₍^. .^₎⟆

For a second, you thought he no longer wanted to fight for what he wanted. You could see the helplessness in his expression. Quiet sobs escaped his lips as he looked down at the ground, tears fell down onto the expensive carpet that his father bought. It hurt you to see how badly you've ruined everything. But in all honesty, all you wanted to do was to get over it as quickly as possible without having to witness this scene unfolding before your very eyes.

"I don't... I don't want you to leave me..."

His trembling voice lost all the life it once hold. He called out to you like it was his last one out of one hundredth attempt begging you to stay. The shards of his heart broken by your decision hurt you too, but you knew better than to turn back to him and repeat your mistakes like you did many times before.

Especially because this wasn't his first time begging like this.

The Marius von Hagen. The heir of Pax Group. Loved by many, headline of the media every few weeks or so. He has the whole world on his palm, yet all you did was crushing him in his very own sanctuary.

"I'm sorry if I made you— look, I can change. I will change. But I don't want you to leave me... Please, please, you can't leave me..."

I can change. I will change.

You shook your head.

If he change, so then what? Will everything, all the pain, stop?

You knew the whole problem was you.

You've been in relationship for less than a year, but you've known each other for longer than you can recall. Marius had always been in love with you. He made it clear in every actions and every words he said, but you were always unsure. Not unsure of him, but unsure of yourself. Every actions he did for you felt overwhelming. You felt like he was always more than you could take, and despite Marius trying to be understanding in everything he does, you always felt like he was crossing your personal boundaries. Throughout the years that the two of you grew closer, Marius had been very careful in asking you to be his partner. He waited until you're ready and you were initially very thankful of his consideration.

But over time, you regret saying yes. You learned that you're better off alone.

You didn't mean to hurt him. You knew that in his eyes, he felt like he wasn't good enough for you. All those years of trying to convince you that his feelings are safe and genuine, gave the opposite conclusion for you instead. How did you even learn that you're better off alone in the very moment you're together with him? Was he always too much for you? He knew he's naturally clingy, he had tried his best to tone it down, yet you're still overwhelmed by everything. When you started asking for breaks too often in the relationship just because you wanted to be alone, he began to question himself. Was he even in relationship anymore? Why did you even accept him in the first place?

It wasn't his fault. Nothing was. That's why you repeated to him many times that there's nothing for him to fix.

Because you knew you were the problem.

"How many times have you done this, Marius?"

He looked up at you with a soft exhale from his lips. You wanted to reach out to him again, but you held back. You were scared that you'd fall back into his arms and this story will repeat itself another time like it did before.

You sighed, slowly sitting down on the carpet with him as you silently promised yourself this will be the last time.

"How many times have we been at this point? Does this not hurt you?" you asked, holding back your emotions from spilling all over the place. "I don't want to hurt you anymore... Please, take care and don't do this to yourself."

"Don't do what?" His lips trembled when he asked you back. "Asking you to stay?"

"... yeah."

"But I need you to stay," he replied, trying to grab your hand. "I don't care if I have to do this a thousand times."

That's when you couldn't stop the tears from escaping your eyes.

This wasn't your first time. This wasn't the only time he had to beg and you two had to cry in front of each other for the same reason. You knew this isn't good for either of you, that's why you needed it to end once for all. It hurt more because you knew Marius had always been lonely his whole life and he always said you're the love of his life, the light that gave him company after all the heavy times.

But you were having your own heavy times too yourself. Things got too intense in your head that you ended up pushing him away more than you were supposed to.

"But I need to take care of myself too...," you replied, letting out a soft sniffle.

"I'll be with you," Marius assured you with hopeful eyes. He couldn't stop the tears falling from his eyes, but both of his thumbs moved to cup your cheeks and wipe your tears. "I'll be with you as you take care of yourself. Please, let me. Don't disappear. Please..."

You knew the sane way to fix this was to fix yourself and fight for whatever was going on inside. But you couldn't. You're tired. You're tired of yourself. It was more convenient to cut ties with everything around you and face the internal war alone. You knew from the very start that you didn't deserve to be loved by someone as genuine as him, but you were too selfish to not withdraw from him early, even when you were uncomfortable with how things went over time.

Your fingers took his hands away from your face.

"I can't do that," you whispered, shaking your head. "I can't do that..."

His purple hues turned hollow again. You've seen that disappointed face way too many times to count. There had been times when he expressed the disappointment too, but seeing how everything affected you, he had been really considerate in expressing himself. You kept wondering when are you gonna stop hurting him.

In your dictionary, the most considerate step you could take was to leave him and not cause more pain.

"I need my time... it's been very hard to hold on to myself," you wiped your own tears with your fingers. "You mean a lot to me, you really do. But I can't... I can't handle anything. It's not because of you, it's not your fault..."

