war was inevitable, casualties were unavoidable, it was bound to happen, both on the winner’s and loser’s side, but what happens during the process of losing one of your comrades? what happens when the person heavily injured to the brink of death was someone you cherished? what happens when you witness your lover get pierced in the heart? what’s the emotional process behind it? now that’s the art of war. it grabs you by the neck without warning, drowning you into an endless pit of emotional scarring.

while fighting shigaraki in the floating coffin, it was bloody and brutal, midoriya was nowhere to be seen, the plan was immediately slowed down. katsuki went ahead, reckless, jumping in with a plan in mind that no one knew about. everyone else seemed to understand, do not disrupt his plan, just back him up. best jeanist, edgeshot, the UA big three, aizawa, monoma, including you, were all there to take down shigaraki as well.

it was already off to a terrible start, despite katsuki being able to hold shigaraki off for a while, you guys were no match. it was embarrassing to admit but if midoriya was here, things would be much easier. there wouldn’t be that many injured bodies laid out beneath shigaraki’s wrath. your body wouldn’t have been rammed into a corner after shigaraki decided that you weren’t interesting anymore to fight. shigaraki’s new profound powers took out half of the team that was deployed.

you struggled to get back up on your feet, your ribs were busted after receiving an intense blow, ragged breathing as your arms shook, pushing yourself up. you needed to help the rest, best jeanist, edgeshot, everyone. that was when shigaraki unleashed a move no one had imagined, wounding more people, katsuki being one of them. you watched katsuki fall, his right arm busted, pushing himself back up.

“dynamight, let me snitch your right arm up.” best jeanist crouched beside katsuki, about to provide him with first-aid. that was when tears dripped down katsuki’s eyes, landing on his blood stained hero costume.

“right side... finger... pattern, faint... right… silent… wrap around…” katsuki mumbled, thunking out loud. best jeanist stared in confusion and shock, no way katsuki was trying to force himself to fight shigaraki again. that was when katsuki got up, stumbling slightly, a limp in his steps as he moved towards shigaraki.

“use your first-aid on the others. i’ve gotta defeat him, right izuku?” katsuki said, his voice barely over a whisper, bleeding out of his open wound. best jeanist’s eyes widened, calling out for katsuki to come back, not wanting to see his student intern die such a horrible death. you watched everything unfold, heart pounding once katsuki reached shigaraki, explosions blowing up his face before continuing, moving faster than ever.

your ears rang as the explosions grew louder, showing katsuki’s fighting spirit growing. you pushed yourself, finally getting off the ground, kneeling there as you caught your breath. your fractured ribs felt like it was going to pierce your internal organs if you moved, but the adrenaline and pain in your veins made you feel nothing but motivation. best jeanist caught you trying to move, immediately rushing to you, placing a hand on your shoulder firmly.

“don’t force yourself, your ribs will pierce your vital organs.” he bent down next to you, using his quirk to stitch back your open wound. your eyes however, stayed on katsuki, watching him propel himself as he fought shigaraki. your eyes reflected pain, physically and mentally, watching katsuki throwing himself into death was enhanced the throbbing pain you were feeling all over your body.

“i need to support him.” you groaned as you uttered those words, feeling blood gurgling in your throat. the heavy iron taste leaving a nauseating feeling as you spat the blood out on the ground. best jeanist tried to regulate your emotions, sensing the whirlpool of emotions swarming in your heart and mind. you hated this feeling. useless, the words played in your mind like a broken record. if you weren’t so weak, you could be helping katsuki right now, but here you were, getting stitched up, unable to move due to your injuries.

you watched as the UA’s big three tried their best to back katsuki up, your fingers twitching, eyes welling up in tears as you choked on more of your blood.

“yn stop moving please.” best jeanist warned, voice frantic, worried about both you and katsuki. that was when it happened, a loud explosion was heard, the ground shaking, shigaraki had just attacked. his attack was so strong it cut nejire, injuring the others who tried to grab katsuki. katsuki however was pierced in his heart, sending him flying across the battlefield, while best jeanist tried to grab him.

your eyes widened, body freezing as you turned your head to the now lifeless body of katsuki. blood dribbled from his mouth, the light from his eyes fading, his usual crimson eyes now turned into a muted pink. his skin dull, slowly losing its colour. your body felt numb, stiff, unable to move, your knees rooted to the ground while best jeanist tried their best to somehow revive katsuki.

your throat felt dry, hands trembling at the sight of katsuki, your katsuki, lifeless and cold in front of you. you used every ounce of your remaining strength, pushing yourself towards him, almost crashing onto his body. you laid your hands on his dying heart, feeling at the faint heartbeat slowly disappear. your tears were spilling out, unable to contain your emotions any further.

