I AM DONE WITH MY GRACELESS HEART.

– INTRODUCTION

lily is known for her liveliness and her energy. the girl can’t stand being bored, and sitting around doing nothing frustrates her more than anything. most of the gryffindors viewed her as fun, but her idea of fun doesn’t align with everyone. she likes excitement and adventure. she would take a swim in the lake when it’s freezing cold outside; she would drink until she’s completely wasted; she would set off fireworks in the great hall with her friends; she would even explore the forbidden forest at night if she’s bored enough.

she’s also known for her quick wit and sense of humor, always ready with a comeback. her favorite teachers called her cheeky, while her least favorite called her a troublemaker. she’ll mouth off to anyone, consequences be damned, and it earned her a fair amount of detention sentences over the years. she just can’t help it but sass most of the time. it’s almost a defense mechanism, a way for lily to deflect.

lily knows how to lie, and admittedly, she’s very often dishonest. but she knows how to persuade. she speaks with conviction, her voice unwavering as she spins her webs, a stellar actress. she’s not pathological, but there’s a lot she likes to keep to herself. a lot of weakness and vulnerability that she doesn’t like to share with just anyone. at times, lily is so talented at lying that she is capable of deluding herself, burying some things that she doesn’t care to admit so far in the cobwebs of her mind that the denial becomes subconscious.

she has the heart of a lion. fierce, bold, and strong, lily’s the type of person you’d want beside you in a time of crisis. she’s a textbook gryffindor, ready for a fight and nearly impossible to scare. the girl could be considered too brave; her unwavering courageousness could easily get her killed someday. things that should terrify any sane person, such as bloodthirsty death eaters or inferi, never scare her. lily is recklessly dauntless, and she’s proud of it. there is nothing she values about herself more than her bravery. if you want lily to go berserk, all you have to do is call her a coward.

lily isn’t afraid to say what she thinks or stand up to people. she’s blunt and outspoken–sometimes harsh–always feeling the need to express her opinion. to make matters worse, she’s very argumentative and steadfast on her beliefs; she could debate for hours about something. in fact, lily actually enjoys arguing and debate, sometimes even picking fights with blood elitists and enemies merely due to boredom, provoking them for no reason other than craving combat. incredibly hot-tempered, she’s usually fighting with someone about one thing or another and isn’t afraid to resort to violence if her point isn’t coming across.

there is a softer, kinder side to lily behind all her bravado though. she isn’t exactly nice, but she is caring and selfless. and she isn’t inherently cruel. she’d never hurt someone on purpose unless they didn’t absolutely deserve it in her opinion ( though she’s been wrong before on so many occasions ). she’s passionate, loyal, and protective about the things and people that she loves. she would sacrifice her life for someone she cares about in a heartbeat. she has a weakness for heroics, feeling a need to save people and fix everything, carrying the world on her shoulders. this is, of course, unreasonable, but she believes she has to be that way because of the family she comes from. from day one, she has had expectations placed on her because she’s a potter, and rather than fight them, she feels the need to live up to them. she feels as if the world is expecting her to be a hero because her family is so respected and moral. these expectations and complexes of hers are what drives lily.

she is a perfectionist. lily is constantly pushing herself past her limits and often tries to do far more than what she is capable of. lily refuses to stop and rest, and she’ll continue to refuse until the day she dies. she stayed up too late to maintain her near-perfect grades. she practiced for quidditch nearly every morning. she poured over her dada textbooks for hours on end so that she’ll win every duel in dueling club. and after she graduated, she worked extremely hard to receive top marks on her auror examinations. lily is competitive and feels the need to be the best because her insecurities cause her to worry that she isn’t good enough, that she’ll never be good enough. it’s self-induced pressure–no one places unrealistic expectations on the girl but herself. in actuality, people may expect lily to be brave and heroic like her parents, but no one expects her to be the best at everything, and she puts most of the pressure on herself due to her own insecurities. it’s only lily who thinks she isn’t good enough, and one of her biggest flaws is her tendency to compare herself to other people rather than seeing herself as her own person. people who are better than her are often met with green, envy rattling in her core, as much as she tries to ignore it.

