Sadie's Sissy Journal

Let me be a little forward.  Tonight (a few hours before I wrote this 4/23/21), i got the call.  My father has passed away.  We’ve been expecting this call for some time now.  He hasn’t always been in the best of health.  It stings, but it’s also a relief.  He’s been miserable for way too long.

What is it about death that causes one to reflect?  I can’t help it.  I must, i guess.  At least to get some feelings out there.  So, here you go.  I attribute much of my girly desires to my father.  He was never a man’s man, but he was never girly either.  I’d say that he was rather average and a good man.  But it was what he did that I attribute much of my girliness to.  He was a tailor–and a damn fine one at that.  He spent probably 50 plus years altering clothes and tailoring suits and dresses.  As a result, I was surrounded by clothing and fashion my entire life.  Add to the fact that my mother was a beautician and I jokingly say that I’ve been fashioned to be starched, pressed, hemmed, and primmed for femininity.  Yes, I know.  A man can know his way around clothing and sewing machines and not be inclined to be feminine.  But there are sons of these men, who while being surrounded by beautiful dresses and feminine finery, can, as in my case, find themselves drawn to want to be beautiful.

So, opportunity?  My father proved to me that it’s okay for a man to do what would be considered by many as a “woman’s job.”  Understand: He was a man who started a career in sewing during the late 60′s in a really small conservative town in the south.  He was first a shoe designer in a factory.  Then, he learned how to do alterations from my grandmother who made suits in a factory.  And that’s what he has been doing ever since.  He almost made it to 80, and right now, there is a pile of prom dresses in my parent’s basement, waiting on someone else to now alter them and prepare them.  He demonstrated that opportunities are not gender inclusive, that I can be who I need to be, that I can embrace something that might seem out of the ordinary–even for my male gender.

I really don’t know where I’ll end up on the spectrum of girliness.  As you know, I have a family and great security without being really open about my girliness.  I don’t regret the life I have.  But I do want to say to you who are younger: seek out your opportunities to be feminine if that’s what your heart says to do.  Push against the stereotypes and be you for you.

Maybe this is as much for me as it is for any of you.  Thank you for letting me spill a few words before you.  Just so we are clear, I have no intentions of ripping my shirt open during the funeral and showing off my red bra as in the Wings episode, but you can be sure that I will be internally grateful that my father has shown me that I can be who I need to be as long as I seek the opportunity for it.

Much love to you, girlies.  Make sure that you tell those you love that you love them.

I’m sorry to hear about your father.  My own died before I came out to my family and I really don’t know what he would have thought.  He worked in a STEM field and over the course of my childhood he nurtured my ability to observe from outside of myself and challenge my own assumptions.  I think it helped me learn to see “outside of the box” or in this case “outside of the closet”.

I've reached the milestone of 3000 friends and supporters on Tumblr. While this may not seem like a lot to those of you with so many more, to me it is certainly worth celebrating. I've blogged for 2.5 years and I've never shied away from the raw truth, reality, and common sense and still, you support me. I won't compromise, I stay true to me, and you're still here. I won't pretend I'm transgender, and I force my concepts of genderfluidity on you, and you stay with me. It's easy to make a blog and fill it with the stuff people want to see and send sweet replies to everyone and just blend in and refrain from boat rocking. You might even get 10k followers. But, my 3000 are not followers. They are my peeps. My friends, my confidantes, my peers. For someone as polarizing as I can be, it's amazing I have a blog at all. To each and every soul who gives a crap about what I might think or do or wear, thank you. You're on my mind today and I appreciate you all. You've helped me send my message and for that, I am eternally grateful. Here it is one more time:

You don't have to be transgender to live as a girl and utilize femininity. You don't have to be gay. You don't have to sacrifice your masculinity. All you have to be is yourself, and then work to make that self into its best version.

What you see on my blog is my joy, my personality, my lifestyle, and my choices. I hope I can continue to inspire you for as long as I have left.

