now @spockinaa

So he kept trying, searching for that feeling. He didn’t dislike the sex, necessarily — he genuinely enjoyed making Shannon feel good, when he could focus solely on her and all but remove himself from the equation entirely. But as soon as she tried to reciprocate, as soon as his own body became involved, any enjoyment he’d been feeling up to that point would come crashing to a halt.

It was frustrating, not being able to understand, like sex was some big secret Eddie hadn’t been let in on. It made him feel unbelievably isolated sometimes, so he clung to Shannon with everything he had, asked her to marry him not long after they graduated. She knew him better than anyone ever had, and he loved her, though he couldn’t help but wonder if she’d still feel the same if she knew the truth.

When she ended up pregnant, Eddie was absolutely terrified. If he’d never been able to feel the way he was supposed to about Shannon — not completely, anyway — how could he possibly have the capacity to give a child what they needed? He’d fuck it up. He wouldn’t be enough.

So he ran and pretended he was being noble, that he was doing what was best for his family. (That part was true, to some extent; he wholeheartedly believed they would both be better off without him.)

He missed Shannon every day, more than anything, but the absence of sex didn’t feel like a loss to him. He couldn’t relate in the slightest when the guys in his platoon commiserated over how much they missed getting laid. If anything, for Eddie, it was a relief to be rid of it and the crushing pressure that came along with it.

When he came home, there was no time for sex, because there was Christopher. Christopher, who was perfect and beautiful and had no idea who his father was, which Eddie solved by leaving him again.

After that, it was never the same. Every phone call, every video chat turned into a fight, ended with Shannon crying and hanging up on him when they got too loud and woke up Chris. It got worse when he came back; they could barely look each other in the eye, much less have a conversation with one another. As much as it hurt, he wasn’t surprised when she left him. He didn’t blame her — he would leave him too if he could.

Eddie just focused on Chris, determined to do right by his kid even if it killed him. He didn’t have sex again until she came back to him all those years later in LA.

He thought it might give him some clarity, sleeping with her again, but if anything it just made him more confused. Sure, he didn’t enjoy it, but was it because he really didn’t like sex, or because their years and years of baggage were ruining things for him? Was he misremembering his entire relationship with sex and the way it made him feel simply because he was bitter about how things ended?

It’s hard to know, honestly, having only been with one person his whole life. So he does what he always does and assumes it’s his fault, that he’s in the wrong. He convinces himself he imagined it all.

///

When he falls for Buck, though, it becomes blatantly apparent that he hadn’t made the entire thing up at all. Because where things with Shannon were complicated, Buck is the complete opposite. Everything’s easy with Buck. Eddie’s never clicked with anyone like he does with Buck, never had someone who knows him like the back of his hand and vice versa. He’s comfortable with Buck in a way he’d always been convinced he was too damaged to ever find with another person. He’s not sure he believes in soulmates, but if they are real, he’s certain that Buck is his.

And yet still, despite all of that, Eddie doesn’t feel any overwhelming feelings of attraction in the sexual sense. Buck is without a doubt the most beautiful person he’s ever seen, and he loves him fiercely, completely...but he doesn’t want to have sex with him.

Anyway, original point being, Eddie went through all of this without any knowledge of the one simple word that explains it all so clearly.

He figures it out, like he does most things, with Buck’s help.

Christopher’s class is celebrating Pride at school next week, and Eddie’s not as well-versed as he feels like he should be when it comes to the LGBTQ community. He doesn’t know how in-depth they’re going to get into things at school, but he wants to educate himself in case Chris has any questions. So he enlists the help of Buck, king of research binging.

“Thanks for helping me with this,” Eddie tells him when they’re sitting on his couch, knees knocking together. “I know I’m probably overdoing it, but I just...it’s important, you know? I want him to know I’m here for him. That if he’s ever feeling lost or confused, we can figure it out together.”

Buck looks over at him, and there’s so much respect and admiration in his eyes it’s staggering. “You’re a really fucking good dad, Eddie, you know that?” he says, sounding almost...choked up?

Eddie shrugs, ducking his head to hide the blush that always creeps up when Buck sings his praises, all genuine honesty.

“I’m serious, man. Chris is so lucky to have you,” Buck continues. “God knows I could have used that kind of support when I was figuring out I’m bi.”

Eddie’s head snaps up immediately. “You are?”

