what am i to you?

                                  this   fool   knew   absolutely   nothing   about   science,   but   the   moment   his   name   came   out   of   her   mouth   —-    the   moment    —-    it   felt   like   he   was   experiencing   the   big   bang.   space   booming   into   existence,   the   world   becoming   colorful   and   expansive,   dinosaurs   getting   hit   by   a   met—-    actually,   dinosaurs   were   the   best   part   of   the   world   before   the   big   bang,   so   maybe   not   that   part,   but   he   still   felt   like   his   heart   was   about   to   stop.   lanky   limbs   feel   like   they're   about   to   give   out   until   he   grabs   metal   railing   to   keep   himself   upright,   visibly   gulping   hard   as   he   tries   to   figure   out   what   to   say   next   that   doesn't   consist   of   full   on   gibberish.       ‘       i   guess   i   was   expecting   someone   else   …   in   a   way   ?   it's   just   that   you're   really   beautiful   in   person.       ’       taejin   utters   it   without   thinking   beforehand,   eyes   round   as   saucers   while   a   hand   frantically   waves   in   front   of   him,   as   if   that   would   erase   what   he   just   said   into   the   open   air.       ‘       n-not   that   your   pictures   don’t   do   you   justice,   because   they   do   !   it's   just   that   i   think   you're   prettier   in   real   life,   and    —-    was   that   weird   of   me   to   say   ?   you   know   what,   i'm   sorry,   i'll   shut   up.       ’      

abandonment: 50% mistrust – abuse: 92% social exclusion: 25% emotional deprivation: 100% dependence: 0% vulnerability: 0% defectiveness: 63% failure – impairment: 33% subjugation: 0% unrelenting standards: 75% entitlement: 58%

              at root, you have a feeling of being chronically disappointed in other people. that they will let you down. we are not speaking about a single case of disappointment. your conclusion, as a result of past relationships, is that you cannot count on people to be there for you emotionally. it is a sad and heavy sense of knowledge.

              because you have faced so much deprivation in your life, you feel that it is frightening to make yourself vulnerable to others and ask for what you need. you may protect yourself from closeness by choosing partners who are unavailable, or someone who is physically there but mentally cold and ungiving. in this way, you perpetuate your sense of being neglected. it feels as if no matter where you turn, you encounter deprivation.

              emotional neglect is part and parcel of intimate relations for you. but, at least in part, this neglect also arises because it is dangerous for you to ask for what you truly want. you have become very invested in doing the opposite; that is, keeping yourself invulnerable in close relations to protect yourself from disappointment.

              to avoid the hurt of the deprivation you have felt, you focus on how others have let you down and disappointed you. you can easily access anger about past relationships, but it is difficult for you to feel the pain.

                                   naksan   park   felt   like   it   had   never   been   more   beautiful   …   meanwhile,   jung   taejin   had   never   felt   more   like   a   jackass.   for   a   little   backstory,   for   months   he’d   been   chatting   with   someone   —-   a   really   kind,   sweet   person   that   he   found   himself   having   a   developing   crush   on.   the   only   problem   ?   they   were   an   impersonator   of   a   singer   he   was   head   over   heels   for   (   because   why   would   someone   famous   be   signed   up   to   a   measly   dating   app   ?   )   the   entirety   of   the   drive   to   the   park   was   him   joking   around   with   his   older   brother   about   him   meeting   the   actual   wednesday   ahn.   repeat   it,   :   taejin,   a   college   student   with   not   a   thought   in   his   head   meeting   a   famous   singer.   cue   the   dunce   hat   he’d   be   wearing   after   the   rude   awakening   of   finding   out   it   would   actually   be   her.

                                  ‘       this   is   so   cool.   this   is   totally   real   and   fine.       ’       after   what   felt   like   minutes   of   staring   at   the   woman   with   his   mouth   agape,   he   acts   as   if   this   isn’t   really   happening   —-   that   this   is   just   another   one   of   his   overly   realistic   dreams.   brown   eyes   appearance   is   glossy   thanks   to   the   mild   tears   that   well   up,   both   from   embarrassment   and   the   fact   he   doesn’t   know   whether   to   cry   or   pass   out   from   being   in   the   same   space   as   her.       ‘       what   ?   i’m   not   crying.   it’s   just   so   beautiful   out   here   tonight   that   it’s   unbelievable.       ’       a   delirious   laugh   escapes   from   him   as   he   scratches   the   back   of   his   head   roughly,   taking   in   a   deep   inhale.       ‘       are   we   floating   right   now   ?   i   literally   can’t   feel   my   legs.       ’