Elin

Budaya menyalahkan

Lekat banget, mendarah daging

Sampe mau muntah

"Kamu si ga gini" "kamu si ga gitu"

Mending kalo konotasinya "lain kali jangan gini", "next time biar mudah gini y"

Yang salah siapapun

Tetep aja "kenapa ga gini"

Budaya harga diri

Nutupin logika dan hati

Ini saudara, ini tetangga

Sampe mau muntah

"Lu orang mana" "ini tanah siapa" "lu siapa"

Mending penting

Harga diri apaan, mikir gabisa

Harga diri apaan, cari musuh doang bisa

Emang paling gampang nyalahin dunia

Ini gw puber apa monopause?

Oh pms.

"Semoga kamu terbangun dan tetap tangguh,"

Gw merasa relate. Karena akhir2 ini, saat gw teringat satu hal tiba2 jadi sedih aja. Lagi semangat ngobrol tiba2 diem. Lagi mau ngelakuin hal yg produktif tida2 berenti dan blaming diri sendiri.

Jadi gw mencoba menjawab.

Singkatnya gw coba ngetik apa yang ada di kepala gw, tapi ragu lalu dihapus. Coba susun ulang lagi, ragu lagi lalu dihapus. Gitu terus sampai sepuluh menitan.

Saat ngetik itu gw masih mikir terus, sebenarnya apa yang membuat gw tertekan.

Kenapa bisa masalah itu ngasih tekanan. Kenapa bisa kepikiran. Kenapa bisa terus2an ber if saat sebenernya, things happened never perfectly but things were well done.

Pas sampe konklusi itu gw teringet ttg inti masalah dan lalu geram, pasalnya masalah itu cuma di 'ketakutan'.

That's it. Cuma rasa ragu, cuma rasa resah. Pas di wording dan diketik kata2 itu cuma menggambarkan kalo gw lemah, dan butuh lebih kuat. That's it.

Saat itu tiba2 gw sadar betapa besarnya semesta, lantas gue bandingin sama ketakutan gw dan tiba2 kerasa nol..nihil, gak bermuatan apa2 untuk mampu mengganggu kehadiran gw yang di support oleh semesta.

Dan gw malu. Kalo gw lebih sering mengisi kepala gw dengan banyak pengingat berkah dan anugerah, bukan dengan terus2an memilih lupa dlm banyaknya fiksi, gw mungkin bs lebih sadar betapa kecilnya diri gue. Kekhawatiran gw. Masalah dan kegundahan gw.

Setiap lagi gundah, mungkin perlu kembali ke pertanyaan simpel biar hati yang dilepas dikit meredup ini sadar:

I remember i never really understand Fe/Fi dominant throughout my life because "that doesnt make sense". Of course i fully understand that, well, perspective matters. But somehow i went through a 'revolutionary' phase that made me thinking about a lot of things. About life and love and being grateful.

And somehow i find myself living in a sea of people who are Fe/Fi oriented. Really weird.

I remember being really challenged with the culture of 'patience', and 'go with the flow' and 'do what can we do with no limit' and 'liquid target'. Oh and infinite possibilities of redoing everything and just being fine with it. I remember i keep saying to my lovely seniors that 'this is not my pace and i am still not done adapting'.

However, i learn something. A logic of making logic.

Feelers are never illogical. The thing is, feeling for them is the logic. Because making things work while respecting people's choice and people's answer and their opinion, do make things work. Much faster. Much easier.

Blame my Te secondary function for making feelings logical, but it is logical. That's why The Creator asks us to make things easy for people when it comes to doing good. That would accelerate the process, that will bring effectiveness. That will brings productivity.

And it did bring a new perspective to take.

I thought i would leave after a year. But here i am. Continously grateful for myelf learning the hardway. For my self surviving the slow pace. For me appreciating the path i take, because for sure this leads to the better of me and the one i want to become. I am thankful for every feelers i met out there for making my logical-unbiased-centric as* frustrated.

I am thankful.

Gue: ngecat kamar biar anak2 gue (re: my greenflowers) dapet cahaya lebih banyak

Mungkin begini rasanya jd orang tua

Yang meringis, menyeringai. Yang menggebu, terurai.

She's like..the most precious being i shall cherish first before everything.

I keep praying for you to get close to Him who owns your everything. For things to get easy, for things being crystal cleared your mind dont get messy.

You have no clue. You probably had but it lost somewhere between things you pursue.

It saddens me, but i am so sure in this i have no intention to give you up.