“you idiot, how will you become the number 1 hero if you’re gonna die on us now?” you asked, your grip on his hero costume tightening as you choked up blood, your head spinning from how much blood you’ve lost over this short period of time. your vision went blurry, from the tears and the lack of oxygen circulating around your body.

“i’m sorry for not being of help during the fight, if i didn’t get this injured, you wouldn’t have died like this.” you practically sobbed out, softly conveyed but your emotions were loud, anyone could feel the the anger, guilt, and disappointment swimming in your head. the more you tried to say something, the more tired you felt, your body was close to collapsing, eyes growing heavier by the second, fading in and out of consciousness, blood constantly spilling out of your mouth. your hands gripped the ground beneath katsuki, before passing out right beside him.

it was dark, your world felt dark, like something was going to consume you alive if you didn’t open your eyes right now. your eyes peeled open, staring directly at a white ceiling, silence fills the room apart from the beeping noises from all the machines. you could barely move with all the tubes and needles inserted into your skin to keep you alive. just what happened after you passed out. you stared at the door, faint voices coming from outside.

the room felt empty, too much for a singular person, mirroring your own emotions at the moment. your thoughts ran like haywire, your boyfriend was dead and you couldn’t do anything about it. while you were too focused in your own thoughts, the door slammed open, revealing mina, she visited you almost everyday after recovering from her own injuries.

“mina?” you called out, watching her stand still, eyes watering as she sees you, awake and conscious. mina ran towards you, tears streaming down her face.

“oh my god, i thought you wouldn’t wake up anytime soon… the doctors said that you lost too much blood and they feared for the worst.” mina sobbed, laying her head on your bed, holding onto your hand.

“katsuki…” you mumbled, his name coming out unintentionally. mina looked into your eyes, softening slightly, knowing the pain you were feeling.

“he’s alive and awake, it’s a miracle, but i think he’s with midoriya right now.” she responded, tightening her hand around yours. oh. your vision blurred as you blinked away the tears. katsuki was alive, how? you heaved a sigh of relief, hands tightening around mina’s, giving her a sense of reassurance. maybe miracles do happen after all.

the sun slowly started to set, mina had left for something personal, not forgetting to leave dinner for you. throughout the entire day, katsuki didn’t visit at all, when did he even wake up? he definitely woke up before you did, but did he not visit at all? you questioned, carefully eating the food mina gave, feeling lonely. your parents would have visited but they were away on a business trip, which stirred up mixed feelings, did they not love you enough to drop everything to visit their critically injured daughter?

as you slowly ate your gyudon, the sliding door of your room rattled again, your eyes immediately landed on the blonde, messy hair of your boyfriend. his parents were standing behind him, peeking in to check on your condition. katsuki’s jaw was slightly ajar, seeing you awake and eating made him take bigger steps.

“was this why pinky stayed in here longer than she should have?” katsuki’s rough voice bounced through the room. you didn’t move, watching katsuki carefully, was i hallucinating? he was actually alive and well like what mina said.

“don’t give me that look, i’m here right?” katsuki tilted his head slightly, a scowl on his face, carefully sitting next to your bed, dragging his IV bag along with him. silence fell between the both of you, his parents constantly peeking into the room to check in on you two. katsuki shifted uncomfortably, feelings all over the place, watching you eat.

“the masked freak— i mean, edgeshot, stitched the hole in my heart with his quirk. he’s gonna take some time to recover his full body.” katsuki explained, glancing at you to gauge your reaction, “my right arm’s busted too, can’t move it.”

you hummed softly, chewing on your rice, inspecting his arm with your eyes, “what did the doctor say?”

“wanted to amputate it at first, but i rejected it, i need my hands, so i just asked for physical therapy.” katsuki responded, sighing softly, looking at your condition, eyebrows knitting together as if a memory flashed through his mind when he looked at you.

“ya better now?” he jerked his chin towards your chest, asking about how your ribs were.