even though she appears completely fearless to most, lily is actually only almost devoid of fear, not that she would ever admit she was anything less than dauntless. she rarely ever speaks of emotions of fear in front of other people, pretending that nothing fazes her. she doesn’t want anyone to know that she can be scared or weak sometimes. she’s a gryffindor and a potter, so as far as she’s concerned, she’s not allowed to be. lily is expected to be strong and fearless, just like her parents, so that’s what she claims to be whereas, in reality, she can be afraid just like any other person; she’s just good at hiding things. the thought of losing people she cares about absolutely terrifies her, especially now that there’s a zombie outbreak and a war. along with that, she has always felt pressure to be great; lily has spent her whole life worrying whether or not she’s good enough due to her family’s achievements. just like her father, she’s always felt the need to be a hero.

it’s frightening, really, how much little regard she has for her own life. her self worth is nonexistent in the scheme of things. she’ll fight nail and tooth to live but only because she wants to be there to protect her loved ones; she sees her life as second to theirs. if she thought she could save someone she views as good by sacrificing herself, if there was even the slightest possibility, lily would do it in an instant. without thinking. because lily truly believes that her loved ones would get over it, maybe not at first but eventually. and she’s okay with that. she’d want them to move on with their loves, to stop mourning her and find happiness. for lily, there is no better way to go than to go down fighting. to go down while defending her loved ones and her beliefs.

but if a cure is ever discovered and she does end up surviving the zombie apocalypse, lily plans on finishing her auror training and eventually working her way up to head of the department, just like her father before her. it’s just what she’s always wanted to do. again, the girl has a hero complex. lily believes her true calling in life is on the battlefield, protecting the innocent and bringing justice to the world.

lily is a control freak–bossy, domineering, and assertive. losing control is her greatest fear, so she’d never let anyone get the best of her. lily always needs to do something because that’s how she finds control in her own destiny. it always takes time to earn her trust because she fears betrayal and manipulating, causing her to be naturally suspicious of others’ intentions. she’ll fight like hell when others get in the way of her plans; her fear of losing control doesn’t allow her to adapt to change easily. oddly enough, even though she’s been surrounded by love her entire life, she’s even afraid of falling in love for those very reasons. the thought of falling for someone who may or may not love her back, allowing herself to be that vulnerable in front of someone, has always scared her more than she would care to admit. lily needs to feel safe, and being in love with someone who could break your heart is something only fools would do in her opinion.

lily won’t admit to sadness or heartache either, not wanting others to think less of her. through sheer willpower alone, the girl has not cried since she was six though there have been moments where she wished she could allow herself to. but ironically, even though she hides her emotions the majority of the time, she is consumed by them. they control and drive her, often even to the point of recklessness. logic falls on deaf ears to this girl, making her much more likely to make mistakes and get into trouble. she has a good brain on her shoulders and should know better than to act without thinking, but she doesn’t. lily’s impulsive, reckless, and impetuous, mostly relying on pure instinct. and she’s as stubborn as a mule as well. it’s very hard to convince her not to do something once her mind is set. and bare nerves, stubbornness, and recklessness is a dangerous combination–a mixture not usually found in those who like to live long lives. lily is aware of how foolish she can be, but she just doesn’t care. as far as she’s concerned, if something’s the right thing to do, it’s the right thing to do, regardless of the possible consequences.

but here’s the problem: she’s so often wrong. her black-and-white and self-righteous beliefs are so instilled in her that she can’t see the bigger picture. she can’t recognize that the population isn’t capable of being sorted in categories of good and evil. she doesn’t see shades of grey, judging others by their actions and beliefs regardless of the circumstances. death eaters and dark wixes are not seen by lily as people–only monsters incapable of human emotion. she hates them all so intensely that she is blind to the fact that they experience true emotions too. and most of all, she doesn’t realize that the other side is just as capable of loving others to the point of consumption as she is–and that they should be feared for that.