You looked down in shame. Guilt came at you like waves crashing on the shore. But you knew he believed you. He's been with you through everything, through you being troubled with yourself for no clear reason. He had seen for himself everything that you're suffering with, and it all caused him to suffer too. He never knew the exact reason, all he could do was assume and guess, and maybe get you to speak when you felt like it. But after everything, he started to believe you that the battle you're having wasn't all about him. He had tried everything, but you were always so insistent to leave. On top of it all, his attention and care overwhelmed you, pushing you further away from him.

"Time..." he echoed.

You nodded when you finally looked back at him. "Yeah, time."

Time. That's all you ever ask. Time to be alone, time to take breaks, way too many times for his liking that he started feeling concerned of his newfound loneliness despite being in relationship with you. You always ask for time. And this time, you're asking for a time much longer than you usually did. Or maybe, you would not even come back.

"You always ask for time," he swallowed. "But you're not coming back this time, are you?"

Your heart shattered for the millionth time that night.

"I might not."

"Might?" He exhaled a breath.

You're never clear. Never were, and still are. It's like you're unsure with everything. Even then, before you started dating him for real. And even now, as you fight for your right to walk away.

"I don't know, Marius," you sighed in impatience. You knew he's always asking for clarity because you were never sure, but it's all too much for you. "I don't know, okay? I'm not even sure with myself. We've talked about this many times. I can't promise you anything. I can't even promise to stay sane tomorrow. I can't ever be sure and you know that for yourself too!"

He shuddered when you raised your voice, and it caused you to panic.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," you started crying. "I didn't mean to, I—"

You couldn't fight back when Marius pulled you in. As his warmth embraced you, you hated yourself more for hurting him. His beating heart thumped against yours. His hand ran through your hair, trying to calm you down.

You hated it. You hated it so much. Why was he comforting you when you're the one hurting him? Every untangled thoughts in your head caused you to cry more. You didn't even have the energy to break yourself free from him.

But thankfully, he didn't say anything. The soothing gesture continued until you're tired of sobbing and the cries began to die down. Your mind slowly came into a blank, like you're being pulled out of your body. Yet, the discomfort in your chest was still there, the guilt lingered.

He hugged you tighter. His palm held your head gently against his body.

After long moments of silence, he sighed softly.

"Take care," he whispered into your ear. "When the time is right, I'll see you again."

You knew where this was going. Marius had always done this. Whenever he's faced with vulnerability, he deflects the conversation away from the topic, even if he's the one who brought it up first. You appreciate how he's being open with you, telling you his secret, as well as the thoughts and beliefs he locked deep in the back of his mind, but you could also tell that he's not comfortable with it all. You knew he wanted you to accept him as he is, not as the von Hagen that everyone knew him as, but you also knew that he's scared to show every side of himself to you.

The look in his eyes changed when he realized you weren't saying anything.

"... Babe?" He called out. "Did I... ruin the mood?"

Despite the serene atmosphere, you could feel his anxiety. You only dated him for a year, so far. He must be wondering if it was too soon to open up about his vulnerable thoughts with you. Those years of loneliness, the expectations that became a burden on his shoulders, the quiet emotions he had never shown on the surface, and the traumas he never got to heal from. Just before he asked if you want to stargaze, he was telling you how he felt about the death of his mother, how he felt growing up spending years apart from his family, and his thoughts about the image people had on him as the youngest von Hagen taking over Pax. But because you weren't responding, he wondered if he shouldn't have rambled to you like that.

Even you could tell that saying his thoughts out loud made him feel ashamed of himself.

You shook your head.

"No, you didn't," you whispered, holding his hand.

The lights went back to his eyes after you intertwined your fingers with him. He exhaled a breath in relief. Marius chuckled as he looked down at your hands, before looking back at you with a smile.

"Well, I thought my face was too handsome that you were too stunned to speak," he teased, leaning his back on the seat as he turned his gaze to look at the sight of the city lights below.

You held back the urge to roll your eyes at his retort, didn't want to change the atmosphere between you. There's no way you're letting him go back to being a menace after spitting out his life secrets like they were nothing. You knew too well that he's being playful as a means to cope. His playful, smug, media-playboy persona was his very way to cover up his true self. At this point, you're sure he's aware that you could see it through his antics.

He shouldn't have pulled that mechanism when he's with you. He should feel safe enough to not cope when he's around you.

"I was just thinking," you said. "I think the world sucks."

He looked at you and raised an eyebrow, confused with your abrupt statement. "Huh? Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'?" You furrowed your eyes, mirroring his confusion. "After treating you like that... why would you think it doesn't suck?"

For a second, Marius stayed silent. He seemed to be letting your words sink in. But his silence didn't last long, he suddenly laughed and shook his head.

"For me, it doesn't," he sighed. The look in his face clearly showed that he was amused at your reaction. "But I appreciate you thinking that way about my life."

"You're so forgiving," you commented, staring at him intently to try reading what he was thinking.

"It's not because of that. I really don't think it sucks," he shook his head again. "Well, I used to, but I don't think so anymore."

You raised your brows at his attempt to clarify. "Why?"

"Because it gives me you," he grinned. "The world doesn't suck anymore because it gives me you."