“yeah, slightly hurts when i move though.” you shrugged, scooping another portion of rice and beef into your spoon, looking over at katsuki before carefully feeding him. he let out a soft hum of approval whole nodding his head.

the night went on, katsuki stayed by your side, quiet and observing as you laid in bed, scrolling on your phone, occasionally asking him random questions to ease the tension between you two. there was something in the air, and it wasn’t pleasant at all, you weren’t stupid, katsuki wasn’t stupid either. however, you decided to push those feelings aside, you were both tired from fighting in the war, it takes time to recuperate physically and mentally.

well? it was a few weeks after the devastating war, the new year rolled in, yet everything felt frozen in time. the relationship was a ghost of what it used to be. Every time you tried to touch katsuki’s scarred right arm, he would flinch, not because it hurt him physically, but it reminded him of the moment where the light left his eyes and he could hear your cries for him to wake up. your presence triggered his failure, you became the embodiment of the day where he almost lost everything, and he couldn’t handle the reflection.

conversations grew drier, less meaningful, katsuki would barely give you a glance, nor a smile. his eyes not carrying the same crimson burn, they looked tired, reflecting a guilt he wasn’t ready to name.

the gap grew as each day passed. there was an invisible wall between the both of you, the distance that katsuki created. Every time you tried to approach katsuki, he would look away, pretend like you weren’t there, closing up the walls around his heart, almost as if he was afraid.

you hated this constant push and pull you had, it was annoying, seeing the one person that cared so deeply about you pulling away from you and you hated how it affected you so much. you and katsuki always had a close relationship after he quietly confessed to you, so seeing him so distant stirred unusual feelings deep within you.

it was to the point where you couldn’t stand it anymore, katsuki was irritating you, aggravating even. after class, you went up to katsuki, grabbing his wrist, immediately dragging him into a quieter hallway, you turned, crossing your arms.

“you’ve been acting differently after the war, if you have something wrong with me, tell me.” i started, straightforward, pain written in my eyes. katsuki glanced at you, averting his gaze almost instantly, his body stiff.

“it’s all in your head yn.” he responded, voice cold, detached.

“i am not fucking stupid katsuki, you’ve been avoiding me, distancing yourself from me, was it because i wasn’t strong enough to help you back there when we fought shigaraki?”

katsuki stared, lips twitching, fingers twitching as your voice raised. he couldn’t even look at you in the eyes, if he did, glimpses of your guilty, miserable face, tears staining your pretty face. he couldn’t bare the fact that he couldn’t protect you, protect himself for you. the more he looked at you, the more he hated himself, the more he would hold himself back, and that was a problem.

“it’s not that.” katsuki said, his voice barely above a whisper, trying to calm himself down before he burst into angry words, he couldn’t risk his heart again for the person he loved so dearly.

“then? just tell me what i did wrong, i’m stuck in this grey area of our relationship, we’re not communicating, nothing. so just tell me, do you still love me?” your fingers jabbed katsuki’s shoulder gently, not hard enough to push him back.

‘i do love you… i really do, but… fuck.” katsuki brought his hand to rub his face, trying to consolidate his thoughts. he hated seeing you hurt, and he hated himself even more since he was the cause of it. after a long pause of silence, the words just spilled out of both your mouths.

“let’s just take a break—”

“let’s stop this.”

your eyes widened along with his, shoulders dropping almost immediately. you said it with him, it was a mutual agreement, but why were you so reluctant to back away. it was his eyes, it still spilled with love, the eyes were the windows to a person’s soul right? so why does katsuki look so conflicted?

“yeah… we should just do that. it’s the best for us anyways, we don’t align.” katsuki added on, his statement piercing through your heart like a bow and arrow. you pursed your lips, biting the delicate skin on it, nodding your head. katsuki’s brows knitted together, your lips trembled, on the verge of breaking down. a heavy sigh left katsuki’s lips, rubbing his temple, he didn’t want to see you cry, if he did, he could break as well.

silence deepened in the hallways, the quiet mocking the situation you’re in right now. katsuki placed a hand on your shoulder, gently squeezing it, before mumbling, “i’m sorry.” like that, he left, he walked away from your life just like that.

“we’re not suitable for each other” — the words spilled out of katsuki’s mouth faster than his mind could think, sitting on the bench by the park, the moon high in the sky, illuminating its soft glow onto the lake below, the tiny waves causing a shimmer. you were calm, collected, as if you were expecting this to come. your fingers fiddled with each other, the distance between you two on the bench spoke levels to the tension that sparked.