Buck nods, shifting nervously. “Yeah. I don’t really talk about it much, mostly because of the way my parents reacted. They were nothing like you.”

Eddie’s heart aches at the thought of Buck’s parents thinking he’s anything less than absolutely perfect, and his breath catches in his throat as he realizes this pushes the idea of him and Buck, together, firmly into the realm of possibility. Eddie wants so bad it hurts.

This isn’t about him, though. This is Buck’s moment, and Eddie’s damn proud of him, so he swallows his yearning and grins widely.

“I’m really glad you told me, Buck,” he says, pulling him in and wrapping his arms around Buck tight.

He can feel Buck smiling against his neck, and Eddie lets himself melt into the hug. He’s never been a particularly tactile person, but it’s different with Buck. He always makes Eddie feel safe, comfortable, grounded, and now he’s gotten addicted to all the casual, intimate touches.

They spend a few solid hours on the internet, reading and printing out pages for Eddie to refer back to later, until eventually they come to the topic of asexuality. Buck gives him a brief description, but moves on from it after that, since Chris isn’t old enough for it to be relevant just yet.

For the rest of the night, though, Eddie can’t get those few sentences Buck had read to him out of his head. Once Buck’s gone home and Chris is tucked in and sleeping, Eddie goes back online. He reads articles, and scrolls through pages and pages of forums, and he realizes.

It doesn’t magically explain everything; he’s a little fuzzy on the details and where exactly he falls on the spectrum, because his relationship with Shannon still confuses the fuck out of him, but something in him slides into place when Eddie comes to a definitive conclusion. He’s asexual.

It’s exhilarating to be able to put a name to it, to know he’s not the only one who feels this way. It makes his heart feel ten pounds lighter in his chest to be told that he’s not wrong, that he’s valid, even just by strangers on the internet.

He wants to tell Buck more than anything. The revelation also brings another harsh reality crashing down on him, though; any chance he may have had with Buck has gone out the window.

Eddie may not have been around to see Buck 1.0, but he’s heard the stories. Buck loves sex, so this? This would be a dealbreaker. There’s no way — Buck would take off running. Eddie wouldn’t be enough for him. And he’s not ready to face that rejection yet.

He considers the possibility of telling someone else — he thinks he’d probably be comfortable enough to talk to Hen about it — but ultimately decides against it. The idea of anyone other than Buck being the first to know feels wrong.

So he doesn’t tell anyone. Eddie hates it, hates feeling like he’s hiding himself when he’s finally figured out who he is, but he’s gotten good at suffering in silence over the years. It’s fine.

///

It’s fine until one movie night at Buck’s apartment. Chris had fallen asleep curled up at Buck’s side, so when it’s time for them to go, Buck walks them out, carrying Chris to the truck.

“Night, Bucky, love you,” Chris mumbles as Buck gets him situated in his seat.

Buck grins at that, leaning down to press a kiss into Chris’ hair, and Eddie’s heart aches. “Love you too, buddy.”

Chris is already sleeping soundly again by the time Buck shuts the car door gently and turns back to Eddie.

“Hey, so listen, uh...” Buck stutters, eyes fixed firmly on the ground and an adorable blush coloring his cheeks. He sounds nervous.

Eddie doesn’t know what’s going on, but he encourages Buck nonetheless. “What’s up, man?”

He reaches a hand out to pat Buck’s shoulder, but Buck catches it with his own, lacing their fingers together with a look of determination.

“So I was thinking, since we’re both off tomorrow, maybe I could take you out to dinner,” Buck says. After a moment of hesitation, he adds, “Like...on a date.”

For a second, Eddie is elated. Buck is holding his hand, and looking at him like he hung the goddamn moon, and asking him out on a date. It’s all Eddie’s ever wanted, and he longs to lose himself in it.

But then he remembers: he can’t have this. Buck wouldn’t be asking him at all if he knew the truth. So naturally, Eddie decides to shut it down himself. To hurt before he gets hurt.

He lets himself be vulnerable for the briefest of moments. He lifts his free hand to Buck’s face, strokes his cheek, brushes his thumb across his birthmark softly. Eddie knows it’s his only chance, and he’s damn sure gonna take it while he can.

Buck’s breath hitches, eyes fluttering shut, and he looks so happy. Eddie’s not sure if his heart is breaking more for himself or for Buck as he forces himself to pull away.

“I’m so sorry, Buck, I can’t.”

