Spider Nerds Unite!

Waiter: And what will you be drinking tonight?

Peter: *slaps hand on table* I’ll have a milk!

Waiter: Is that some sort of American slang for something?

Ned: I wish.

Peter: Welcome ladies and gentleman to Cafe le Parker!

Loki: * whispers to Sam * Is it too late to cancel my reservation?

Sam: * smacks Loki upside the head *

Peter: Tonight I will treat you to a three course meal starting with.....* rolls out a kart with plates * stuffed mushrooms!

Natasha: They smell..... interesting

Loki: Is this delicacy supposed to be black and crunchy?

Thor: Who cares! These are delicious! *notices Clint’s full plate * Are you going to finish those?

Clint: * pushes plate to Thor * Be my guest.

Peter: Now for our main course, chicken alfresco pasta.

Steve: * leans over to Bucky * This reminds me of the time you tried to impress that one girl.

Bucky: That good?

Steve: No, that bad.

Bucky: What? She loved it.

Steve: That’s because I remade it after you had me try yours. I didn’t want the poor lady suffering from food poisoning.

Peter: What do you guys think?

Bucky: Well, I think it tastes great. *glares at Steve *

Thor: I agree! Most mortal meats are overcooked. The bloodier the better!

Clint: * runs to bathroom holding a hand over his mouth *

Peter: What about you Mr. Stark?

Tony: * looking into Peter’s big puppy eyes * Uh, well I think not everyone has the same taste as you.

Peter: * shoulders slumped * Oh ok.

Tony: How about I get a tutor and we could learn together. How’s that sound?

Peter: * excited * That would be awesome Mr. Stark!

Thick black smoke begins to pour from the bottom of the kitchen door.

Bruce: Uhhh Peter, I think there is a situation with your last dish.

Peter: * nervous chuckle * Maybe we should just skip on the triple layer chocolate cake.

Shuri is sleeping on a couch late at night. Peter creeps over to her quietly.

Peter: Shuri? Shuri wake up! Wake up!

Shuri: Peter, go back to sleep.

Peter: I can’t. * dramatically falls backwards on Shuri * my spider senses are awake so I’m awake so we have to prank!

Shuri: * shoving Peter off * Go prank someone yourself.

Peter lands on the ground pouting for a moment before an idea strikes him and his face brightens.

Peter: * lifts open one of Shuri’s eyelids* You wanna prank Iron Maaan?

Hulk: * doesn’t notice Peter and almost sits on him*

Peter: Woah! Careful there mean green machine, you almost made me into a Spidey flapjack!

Hulk: OH HULK SORRY! HE NEVER WANTS TO HURT PUNY PARKER!

Peter: Easy on the puny. I’ve gained a lot of muscle lately for your information.

Clint: Taco weight doesn’t count.

Hulk: BUT PARKER IS SO TINY! HE LIKE BABY DUCKLING THAT NEED PROTECTED!

Peter: I can pick up a bus!

Loki: While crying.

Hulk: HULK MUST PROTECT PARKER BY TEACHING HIM TO BECOME BIG STRONG MAN!

Peter: I am a man! Right Mr.Stark?

Tony: Pete you told me you couldn’t go to Germany because of homework.

Peter: Thor you think I’m a man.

Thor: *places hand on Peter’s shoulder * I think you will become a very noble man one day.

Peter: Ugh! Fine I know who to call! *punches in phone number * Hey aunt May, I’m a man right?

May: Of course!

Peter: Someone finally understands that I am...

May: You’ve always been my little man!

Clint: *snorts *

Peter: An annoying little machine that can’t socialize with real human beings? Yeah I can agree.

Ned: * sarcastically * Ha ha very funny. What about you?

Peter: hmmmm probably Stitch.

Ned: Because he’s a little menace that thinks he’s helping but only makes matters worse?

Peter: First, ouch. Second, it’s because he’s a lot stronger than he looks, he can stick to the walls, and no one will let him have coffee.

Ned: Did Tony cut you off after the whole “ running on all the walls and ceilings while screaming the Pokémon theme song” incident?

Peter Quill and the rest of the Guardians come for a visit at Avengers Tower. Both teams converse among themselves in the common area. Peter Parker enters the room and locks his eyes with Quill.

Peter P: Quill.

Peter Q: Parker.

Peter P: So after all this time the strings of destiny have woven us to meet again.

Peter Q: That’s right! And this place ain’t big enough for two Peters.

Drax: What do you mean? There is more than enough space to hold the required area for your bodies.

Clint: Just don’t say anything. If you interfere it’ll just make it worse.

Peter P: So how do you propose we settle this old timer?

Peter Q: Anyway, anywhere, anytime spider punk!

Peter P: Fine, but I don’t want to hear no crying. We’re going to settle this like men! Karen! Set up Manly Fight to the Death protocol!!!

