Born Reddie

Happy heavenly birthday, PJ.

I still miss you so much. I think about you every single day. Sometimes I'm angry that you felt like you had no other option. Mostly I'm sad. I still burst into tears a lot whenever I think about you. I'm crying as I write this.

It still hurts so bad that I never had a chance to meet you. I was so close. I literally had the fucking tickets, and then Covid happened. Why things had to play out like that, I'll never understand. I don't think I'll ever be at peace with that either. Or why I never got another chance. I'm still angry about that too.

"Why?" That word echoes in my mind almost constantly when my thoughts turn to you. Why things turned out like this. Why you did what you did. Fucking why? I don't tell most people how much this fucked me up. How much I'm still fucked up. Because you're "just a celebrity". Someone I didn't know. Maybe that's why I am still so fucked up. It's hard to grieve in any sort of "normal" way. I'm supposed to just go on with my life like nothing happened. But I don't feel like I'll ever be okay with this. It feels like something inside me broke when I found out. I've hardly written anything since that cold day in December. I try, and I'm just blank. I've rediscovered my love of painting though, so I suppose that's something. Things feel good when I'm painting. Peaceful.

You would have been 47 today. Just five months older than me, and maybe that's what I can't make sense out of. I almost died at 45; you left at 46, and I can't wrap my head around that. That's just too damn young. I still have so much life to live, and I'm so, so thankful to whatever or whoever liked me enough to ensure that I got a second chance.

You went through so much in your short life, and you pushed on for so long...until you couldn't. You beat drug addiction for god's sakes. That's something that a lot of people can't do. You got your life together and went on to become my favorite actor in this whole sick world. Your movies are one of my happiest places. I'll still never forget when you popped up in Black Phone 2, because I had no idea you would be in it, if only for a minute. I shouted "PJ!" out loud right there in the middle of the theatre and grinned like a crazy person, because that's how much I love your work. And how much it hurts that that won't ever happen again.

I think about your family everyday too. About Jamie, and Jack, and Violet, and your brother, Dave. I hope they're doing okay. I hope they're not as fucked up as I am over this, but...how can they not be?

I made a little memorial to you on my mantle with the picture of you and Jack Dylan Grazer in the role of Eddie that he signed. That I was bound and determined to have you sign one day. And I have my cat Pennywise, duck Pennywise, and chibi Pennywise around it with a sign with an IT quote. It helps to see you there every day, and it has to be enough.

I made a playlist for you too, and a lot of the time, the tears come whenever one of them plays on the radio. Yesterday, three of them hit in a row - Follow You Down by Gin Blossoms, Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi, and Careless Whisper by Wham. It probably wouldn't make a lot of sense to people why some of these songs are on here, but that's okay. It does to me.

Can't Cry Hard Enough by The Williams Brothers It's the End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine) by REM Beautiful Things by Benson Boone A Long December by Counting Crows You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) by Josh Groban Shout (The Institute Theme Song) by The Lumineers Memories by Elvis Presley Bye Bye Love by the Everly Brothers Hey Mickey by Toni Basil Six Different Ways by The Cure Dear God by XTC Follow You Down by Gin Blossoms Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds Heaven Is a Place on Earth by Belinda Carlisle Karma Chameleon by Culture Club Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day Closing Time by Semisonic That's Gonna Leave a Mark by Molly Tuttle It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls Hotel California by The Eagles Ironic by Alanis Morissette Be Not So Fearful by Tim Ophus American Pie by Don McLean How Am I Supposed to Live Without You by Michael Bolton Purple Rain by Prince The Longest Time by Billy Joel Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival Vincent (Starry, Starry Night) by Josh Groban Runaway Train by Soul Asylum Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi Hold On by Wilson Phillips That's All by Genesis (I've Had) The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes All I Ask of You from Phantom of the Opera Sister Golden Hair by America Imagine by John Lennon Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler Piano Man by Billy Joel Tom's Diner by Suzanne Vega Careless Whisper by Wham Eye of the Tiger by Survivor In Too Deep by Genesis I'm a Believer by the Monkees Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go by Wham Lyin' Eyes by The Eagles She's Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze A Thousand Years by Christina Perri Time Bomb Town by Lindsey Buckingham Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin Landslide by Fleetwood Mac Mary Jane's Last Dance by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers Tiny Dancer by Elton John Africa by Toto St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) by John Parr Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton At This Moment by Billy Vera and the Beaters Daybreak (Storybook Children) by Cheryl Lynn True Colors by Cyndi Lauper Dreams by Fleetwood Mac Say So by Dan and Shay

That's what I have so far, and it's continuously growing. I always hear songs that make me think of you for one reason or another, and I'll add them accordingly, so I don't think it will ever be complete. Such is the effect that you had on my life.

