It’s weird to grow up in a family where you know you’re loved but you don’t feel loved. And then later in adulthood you understand how almost impossible it seems to cross that distance and let yourself experience closeness, how otherworldly love feels now and how love feels unbearable at times. You flinch when someone tries to wholeheartedly love you. And over and over you see so clearly how you cannot be loved unless it's from afar and love is mixed with that familiar sensation of distance and coldness.

when Florence Welsh said "What a thing to admit that when someone looks at me with real love I don't like it very much / Kinda makes me feel like I'm being crushed"

I am a mosaic of everyone I have ever known and loved and touched and I find fragments of them in my playlists and how I make my tea. we may not know each other any more but we will stay connected like this. I hope a fragment of me is with you too.

Taking a walk because it feels good going to bed on time because it feels good waking up earlier because it feels good eating enough fruit because it feels good doing a workout because it feels good cooking myself a nice meal because it feels good staying in contact with friends because it feels good… sometimes joy is work but it’s always worth it

what are your twenties if not an endless string of the ghosts of who you thought you would become

I wish i was different i wish it all was different . *cleans and does laundry *

extremely fucked up that the only way out is through