SYNTHESIS .

in the moments alone i elbow the back of the booth ,    i turn my head twice over the shoulder to assure myself no one’s scoping the place out ,    an old habit i wouldn’t be able to break if i tried .    it’s too hot in here .    flying cars ,    spaceships ,    and not even the goddamned advanced alien species can find a way to cool down a packed bar .    i pull the overlaying jacket of my alliance fatigues loose ,    down to the white sleeveless shirt beneath .    arterius returns ,    filmy and neon in the flashing light ,    drinks in hand .     his proximity is    –     unexpected ,     and the closeness draws up my spine ,     shivery in the low light .     forgoing manners ,     i twist in the booth till i’m sideways ,     facing the sharp contour of his profile ,      one leg tucked up ,    ankle pressing to my thigh ,    the other resting solidly on the ground .        grinning ,     i take the glass ,     unfazed by his words .        ❝          yeah ,    i can handle my liquor ,    spectre .    thanks for the drink .          ❞           i roll the glass in my hand ,    the other clenching and relaxing on the table ,    close enough to reach him if i so choose .     too close ,    but i mind less and less     —     an unnerving fact ,    one i’ll worry about later . 

❝          better be careful .    i’ll start to think you like me .         ❞        drawing the liquor up ,     and     –     it burns ,   hard and fast down the throat ,    the kind of thing you’d take on a dare .    strong ,    too .   what am i getting myself into ?     i can’t help the crush of my lips ,    brow ,    in reaction .    whistling ,    a laugh stutters out ,    raspy and warm .          ❝         damn ,     you weren’t kidding .        ❞          i tilt my head onto the hand propped up against the leather ,     a minute shift closer to saren ,    unintentional ,    but i don’t pull away .    a moment passes ,     another glance over my shoulder ,     and i draw my gaze back to his .          ❝          what happened with the captain .      is that why i’ve got a babysitter ,    then ?           ❞           nihlus ,     far less irritating than i’d expected ,    but i don’t have to like that sense of hovering on missions .          ❝        council doesn’t need another fuck - up on their hands ?          ❞

saren      delegated      the      placement      of      drinks      upon      the      booth      table  ,      allocating      tumblers      into      groups  ,      dependant      on      the      intensity      of      their      alcohol      level  .            ❝            my      methods      were      none      of      his      concern  .      although  ,      he      was      concerned  .            ❞            saren      smiled  ,      mostly      to      himself  .            ❝            you      sacrifice      your      right      to      disapprove      when      you      cause      as      much      difficulty      as      anderson      did  .      a      slovenly      homeowner      shouldn’t      criticise      an      exterminator      for      how      he      kills      rats  .            ❞            a      turian      expression  ,      but      he      hoped      that      the      translation      implant      had      found      a      suitably      human      alternative  .

maybe  there  was  still  a  chance  to  save  him  ,  to  bring  him  into  custody  somehow  .  is  it  possible  to  rehabilitate  someone  out  of  their  reaper  indoctrination  ?  could  they  somehow  salvage  a  turian  spectre  from  all  that  mess  of  geth  augmentation  ,  all  the  strange  things  latched  onto  his  body  ?  garrus  knows  his  mind  is  clouded  by  the  dislike  of  this  situation                           the  enemy  ,  a  turian  ,  one  of  his  kind  steered  by  an  otherworldly  force  .  he  hates  the  thought  ,  but  still  scorns  the  action  .  shepard  would  want  to  try  and  talk  saren  out  of  this  .  shepard  would  be  rational  .  shepard  would  appease  him  with  the  truth  .  maybe  garrus  ,  far  less  brilliant  at  this  than  the  human  commander  ,  could  wrangle  his  mind  to  some  kind  of  safety  .  ❝  have  you  tried  ?  ❞  garrus  shouts  from  behind  cover  ,  gun  clutched  in  his  hands  .  ❝  have  you  tried  to  think  yourself  out  of  their  control  ?  you  can  break  it  ,  saren  !!  you’re  a  spectre  !!  every  turian  on  palaven  looked  up  to  you  before  this  !!  you  have  to  get  out  of  it  !!  ❞

