* DAMN GOOD BABYSITTER !

slightly edited in some cases to work for rp purposes. features quotes from Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda as well. feel free to change phrasing or pronouns to fit your muse(s)!

❝ I’m just like you. ❞

❝ I have one huge-ass secret. ❞

❝ Nobody knows I’m gay. ❞

❝ Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, then the next I’m at rock-bottom. ❞

❝ I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t come out yet. ❞

❝ Who you are to the world is pretty terrifying because what if the world doesn’t like you?❞

❝ It doesn’t seem fair that only gay people have to come out. Why is straight the default?❞

❝ Sometimes I feel like I’m always on the outside, there’s this invisible line that I have to cross to really be a part of everything and I just can’t ever cross it. ❞

❝ Sometimes I think I’m destined to care so much about one person it nearly kills me. ❞

❝ He’s wearing a woman’s sweater and he’s drunk. ❞

❝ When did you first realize? ❞

❝ I haven’t told anyone. Announcing who you are to the world is pretty terrifying. ❞ 

❝ I have something to tell you. I’m straight. ❞

❝ I like girls. ❞

❝ I’m heterosexual. ❞

❝ I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. ❞

❝ I’m supposed to be the one that decides when and how and who knows, and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing! ❞

❝ I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who I am. I deserve a great love story and I want someone to share it with. ❞

❝ Have you ever been in love? ❞

❝ These last years, it’s almost like I can feel you holding your breath. ❞

❝ Disclaimer, this is about to get romantic as F. ❞

❝ She’s cute, but she’s just not really my type. Not because she’s black. I love black women. Not like, you know, I have a thing for black women, I just, I just, I just love all women. ❞

❝ I might not know your name or what you look like, but I want to find you.❞

❝ I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who I am. ❞

❝ White shouldn’t be the default any more than straight should be the default. There shouldn’t even be a default. ❞

❝ Sometimes it seems like everyone knows who I am except me ❞

❝ Straight people really should have to come out, and the more awkward it is, the better. Awkwardness should be a requirement. ❞

❝ I mean, I feel secure in my masculinity, too. Being secure in you masculinity isn’t the same as being straight. ❞

❝ I’m just so sick of straight people who can’t get their shit together. ❞

❝ I’m too busy trying not to be in love with someone who isn’t real. ❞

❝ Really, though, there are only two kinds of weather: hoodie weather and weather where you wear a hoodie anyway. ❞

❝ Did you just tell us you’re gay? ❞

❝ Nothing is worse than the secret humiliation of being insulted by proxy. ❞

❝ I fall a little bit in love with everyone. ❞

❝ People are shameless when it comes to cake. It’s a beautiful thing to see. ❞

❝ There’s something about you that makes me want to open up, and that’s slightly terrifying to me. ❞

❝ I knew you had a secret. ❞

❝ I wanted to ask you about it, but I didn’t wan to pry. Maybe I made a mistake. ❞

❝ You get to be more you than you have been in, in a very long time. You deserve everything you want. ❞

❝ I like no endings. I like things that don’t end. ❞

❝ You may actually be the only person who gets more than 140 characters from me. That’s kind of awesome, right? ❞

❝ I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not 100% committed to your Oreo diet. ❞

❝ I can’t imagine a scenario where I don’t want to kiss your face off as soon as I see you.❞

❝ I feel irrelevant. ❞

❝ They put me in a box, and every time I try to nudge the lid open, they slam it back down. It’s like nothing about me is allowed to change. ❞

❝ It’s really amazing, isn’t it? Someone can trigger your sexual identity crisis and not have a clue they’re doing it. ❞

❝ There’s no such thing as a good idea when you’re in seventh grade. ❞

❝ I feel like I’m supposed to make some comment to underscore the ridiculousness of it all, but honestly? It’s sort of nice not to have to be cynical for a change. ❞

❝ I try not to change, but i keep changing, in all these tiny ways. And every freaking time, i have to reintroduce myself to the universe all over again. ❞ 

“I’ve never seen one of these completely to my taste so i decided to make my own!

ANGST

“I can’t do anything right.”

“Please don’t cry.”

“Why are you awake right now?”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“Wake up! Please wake up.”

“Forget it, you’re a fucking asshole.”

“Don’t you ever do that again!”

“Is that blood?” “…..No?”

“Please don’t lie to me again, I can’t take it.”

“Do you even still love me?”