Before Buck can say anything, Eddie gets in his truck and drives away, leaving him standing in the parking lot looking confused and a little bit broken.

///

Eddie’s been at home for less than an hour and he’s staring into his fridge, highly debating drinking himself into oblivion — he’s got the day off tomorrow and Chris has school, he could probably get away with it — when there’s a soft knock at his front door.

He opens the door and there’s Buck, looking not nearly as angry as he should be, given the circumstances. The only indication that anything’s even off at all is the fact that he actually knocked; he’s had a key for close to a year now.

“Buck? What are you doing here?” he asks stupidly, because he has no idea what else to say.

Buck just shrugs. “I didn’t like the way we left things. Wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

It’s such a Buck thing to do. He put his heart on the line and got brutally rejected, by his best friend no less, and now he’s here, checking up on said best friend who rejected him.

The thought echos on a loop inside Eddie’s head: Buck’s too good for him, Buck’s too good for him, Buck’s too good for him.

He steps aside to let Buck in and grabs each of them a beer. They stand across from each other at the kitchen counter, and Eddie hates how uncomfortable it feels. He’s never felt like this with Buck.

“I’m sorry about earlier, Buck. That was really shitty of me, and you deserve better,” Eddie says before taking a long swig of his drink.

“It’s okay, Eds. I want you to know there’s no hard feelings,” Buck says, looking at Eddie with nothing but complete sincerity. “I’m not gonna hold it against you for not feeling the same way. It’s already forgotten, okay?”

Buck’s too good for him.

Eddie sighs. “Buck—”

“I won’t make things weird, I promise. Just please, Eddie, don’t push me away.”

“Buck,” Eddie tries again.

“You’re my best friend. You and Chris are the best thing I have in my life, and I can’t lose you guys. I’m not gonna let it fall apart because I was selfish and stupid and put my feelings ahead of our friendship,” Buck says, with an edge of desperation in his voice like nothing Eddie’s ever heard before.

God, Buck’s way too fucking good for him. Eddie can’t let Buck put this burden on himself. It’s not fair.

“Buck, listen to me,” Eddie says firmly, waiting until Buck looks up at him before continuing. “This is not on you, okay? This is...it’s my fault.”

Buck’s brow furrows in confusion, and Eddie tries not to dwell on how adorable it makes him look. “What do you mean?”

Eddie takes a deep breath, steels himself. He can do this. The humiliation will be worth it as long as it gets Buck to stop blaming himself.

“I’m...” Eddie chokes on his words, swallows, tries again. “Buck, I’m pretty sure I’m asexual.”

“Oh,” Buck says simply, blinking in surprise. “That’s it?”

The words throw Eddie for a second. That’s it? It’s the single biggest revelation he’s ever had in his life and it doesn’t even warrant a real reaction?

Something must show on his face, though, because Buck is quick to clarify.

“No, not — that’s huge, obviously, and I’m really proud of you, man, I just meant — that’s it, like, that’s the reason you turned me down? Not because you’re not into me?”

Eddie doesn’t see what difference it makes, but he’s honest anyway. “Definitely not. I’m ridiculously into you. It’s just...not enough, and I’m sorry for that.”

“What are you talking about?” Buck asks.

Buck’s looking at him like he genuinely doesn’t understand, and Eddie kind of wants to cry. He doesn’t want to have to say the words out loud — that he’s not enough, that he can’t give Buck what he wants.

Eddie would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about just having sex with Buck anyway. He’d done it with Shannon, after all, and it hadn’t killed him, right? But he finally knows who he is, and it feels good, and he doesn’t want to lose that. He wants to be true to himself. Besides, he can’t lie to Buck.

So he gives him an out. He says it, so Buck doesn’t have to.

“You love sex, Buck. It’s not...we wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t be fair to you. I’m not what you want.”

“Eddie,” Buck says, somehow managing to sound fond and exasperated at the same time. He walks around the counter so they’re standing in front of each other, face to face. “How about you let me decide what I want, instead of assuming and making the choice for me?”

All Eddie can do is nod, frozen in anticipation. He’s holding his breath.

“Good.” Buck takes a step closer and tilts Eddie’s chin up so he’s looking him straight in the eye. “Look, yeah, I’ve had a lot of sex. I always wanted so badly to be good enough for once in my life, and so I slept around as some fucked up way of trying to prove myself, to get the approval I was always so desperate for. But I was totally miserable. None of that sex ever made me happy.”