❝      PARDON   THE   CREW.   RUMORS   OF   A    SPECTRE   ON - BOARD   SPIKED   EVERYONE’S   NERVES.      ❞      the   lieutenant   begins   rather   diplomatically,   poker   face   equipped.   control   over   his   own   expressions,   alongside   any   biases   he   might   carry,   came   innately   to   one   who   lived   with   biotics.   at   least,   someone   who   didn’t   want   their   existence   defined   solely   by   that   biotic   talent.   even   if   it   was   not   offered   to   him,   everyone   deserved   the   benefit   of   the   doubt.   conversely,   he   knew   that   the   crew’s   own   biases   might’ve   clouded   their   judgment,   especially   as   they   flew   dangerously   close   to   alien   space   with   a   turian   spectre   pacing   the   halls.   ❝   is   this   your   first   time   aboard   a   human   vessel ?   i   could   help   you   settle   in   or   go   over   the   flight   regs,   if   you   need.   ❞

saren      was      fraught      with      anger  .      not      the      hot      kind      of      anger      ---      not      anger      that      would      cause      him      to      lash      out  ,      injure      someone  .      it      was      hatred  .      a      burning      maligning      that      wouldn’t      have      blinked      if      the      vessel’s      entire      crew      was      sucked      into      the      pitch      of      space      and      pulverised  .      he      resented      them      all  .      for      everything  .      for      the      damage      they      had      done      his      people  .      for      the      lives      they      had      cost      palaven  .      he’d      say      for      desolas  ,      too  ,      had      he      not      ordered      the      strike      himself  .

❝          not enough ?          ❞            they’ve poured several million credits into this endeavor already .     much more than other ,     perhaps more deserving ,    cerberus based cells for research .     truthfully ,   her knowledge of the illusive man’s true aims with virmire is limited .     he held a vast interest in the study of artificial intelligence ,    and virmire was closely related to that goal    —     somehow .    she spares the krogan scientist a cursory glance .    krogan scientists are rare on their own .    one working with a turian spectre ?     that was worthy of note .    is he held against his will here ,   or is there more transpiring between these walls than even the illusive man realizes ?     confusion shades itself atop her brow .   the expression lingers only for a second before she remembers herself ,    smoothing over again ,    blank and cold .    the datapad in the crook of her arm stutters to life as she draws her fingers across it .         ❝         and where exactly are the resources we’re providing going to ,    arterius ?          ❞

her question answers itself in the low humming light .    they’re studying   —           ❝           geth .          ❞           the word stumbles past her teeth ,    caught on the end of an exhale .     this    …     is not what she had anticipated .     geth rarely stray far from their own territory .    and yet ,    saren holds them here .    twisting to face the spectre completely ,     her questions strike ,    insistent and uncompromising .         ❝         how did you manage to capture functioning geth platforms ?    are they under control ?         ❞

the      turian’s      mouth      moved      up      smugly  ,      his      eyes      thinning      like      that      of      a      comforted      bird  .      he      had      been      confident      in      the      geth      revelation  .      knew      that      it      would      rouse      something      fierce      out      of      the      cerberus      agent  .      as      long      as      it      was      enough      to      knock      the      lackey      out      of      kilter  .            ❝            your      resources      are      going      to      the      places      they’re      needed  ,      miss      lawson  .      i’m      sure      you      understand      my      ...      discretion  .      the      illusive      man      was      quite      clear      about      when      to      keep      my      work      under      wraps  .            ❞            a      loophole  .      an      excuse  .      she      probably      had      jurisdiction      to      know      these      details  ,      but      he      preferred      to      leave      her      in      the      dark  .

