find joy in the journey

3. Brawny Men

Allow me to take you back two and a half years ago to an interview where Tyra is asked about the possibility of casting plus-size men on ANTM:

While her answer isn’t “No fatties!” it also wasn’t the most the encouraging of responses. I get what she said about not wanting to give false hope to someone who couldn’t realistically book modeling gigs (Tyra would NEVER do such a thing!), however it’s way more exciting to see 2018 Tyra pouncing on an opportunity to promote some chunky and hunky dudes as soon as that market presented itself.

Yup, thats a genuine kudos to Tyra, with no joke or caveat attached. I know that seems out of character for me, but credit where credit is due right?

Tyra gathers the models for a shoot and explains how she was cruising Instagram and came across the world’s first brawny male supermodel. I swear, if Tyra scrolls through random social media accounts as often as she makes it seem, it’s time to check Tyra into rehab for internet addiction.

That male model is Zach Miko, and he seems like a genuine sweetheart. Most of the ladies gush over him, including Erin who says he reminds her of the Brawny paper towel guy. In reality, Zach looks nothing like the paper towel mascot, in that he’s not a lumberjack with a ‘70s pornstache, but Tyra uses the word “brawny” so much this episode that Erin must have incepted it.

Zach tells the girls they’ll be dripping in gold, which the girls wildly cheer for. Typically, the expression “dripping in gold” means wearing lots of jewelry, I can’t imagine they were nearly as excited when the PAs started dumping paint on them.

Zach won’t be the only male model, Tyra wants a few more big guys to appear in the shots, so she holds a casting call. Most of the guys aren’t even plus-size, though, and it’s unclear whether they just recruited entirely wrong or they already had their three models picked out and threw the other guys in for a beefcake scene.

I mean, I really don’t know what to make of these bow-tied twins who do a synchronized backflip. They’re scrawny as fuck, so why are we seeing them at all? I don’t understand at all.

To surprise of no one, Shanice uses the casting call as an opportunity to flirt. She asks full-bodied Kevin if he’s married, then he throws his clothes at her as he strips down. She never asked Kevin he had a girlfriend, though, which I guess would be a factor she considers irrelevant since she has a boyfriend herself. Nevertheless, Shanice admits there’s chemistry, and then the show doesn’t even bother to pair them together, which is such a fucking wasted opportunity.

What is surprising is how thirsty Erin is for these male models. She won’t do a tasteful (and covered) nude pose because of her kids, but she’s willing to make sexually suggestive comments about a man 15 years younger than her while she’s got a husband at home? Maybe now’s the time to consider what her kids will think about that.

Erin asks Miles if he’s into older women, then offers to break him in. Later at panel, she pretty much blushes about how she hasn’t been with another man in a long time and it felt like she cheated on her husband by posing with the male model.

While Erin talks about how beefy men are her type, Tyra says that Erin’s skinny body looks so fly that it makes her feel like she needs to work out. That’s not quite on theme with the body positivity of the episode, but all right.

Not everyone is as into thick physiques as Erin and Shanice. When Rio first finds out what the shoot will be, she gripes to her fellow competitors, “We’re posing with fat ass dudes.” The other women chide her for that attitude. Rio says, “I was just kidding everyone, I am not that insensitive of a bitch - promise.”

She IS that insensitive of a bitch, though, because she later says in confessional, “To be honest with you, overweight guys like that are not cute. Let’s work out, let’s get healthy. But, hey, do you boo boo.”  

Damn, Rio, if a rotund man is not your personal preference, fair enough, but as someone who’s often brown-nosing for the judges, at least learn to read the room. If Tyra’s calling these men sexy, and Ashley’s whole shtick is body positivity, how are you playing a smart game by making fat-phobic comments?

Simply put, chubby guys are looking WAY better than Rio after those ugly sentiments poured out of her mouth. Talk about not cute.

That said, if the male models DO decide to work out/get healthy, at least they know they can have a gym buddy in Christina. She works out EVERY DAY, remember.

Rio may be down for the cause herself, because she shows up to panel in what Tyra calls a “Jazzercise” outfit. It’s truly ridiculous. Ashley Graham wonders what Law would have to say about it if he were here and for once MAN do I wish Law was here to speak some truth to that look.

Per Tyra, Law is unavailable for panel today because he is off “image architecting” for someone. What, did Zendaya have a shoe emergency? More accurately, he’s probably off pursuing his true passion: bottoming… hopefully for a brawny man, so it’s at least on theme. (Aside to the producers - anytime a judge is unavailable, Stacey McKenzie should be your FIRST CALL for a fill-in.)

Anyway, the judges that are present decide that Rio is being outdone by brawny model Miles in her shot. I think it catches Rio a little off guard to find that an obese guy can out-model her but that’s just too fucking bad for her.

Also the fact that the show has now intersected with my real life has made it scary and I don’t think I can watch it ever again.