He takes Eddie’s hand and places it on his own chest, right over his heart. Eddie can feel Buck’s heart beating, slow and steady, and it’s comforting. Grounding. Between that and Buck stroking his hand gently with his thumb, Eddie’s nerves start to calm substantially.

“You know what does make me happy, though?” Buck continues. “You, Eddie. You and Christopher. You guys make me happier than I’ve ever been, happier than I ever thought I could be. You both gave me a family, and you made me feel good enough.”

“You’re so much more than good enough,” Eddie interrupts, because he needs him to know that. “You’re as close to perfect as it gets, Buck.”

Buck smiles widely at that, blushing a little as he leans forward and presses their foreheads together.

“I want to make dinner while you help Chris with his homework. I want to cuddle with you both while we’re watching TV. I want us to tuck him into bed together, and I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up with you in my arms. I want to fight about whose turn it is to do the laundry. I want to take a bubble bath with you after a long day at work. I want to take you out to dinner and hold your hand across the table. I’m not...I don’t care about the sex. The way I feel about you is so much more than that. I just want you, Eddie, exactly as you are.”

Eddie does his best to blink away the tears, but a few of them make it past him and slide down his cheeks. Buck wipes them away tenderly and then kisses his nose with a shy smile, and fuck, Eddie’s in so deep.

“You have me, Buck,” he murmurs, voice shaky. “You always have.”

He tilts his head to kiss Buck, chaste and sweet. Buck grins into it, and Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever felt so at ease during a kiss. Maybe it’s because there’s no expectation of it going any further, or maybe it’s just because it’s Buck. Eddie suspects it’s a little bit of both.

He falls asleep that night with Buck pressed up against his back and his arm curled around Eddie’s waist, holding him close. It’s the best sleep Eddie’s had in years.

///

Eddie wakes up happy. He and Buck are still tangled together, like even in their sleep, they refused to let go of each other. He smiles and runs his fingers through Buck’s hair, kissing his birthmark softly, before deciding to let Buck sleep in.

He leaves a note before he goes to drop Chris off at school, and when he gets back, Buck has French toast waiting for him.

“Morning,” Buck greets him with a smile, leaning in to kiss Eddie’s cheek.

Eddie grins so hard it hurts. “Morning.”

They make easy conversation while they eat breakfast together, and Eddie almost thinks this is it. That maybe it doesn’t need to be a big thing, that they can just have this.

But then Buck’s reaching for his hand across the table and saying “So, I think we should talk,” and Eddie starts to panic.

Did he do something wrong? Did Buck change his mind already? Was Eddie about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him when he’d only just gotten it?

“I know you’re not big on talking about your feelings, but I need you to make an exception for me here, okay?” Buck asks, squeezing Eddie’s hand gently. “I want to make sure I do this right. Your boundaries are important to me, Eds.”

Buck puts a piece of paper on the table and slides it over to him. It’s a list of questions for him to ask Eddie, with spaces between each one, like he left himself room to take notes on his answers. He knew Eddie would struggle to explain himself, so he wrote them a cheat sheet, an outline for their conversation to make it easier for Eddie.

God, he loves Buck so much it hurts.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie says with a sigh. “It shouldn’t have to be this hard to date someone.”

“Just because something’s different doesn’t mean it’s too hard, or it’s wrong, babe,” Buck says, casually, like it doesn’t make Eddie’s heart skip a beat. “Would you ever tell Chris something’s too hard, not to bother, because he can’t do it the conventional way?”

Any argument Eddie had dies in his throat, because Buck’s got him there. “No, of course not.”

Buck grins smugly, clearly pleased with himself. “Exactly. Give yourself a break, Eddie.”

“Okay,” Eddie agrees.

“Okay,” Buck echoes, taking his sheet of paper back and uncapping his pen. “So, first of all...have I ever done anything that made you uncomfortable? I know I touch you a lot, and I’ve never had any, like, sexual intentions — I just like being close to you — but if anything’s ever been too much, I need you to tell me so I won’t do it again.”

“No, never,” Eddie answers without hesitation. He loves all of Buck’s little touches; his arms around his shoulders, his legs propped up in his lap, his hands on his knee, in his hair, on the back of his neck. “I like being close to you, too.”

Buck’s biting back a smile as he hums an affirmation, scribbling something down on the paper.