saren      moved      over      to      the      platforms  ,      each      of      them      stationary  ,      their      stuttering      lights      blinking      as      they      ingested      data  .            ❝            they      were      not      captured  .            ❞            another      softly - spoken      complacency  .            ❝            it      seems      that      i      am      something      of      a      prophet      to      them  .            ❞            saren      took      one      by      its      face  ,      under      where      a      jaw      might’ve      been  ,      and      held      it      there      softly  .            ❝            they      hang      on      my      every      word  .            ❞            after      a      moment  ,      his      hands      moved      to      rest      behind      his      waist  ,      and      his      taloned      toes      stepped      back      towards      lawson  .            ❝            has      your      employer      told      you      what      we      are      doing      here     ?      i’m      sure      you      noticed      droyas  ,      my      krogan      accomplice  .      no      doubt      you      are      curious      as      to      our      arrangement  ,      especially      if      the      illusive      man      has      not      disclosed      the      reason      for      his      interest  .            ❞

if i were a better person ,    a better soldier ,    i would rise to the defense of the man who has given me so much ,   and for so little in return .   captain anderson is well aware of my respect for him ,   deep - seated and solid in the foundation of my relationship toward the alliance .    and this spectre ,    he’ll no doubt give me a biased display of old wounds i ,    perhaps ,    have no right to .   and yet    …    and yet .   i’ve come too far to flail and sneer now .    i inch nearer over the space between us .     our forearms nearly brush ,    the ghost of contact enough to curl my hand into a fist ,   itching to jerk away .    my instincts demand distance ,    but instead i simply frown ,    play the part of the confused ,    but listening protege .    it is not so difficult a role to maintain .        ❝        understandable .    but like i said ,    i prefer to form my own opinions .    i wouldn’t get in a car with you ,    otherwise .         ❞ 

as the shuttle comes to its halt ,   i pull away ,    and nearly spring from its casing when     –     a clawed hand ,     unexpectedly held out .    a mimicry of human etiquette i wouldn’t expect from saren ,    of all people ,    who looms like a knife above me .    what’s your game ,     i want to ask ,    but instead i take the offered hand and rise from the skycar ,    allowing for this small retreat ,   this ceding of ground in his favor .   the sensation of contact tarries even as i begin to pull away ,    a warmth against my skin .     –     he has never gotten over his denial from the spectres . 

the spectres ?     i snap to attention ,    stepping forward .    this ,   this i bite into    –          ❝            anderson was considered for the spectre program ?          ❞          everything falls into place with this new information .    anderson’s warnings .    his eyes ,    fathomless in concern ,    an expression i couldn’t understand then .    if what arterius says is true ,    and i see no reason for him to lie about such a thing ,    then i understand now .          ❝          this is    …    news ,    to me .     he’d never mentioned it .          ❞           what do you know ?     i ply ,    words stumbling slow from my mouth ,     careful to seem too eager     —     to have him lord this over me now is unacceptable .             ❝           why wasn’t he accepted ?    anderson is one of the most decorated soldiers in the alliance .         ❞       i’m not obligated to his personal history ,     but why hide this ?     off - kilter ,     i stride toward the doors ,    hands clenching at my sides .

a preliminary scan of the area belays no visible threats     —     minimal security ,    patrons fast with their credits and too drunk to care ,      the low bass of music in the air ,   and gauzy neon smearing against the walls .    i want a corner ,     tucked away and quieter ,    where i can watch the doors and the breadth of the floor itself .    i beckon my company ,     gesturing toward a booth unoccupied and mostly hidden .          ❝        c’mon ,    before some asshole asks to dance .          ❞

she’s      got      aspirations  ;      often      indicates      there’s      more      to      someone      than      there      first      might’ve      seemed  .      saren      was      trepidatious  ,      however  :      she      was      only      human  ,      after      all  .            ❝            all      cities      are      the      same  .      they’re      all      built      on      the      same  ,      vapid      desire      to      be      impressive  .      go      noticed  .            ❞            it      wasn’t      an      exclusively      human      trait  ,      as      much      as      saren      might’ve      wanted      it      to      be  .            ❝            i’m      not      surprised      that      you      …      needed      to      get      out  .            ❞