I’m ready to announce that I’m now looking for a Daddy in the Midwest US.  I’m looking for someone who is gentle and not in it just for the sex, but rather the intimate relationship that can only be obtained between a sissy and her Daddy.  I’m looking for a caring, loving individual who is just as interested in the softer side of submission and to develop a bond between ourselves.  I like to think of myself as a pretty sissy princess, and treated like one, while knowing all too well what purpose I serve, just like any good princess would.

Warning....long post ahead 😱

So as I'm writing this, the struggles, the sadness, and the confusion are seeping out of my body faster than the speed of life. I've taken a little bit of a break from social media due to some things that have happened at home as well as with all the things going on in the world. I write this to share mostly the confusion I am going through now but also some of the struggles I've been going through. This will be super random as I can't even keep my thoughts straight. Again I'm not looking for pity or anything like that. I just don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff and need a place to get it off my chest.

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Ok so if your still here thank you and here goes!

I am furloughed from my job, which is ok since it means I am able to be home with my kids. The downside is I haven't hardly had any chance to be me for the last 3 months, from the physical dressing up part to even the mental part. My wife has been working from home as well, so between her being here and three kids under six, I haven't had any chance to do anything. I decided to take a break from social media as it's just really a constant reminder of who I can't be right now. I thought this would help, but it didn't.

I then decided to get Animal Crossing for my Switch. Of course I decided to make an island only Madison would love. I even have some cool trans designed things I've made and decided to try and look as much like me as I could. Well that made things worse as my wife got the same game. She doesn't know the trans flag but kept making comments about how uncomfortable my character made her, from her physical look to the outfits. Add in the fact that two of my kids asked why I was female in game. It's been a mini disaster 😕

So here's the confusion part! Put my life into a pie chart. The wife, kids, house, pool, family, friends, job, and any other of life's great things are in one section of the happiness pie. The other section is all things Madison. Last year this pie was about 85% the wife, kids, etc and the 15% was Madison. This year it's more 65% wife, kids, etc and 35% Madison. I am still yearning to be Madison every day, but with this break and with this time of not being me I am starting to second guess myself. Am I really transgender or some just weirdo? In my heart I know I am trans but my brain is trying to be the enemy. It's telling me why jeopardize the 65% of happiness for the other 35%. I see the writings on the wall, I know what my outcome will be and that 35% happiness will be amazing, but the 65% happiness now turned sadness is going to slowly eat away at me until it may destroy me. My brain is telling me just be happy with what you have, but my heart is telling me something different. Who's right? I've always followed my heart, and that got me my wife and kids who I love more than anything else in this world. So what's a girl to do?

I know I am not explaining this well so if your having a hard time following along I'm sorry.

The other struggle I am having is lack of friends. I have plenty of friends but only a select few that know the real me, and they aren't generally asking me how I am doing on this topic or even bringing it up. I am awful at social media, usually I am just posting selfies to try and boost my esteem. I try to like and comment on other people's posts but so many of the people I follow have no idea who I am, mostly because they have a ton of people they are following so there streams are full and maybe they aren't following me. Some of them do comment back but I just don't know where to go from there sometimes. Also I say this not to be mean or prude, but the friends I am looking for are trans girls going through the same things as me at any stage and cis female friends who can offer guidance on being a woman. A lot of the guys that follow me are either chasers or creepy old guys. Again I have a lot of male friends that aren't either of those and I hope you know who you are. But I am really looking for trans and cis female friends and can't seem to find any.

The other part of this struggle I am having is that I am pre everything and a lot of the girls I admire and follow are past that stage. Some more than others but sometimes it feels like SOME of those girls don't take the time to read a post from someone who is pre everything. I know some of that may be in my head but with everything else going on in there it makes it tough to tell the difference.

Other struggles that continue to plague me are....