When people ask, "Which celebrity death affected you the most?" I never really had an answer. Now I know that it'll be James Ransone.

He was my favorite actor. I loved him ever since he played Deputy So-and-So in Sinister, but when he played Eddie Kaspbrak in IT: Chapter Two, that was it. He embodied that role for me, and I became a massive fan. I found out that he was appearing at a convention in 2020 about five hours from me. I wanted to meet him so badly, I bought tickets, reserved a photo with him, and booked the hotel. I was all ready to go. And then Covid happened. I was devastated.

But this was the catalyst that got me to start going to conventions. It was something I was always too scared to do because of my anxiety, but James Ransone was enough to encourage me to go. In 2022, I met Jack Dylan Grazer, who played the younger Eddie. I got him to sign this picture of Eddie for me, and I promised myself that I would meet James Ransone someday and get him to sign the other side.

I never got the chance, and now I never will again. This one hurts. A lot. 💔

I feel it's time to share a very truncated version of my story to help end the stigma around hysterectomies and help others come to the decision that's best for them if they find themselves in a situation like mine.  Long story short (too late), this picture is very true - my uterus tried to kill me.  I'll spare you the gory details, but I had (noncancerous) uterine fibroids very badly which had made me severely anemic.  Three of my friends (and also my guardian angels) hadn't heard from me in several days, so out of concern, they checked on me, almost kicked down my door in the process, and called an ambulance.  The emergency room doctor told me I probably would have been dead within twelve hours if they hadn't.  Yes, I almost died and surely would have if I didn't have the most amazing friends in the world.

Anyway, those were the first words my surgeon said to me when she broached the idea of a hysterectomy: "Your uterus is trying to kill you."  Then she asked me, "Do you want children going forward?"  Without hesitation, I told her no (never have, never will), to which she replied, "Considering that and the fact that you almost died, I would recommend a hysterectomy."  I said, "Yes, please get this blasted organ out of me!"  In less than two weeks, I was being wheeled into surgery for an emergency and total abdominal hysterectomy (leaving my ovaries in place so I wouldn't be thrown into menopause), because they became too concerned to send me home with the complications I was developing.

Today is forty days post-surgery (holy shit, has it been that long already?) and let me tell you, it is one of the best decisions I've made for myself.  I don't have to worry about almost dying again.  I don't have to worry about the fibroids recurring if they simply removed them.  I don't have to plan my life around my periods. Yes, they had gotten that bad.  (Like, "My period's coming.  Do I have enough food and supplies for two weeks?" or "I can't make these plans for the end of next month, because I'll be on my period.") 

The healing has been surprisingly smooth, and the pain was nowhere as bad as I imagined.  I was hardly in pain after surgery, because they kept me pretty well medicated, then I was off oxycodone within four days, and off Tylenol and ibuprofen within ten days. The extreme exhaustion has passed, my appetite and bowels are back to normal, and I'm getting stronger every day.  I'm still a little sore and tender, but only when I stretch too much or twist in certain directions. Other than that, I forget it still might hurt, and I feel glorious. I feel better than I have in months. Actually, I feel better (and freer) than I have in a year and a half when my periods started getting out of control. My doctor said I'm a super fast healer, and I've been discharged from her care already (but she still wants me to follow up with a gynecologist every year to monitor it). Another friend of mine who had a hysterectomy years ago told me I'd feel like a new woman afterwards, and I definitely do. Ready to take on whatever comes next without worrying about when my uterus is going to try to kill me again!

Also, if you're worried about a friend or family member, please check on them.  It might take a few minutes or hours of your time, but you may end up saving a life in the process.  Mine did.  Someone still wanted me around.  I'm going to assume it's so I can write more stories for my lovely readers, so that's what I'm going to do.  My stories weren't over yet. ❤️

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First and foremost, coffee! Lots of coffee. My number one snack is movie theater butter microwave popcorn. I always tell myself, "If I make popcorn, I'll write." It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. 😂 And if I have popcorn, I like a soda with it - usually Pepsi.

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And there’s my answer to both questions – the more heartwarming and tender aspects of it.  Even back when I first discovered the show when I was a child, I was left wishing that the writers could have given us a little more depth to their emotions.  I know it was a comedy and largely for children, but I desperately wanted that.  I never imagined that I’d be here decades later, writing fanfiction to fulfill that childhood wish.  Having just finished my second novel-length story dedicated to it is amazing to me, and to have so many fans reading my work makes it so much more special.