“So last night, you said you were ‘pretty sure’ you’re ace,” he continues, and for one horrible second he’s afraid Buck’s insinuating that maybe he’s not, maybe he’s just misguided. “Do you wanna talk it through? The part you’re not so sure about?”

Eddie breathes a sigh of relief (he really needs to stop doubting, because Buck’s given him absolutely no reason to) and realizes that for once, he actually does kind of want to talk about it.

“I don’t know. I just — I’ve only ever been with Shannon, so it’s...confusing,” Eddie says, playing with Buck’s fingers to distract himself. “I know I’m ace, I’m sure about that now. But everything else...our relationship was so fucked up by the end that I don’t know if I didn’t like what we were doing or if I just didn’t like her anymore.”

“That’s okay, Eddie. You know whatever you tell me today doesn’t have to be your answer forever, right?” Buck says, bringing their joined hands up so he can kiss Eddie’s fingers. “You’re allowed to change your mind any time, no questions asked.”

“Really?” Eddie asks, hating the way he sounds like a child. He honestly doesn’t know, though; he figured changing his mind would be like leading Buck on, wasting his time.

“Of course, sweetheart. We can figure it out together,” Buck tells him, parroting what Eddie had said about Chris those few weeks ago with a reassuring smile.

Eddie swallows the lump in his throat in favor of getting up and going around the dining room table, so he can sit next to Buck instead of across from him. Buck instantly scoots closer, like he’s naturally gravitated towards Eddie, tangling their legs together under the table.

“Okay, so kissing,” Buck continues, without missing a beat. “Thoughts?”

Eddie can’t help but laugh fondly. “I like kissing,” he answers easily. He leans in to press their lips together to emphasize the point, much to Buck’s delight.

“Nice, me too,” Buck agrees, making another note. “What about making out?”

Eddie considers it. As far as he can remember, he had liked making out, up until the point Shannon’s hands started to wander, obviously expecting more.

Buck wouldn’t do that, though, and the thought of laying in bed with Buck and just kissing him for hours, lazy and unhurried and solely to be close to one another, certainly appeals to him.

“I definitely wanna make out with you,” he says finally.

The words make Buck blush, and Eddie can’t resist the urge to kiss him on the cheek, to feel the warm skin underneath his lips.

“Okay, so — in case you didn’t realize — my new boyfriend is gorgeous, and I’m super into him, so if we’re making out I’ll probably get...um, excited, sometimes,” Buck says. Eddie can tell he’s trying to achieve the perfect balance of keeping the conversation light and making sure Eddie isn’t uncomfortable.

“So if that happens and I need to take care of it, what would you want me to do? I could go into the bathroom, or I could just leave completely and go back to my place, or...whatever you want, Eddie. Seriously, I don’t wanna make it weird for you.”

Eddie does his best to think back to when he and Shannon were still in love and happy, so he can answer the question as honestly as possible. (If he’s being completely truthful, though, he intends on making his house Buck’s home too, sooner rather than later.)

“I’d never kick you out of bed, Buck,” Eddie assures him, nudging him with his foot under the table. “Worst case, I could just leave and come back, but I think...I wouldn’t mind watching, maybe.”

“Are you sure?” Buck asks him, not entirely convinced. Eddie can’t blame him; neither is he.

“Not 100%, no, but I’d like to try,” Eddie says with a shrug. He almost leaves it at that, but Buck’s been so open and honest with him, and he wants to do the same. “With Shannon, I used to...I’d go down on her, and I liked making her feel good, as long as I kept my clothes on and she didn’t try to return the favor. I can’t make any promises, you know, it’s been a long time, but I do want to try. With you.”

Buck’s listening intently, nodding along and making more notes on his little paper. He looks surprised at Eddie’s honesty, but pleasantly so.

“We can try, but only if you promise you’ll stop me the second you’re uncomfortable,” he says seriously, holding his pinky out to Eddie. “I mean it, Eds. You won’t hurt my feelings. I just wanna make sure you’re good.”

Eddie smiles and hooks his pinky with Buck’s. “I promise. You got any more questions?”

“Just one,” Buck says, grinning. “Do you love me?”

“Did you really write that down on your list?” Eddie asks, brow raised at Buck in amusement.

Buck nods shamelessly. “I did, yeah.”

Eddie cups Buck’s cheek with his hand and kisses him softly. “Yeah, Buck. I love you.”