– EXTRA INFORMATION

her relatives always told the same little anecdotes about her birth. after all those times she heard them over family dinner, birthday parties, the occasional family outings―any time and place her parents could embarrass her, honestly―she memorized them. her mother would always go on and on about the pain, how it felt like “a bloody watermelon was coming out of my birth canal,” and her father would always reminisce about how she cursed like a sailor at him every five minutes for “putting this goddamn demon baby in my tiny stomach” and how she threatened to strangle him later. uncle ron would always talk about how he almost fainted when lily came out of ginny because holy crap the blood. and of course, grandmum molly would always reprimand them for exaggerating and reassure everyone that ginny never once called her a demon. but here was the part that always stuck to lily the most: she was the hardest, most painful birth out of the three. when ginny finally did manage to push her out, lily kicked and screamed and cried, and her mother looked at her and said faintly, still weak from the pain, “that’s it. i’m done.” and lily were their final child. ( yeah, in all honesty, lily luna potter has been a pain in the arse since the day she was born. and she’s proud of it. )

her parents decided to name her lily luna – lily after harry’s deceased mother and luna after harry and ginny’s dear friend. luna was also chosen to be lily’s godmother, with hagrid as her godfather. ( further name explanation here if you’re interested )

only 5 feet, she’s pint sized and yet she’s somehow still full of anger. she’ll kick anyone’s ass anytime anywhere! 100% free! human embodiment of (ง •̀_•́)ง right here

funnily enough she’s kind of a big nerd tbh but you didn’t hear it from me – her aunt hermione made sure to instill a strong love of classic literature in her, but she also loves so many “nerdy” franchises, and people are usually surprised ( if they know what she’s talking about at all because she’s so fond of muggle things ).

while obviously she doesn’t have the ability to enjoy these things anymore because of the zombie apocalypse, she has always had a lot of feminine interests as well. she loves makeup, fashion, romance movies, female pop artists, etc. – but if you try to demean her or make her feel lesser because of her femininity, she will make it her mission to annihilate you.

definitely a gryffindor but the hat did consider slytherin, just like it did for her dad, due to her ambition, determination, shrewdness, and resourcefulness and she was like “dafuq bruh?”

[ EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND ALCOHOLISM FOR THESE TWO BULLET POINTS ] lily has always been brazen and intrepid and fierce, but as a child, she was just a bit softer, before the world hardened her. unfortunately, growing up under the microscope of the media, she was still left vulnerable to vitriol and sexualization, and it forced her to grow up too fast, despite her family’s best efforts to shield their little girl. this is when her insecurities truly started to grapple her, but she responded by putting on an adamantine face and feigning confidence. when she was in her third year, she dated someone for the first time. he was incredibly charismatic, but of course, much like tom riddle jr, charm came hand in hand with manipulation. in a machiavellian fashion, he pinpointed her insecurities and attacked, using them to influence and control her in a manner that was so sly it took her ages to realize it. this was all while convincing her to keep their relationship a secret, so her family would be none the wiser, which isolated her from those who truly cared about her. after about five or six months, she finally recognized something was very wrong and broke free from him, but the emotional abuse and gaslighting left its toll on her as she came to terms with it, especially after she found out he had been cheating on her almost the whole time. never in her life had she felt so stupid, so foolish, and she vowed to never lose control again. nowadays, she never lasts in a romantic relationship long, flitting from person to person. she hasn’t ever talked about what happened, but in his seventh year ( her fifth ), he was struck with a curse that permanently left his wand hand shriveled and black.