arterius      fiddled      with      his      cuffs  .      he      disliked      the      sensation      of      being      unoccupied  .      the      place      and      patrons      were      rancid      with      liquor      —      it      seeped      from      their      breath      like      a      plague  .      saren      did      his      most      to      seal      up      his      nasal      slits  .            ❝            some      soldiers      are      meant      for      certain      roles  .      some      fail      to      move      beyond      their      first      placement  .      that’s      the      way      it’s      always      been  .            ❞            the      spectre      recalled      that      putrid      batarian      colony      world  ,      and      the      scientist’s      research      that      had      led      him      to      his      recent      eldritch      discovery  .            ❝            anderson      had      been      assigned      to      rescue      a      scientist      being      held      by      blue      suns      on      camala  .      he      failed  .            ❞            saren      almost      smiled  .            ❝            i      was      called      in      to      clean      up      his      mess  .      i      believe      the      affair      was      quite      embarrassing      for      the      captain  .            ❞

❝  with  all  your  modifications  ,  you’re  not  a  turian  anymore  .  ❞  garrus  takes  cover  just  in  case  saren  started  to  attack  ,  or  any  geth  poured  in  from  the  window                  he  reloads  his  rifle  and  listens  to  the  very  indoctrinated  one  of  his  kind  rant  and  rave  about  all  the  claims  that  were  definitely  not  true  .  ❝  we  can  stop  the  reapers  ,  saren  !!  we  can  stop  sovereign  .  we  can  stop  this  all  from  happening                  don’t  let  them  control  you  .  ❞  the  turian  lifts  his  head  ,  momentarily  spotting  saren  across  the  way  .  all  this  time  pursuing  him  ,  trying  to  scrape  up  every  shred  of  evidence  he  had  to  show  the  council  they  were  WRONG  about  the  turian  spectre  .  they  were  wrong  about  his  intentions  .  was  it  all  for  nothing  ?  ❝  you  can  still  stop  this  !!  if  you  really  are  still  a  turian  like  me  ,  you  know  this  is  wrong  .  somehow  ,  you  know  !!  ❞  sounds  in  his  subvocals  only  fellow  turians  would  understand                  pleading  with  saren  ,  desperate  noises  .  it  didn’t  have  to  be  this  way  .  

❝        MY EMPLOYER IS VERY INTERESTED    in results ,     mr .   arterius .    considering the resources we’ve been providing you ,    i’m sure you can understand why they want to know how their investment is fairing .        ❞          she arches one ,    fine eyebrow ,    and never once does her gaze waver from the set of his eyes .     at her hip ,    a pistol ,    the silent warning that she is neither incompetent nor afraid of his grandiose reputation .    regardless of her personal feelings toward this particular    …     venture ,    miranda intends to see the deal through .          ❝          shall we go inside ?    or do you want to discuss business out here ?          ❞ 

saren      was      nauseated      by      her  .      nauseated      by      the      presence      of      these      human      interveners  .      but      cerberus      had      provided      ample      resources      thus      far      ---      he      would      be      foolish      to      shun      it      now  .            ❝            we’ll      discuss      these      matters      inside  .            ❞            sunlight      disagreed      with      the      spectre      as      of      late  .      saren      wasn’t      sure      why  .      it      was      like      an      illness      ---      something      chronic      and      invasive  .

saren      passed      through      the      corridors      ---      draped      in      black      ---      passing      his      co - conspirators      with      the      cerberus      agent      in      tow  .      being      in      her      presence      felt      almost      heretical  .      the      krogan      droyas      approached  ,      but      saren      was      in      no      spirit      to      converse      with      the      stone - headed      doctor  .      he      turned      his      head      to      miranda  .            ❝            your      employers      are      true      to      their      word  .      the      resources      they      provided      have      been      up      to      par      ...      but      there      simply      isn’t      enough  .            ❞