Karen: Alright Peter, bringing up “Take on Me” by Ah ha! On Just Dance Unlimited 2019.

Tony: *sighs* That’s my kid all right.

Peter Q: *puts on aviator sunglasses * Let’s do this thing.

Steve: Alright before we finish up is there anything anyone would like to say?

Peter: * raises hand *

Steve: Go ahead Parker.

Peter * stands up* Uh hello everyone I would like to make a proposal to the team. I believe this will better our team and hope to gain your support and approval.

Tony: * proud of Peter’s confidence * *leans over and whispers to Bruce* Taught him everything he knows about business persuasion and marketing.

Bruce: Mmhhmm

Peter: * places his backpack on table and clears his throat * So I found this squirrel injured in the park so I’ve been taking care of her and I would like to suggest she becomes the official avengers mascot. * removes small cage containing a small squirrel with a tiny pink cast*

Tony: *groans*

Steve: Well uhhh, that’s not exactly official avengers busine

Thor: *stands up quickly * I second this proposal!

Clint: I third.

Steve: Well, I guess in that case... We will take a vote. All in favor of adopting this........ squirrel... raise your hand.

Everyone raises their hands as Tony and Steve sit and stare dumbfounded. Peter smiles brightly as he pets the squirrel.

Steve: * sigh * The squirrel stays then.

Loki: So what are we to call the vermin?

Thor: She should have a strong and noble name like the Valkyrie of Asgard!

Peter: Exactly! She’s a fighter that’s why I’d like to name her after the strongest women I know. Everyone! I would like to introduce you to Natasha May-Michelle!

Clint: Well he’s a strange kid in general so you’re going to have to be more specific.

Steve: Alright, why does he keep making weird barking noises and trying to eat raw fish?

Bruce: Could it be a side effect of the spider bite? It could have contained a neurotoxin.

Natasha: He could have been exposed to something during one of his missions. Maybe there’s a hormonal imbalance.

Loki: Perhaps his life full of loss and sorrow has been welling up inside of him and he’s finally slipped into chaos and madness. I can relate to that.

Tony: Or he was taking a quiz on the internet at 3 am to see what his spirit animal is based on what pizza toppings he chooses and he took the results too seriously.

Steve: Dare I ask what his “pizza spirit animal” is?

Peter walks in with a fish hanging from his mouth and balancing a beach ball on his nose.

Tony : I’m gonna go with seal.

Bruce: Peter please stop that, you’re going to get mercury poisoning.

Peter: I can’t Mr.Banner,

Thor: Young Parker this is clearly unhealthy.

Peter: *knocks on door*

Old Woman: One moment please! *opens door *

Peter: Good afternoon Ma’am! My name is Spider...

Old Woman: Oh did I miss it again?!

Peter: Miss what Ma’am?

Old Woman: Well Halloween of course! That’s why you’re wearing that adorable Spider-Boy suit right?

Peter: Actually it’s Spider-Man and I

Old Woman: Now you just come right in and I’ll find something sweet for you Ok now?

Peter: Oh no that’s not necessary,

Old Woman: Fiddle sticks! Halloween only comes once a year and you look so dashing as Spider-Boy!

Peter: * mumbles as he follows her inside * Spider-Man

Later Peter retells the the incident to Michelle and Ned.

Peter: So that’s how I ended up learning to tie a slip knot, play Mary had a little lamb on piano, make a bunt cake, properly clean an oven, and got a whole bag of assorted candy, cookies, and this mandarin orange! So overall I think we’ve made a lot of progress!

Michelle: Pete you only managed to get 4 signatures in 7 hours.

Peter: * peeling orange * Progress!

Michelle: Between the three of us we haven’t even met 5% of our goal.

Peter: Yeah, but now I can make a bunt cake. Progress!

Michelle: Ned talk some sense into him.

Ned: * shoveling down cookies * THESE ARE SO GOOD!!!

Peter: I know right! She even gave me the recipe!

Michelle: * throws hands up exasperated * I’m out. * leaves *

Ned: What’s her issue?

Peter: Awe look at the little snek. So smooth, so wiggly, so good.

Loki/Snake: *sticks out tongue*

Peter: Yep, this is one great snek. 10 out of 10 would boop his snoop. *reaches out and lightly pokes snake on the nose* Boop!

Loki/Snake: *blink*

Peter: Well I gotta go patrol. Bye bye smol snek!

Peter leaves the area. Loki transforms back as Thor enters the room

Thor: What happened to proving you feel no attachment to the Spider child?

Precious hair floof animation 😍

Tony: * not looking up from the paper * What’s up kid?

Peter: Have you ever watched Beauty and the Beast?

Tony: * raises eyebrow * like the 1990’s Disney animated movie?

Peter: Yeah.

Tony: Maybe once or twice.

Peter: Cool, I think Pepper would really enjoy it.

Tony: Why do you say that?