after she broke up with him, she also started drinking at parties to endure the fame and trauma, savoring how the firewhiskey numbed her and allowed her an temporary escape from herself. it started out innocuous, but she will fall deeper into her alcoholism as the plot progresses because it’s very much a coping mechanism for her. while she doesn’t truly hide her drinking, she shuts down anyone who tries to tell her she has a problem. [ END EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND ALCOHOLISM MENTIONS ]

during school, she was also a chaser for the quidditch team and the captain of dueling club. the athleticism and skills that she picked up from these extracurricular activities have definitely helped her survive this long. both the quidditch team and dueling club mattered so much to her and she worked so so hard to excel at both tbh?? but she definitely prioritized dueling club a little bit more because it was important to her future career as an auror. with the sheer strength behind her spellwork and her natural instincts, she’s considered to be a dueling prodigy of sorts, winning numerous trophies in her hogwarts years and receiving the highest marks for dueling on her auror examinations.

she nearly failed the leglimency/occlumency and wandless magic portions though yikes. much like her father, she has a lot of difficulty with emotional control and compartmentalization. because she feels everything so intensely, it’s a struggle for her to shut her emotions down. thus, on the rare occasions she has managed to achieve wandless magic, it’s always been accidental and explosive, lacking any semblance of control.

after she completed her schooling, she not only immediately applied for the auror program but also joined the order of the phoenix. her loyalty to them is so unwavering that it’s one of the reasons why her patronus is a phoenix. ( in fact, she might be a little too loyal to them in all honesty. )  it’s not at all a secret she’s on their side either. she’s very open and obvious about it, and of course she is a potter, so people weren’t really expecting her to be any different. during the war, she was a soldier on the front lines. she also partook in several secret missions ( a lot of them admittedly unsanctioned ) to decimate death eater safehouses and kill higher-ranking death eaters.

when the zombie outbreak happened, she was on the cusp of completing her auror training. well into the final portion of training -- fieldwork -- she had been paired with some senior aurors for field missions and cases. since she was so close to finally graduating, she obviously was not happy when the ministry inevitably fell and her training was cut short, to say the least. but if she wanted to survive she had to #deal with it so she made arrangements to move into the sanctuary at hogwarts, along with the rest of her family. ( she would never want to be separated from them tbh. family is the most important thing to her. always. she’ll stick with them through thick and thin, and her dad will forever be not just the wizarding world’s hero but her hero. she would follow him to the end of the world in all honesty. )

she knows there’s a good chance she might die in the zombie apocalypse. she does want to live and stay with her loved ones even if there is a part of her that gets progressively wearier the longer it all progresses. basically, think that scene in ootp where harry just starts screaming, “i don’t care. i’ve had enough. i’ve seen enough, i want out, i want it to end, i don’t care anymore!” and dumbledore goes “you do care. you care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” because that’s so lily at times. ultimately though, she does want to live – and notice i said live not just survive – even though she struggles with dealing with all the emotions she feels so vehemently. ( she would give up her life though if it meant saving someone else. easily. especially if that someone else was a family member. )

[ DEATH AND MOURNING MENTION FOR THIS BULLET POINT ] she’s such a dog person – once during her second year she tried to sneak in another three-headed puppy into hogwarts with hagrid; he was a vicious little thing named buddy ( because these two consider any dogs their buddies tbh ). but mcgoogles caught them and holy shit the poor headmistress screamed at the pair of them so loudly the hogsmeade villagers most likely heard. and buddy was given back to the “greek chappie” hagrid got him from. but now lily owns a little cairn terrier who’s a precious bean. his name is toto because he looks suspiciously like toto from wizard of oz, a favorite childhood movie of hers, and a couple of years ago he was given to lily by her best friend, clarabel, who was particularly talented at conjuring animals. after making arrangements to move into the hogwarts sanctuary, lily returned home to the apartment she shared with clara to retrieve her belongings and convince her roommate to come with her to hogwarts, but she quickly realized she was too late. the apartment had been ransacked and clarabel had clearly been turned into one of them. forced to kill her best friend, lily has absolutely refused to let her dog toto go in her grief, and at this point, everyone is honestly a little too scared to order her to do so. thus, toto lives with her in her bedroom at hogwarts, much to her new roommate’s displeasure. [ END DEATH AND MOURNING MENTIONS ]