“i saw it coming” you mumbled, sighing softly under your breath, eyes avoiding katsuki’s crimson eyes. it was obvious, ever since the war, katsuki drifted further away from you, no longer seeking your attention anymore. you felt absolutely crushed, you’ve taken so much time to break down katsuki’s walls, only for it to build back up around you. “it's because of the war, right? after midoriya lost his quirk.”

katsuki took a deep breath, he hated how easily you saw through him, it wasn’t just that, he felt too vulnerable around you, it scared him. “yeah, i still want to be number one, since my right arm’s busted, i have to work harder. no distractions. you’ll only get in the way.” his words hitting harder than a bullet going through your heart, at least that would have been instant, compared to this.

you sat there, slumped against the bench, staring up at the moon, feeling colder than usual. your eyes searched for katsuki’s, watching him carefully. his palms constantly wiping against his sweatpants, eyes suddenly finding the ground interesting. “then, if that’s so, let’s take a break and see where this goes.”

your suggestion makes katsuki stiffen, he did imply a break, but he didn’t expect you to take it so easily, shouldn't you yell, scold him for being so selfish? he nodded his head, resting his chin against the palm of his hand, sweat starting to form, his emotions were haywire. was this the right decision for both of you? you two sat there, a pregnant pause fell between both of you, enough to make katsuki think more than he wanted. before he could even say another word, you stood up, looking at katsuki, waiting for him to finally make eye contact with you. that was when he noticed, your trembling lips, glossy eyes, nose getting red from holding back your tears. you bit your lip, letting out a heavy sigh to compose yourself.

“take care of yourself kats” you managed to choke up the words you meant to say before walking away, back to the dorms. katsuki sat there, staring at the empty lake, the ducks that were usually there gone, the two swans he would see every time he went for a jog not there, you were not there. the distance between the two of you growing even more after tonight, and katsuki doesn’t know whether he liked it. his eyebrows knitted together before grumbled quiet profanities under his breath, for the shadows that lurked behind him to listen to as he went back to the dorms. just like that, you slipped away from katsuki’s life.

days turned into weeks, seasons passed, the year was reaching its end. everyone grew older and stronger, yet katsuki felt empty, his strength was returning, his right arm was starting to heal, but something was missing. you. why the hell was he so caught up with the thought of you enjoying yourself without him by your side. why did you radiate more brightness without him by your side? why was he the only one feeling this aching pain that constantly gnawed on his heart, but your didn’t? at night, the thoughts were worse, nothing to distract him but his overwhelming thoughts about you, everything about you constantly playing in a loop.

katsuki was the one who said that they weren’t suitable, the one who caused the fall between the both of you, so why was he feeling so goddamn sick? how were you able to move on so fast, while he was stuck here, mopping about what the two of you had.

however, katsuki was still katsuki. despite growing gentler after the inevitable war, the remnants of his ego still lingered, he knows he can grow without you by his side, he can be the best hero without you applauding him, or waiting for him at home. he has plans, and he doesn’t want you to be involved, he has established that ever since he uttered those words. he can do without you, definitely…

as the days grew longer and colder, the loneliness katsuki felt within his heart bit him hard. movements sharp but sluggish, without his number one emotional support system, he felt weak, but wasn’t this what he wanted? to focus on becoming the number 1 pro hero, finally surpassing midoriya.

now, katsuki had finally realised, the distance made him realise, you were an important part of his life and he wanted you back.

yearning—it eats a person inside out, making them miss the endless possibilities that never happened, it remains even when closeness isn’t allowed. katsuki learned this the hard way, by choice.

with you laughing and giggling with mina, probably talking about sappy shit, that was what he used to call it, katsuki would just watch from a distance. eyes soft and longing, hoping for some sort of miracle, wishing for too much. his heart ached in a way where he couldn’t tell if it was because of his high blood pressure or his desperation for you.

katsuki was just a boy, a boy who was confused about his own pride and feelings.

katsuki missed when you would run to him after a long day of class, wrapping your arms around him, the warmth now cold. now, you would casually brush past him, eyes meeting before pulling away. a small interaction like this made katsuki’s heart race like a little boy all over again, but how can he salvage the ties he purposely broke?

winter holidays were around the corner, students were allowed to leave the dorms and return back to their homes, giving them the rare opportunity to visit their families. as students were piling the front gate, rushing to finally leave UA to meet their beloved families, katsuki found himself slowing down. he saw you, taking your own sweet time packing and walking out of the dorms. his eyes flickered to you as you slung your duffel bag across your shoulders, eyes glued to the ground, ears plugged in with the wired earbuds you used to share with him.

katsuki quickened his pace, grabbing your shoulder, mentally cursing himself for acting before putting any thought to it. when you turned around, staring at him with those pretty eyes of yours, eyebrows raised, lips pouting slightly. he wanted to kiss you right there and then, how dare you still look so pretty while he was fighting his inner demons.

“i– uhm.” katsuki stuttered, removing the hand on your shoulder, watching you carefully, to gauge your reaction, to see if you were uncomfortable. when you fully turned to him, he felt his world stop, you were making him weak and vulnerable. he would have hated this feeling in the past, but now? he was reveling in it, this lovesick feeling.

