmin rolls his eyes instead of reminding her that medical check-ups after an actual drift were important. It would be hypothetical because he used to not care much despite the protocol. It would also be useless because he can already see Donghyun waiting like a puppy behind the Conn-Pod station’s glass doors.

He gives the Kaiju nerd a nod when he walks by him into the LOCCENT and accepts the pats on the back and congratulations from the officers with his usual nonchalance. He doesn’t intend to stay long but before he could escape, the Marshal finds him and tells him about an event they should attend to secure more funding for the Jaeger program. He agrees like a good soldier would because he doesn’t really have a choice anyways, then asks for permission to leave. When granted, he slips away through hidden corridors before anybody else could stop him.

Usually he loves the part when every resident of the Shatterdome gathers to celebrate the new win of humanity. These are the only few times when they get to relax before the next Kaiju appearance. They are allowed to have fun, to drink, to forget that the attacks are getting more and more frequent and the world might be doomed. Dongmin also likes the post-Kaiju fight high, the adrenaline pumping in his veins and the feeling of being invincible. He knows he will crash soon, either with the headache worsening or exhaustion taking over, but for now he feels like he could do anything.

When he opens the door to the infirmary, he catches you pacing from one end to another.

“–would be such a bad idea to–”

You stop when you notice him and another girl jumps off the counter. It’s Minju, Dongmin recognizes her from Donghyun’s lab.

“Uhm, I will go get coffee,” she exclaims abruptly even though there’s clearly a mug half-full of dark liquid on the counter where she just sat. When she passes by Dongmin’s side she shows him thumbs up and offers a “Good job today!” cheerily.

“Thanks,” Dongmin says and waits for you to agree, to comment on his performance, to say anything but when the door is closed behind your friend, you turn your back on him and shuffle back to the computer to pull up his charts. The examination table makes a creaking sound in the silence when Dongmin sits down without having been told. He knows the drill by now.

“How are you feeling?”

When you speak up, it’s in your usual work tone, all professional. He’s a bit disappointed but he refuses to wilt like a flower.

“Good. Just a little headache,” he says and watches you get up to grab a few things.

He knows what comes, he has been in the same situation multiple times just with different nurses. Mrs Hwang who works the alternate shifts is such a mother hen, treating all of them like children. The previous nurse who left before you came was so chatty, always had a new gossip whenever he sat there. He never really craved either of their acknowledgement, but with you he almost feels desperate for it.

“Did you watch us?” He asks when you fasten the blood pressure monitor’s cuff around his arm but you just shush him. He casts his eyes down, sulky, like a scolded child all the while the cuff tightens then loosens and the machine beeps. You jot down his results before stepping closer again. Your fingers are soft on his skin while you slip the medical device off his arm.

You don’t look him in the eye when you eventually answer. “No.”

It has Dongmin reeling. All this time he has thought that everybody was busy following the broadcasts of the Kaiju fights, he thought that you saw him defeat this newest alien monster, that somehow this could maybe appeal to you, but now he’s just confused.

“Why?”

You ignore his question and pick up the penlight instead.

“Follow the light with your eyes,” you tell him and he begrudgingly follows the instructions like a champ. However, when you drop your hand and turn away, he grabs onto your wrist to pull you back. You’re clearly startled as you stumble and have to catch yourself with a hand against his chest to not fall completely onto him.

“Why?” He asks again and there’s something defiant in your eyes when you finally make eye contact with him, your arm flexing under his hold, your fingers curling into his uniform shirt. He has half a mind to let go of you but he’s also relishing in the fact that you haven’t even tried to pull away, that you’re staying close on purpose. He’s basking in your subtle jasmine scent and the warmth of your shaky exhales.

“I don’t like seeing you hurt,” you whisper into the barely there space between the two of you and it ceases the ugly disappointment burning in the pit of Dongmin’s belly.

“I’m fine though,” he insists and swipes his thumb over the inner side of your wrist. It’s supposed to be soothing but when your breath hitches, he can’t help a grin at the reaction he finally got out of you.

“Ranger Han–” You raise your voice and it sounds like he’s in for a reprimand or a warning. He decidedly ignores it.

“Dongmin,” he corrects with a smirk as he tilts his head and continues the caresses on your skin.