“Nobody’s seen you in days.”

“Why are you awake?”

“I’m worried about you.”

“Can you shut up for once in your life?”

“Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know.”

“Are you hurt?” “No.” “Then why are there bruises all over your face?”

“If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.”

“Leave! Me! Alone!”

FLUFF

“Go with me?” “As long as you hold my hand.”

“Is there a reason you’re blushing like that?” 

“Have you seen my hoodie?” “Nooo.” “You’re wearing it, aren’t you?”

“Have you always been this beautiful?”

“OH you’re jealous!”

“Can we stay like this forever?”

“Please just kiss me already.”

“I think you might be my soulmate.”

“Sleep over? Please?”

“Are we on a date right now?”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“He’s so pretty I think I’m gonna faint.”

“Are you flirting with me?” “You finally noticed?”

“Am I your lockscreen?” “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“I missed you so much.”

“Do you think the moon is jealous of how pretty you are?”

“I’m here for you.”

“I wish we could live together already.”

MISC

“All I do is drink coffee and say bad words.”

“Quit touching me, your feet are cold!”

“I think I just ripped my pants.”

“Sharing is caring, now give me the hoodie!”

“Can I pet your dog?” “Do I know you?”

“Did you seriously just get your foot stuck in a toilet?” “Maybe.”

“If I die, I’m haunting you first.”

“But I’ve never told you that before.” 

“Stop being grumpy, it’s lame.”

“So, uh, I locked the keys in the car.”

“Is the cat in a onesie?” “Uh, no?

“Can we please stop running? I think I’m dying.”

“You come here often?” “Well, I work here. So I think I’d have to say ‘yes’.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be working?”

“Give me attention.”

“YOU SAID TO BE HONEST STOP HITTING ME!”

“Okay, so maybe I didn’t see that coming.”

“You ever seen a ghost?”

“Say more right now”

“I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown”

“Let’s change the subject”

“This is a weird topic”

“None of us ever really know our fathers”

“We don’t have time to unpack all of that”

“STREET SMARTS!”

“Sit up straight! Be respectful!”

“So say a kidnapper grabs you and throws you in the trunk of their car”

“Brush your teeth! Now BOOM orange juice, that’s life”

“That’ll throw him off his rhythm”

“Weird, psych-out, backroom Chicago violence”

“As any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phonebook doesn’t leave bruises”

“Okay, when you get kidnapped- not if, when”

“If you get taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none”

“I thought I was gonna be murdered my entire childhood”

“What would Leonard Bernstein do”

“Give us some money! As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money!”

“Now you have the audacity to ask me for MORE money?!”

“I gave you more money than the Civil War cost and you spent it already?!”

“She’s not gonna do anything else for you. It’s done.”

“I thought our transaction was over”

“Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?

“College was like a four year game show”

“Well if it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep shirt”

“These meaningless politeness rules”

“I like to throw in I’m kidding at the end of jokes now”

“See you at improv practice”

“Of all the sentences that I would be ashamed to hear read in court”

“I am damp all the time”

“I don’t think it’s anything serious”

“I’m gross now”

“Y’know, life?”

“Monkey monkey monkey man”

“I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room”

“It’s tough to not get grumpy. It’s so tempting”

“I’m trying to stay nice though”

“Maybe they have a different definition of nice”

“If we must go on with salt alone, we will go on with salt alone”

“Famous people are weird as shit. They’re all weird. Your suspicions are correct”

“That must change you as a person”

“Everything was slower in the old days. Because they didn’t have enough to do so they had to slow things down”

“We gotta think of some weird, slow activities to fill the day”

“Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable”

“Everything is run by robots, and we spend most of the day telling them that we’re not robots”

“Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters!”

“How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once?”

“May I introduce you to THE GAZEBO”

“It seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time”

“There’s a horse loose in the hospital”

“What’d the horse do, what’d the horse do”

“We’re well past that”

“Okay okay okay okay okay okay”

“I have fired the horse catcher”

“How come you opened the door for the horse?”

“I used to pay less attention”

“I’m lazy by nature”

“And you can quote me on that”

“We bought a stroller for our dog”

“Just one more follow up question”

“What did they say in there, what did they do, what did they tell you”

“That’s the same joke twice”

“A charming anecdote that was fake and never happened”

“It’s a word you’re meant to mishear”

“The bread of bread is bread. The bread is good”