You do not like Loop, not enough to stop them from doing this. You do not hate Loop, not enough to let them go through with this.
But you have seen this before. A different actor doesn't really make all that much a difference. Maybe you'll make good on your word then. You don't really care enough to watch this.
So you just lean back . . . Eventually, you're oddly laid across whatever chocolate-coated heap you decided to sit atop. Head cursed to gaze skyward, longing to see stars that supposedly don't exist, because it's not nighttime yet. You can't see them but you know they're there... Are you still talking about the stars when you say that?
Haha. Well, anyway... Loop's got a dagger lodged in their throat and you're thinking about how nice it'd be to take a nap right now. You wonder if they ever felt the same way about you. Strangely enough, you feel like it's a bit silly to wonder about that. The answer is pretty obvious. For some reason, that answer doesn't sit all that well with you.
You heave a sigh. Weakly, as if you don't really want to, you raise a hand. Without looking, without feeling, your palm stretches, reaches...
Now, you're supposed to think warm, fuzzy thoughts for it to work. Or so you were told.
You do not have warm, fuzzy thoughts about Loop. You don't have warm, fuzzy thoughts about anyone, really. Neither of those statements are true.
A part of you thinks it'd be a shame. But pity isn't really a nice feeling, is it? Another part of you wants to joke, an empty claim that you'd simply miss the company. But is this the time for that? Deeper still, you find yourself searching. Why? What for? Is something going to happen when you find whatever it is that makes this work? If something were going to happen... It would have already.
They said something like that before, haven't they?
You realize that you remember a lot of your chats with Loop. Even if not all of them were pleasant. Even the ones now, here, they aren't very nice either, are they? But it is nice. To have a reason to chat again. You missed it. It's not bad to admit that, right? But it feels like that dagger would, or at least it ought to, find itself lodged in your chest if you said that now. Haha, actually, now that you're thinking about it... your chest kind of aches right now...
It leaves you wondering why you are doing this. You ask yourself this question a lot. You always already know the answer. Or rather, more specifically, the answer never seems to change in the first place. Except it has. Just now. Just slightly. Shifted just enough to mean something else. You're doing this because...
Because... Loop deserves this. Huh!
Somewhere amidst the muddled convincing you needed and the growing warmth in your hand (the same, or similar, warmth from when you touched them...) you sat up. You realize you're staring at them. Regrettably, and entirely unbeknownst to you, you have taken a new role. If you had to guess, you're making the same face they all did when they watched you play out Loop's current act. You're not sure you like that. But your facial expression is not the biggest concern to you right now.
No, that's wrong. You're not concerned. Being concerned implies you care, and you know you don't care. You've tried to drive that into that stupid bright head of theirs so many times now. You don't care!!! You just...
Woah, okay, your hand is like, really warm now... does that mean it's... working? It's a little different to the craft you're used to, not that you were all that great at healing to begin with, so you're not really sure. Your fingers twitch. Your arm almost feels like it weighs too much to lift. But you won't hesitate now.
"Sorry..." But only I'm allowed to do that... but you can't say that. Not now. Even if the jaded part of you thinks its true, even if you can imagine them laughing in agreement. That's not what you're apologizing for. No, you're sorry for being like this, for pushing them this far only to take it back, for ruining everything, for wanting them to stay, for missing them if they went away... there's a lot of things to be sorry for, you think. So it's all you can say.
Your hand is so warm. It reminds you of them.