Wife saying confusing things ALL THE TIME

The effects on my kids of coming out

My kids accepting me and still loving me

Financial issues of possible divorce

Financial issues of being transgender

Job security

Finding new work if needed

Another big struggle could be me being alone. I've always been someone who enjoys the company of others and being in an intimate relationship. Based on conversations with my wife, it's a pretty safe bet we'd get a divorce. She's not physically attracted to women and if I were to actually go that route that would put a big strain on any chance for the relationship. Hence me being alone. My parents are getting older and a lot of their old age problems are starting to hit both of them. They are divorced and neither of them are with anyone at the moment and they are both struggling. Based on my family history, being alone when I'm older may not be good for my health.

The biggest struggle I'm having though is the thought of hurting my best friend and soul mate. I've waited my whole life for her and I know people online have told me if she leaves she not my soulmate, but I don't believe that for one second. I've already put so much strain on our marriage and to go any further would devastate her. How can you do that to someone you love?

Putting on my Lucy cap, it sounds to me your biggest difficulty is how to come out to your wife.  I'm concerned that if you keep running under high stress that it will get pent up until you make a mistake or snap.  If you don't take control of your life, it's liable to take control of you.

You said that your wife has been sending you confusing signals, but also that she's adamantly against your being a woman.  Have you considered what her anxieties could be in this situation?  Maybe she's afraid that if you become Madison that she'll lose the man that she fell in love with.  She may need reassurance that you'll always be there as "her man", her support and rock when she needs you.  If she feels safe in knowing that Madison isn't a homewrecker, perhaps a compromise can be reached that will satisfy the both of you.

Well my biggest fantasy is something that has been floating around in my head sense I was maybe 14, and this is even before I knew anything about sissys I just new I liked to dress up and I wasn't any good at it. The fantasy isn't even necessarily sexual at all it's the idea of a sissy school. Like a private school just for sissys, they teach various subjects like makeup, how to match women cloths, cooking/cleening/general house wife stuff, and sometime when I think about it it can get more sexual and sometimes it's not at all but I just love the idea.

Being feminine is hard work, even for cis-girls.  It takes dedication and commitment.  I think one of the reasons that “forced feminization” is a popular theme is because many sissies are looking for that extra push, external resolve to compensate for internal anxiety.  A school environment provides immersion but also discipline, not as a fetish to offer sexual gratification but a framework to achieve goals.

Over the years I’ve kept my eyes out for sissy training programs.  The online courses I’ve found to be fetish oriented and cram too much sexual noise between nuggets of lifestyle advice.  One promising establishment based in Toronto offered over-night workshops for sissies and maids but I think is now closed. In the UK there’s the Muir Academy that focuses on offering a boarding school experience (e.g. Hogwarts).  It’s not sissy focused but does offer sessions to crossdressers and has a maid training program, which is what caught my interest.  Unfortunately, the most feasible way of getting the sissy school experience is probably to find a pro-domme willing to do teacher-student roleplay.

The word was for the male desire tor feminine breasts.  I know I’m behind the curve here but this wasn’t something that I had considered before.  I always took transgenderism as a whole, either you are or you aren’t.  It hadn’t occurred to me that it could be broken down into individual parts... or in this case lady parts.

I was never a “breast guy”.  This might be why women have complimented me on looking them in the eye.  Truth is I think a lot of body parts look kind of weird taken by themselves, and breasts are no exception to that.  What I absolutely love about them, though, is how they fill out a dress.  The curvature of breasts is an unmistakable part of the female silhouette.

Then I read it correctly and was like, “Phew!  ...  Oh no!”

Think of it as like a roleplaying game.  Sometimes you play as the wizard, sometimes you're the fighter.  As a player, you change your methods based on the talents available to your class and the demands made by the quest you're trying to complete.  But you remain the same person underneath even if you're wearing different skins.  That's not being fake, it's being pragmatic.