“i’m sorry.” he blurted,

“the distance we placed between each other made me grow, and i’m sorry for the things i said to you that night.” katsuki took a deep breath, adjusting the strap on his shoulder, “you’re not a distraction to my goals, you’re someone i want to keep throughout my life. these past few months made me realise how stupid and immature i was.”

you observed katsuki, trying to see if he was lying or trying to make a fool out of you, but nothing. he was genuine. you were about to speak, shut him up, but he beat you to it, spilling his feelings. something you’ve never seen before.

“i was just confused. you showered me with so much love and affection, i felt bare and vulnerable, and i hated that feeling. i thought… that meant i was weak for folding for someone, but you only made me stronger. i feel so stupid for ever establishing that distance between us in the first place.”

“kat–”

“no, i’m sorry, if you hate me because of that, i’m fine, i just want you to reject me, so i can move on.”

“no wait–” he wasn’t listening.

“i just needed to tell you what i’m feeling, ah.. i’m so sorry for everything. it has been eating me up everyday.”

“liste–” nothing was getting through his ears.

“i hated myself for hurting you, i hated myself for being so emotionally weak, i’m–”

“katsuki, just listen to me.” your voice suddenly made its way to his thoughts as he looked up at you, blonde bangs covering his eyes, casting a shadow over them, nose and mouth slightly buried in his scarf, warming his face up.

“i don’t hate you for that night… i just hated how egotistical you were, but i was in the wrong too. i was wrong to overstep your boundaries–”

“no fuck, don’t say that, you didn’t overstep anything. i was okay with everything you did, i was just scared." katsuki cuts you off, grabbing your wrist gently, pursing his lips before letting out a soft sigh. his eyes searching for yours for reassurance, the grip around your wrist tightening gradually, but not tight enough to hurt you.

“you were nothing but good to me, i was the one pulling you down, not the other way round.” katsuki muttered, letting out a groan, covering his face with a hand. why were you still so cute even during a serious conversation like this?

“if… i asked you to be mine again, would you let me?”

your eyes widened before softening, nodding your head. you knew katsuki would be able to change, that’s why you kept your distance despite wanting to go back to him every time you saw his dejected look. his rough edges now smoothen out, softer than before. it felt almost rewarding to see this side of him.

katsuki gave you a boyish smile, before tugging you closer to him, wrapping his arms around your waist, burying his face into the crook of your neck, mumbling.

“can we go home now?”

you let out a soft, contented hum. your sweet boy was back, back in your arms.

at the end of the day, katsuki wasn’t just some emotionally constipated boy anymore, he was your sweet boy, the one you’d always call home.

“we’re not suitable for each other” – the words spilled out of katsuki’s mouth faster than his mind could think, sitting on the bench by the park, the moon high in the sky, illuminating its soft glow onto the lake below, the tiny waves causing a shimmer. you’re calm, collected, as if you were expecting this to come. your fingers fiddled with each other, the distance between you two on the bench spoke levels to the tension that sparked.

“i saw it coming” you mumbled, sighing softly under your breath, eyes avoiding katsuki’s crimson eyes. despite your calm demeanor, you felt absolutely crushed, you’ve taken so much time to break down katsuki’s walls, only for it to build back up around you. “it's because of the war, right? after midoriya lost his quirk.”

katsuki took a deep breath, he hated how easily you saw through him, it wasn’t just that, he felt too vulnerable around you, it scared him. “yeah, i still want to be number one, since my right arm’s busted, i have to work harder. no distractions. you’ll only get in the way.” his words hit harder than a bullet going through your heart, at least that would have been instant, compared to this.

you sat there, slumped against the bench, staring up at the moon, feeling colder than usual. your eyes searched for katsuki’s, watching him carefully. his palms constantly wiping against his sweatpants, eyes suddenly finding the ground interesting. “then, if that’s so, let’s take a break and see where this goes.”

your suggestion makes katsuki stiffen, he did imply a break, but he didn’t expect you to take it so easily, shouldn't you yell, scold him for being so selfish? he nodded his head, resting his chin against the palm of his hand, sweat starting to form, his emotions were haywire. was this the right decision for both of you? you two sat there, a pregnant pause fell between both of you, enough to make katsuki think more than he wanted. before he could even say another word, you stood up, looking at katsuki, waiting for him to finally make eye contact with you. that was when he noticed, your slightly trembling lips, glossy eyes, nose getting red from holding back your tears. you bit your lip, letting out a heavy sigh to compose yourself.

katsuki bakugou

sweet boy [♧,𖹭]