❝  so  much  for  godhood  .  ❞  he  glares  at  the  other  turian  ,  mandibles  flaring  ,  browplates  low  over  his  eyes  ,  body  poised  and  ready  to  strike  if  saren  comes  any  closer  .  from  his  initial  investigation  into  saren  and  the  geth  ,  to  joining  shepard  in  order  to  stop  him  ,  garrus  still  feels  the  same  anger  towards  him  as  he  did  the  very  first  day                           FURIOUS  that  another  turian  would  be  the  one  to  do  all  this  ,  try  and  coax  the  reapers  in  from  dark  space  .  use  sovereign  ,  use  the  geth  .  betray  the  council  .  everything  has  led  up  to  this  moment  ,  and  garrus  is  ready  to  lock  him  up  for  every  wrong  deed  ,  every  crime  .  ❝  you’re  coming  with  us  !!  ❞

❝          are     you     not     tired  ,     vakarian  ?          ❞          saren     was     tired  .     his     jaw     was     loose     —     never     fully     closing  ,     emanating     a     synthetic     clicking     noise  .     his     eyes     glowed     like     a     geth’s  .          ❝          tired     of     pursuing     this     thankless     path  ?     of     all     people  ,     i     had     expected     a     turian     to     be     understanding     of     my     plight  .          ❞

so     he     had     been     followed     to     this     place  .     the     body     that     was     saren     had     thought     this     would     be     a     private     affair     —     an     exchanging     of     resources     between     citadel     ne’er-do-wells     and     his     artificial     disciples  .     but     no  .     the     paragon     of     c - sec  ,     so     keen     to     become     involved  .     unfortunate  ,     that     it     had     to     be     one     of     his     own     to     die  .

but i’m good with a gun and better with my hands ,   and i force them still in my lap ,    away from both the gun and the door .    instead ,    i grin ,    white teeth flashing in the dark ,    and i laugh softly   –    the picture of politeness ,    if not a little sharp .         ❝        afraid that’s where you’re wrong .    i’ve only been on the citadel one other time before .    my experience with the     –      night life ,     is extremely limited .   but i’m pretty sure bars are the same no matter what planet you’re on   …   so ,    i’ll follow your lead .   dark star it is .          ❞          a concession i would not make in any other circumstance ,    which i must drag from my mouth despite efforts to appear calm ,    casual .     the unknown factors :   location ,    time and place ,    enemies ,    him .         ❝         the only place i know of chora’s den ,    and it’s     –     mmm .    seedy’s putting it kindly .           ❞            no one knows i’m here ,   though it doesn’t matter much .   i’m familiar with no one but nihlus on the citadel ,   and i doubt he’d come as back up against his old mentor .     anderson gave no details on saren outside of a piss - poor demeanor ,    an anti - human streak a mile wide ,   and a bad case of being trigger happy .    i doubt he’s here to kill me ,    but    —      passively ,    i think of the ways this can go wrong ,    and make mental contingencies .  

in basic ,    they chew you out with horror stories about the first contact war .    what little we know of turians   [   anatomy ,   weak spots ,   the best way to fight them   ]     is drilled into our skulls as much as the proper way to clean a gun .   not just turians ,   but our experience with the other species is severely limited   –    and thus ,   our knowledge .    and ,    the asari and salarians look about as threatening as a drunk girl in an alleyway .    i know better now ,   but they don’t .   it’ll get us killed if we go to war again      —     focus .   i don’t know this spectre well enough to pinpoint personal weak points .   nihlus favors his left ,   and becomes less guarded when he underestimates his opponent .    arrogant ,   but skilled ,   so it works for him .   saren is older ,   more experienced ,   he hasn’t lasted this long on his looks alone   —     so get in close ,   cut off maneuverability ,   avoid the teeth and –