TUMBLR IS INSANE

I’ll never understand people who think that sex between willing partners is shameful. I’ve been the guy, the girl, the top, the bottom, the Dom, the Domme, the sub, and the switch, and much more. I’m not ashamed. I’m happy I tried things and learned what I like. My girl enjoys it all with me.

The fact that I have explored my sexuality with all kinds of people over the course of 25 years does not make my girl insecure either. Our sex life includes everything we told each other we liked, because we were honest at the forefront. My girl knows I’m not gay, and I know she is not either, even though we both have explored the same sex. If I needed a man, I’d BE WITH ONE. Our pansexuality is not a burden, but something that illuminates our fun together.

This year I will take on the slow process of removing blogs and followers who promote SHAME as their lifestyle. I don’t care if I end up with no blog or any followers at all. I love aspects of the so called “sissy” fetish, however, the fetish is not rooted in the innocence and joy that I know it to be. On the contrary, many of you seem to be just fine with the idea that men who dress as women and enjoy sex this way are somehow failed or less than, and should accept a life of humiliation and alienation. And the worst premise of all: that we can’t be with women once we “become girls.” That we’re no longer men.

Let me be clear: No matter what religion or belief system you have, I don’t respect you if you believe that what I do is silly, shameful, or bad in any way. I don’t like you one bit if you spend your days blogging propaganda that contributes to hurting the self esteem of others, or if you try to lead others into a lifestyle of shame and self hate. If you are a trans/genderfluid/sissy/cd who reblogs these premises all day, then I dislike you even more, even if you’re out or have a supportive partner. If you do these things, we are not alike. In fact, I’m your mortal enemy.

Be confident and proud, even during sex! Sex is more fun when you actually like it. And, newsflash: if you like something then it’s not really shameful to you is it? Enjoy the sissy fetish for what it is: a fetish. Don’t let Tumblr blogs change how you view yourself when you look in the mirror. There will never be a day that my girl looks at me and thinks I am not capable of pleasing her because I’m genderfluid. There will never be a day where she laughs at me and says I’m no longer a man to her. Sure, we play games. We like chastity, and pegging, and being “lesbians”. We like power exchanges and naughty fun. We do what we like but we don’t use it to harm each other, or limit each other. That’s why I get to experience all these wonderful sexual experiences. Simply because we were both honest at the beginning. This would be my path whether I ended up with a woman or a man.

Humiliation may be some people's kink, but not all Trans or crossdressers are into Humiliation or the demeaning nature that occurs with the sissy kink.

Not completely related either, but Trans Women aren't sissies, and like all other women, aren't objects for your sexual desires. Not to mention the demeaning nature of the word 'Trap' which insinuates Trans Women are only men pretending to be women to trap other men.

Special shout out to Trans Men, keep being you, guys.

And obvious shout out to Enbies (Non-Binary) folk. You too are valid people!

I identify as sissy.  The reason for this is that I don’t just identify as strongly to anything else.  Maybe I qualify as genderfluid, I certainly have qualities opposite my assigned gender and misgendering is something that I’ve experienced since I was a child.  Maybe I’m even a nascent transwoman, I’ve certainly come a long way in embracing my feminine self and don’t know how far that path will lead me.  Maybe I’m a “little”, I love my frilly dresses and waking up every morning in my Disney princess bedspread.  Maybe I’m a “sub”, being of service to the people around me, particularly my loved ones, is a part of how I achieve personal fulfillment.

Taking all of my qualities, I mix them together in a bowl, bake in the oven for a decade or so and what do I get?  A slice of sissy cake.  It’s just what resonates the most.

But that doesn’t mean that I want to be unpersoned.  And it doesn’t automatically make me a slut or gay.  I believe in monogamy and a big part my interest in womanhood is that I feel like there’s already one too many penises in my life... no need to add more!

#lolitaupdate Secret Garden In Midsummer ~Elegant Lolita Bridal Dress NEW On Shelf^_^