Lillian

there is something strange inside me today

the thing that nags and pleads and begs

to be acknowledged

to be adored

to be executed

knocking at my door

the thing is heavy

the thing is violent

it wants to come out

and create a final silence

i forgot it was there

it slumbered for years

in caverns below the ice

it chiseled a way out

with bare hands and broken nails

it forces me to reckon

with the thing i forgot i am

it does not reason

it does not need to be understood

its only wish is to be fulfilled

to be satiated and gluttonous

it feels so terrible

and when it is here i want it gone

but when it is away

i long to feel the depths it creates

i still do not know what it is

only that it is what i am

and every day it slumbers

the problems people talk about on that app are not real fucking problems. the influencer that did xyz and pissed a bunch of people off and now has 100+ social commentary videos about the situation IS NOT A REAL PROBLEM.

the endless social commentary about issues that simply are not real fucking issues is so insufferable i don’t have another word for it. the problems people talk about are so exasterbated and so pointless in the grand scheme of things no one is going to remember that fucking situation 3 years from now if people on that app spent half as much time talking about these non-issues as they did talking about REAL fucking problems in the world things might be a little different.

of course there is a small percentage of people that do talk about the real things and real problems but it’s such a small group and it’s overshadowed by all these other brain slop “social commentary” pieces. i’m sorry alex earl or whatever her name is getting “exposed” for getting in a fight with her sister IS NOT A REAL FUCKING PROBLEM. everyone is so placated but this fucking sloppppp i hate it.

my algorithm for the most part avoids these kinds of videos and topics thank fucking gods but i do get the occasional one that makes me want to throw my phone away.

it’s so strange it feels like her energy is entering mine and re-aligning me in some way. the feeling spreads down my legs fast and then dissipates.

I’m debating writing a essay on this topic and i’ll admit it’s highly speculative, but lately i’ve been thinking about people’s relationship to mortality in ancient times even up to midevial times before modern medicine. people were constantly faced with their mortality before modern medicine, a simple infected cut or cold could kill you. I believe this close relationship with our own mortality created a deep understanding of time, society, the rise and fall of ages that we can not comprehend today. people feeling and understanding mortality created productive society’s. and oppositely i think people who fear mortality and don’t want to be confronted with it creates destructive societies.

We marvel at ancient megolthic structures today we can’t comprehend how they were built because they likely took so much time and life cycles and generations of people to complete and the people building them likely understood their small part in it all. they understood their small contribution through their short life time and that the generations after them would come to complete it. they understood that was the way life was and how they would achieve milestones was through generations of people.

peoples relationship to death today is almost nonexistent as in no body wants to be faced with our mortality, no one wants to accept how easily humans die, no one wants to think about death until sits at your doorstep and you have to go to a funeral. I think the fact we found so many ways around death like medicines and surgery’s and science, it has created a sense of self-importance in us all. Everyone thinks they are the main character of the movie, everyone thinks they are invincible and we are all shocked when a freak accident results in someone’s death.

Before our time death was such a common occurrence and while it’s obviously always sad i think it resulted in a lack of inherent narcissism we see in society today and was how ancients were able to accomplish such wild things.

This is all very rough-draft type thoughts and i don’t have all my thoughts and opinions in order but i can’t help but see a huge connection between like influencer culture and how social media has made us all feel so self important and further distanced our society from facing our own mortality.

The Mayan’s and Egyptians entire cultures revolved around understanding death and time, and we are unable to comprehend how they came up with their math systems and how they did these crazy complex equations and get perfect results but i think a huge aspect of it was how connected their cultures were to death.