❝          CAPTAIN ANDERSON ?         ❞         the topic is    …      unexpected ,    to say the least .    not what i planned for .    i don’t breathe for a moment ,    leaning back into the cushion of the skycar’s seat .   watching carefully ,    listening ,    i wait for a flicker of insincerity in the set of his eyes ,    but find nothing     –    at least ,   nothing i can reliably read without context ,    familiarity .    as he speaks ,    i maintain a display of indifference ,    belaying nothing of my connection to anderson     –     and i have no intention of revealing such a thing ,    either .   the information he has must be in a file ,     a footnote beneath the record that anderson is my captain ,    and i ,    his previous XO .   perhaps observed by my current mentor .     the likelihood of anderson handing details over to a spectre ,    however     …    unlikely .   still ,    i wonder at how much he truly knows ,    heart stuttering in my chest at the possibility that he might know more than he lets on .   i risk a half - truth ,    shrugging nonchalantly              ❝           he’s my captain .     he’s been supportive of my career thus far .    worked with nihlus to ensure i got into the spectre program .    i have a lot of respect for him .            ❞

❝           i can’t deny that he hasn’t been    …    vocal ,    about his dislike toward you .   he warned me to be wary before i came on the citadel .            ❞         an understatement .   advice i clearly ignored .           ❝         but he hasn’t given me any details ,    if that’s what you’re asking .    and i prefer to form my own opinions .         ❞          leaning into the frame of the door ,    i curl my right hand into my hair ,    red spilling over my shoulder .     unaffected .    i am unaffected .    his defense of his innocence against anderson’s claims came unprovoked ,    and therefore suspicious .    but i can’t help myself .           ❝          why ?    are you offering to give me the whole story ?         ❞

despite     the     skycar’s     being     in     full - auto  ,     saren     grew     wary     whenever     his     taloned     hands     were     too     far     from     the     wheel  .     he     despised     feeling     in     any     way     out     of     control    —    in     any     way     compromised     by     inaction  .     the     people     of     the     citadel     had     been     softened     by     these     luxuries  ;     humanity     was     only     the     latest     in     a     long     series     of     unexpected  ,     disappointing     turns  .     and     yet     this     one  ,     with     her     bloody     hair     and     her     …     healthy     structure  ,     had     somehow     gotten     more     out     of     him     in     a     car - ride     than     any     other     had     throughout     his     entire  ,     extensive     tenure  .     it     was     bait  .     preparing     a     meal     before     he     ate     it  .     that     was     all  .     was     all     saren     would     admit  .     and     only     twice     on     the     citadel  .     greener     than     he’d     thought  ,     knowing     of     her     track     record  .     were     they     letting     anyone     in     the     spectres     now  ?          ❝          i’m     sure     you’ll     become     acclimated  .     all     it     takes     is     a     little     time  .          ❞

he     should     have     killed     anderson  .     compromising     his     mission     had     clearly     not     been     a     simple     enough     message     to     the     tired  ,     withering     human  .     now     he     was     projecting     his     failures     onto     his     protégé  ,     and     thus     his     defects     are     propagated  .     saren’s     talons     curled     into     a     fist  ,     placed     onto     the     armrest  .          ❝          i     simply     wished     to     preempt     any     misconceptions  ;     avert     any     …     unpleasantness     caused     by     the     captain  .          ❞

the     shuttle     vibrated     as     it     came     in     to     land     outside     dark     star  ,     its     door     and     roof     unlatching     from     the     chassis  .     arterius     was     less     comfortable     in     his     civvies    —    a     dark     cloak     draped     from     his     crest  ,     his     clothes     a     mixture     of     liminal     white  ,     but     mostly     black  .     he     was     less     conspicuous     that     way  .     he’d     worn     these     clothes     when     hunting     a     batarian     trafficker  ,     so     that     gave     him     enough     peace     of     mind     to     be     sated  .     he     stepped     from     the     skycar  ,     wafting     the     black     cloth     that     trailed     from     his     frontal     crest     aside  .     eyes     everywhere  .     watching  .     many     unknowns    —    unpleasant     district  ,     full     of     undesirables  .     lax     c - sec     presence  .     inebriated     patrons  .     with     any     luck  ,     that     would     mean     a     minimum     of     attention    —    people     were     too     focused     on     themselves     to     recognise     a     spectre  .