For a long moment you just stare at each other as if to see who can take it longer. He can feel his cheeks heat up despite the confident act he puts up and when your gaze drops to his lips, his pulse jumps. There’s a tremble in his fingers when you lean closer and then…

“Noona! Have you seen–” Somebody barrels through the infirmary’s double doors and Dongmin has to hold himself back from dramatically sighing when you step back until your back hits the nurse desk. “Oh, hi, hyung! Oh my god, you were so cool out there!” 

Woonhak is all smiles and pure enthusiasm. He’s also totally oblivious to what he has interrupted. Still, he’s your brother, so Dongmin puts on a smile and answers all the questions Woonhak has about this new Kaiju and their strategy against it. He also promises to give him a tour around Siren Fury’s Conn-Pod one day. You drop a piece of sour candy into his hands before he has to leave.

The next time he ends up in the infirmary, it’s not on purpose and totally not his fault.

He was looking for his co-pilot so they could run a drift simulation but she was hanging out with her boyfriend in the labs. Apparently the K-scientists found something breakthrough regarding the anatomy of the Kaijus but Dongmin was busy checking on the different shades of blue vials labelled synthetic Kaiju blood to really pay attention. Nobody around him wore masks or gloves, so he assumed it was safe enough. That little piece of shiny rock on the petri dish wasn’t even blue, so the last thing he expected when he poked it was for his skin to stain a fluorescent color.

Apparently it was a sample from a beach that got exposed to Kaiju Blue, the deadly toxic agent in the aliens’ blood, and since the team was currently working on how to reverse its destructing effect on nature, they already had an antidote on hands for small exposures. Donghyun quickly had him drink something awfully bitter that stopped the pins and needles feeling slowly spreading in his arm.

Still, it caused quite a bit of fright for everybody present, so his co-pilot dragged him to the infirmary just to be sure he would be okay. You keep it professional while she’s in there explaining what happened but as soon as she leaves, you start scolding him.

“You know very well that Kaiju blood contains toxins. What were you thinking?” You tsk, flashing him a severely disappointed look before getting something from the cabinet. Then suddenly turn back to him and point an accusing finger at him. “You’re officially banned from the labs, got it?”

You don’t even wait for an answer, just keep mumbling something about him being so eager to put his life on the line under your breath while pulling out an IV bag. When you turn back to him, you have a cannula in your hands.

“There’s really no need–” He tries to protest but you cut him off with the authority of someone who has bossed men around all her life.

“Sit back down,” you tell him and Dongmin’s bottom hits the mattress even before his mind can process the words.

He has faced a dozen Kaijus. He has faced death. But apparently nothing scares him as much as you do when you’re mad at him. He has never seen you so agitated, frantic and frustrated. So he bears it without complaint as you put him on IV drip even though when you stab the needle into his arm, he’s pretty sure you do it with more force than necessary.

Even after you make sure the fluid is flowing into his bloodstream properly and that the last remnants of blue discoloring disappeared from his fingers, you’re still hovering over him. It makes him feel bad.

“I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me,” he says, trying to coax you into a more relaxed state.

“Then stop getting hurt!” You shove at his chest but it’s weak because you clearly don’t want to cause him more pain.

Dongmin has the audacity to smile when he catches your hand and pulls you down to sit on the bed. You let him more easily than he expected. You also make no moves to pull your hand away.

“I will try, I promise,” he tries, gentler, rubbing gently your palm.

“You better,” you huff with downturned lips and avoiding his eyes like a sulky cat and Dongmin is awfully endeared. Who knew that he just needed to get exposed to almost deadly chemicals to see this side of you? It makes him want to push his luck.

“What about a get well soon kiss?” He asks playfully and you scowl at him, unimpressed.

“You don’t deserve it.”

He pouts, playing his disappointment up, and you roll your eyes at him. Your hand remains in his though and you don’t move from his infirmary bed, so he’s not complaining.

He can’t tell whether it’s from the IV bag’s contents or the antidote from earlier, but soon his eyelids start getting heavy. Just before he tips over the edge and slips into a dreamless sleep, he feels soft lips against his forehead. He falls asleep with a stupid smile on his face.

Before meeting you, Dongmin used to think that nothing can compare to the feeling of being invincible in a Jaeger. Now, he’s not so sure anymore. You make him feel on top of the world too.

END NOTES. title from the keshi song. header pic from the BEAT High magazine behind cut.

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