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Also Dylmas:

when ur followers are still following u even after u shitpost so much

I love one chaotic group!

BONUS

It’s the present day, or close. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are staring down the barrel of 40. Their kids are all away at Hogwarts, they’re comfortable in their careers–Harry’s Head Auror or his deputy, mostly a desk job, Hermione’s some sort of researcher or lawyer or politician, definitely a desk job, Ron’s working with George or writing smutty romance novels or something nobody takes seriously. And then something Really Bad starts happening–not Voldemort, something new–and the Golden Trio are like, “Oh heck no,” and set out to just bloody deal with it. So, like, the golden trio go on an adventure and they’re torn between, like, “Wow, it’s great to be back at this!” and “Oh no not again!” and being completely unimpressed by the new dark lord or whatever–“Please, that s*** was scary when I was 11, but you’re gonna have to try harder now.” And just, like, all the young pups staring at these people they thought couldn’t possibly be all they’re cracked up to be being that plus 20 years of life experience.

I kinda don’t care who anyone’s banging, except if anyone’s banging Draco it always ends up being all about Draco and I don’t want that. I want The Golden Trio Burst Out of Mothballs and Have An Adventure. Other people can come–it’d be great if Ginny, Neville, and Luna got to join them–but like, adventures. Punching Cthulhu in the face or something. Still being the Trio 20 years later.

At Hogwarts Dudley gets bullied by purebloods because he’s a muggleborn, fat, and not all that good at magic at first. Harry teases him a little at first but when he notices how bad Dudley is feeling and how cruelly he’s being treated, Harry bends. He lends a hand to the cousin that’s bullied him for years. They become friends and Dudley gets better at magic, especially after Harry introduces him to Hermione. Dudley writes to his parents about everything; how he’s doing in class, how Harry has helped him, the friends he’s made, how they were wrong about Harry being a freak. Petunia and Vernon hate it of course, but what can they do? This is their son.

Thomas: Not dying.

Yes. What’s his name?

The wand chooses the wizard, Mr. Potter. It’s not always clear why. But I think it is clear that we can expect great things from you.